What???? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

No you don't just let him go.... unless you want a divorce.

You need to pull yourself together because you are FIGHTING for your marriage.

This isn't something that's going to be handed to you by him on a silver platter tonight.

You need to be the strong one right now and you have to be strong enough for both of you. Your defeating yourself in your own head!!

Reverse babble him during your conversation. Let him know you are fighting for your marriage. Maybe he is done. That doesn't mean a thing to you right now. You need to understand that first and foremost for yourself before you sit down with him.

Heck, my first inclination when I read that was to tell him you would love to sit down with him but first you need to see if you can change around some previous plans you have.

But that's me. I'd probably let him sit with whatever exposure effects are eating at him and OW for a little while before you sit down and talk to him.

He's angry at you for exposing. Chances are he's going to try and push back at you and you've already let him know your scared by asking him if he thinks it's over.

Personally, I wouldn't be available until I pulled myself together. I'd go get a pedicure instead and let him deal with whatever's going through his head all by his lonesome. My guess is that he's going to use his ability to scare you to make himself feel better.

When you see him, go in with the attitude of a righteous woman fighting for her marriage at all costs. His intents right now have NO EFFECT on your actions to save your marriage.

FIM

Ok. I will continue with all of your advice and I will let you know what happens after he leaves...

Can't wait to hear what he has to say... BTW - can't really get out of the house considering DD's bedtime is about 630 and H doesn't get here til around 8-830...

I will continue Plan A and let him know that I was and am fighting for him and for the marriage..

Thanks everyone - I will keep you posted...

I know that you are feeling frightened and devestated and the above statement might seem superficial, but believe me, it is sage advice. A pedicure at this point in your life is much more important than hearing your WS rant about finally feeling the repurcussions of his actions. You need healing and pampering and the WS is going to rant and rave for a quite a while and then he will need to lick his wounds ...plenty of time for pedicures, coffee with girlfriends, charities...not to play down your pain. I know how it feels and I still feel it. It still needs to be dealt with. But I no longer let it rule my life. It's a process, just a small part of a bigger picture.

I am totally with you on the pampering front, but I have to wait until H has DD for me to be able to have the freedom to do so... I would have to pay a sitter to go get a pedi, etc... and that is just not cost effective...

Exactly why I used to go do those little things when I felt I couldn't take his nastiness or put on my Plan A face.

Even if it was just getting a coffee and reading the paper, those moments that I removed myself for a short time and took care of ME were, I believe, what allowed me to even do a Plan A.

It also had the added bonus of making him realize I wasn't sitting around all the time moping about him and wondering about the relationship. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

FIM

Am I using my DD as an excuse to "not get out and do something for myself"?? I feel like if it is TRULY something for me then I do not want DD along. I love her, but after MON - FRI 24 hours a day = that is when I will pamper myself...

Actually it is very much a wonderful thing to have my "ME" time without DD... Again 0 I hope I am not using her as an excuse, but dang - it's kinda hrad to get a pedi when you have a 9 month old squirming in your arms...

Do you have anyone that can watch her for two hours (other than WH)?

I know it's hard. When I found out about the A I had a 5 month old boy and 7 & 9 year old girls. It is hard!!

...and sometimes it's not possible. But usually you can somehow squeeze out a little time for yourself.

Like I said earlier, it was something I had to do for my own ability to Plan A. Kind of like putting on your own oxygen mask before helping out anyone else with theirs.

FIM

Like FIM said in her post, you NEED to have "you" time. You'll go insane without it.

I think it's great that you've exposed him. Who cares what people will think of you? You have no proof that the employee really said that to him - just his word and what good is that right now? He SHOULD be worried about his image - that's what exposure is all about. It's a wake up call and brings the WS back to reality. H & OW are realizing that this ain't no Fantasy World and there are consequences for their actions.

Fight for the marriage. It's what you want. Isn't that why you exposed him after all?

Well, we just moved to an area where I don't know anyone so it is very difficult for me to get anyone to just watch her for a couple hours... I actually do love my ME time, but it is very rare that I get it...

I have always wanted to be with my H on the weekends, so the free time is very nice, but lonely and VERY new to me so it has been and will be difficult to adjust to...

You guys are truly awesome and I thank you again for calming me down and making me see things more clearly... I can tell that my H is pissed right now and because of you all and MB - I know I can remain calm and centered...

I will let you know what's up after H leaves...

Do you know anyone in ow's office? Call them and "share". Ask for advice.

As for you asking if "it's over". Surely you mean the A, not your M.

You need to march forward as though ending the A, NC, and Recovery are the only answers.

Wishing you strength tonight.

All of his employees LOVE him and would give their life for him, so they are loyal to only him... I have NOONE to "share" or ask for advice...

He should be over shortly - told you he works lates... Will let you know what happens...

I think your husband wants to continue having his cake and eating it too. He told you that OW's husband thought you were crazy. Now he says the woman from work thinks you're a B****.

He is the one who is abandoning his wife and child. Don't let him buffalo you.

Too bad there aren't any web sites for marriages suffering from the effects of affairs... hmmmmm...

My STBX told me these sorts of things too. She tried to start an affair with a man I work with, then called my place of employement when I confronted him about it. She told me my employer was upset with me, however none of that was true. They thought my STBX was "crazy". That was the words from the HR director who she talked to.

I don't know if my STBX actually believed it or was trying to upset me. Somehow I think she really believed it, WS don't see reality the way most of us do.

After she found out I was posting on MB she even told me that the members here hated me and wanted me to go away. Yep she told me that too, and made fun of me for posting here.

What I'm saying is that, your WS will say those things. Even if they are not true. He is trying to make you think you are all alone. That you have no support. It is usually the other way around.

Believe me, you H's employees do not admire him that much anymore. The shine is off his star. Of course they do have to work for him, so don't expect them to go out of their way to humiliate him. But I don't believe they will ever have the same amount of respect for him. And they probably sit around the bar and talk about how he betrayed his family with contempt.

He says the OW husband thinks your crazy? He is saying that to make you reluctant to talk to him. You H is a liar.

Alison I read this on MB when I first got here, I don't know who posted it but it is true.

BELIEVE NONE OF WHAT THEY SAY AND ONLY HALF OF WHAT THEY DO.

Well, he just left and all I can say is CUCUMBER. He didn't even know what to do with himself. I have no idea if any of what I did was Plan A, but I was just quiet and let him talk... I occasionally told him that I loved him, but gave him no more info than that...

He asked a million times, " you have nothing to say"... I said, I am going to have to wait to give you a reply. I told him I will no longer be reactive to anything, that I want to think about things and then give an answer.

I scared the crap out of him about his career though. He asked me if I had called anyone in CA (I did - HR - got no answers & Hyatt Regency to find out if that was their hotel), so I said yes, I called someone in CA. He, as calmly as possible, said " I swear to G, if you did anything to ruin my career, I will never ever want to see or talk to you again." Then he asked did you do anything to hurt Traci's career, I said, I don't think so. He said again - I swear, blah blah blah. I asked him why he would care so much if she lost her career. (Either one of them could get a job in 2.2 seconds).

I believe I scared the poop out of him. He said I have turned everyone against him including his mother. He said that he would never make me out to be the "bad guy" and that is what I have done to him. He said I have no more friends - you took them all away - OK BIG LB HERE -- but I said - at least you still have one... He said "F" you...

He even said to me, you seem numb. Honestly, not really sure of the whole plan A thing, but I believe that I stirred things up quite a bit for him this evening...

Alison,

You've played the Human Resources bluff. It gave you new footing. You're going to LOSE that footing without REALLY exposing it to his bosses. Period. What you gained tonight could easily be lost when/if he calls your bluff.

You need to expose to his employer, Alison. That is the only thing that will bring this A to an end.

He is an idiot, and is acting like one... He cannot call my bluff, what is he going to do call HR and ask if his wife called... I am feeling okay with what is transpiring right now, I will go forward only if I need to...

Oh - also... The comment about having people to "share" with was referring to people at H's work...

WH's like to use threats like that when they are squirming and scared. Manipulation. They'll say anything to scare you into keeping your mouth shut.

Good going staying cool tonight and not getting emotional or needy.

Kim

Allison shame on you for turning everyone against him. Even his own mother?
So nobody fell for his nonsense and spin. Remember you did not cause all of this. His actions did. It will now be next to impossible for them to carry on any longer.
Personnaly I would be looking for another job. I truly don't know that I could face that everyday at work unless my marriage was recovered.
You really need to bone up on plan a and reverse babble pronto. If there is any way you can call SH do it. He will help you put the plan together that you need.

Good luck!