Thanks Kim - I have absolutely no idea what the he11 I am doing or why I am doing it, but it feels like the right thing to do...

The one issue I have is that he said he is going to tear his mother a "new one" if you know what I mean... He says this because she contacted a "witch doctor" in morocco - she believes highly in it. not bad stuff - just truths...

I think I may need to warn her that H is going to call her very upset. He will have to wait until they are back from seing BIL who just got home from Iraq - so I have time to let her know what has gone on...

No Alison - when they DON'T call HIM. That's when he'll call your bluff.

Alison, your "bluff" isn't going to work. Sooner or later he'll know you did NOT call Human Resources because they aren't going to contact him or interview him for his point of view on the complaint. When they don't do that in a reasonable amount of time, he's going to know FOR A FACT that you did not call them.

Good job on staying mostly calm!

On exposure though, you really need to expose to his work and to OW work.

Doing what needs to be done isn't easy. I know that as do many others here.

When I exposed I got the "you'll ruin any chance", "I'll never forgive you", "don't pull OW into this".

The fact is that the most powerful tool you have is exposure. The crumbs he will give you won't save your marriage.

He may hate you for a time, heck, he may even never fogive you (HIGHLY UNLIKELY!!! READ THE STORIES HERE!!! THAT JUST ISN'T THE WAY IT GOES).

Even in the worst case you have lost nothing because the only guarantee is that this marriage will never have a chance if the affair doesn't end. You have a powerful tool to end it. This is a fight. Not a negotiation my dear.

You aren't doing anything to his career or his work. He is CHOOSING to behave in a manner he knows is detrimental to it. He is endangering it. It can't be that important to him.

As for OW. Puh-leeze. He's afraid of you hurting her job. GREAT! Do it.

He has just asked you, the betrayed wife, to protect his mistress.

HELLO!!

If that isn't proof that he's not working with a full deck, I don't know what is.

The point is, if you don't expose right now you are giving away one of the most effective ways to save your marriage. It's more comfortable to say your going to wait and see.

I know because I did it and waited way too long to expose. A recurring theme you'll see here is people saying they wished they did it a lot sooner than they did.

It's scary.

It needs to be done.

FIM

Alison, I have been reading your story and have not posted to you because you have been receiving such great advice from the experts here. But, with regards to exposing, I can only tell you my story and how I believe exposing is your best bet to break up the A, along with Plan A and B.

I believe that my WH was involved in a long term A. After finding this site, I Plan A ed him and that worked quite well in bringing him out of his fog a little, probably confused the heck out of him. I was doing the absolute best that I could being a good wife and not LB ing like I had done for a long time. So, the Plan A was working for me, but not breaking up the A, just making me look better in my WH fogged eyes.

So, I exposed what I believed to be an affair to the OW father. Making a long story short - shortly after exposing this A to the light of day, to her parents, the affair came to an end. This was an A that had gone on for a long time and I believe that in me exposing to the only people I knew to expose to, it ended.

Now, of course I do not know what would have happened if I had not exposed, but I believe that in exposing I did the only thing left that I could do to save my marriage. Alison, exposing worked for me !!

Please try to listen to the wise people here. They know what they are talking about. These WS are all so very similar and predictable. Please give some serious thought into exposing your WH to the HR and higher-ups at his work.

Best regards - carnation

Just to let you know how much they lie. My WH told me over and over how all the guys he worked with laughed at me because I was so jealous. I felt so bad that I was scared to see any of them. When I exposed his A to them I asked a good work friend of WH if he had told him that about me -he looked stunned and said he never had said that. I wish I had found out a year or so before . They lie to keep you quiet.

Alison,
you just said they could both get a new job in 2.2 seconds.

Think about this:
1. You don't want them working together.
2. You have enough info to tell HR.
3. You don't want them working together.
4. Exposing may kill the affair.
5. You don't want them working together.
6. Not exposing just lets the affair continue
7. You don't want them working together.

You said they could each find a new job in 2.2 seconds

think about

you don't want them working together.

Given that you stated you "called CA", you should follow through with exposing. Once your H figures out you were bluffing, you've lost all your leverage. He will know that by threatening/manipulating you, he can control you, cake-eat, have it both ways.

Are you hurting Traci's career? He** no! How? She knew what she was doig. She endangered her career. She is responsible.

Your H is asking you to continue enabling his A. How can you agree to that?

Do you understand that your H & Trace can NEVER work together again. NC is the only way. One of them HAS to leave. This is not negotiable.

Let the chips fall where they may. Cover-ups never help anyone.

Don't be scared. He thinks you did it already. Or, be scared, but do it anyway. You hold all the cards. Don't throw your power away.

Another vote for what everyone else is telling you. You implied to him that you called HR in CA. You need to expose them to HR/work. I believe you are wrong in the way you are thinking about this. It wasn't good enough to let him think you did...it will back fire when he finds out you are bluffing.

He's trying to get you to stop, so it sounds like it's working.

I'd be only worry that it wasn't working if he didn't care at all.

Dobie