Might be time to start working out some more. That will help you until the meds kick in. Your wife is just saying the same thing that they all do, so don't take it too heart. Work on changing yourself.

I just can't expose her at her work. I just can't do it. It would effect too many things. She is still living at home for 2 more weeks. It would effect my son if she lost her job. She eluded to the fact this morning that it sounded like her father wanted to call her work and tell everyone. She said she didn't care. She really wants to get away. from me. I have done a good job exposing her everywhere elsee

DG,

It sounds as if you don't need to expose WS at work...FIL did it for you....so that has been done.

When FWS was still in midst of A, he wanted to runaway to live overseas....he did not know where or how..he just wanted to runaway...if he could have gone to another planet he would have.

Not eating and not sleeping are often a part of the experience unfortunately...but you have to stay well for yourself and your son. I started on Lexapro...was not effective for me...stopped and tried to do without...dropped more weight and went back to dr. for Effexor...which did work...within a few days. I took it for five months and then quit...it was not habit forming. Lexapro is considered mild and very effective..if it does not work...don't give up..try another AD.......but it is so good that you took care of this aspect of things..you will feel better.

I cannot believe you trained for Ironman...wow...talk about dedication, focus and the long haul....you can do this MB stuff because you've got all those traits going for you!!!!
Stay the course, DG........we are here to help...ss

She came home tonight from work like everything is normal. We made dinner together and had lite chatter. It's just beyond me what she has done to our relationship since June. We are no more than roommates. It really is sad.

I knew we had some problems with the marriage but not enough to explode one day and say I am leaving. He must have been in the picture all ready. What's strange is we were trying to have a second child just before all this happened.

We have had intimacy issues (or she has) with me for years. She says she doesn't have that problem with him. She can tell him everything and he treats her like a woman. With this info alone I feel like I have no hope once she leaves.

She has been coming home late for work for 5 months while I help my son with his homework...that really kills me.

She told me today that this is her first adult decision I have ever made...what? Man, she has a lot of problems.

DG

Designguy; I believe you said you just can't expose her at work. I think you may mean it's a very very difficult decision - which is something different.

I delayed exposing b/c WW threatened to D me if I exposed. Eventually I came to believe we were going down the tubes anyway. I'd rather be damned for taking action to save the M than for doing nothing - so I exposed. That was absolutely key. We're not yet where we want to be, but I think our M is on the mend. And I think the exposure played a major role. That's not the whole deal, but it's really a necessary and very substantial element.

What's your leverage? What does OM have to risk? Is he well-regarded professionally? Personally? At church? In some sort of public office? Among his own friends, neighbors and relatives? He has any and all that to lose, and if you find his weak spots and expose there, you have everything to gain.

OK I think your fear is that exposure at work would further damage your M and/or child. But really how much worse can it get? If you've reached the breaking point, then I suggest you do everything you can to save your M, no matter how difficult. You can make a difference, but only if you do what needs to be done.

Good luck and God Bless your efforts. You can do this with His help!

DG - You are thinking that she is somehow unusual. She is just like all of the WS's. They ALL say the same thing. Ignore it. They are living in a fantasy world, and crazy things come out of their mouths. But they usually get over it. Hang on to that thought.

This is such a starnge situation. She is still in the house until next week because of my son's birhtday. She is acting perfectly normal. I have asked her not to sleep with the OM while she is in the house which I think she is doing.

She sems perfectly normal while I am not eating a sleeping. I am still be very calm around her which I think all most makes her mad.

She told me that she is living because how I talked to her so many years but she knows I have stopped that in the past 6 months since she has been threatening to leave.

Her Dad and Mom will not talk to her which should be a stress on her since they are very close but it just makes her stronger. She says this is the first adult decision she has made in her life.

I had an A 7 years a go, nothing like this. We went to therapy for it but she seems to have never gotten over it. I have tried o explain that I have done nothing since but she says she could never live with herself if she stayed with me any longer. This oM is helping her be strong through this.

I feel like I don't have chance. Help!

How did your wife end your affair 7 years ago? You have got to rethink the time you were having an affair and ask yourself what and how you were feeling at that time and then emphasize with your present WW. Look at her as you were thinking during your affair and asked yourself what turned you around.

Let her know that you now know the pain she was feeling back then and you want to stop the pain you are inflicting on each other.

This is tough for you since you did the same thing. It is hard to say what is the best approach to bring her back to you.

TooSoon

She is out today looking for an apartment to rent. It's making me ill. I can't believe she is choosing a man over her son in a sense. Our lives will never be the same if she leaves.

I have done everything I can to make her stay. I have made many many changes how approach this marriage and how I talk to her but it has been for not.

As long as she has two man pulling at her their will be no change. Having her in the house and playing husband and wifes roles is not working either.

We are stopping couples therapy and she is moving out on the 1st of the month. She has this romantic idea that life will be great being single. She will have my son 3-4 days a week and then go see her OM on the other days. She told me she wanted time alone but I'm the one who is going to be alone.

I'm trying to pull it together but I just can't focus on anything else.

She keeps telling me she has this connection with the OM that she doesn't have with me. She says she would rather be alone than be with me. I have had to take 5 month of this!

Help!

Your wife is very deep in the fog. She feels it as real love but it is fantasy love. Expose the affair and do everything in your power to disrupt the affair and bring reality to it. The reality brought to the affair tests its strength and substance. Usually, it is built on a weak foundation and will collapse. You must be the person to make it collapse. Exposure is your best friend. Read all you can about affairs on the boards. If she leaves, you need to probably go to plan B. Read about it and understand it. Good luck.

TooSoon

The affair is exposed. Her family especially her father is doing a great job of exposing it. He is asking the man to leave his daughter alone. The thing is it my W's doing as well. She doesn't care at this point if her family disowns her.

She wants to move out on Feb. 1. Wants her own place and is not moving in with him.

Did you expose her at her work. If you haven't, you need to. Affairs thrive in secrecy and they will be scutinized heavily at work by others once her co-workers and bosses know. Also, is the OM married? If so, his wife must be told. The OM's wife can be a key person to bring reality to the OM. You must take the approach that you have already lost her and you will try anything to bring her back.

Do you even know who the OM is? Many of the OM are not in as much love as they are in lust. If he is married, it is crucial to make contact with his wife and tell her everything. If he is single, call his parents, etc. My FWW's OM was single and I called his parents and that helped break the affair. Anyone who can put pressure on the lovers is helpful. Anyone in your wife's life that she admires or respects must be told. If you have any other bit of information, you must use it to disrupt the relationship. Think deep and hard. You must treat this as a war and the prize is your family.

I will look forward to your response.

TooSoon

She told me today she went to Human Resources and told them that she was seeing another manager in the compnay. They basically said that it was okay as long as it doesn't interfere with her work! I'm blown away.
Her Dad said he was going to call the company so she went to HR before he did. This is really not an affair any more...everyone knows and she doesn't care.

She doesn't wnat me to file for D though. She wnats to get her own place for a while and pursue this relationship. She admits that she is very scared and that she might come running home. I wish I could understand all this. I have been the niceest guy through this whole thing.

Her parents have basically disowned her. I feel like she is rebelling against them in away. he says this is her first adult decision she has ever made...she's 40! What is she talking about. She is so focused on this and yet she is loosing so much.

She thinks she can go and have this A and come home if it doesn't work out.

I'm feeling used.
What to do.
DG

You should probably realize that as soon as you said "she told me today", people stopped reading,,,,,well, at least disregarded everything she said. You should do the same.

An oldie but goodie......

Q: How do you know a Wayward Spouse is lying?
A: Their lips are moving

If you for one second believe this story about HR telling her that is was OK for an affair as long as it did not distrurb work patterns...then please email me at lemonman36@yahoo.com, as I would like to discuss with you a fine piece of Florida wet land property that would might be an excellent piece of land for you to build your dream home on. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Goodluck,

LM

Designguy:

You should not believe anything she is telling you. In the fog state, she will lie to you about anything and everything. Make sure that her boss is called and HR is called to expose the affair.

You did not say if the OM is married or not. If he is, call his wife and call his boss too. Tell them that this guy is destroying your marriage. I do not believe they will tolerate it and I do not believe they know about it.

TooSoon

This guy kicked his girlfriend out of his house to be with my wife. So the man is serous about my W. Even though my W has caused so much destruction on both sides of our families and she will not see her little boy everyday she is going through with this..

All my friends are just amazed, it's like she is a machine.

As painful as it seems, I need ther to get out of the house. She needs to miss me.

Hi Designguy, I too have been posting here today.

My WH left 3 months ago to be with MOW he had only known for 6 weeks prior and we had been married 27 years.

I have now sent a plan B letter - I too realize that he has to miss me and the kids but I also am trying to come to terms with the fact that he may never return.

I think I am going to hurt for a good while longer- we will all have to be strong.

Miffy1

Is there a way you can put pressure on OM? I've said this above, but I'll say it again. If you can make it hard for him to pursue your W, you will get here back. What is his weak spot?

Fight back! Don't let him walk away with your wife. I think you can find a way to make him realize your W isn't worth the trouble or pain.

His parents? His church? Friends? Professional associations? Some sort of elected office? Anything like that....?

Well, I am trying to be the bigger man and not contact him. I don't really know much about him. My wife says that it is her fault too, that she WANTS to see him.

All our friends are amazed how far she is taking this. Her family is now not talking to her and they are a very tight family. She is telling everyone that we are separating but not really telling people about the OM.

It just keeps going.
My W makes more money than I do so I can't stop her from using outr money to rent an apartment.

DG

I would check with her work. I can't believe that they think a married woman with children having an affair is okay.