THAT made me tear up. You should tell him exactly those words.

ST - We don't want to rush our feelings. That could lead to another breakdown in communication. I think the best thing I can do is to keep trying my best and hope he is also trying his best. Over time things may not hurt so much and we won't remember it as often. That is what I hope for.

HK,

Are you in counselling?

We started going to counseling the week after he confessed. That was extremely important to me. I knew if we were going to try and work things out that had to happen no matter what.

Good for you HK.

How is the counselling going? Are there specific things about it that you like or dislike?

I really like how she helps challenge my H to open up and tell us exaclty how he feels. Sometimes he can close down. We have found out that we have a huge communication misunderstanding with each other. We both can be talking about the same things and not understand what the other is saying. Which helps us when we are having our disagreements. Our MC has taken our sessions from weekly to every other week and sometimes monthly. Depends on how the session went. She has a high opinion that we will be able to move past this and grow. Which makes us feel pretty dang good even though there are still a lot of bumpy times.

Hey there,
I said this very thing to my FWH. He looked at me like I had punched him (I know that feeling well myself) and said,
"I live every day with what I did, what I did to you and to us. I live with what I did to me and the beliefs I had always held."

That meant a lot to me.

Hang in there

As Fluke's W, let me reiterate that the FWS DOES live with it every day. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of all the pain I have caused my H. There are even moments when I have a hard time looking at him because of the shame I feel. It is then, though, in those moments when I feel selfish, too. It IS easier for me on a daily basis. I trust him. I know that he will be faithful to me & that he has never thought or touched anyone else in the time we have been married. He is a man of integrity. He has never given me a reason to doubt that. Since that is the case...how can I dwell on what I feel? He did the right thing and now has to live with my selfish choice for the rest of his life.

I'm certainly not saying that I don't have a right to feel pain but my pain stems from the fact that I have hurt my best friend. THAT is something I will live with for the rest of my life.

Fluke...I will do all I can to help carry your anchor.

I love you.

To All,
Let me just say that the one thing I look at when somone is posting, is the the first time they registered here on this forum. This tells me volumes about how long they have lived with this battle, and how much longer they have to go.
I always emphasize, that this is not a sprint, but rather, a marothon. One which we all would probably not choose if we had a choice, but nonetheless, you have made your choice.
If your choice was to forgive, then let's be realistice about it.
Your timeline for forgiveness is your's and your's only. It will take however long it takes. Your WS must accept that. All WS's want it to be over and forgotten as quickly as possible. That's simply NOT going to happen. The timeline for your forgiveness is YOURS and does not belong to WS. It will take as long as it takes, and your WS has no choice other than to accept that. PERIOD!
Anything else will result in an incomplete recovery and both parties will be ruined.
Forgetting this offence, is also not an option. You will remember this to your grave. WS must understand that. Forgiving is your option, but can be accomplished with the help of a Godly sorrowful WS. They must indeed be godly sorrowful for their actions, however, or you will feel unforfilled forever.
I wish all of you the very best, and pray that you are patient enough to allow forgiveness to take hold of you. But do not expect it overnight. To rush the process would be an attempt to excuse you WS and that will NEVER WORK!
All Blessings.
Jerry

Shinethrough.....

Everything you said makes a ton of sense. I absolutely agree that everything takes time and everyone is different for how long it takes to move forward.

REVELATION:

Yesterday my H received a phone call from the OW after 5 months. He said the conversation consisted of him saying why the F**** are you calling me and she came up with a lame excuse about some CD's he has of hers and a key to her house. We both think that she was calling to test the waters to see if it was OK to call and possibly hook up again. After my H told me she called and what he thought and felt sure gave me more confidence in my quest to move forward and make things work for us. I'll be damned if anyway will break up me and my H. We have been together for 11 years and we are soul mates. Of course everyone makes mistakes and we all hope that everyone can be forgiving. This is just my time to be forgiving. WOW! I feel so compelled to move forward. The OW calling I think might have been a good thing since it is helping me see my H's intentions and that they are good and they are to be with me and to start our marriage over.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

HK, your post gives this FWS much hope <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> thanks for sharing.

FL - I just wanted to say thank you for your opinions as the WS. It has helped me open my eyes. I know this is only the start of what is to come. I only hope that I can stay on this path and not stray back to anger. Of course I will have my moments, but I am going to do the best that I can to make this work. I don't know if you have ever watched the show Friends, but "He Is My Lobster!!!!!"

you are very welcome, i'm glad i can help some BS.

now i just have to figure out how to help MY BH....

i have watched friends, but not often enough, must have missed the lobster one.

I'm sure your BH will just need time. I have been feeling very lucky to have such an open relationship with my H. We have always had good communication from day 1. I think if we didn't have that things would not be where they are today. I wish you and your BH the best of luck.

The whole Lobster thing.....

There was an episode where Phoebe had said that Ross was Rachael's Lobster (meaning they were meant for each other). It has kind of been an ongoing joke between my H and I.