Better paste that one on your bathroom mirror, on the fridge, the microwave, inside your eyelids...

I still struggle with the thought of losing stbxw. But honestly, I think it is because I have idealized her and our marriage. When I remove emotions and think rationaly, the cons probably do outweigh the pro's.


The more I think about the past 5 months since her d-day (has it really been 5 months?, wow!), the more I recognize that I have been desperately holding on to something that just wasn't there. She checked out before her affair, and really never did come back emotionaly. And even though I didn't want to acknowledge that she had checked out, I knew it inside, and that fueled my resentment and anger and desperation. I feel bad for having acted so desperate. I feel like I really did give up my dignity and self worth.
My A over the past 3 weeks was one of the worst decisions I have ever made in my life. But, honestly, I can find one positive in it. It made me realize that I am not a worthless, ugly loser that would be alone if stbxw leaves me. The desperation that I would be alone made me continue to hold on to any chance that my marriage could stay together, even at the expense of my dignity.

And now, stbxw is treating me with total disdain. OK, fine. I can say that for atlest the first week after her d-day I was very compassionate and loving. It wasn't until she started to seperate emotionally again (and I can clearly remember that happing exactly 1 week after her d-day) that I began to get angry and resentful with her.

But her disdain towards me is actually making me letting go of her all that easier. And I have begun to make mental lists in my mind of the cons of our marriage, removing the idealized picture I have been holding since her d-day. That rational view of of marriage is helping this process a great deal.

I still feel horrible for the kids. I feel like we are stealing their future memories, memories yet to be made of their family together that will now never happen, and it really hurts me.

I know that when I am no longer around stbxw on any regular basis, my life will go on much easier than it has for the past 8 months of hel1 I have had to live through.

I have had a very busy day with the kids so far today and it has been a good one. They keep me busy, and I love them, and they love me.

Stay away from women

Ha! Yeah, after all this, women in general leave me with a less than enthusiastic feeling. Not that I am going gay.... Not that there's anything wrong with that... (well actually there is, but I just had to quote the Seinfield episode for Cuthbert!).

That's not logic, that's rationalizing. It's been pretty clear when you've posted here that you haven't learned to spot that difference in your own thinking, which is one of the reasons why your relationships are a chaotic mess.


I can understand that. There really wasn't much of anything that was dignified or self-respecting about your behavior. You're mistaken, though, about the source of your lack of dignity in action -- it's not because you were desperate or afraid of being lonely; it's because you used abusive behaviors instead of respectful and healthy boundaries.

Now you're rationalizing that if you remove your chosen scapegoat for your lack of dignity -- your crumbling marriage -- that the problem of lack of dignity will be taken care of. It won't, because your marriage isn't the source. Your ongoing choice to allow yourself to behave abusively in place of learning to use respectful boundaries is.


Sigh. I feel really bad for you when I read that. That is one of the saddest, most pathetic things I've ever read in it's sheer clinginess to delusions.

Given the massive and many tantrums you threw about your moral superiority since you were not the one cheating, which is revolting enough already given how rotten your own behavior was, the hypocrisy of rationalizing positives in your own affair is even more revolting. That lowers your dignity, makes you less of a man, not otherwise. Treat yourself with more respect than that.

You still need to memorize the lesson that being alone not only won't kill you, but your sense of loss and emptiness can't be healed by being with someone else, because your marriage is not the source of it, you are.

The sheer stretch you're willing to make to try to rationalize some positive from your affair is really pathetic -- you're trying to make out that it means you're not a loser because someone was willing to cheat with you. Erm, all that tells you is that you were able to hook up with someone so low themselves and with standards so far in the gutter that they're willing to hook up with a cheater. Trying to make this out as some sort of compliment is just plain sad. You found someone who wanted the scrapings of the gutter, and was willing to use you as exactly that. That's no compliment.

You *should* treat yourself better. But you're really off base on what that means.


Wow, that's also sad and revolting that you're trying to pretend you're superior for difference in responses after your d-days. If your wife had spent months spewing rage-filled tantrums at you about how wrong affairs are before she had hers, it would make sense to compare immediate responses. Given the actual facts, comparing them as you are is extremely dishonest.


That's rationalizing, not rational. I know you have trouble telling the difference. It's way past time to learn.


Good. Concern for your kids is the one and only healthy motivation I've seen you show. How about zeroing in on that? And keeping that in the forefront of your mind as a reason to start acting with real dignity and self-respect.

Flyswatter ready.....

stay away from women because YOU'D make a lousy partner for ANY woman right now!!!!!

YOU are not fit to be in a relationship without a lot of self work.

No, T_D, no! There are no positives that can come from having an affair.

I've spoken before that you need to repent of this. If you are looking for positives out this, that cannot be real repentance.

You are a Betrayed Spouse. You know, first hand, the devastation that an affair inflicts. You knew better.

If there is any way on earth you can save your marriage, it has to start with repenting of your affair. If your marriage cannot be saved, you still need to repent of this.

Don't fall into the mistake of thinking this woman was sent by God to help you in a time of need. She was sent by the devil, to complete the destruction of your family.

CC, I agree with this in theory. I really do. But I can look back on my SSTBXW's affair and see a few things that COULD have been positives....

#1 It let me know that I did need to work on my marriage to keep it. I couldn't just let things go as I had been happy to do in the past when I thought that we would never really break up.

#2 It let my STBXW know that I really did love her.

Unfortunately, those two things were not enough to save us. But they could have been "positives".



I don't know if it was her who was sent by the devil, or my own emotional and moral weakness. In all honesty, I would say the greater blame rests on my weaknesses and moral failings. But regardless, it definately was the "completion of the destruction" of my family.

MOS,



You may be right. But it is not uncommon for one to idealize someone whom they feel strongly for but do not get those feelings back in return.



You know, I try to take a lot of what you post to me to heart, but stuff like this is difficult to accept. I feel that you very much dismiss MY feelings. You dismiss MY devastation as a result of her affair. Dr Harley told me during a telephone call that if the FWS does not give extra-ordinary efforts to make it up to teh BS, resentment will grow and grw and destroy the reconciliation. I do not feel that my FWW / STBXW gave me those extra-ordinary efforts, and I think you dismiss my feelings as a result of her affair.
If she had not had her affair, most of what you say would be logical and appropriate. But a lot of what you say to me and about me is nopt appropriate given her affair and her demeanor since her d-day.




We agree on this.

I was in a hurry on my last reply to you and wanted to add some more....



I did have trouble controlling my emotions and my behavior resulting from those emotions. However, if I had been able to accept that my marriage was over based upon her lack of engagement with reconciliation, I could have walked away from the relationship. My emotional inability to walk away, even when I did know inside that she had already checked out, caused me to desperately try to hold on. I didn't want it to be over, I was scared to death thinking about it being over. I told myself after the seperation that if that was all she could give me, then I could live with that so that I wouldn't be alone. That was / is out of weakness. And although I acknowledged to myself that it was out of weakness, a part of me rebelled against that weakness, that giving away of my dignity. And I acted out in anger as a result. I wanted to stay with her because I felt / feel that I love her, AND because I was afraid to be alone, AND because I was afraid of the unknown of a future without her in it, but I also had deep seated problems with what I felt was the sacrificing of my dignity and self worth to stay with her when she was not, in my opinion, truly trying to "make it up" to me.

My "abusive behaviors" were borne out of the emotional turmoil I had / have inside about wanting to stay with her, but needing that to be for the right reasons, not out of fear and weakness, and for needing her to WANT to stay with me for the right reasons, and for her to TRULY want to stay with me.

For whatever reason, when I feel hurt by someone, my instant instinct is to hurt back. When I would reach out to stbxw again and again and percieve that I got nothing back, it felt like rejection all over again, and it hurt me, and in that hurt I felt the need to hurt back. My biting sarcasm, my yelling, and my AO's were how I did that. It was easier for me to feel angry than to feel hurt and have to deal with that hurt. Anger has always been a way for me to avoid dealing with my hurt. I don't like feeling vulnerable.

And it has always been soemthing that has been hard for me to deal with, even before stbxw's affair, for her to hurt me emotionaly and to feel that she had no concern about that hurt. That only amplified after the affair. She would hurt me, show no real concern for that hurt, which amplified the hurt, so I felt the need to go on the offensive with an AO to push the hurt aside and feel anger instead.

I am conscious of this tactic of mine and am working on understanding it and learning better coping skills to avoid doing this.



I feel that it is the need to learn how to deal with emotional hurt that will be the key for me.



Honestly, her lack of response hurts. It shows her total lack of care pertaining to me. I guess that really illuminates one of the reasons I did what I did.


I still care deeply for her. I still wish some kind of miracle could occur to save our marriage.
But, given all that has occurred, that is ridiculous thinking.