My Dad always like to repeat that old saying . . . the one about if you get bucked off the horse, you just get right back on. I guess that's what I need to do here and just do it. But it is proving to be harder than I thought.

My FWH tried to initiate SF with my only days after DDay--and there was just NO WAY. But now I think he's scared off and waiting for me to initiate things. I really have thought about trying to set up a romantic evening so many times, but my heart just isn't in it. I picture the OW--and I just feel sick. Maybe part of it is my own insecurities. I view myself as an attractive woman, but have always been a bit self-conscious about not being very "well-endowed." During the A, my then-WH told me about this "waitress he knew" who had this great boob-job, and wouldn't I like to know the name of her doctor? He said it like a joke, so I laughed and didn't think much of it. But, as this trashy waitress turned out to be the OW, I am just terrified of him comparing me to her. She quite obviously got some pretty substantial implants--it's the first thing you notice to look at her. So if that is what my FWH finds attractive, I just don't have it. And the thought of having plastic surgury to make myself over to like like his little slut is just unacceptable.

Right now I honestly feel like, if I never have SF with him again it is perfectly okay with me. But I know that is not the way to go about healing the marriage.

CSJ

Hey CSJ,

I understand what you are feeling... It took us a couple months, and even then my H was afraid to touch me. He still is afraid to approach me...

I always thought I was somewhat attractive, but insecure so this just made my self-esteem go way way down...My H's OW is NOTHING at all like me physically. In fact, My H says that I am much more attractive and I would be surprised if I saw her because she is not someone that you would look twice at. That being said, she thought she was a 10 and acted that way. Most of the threads I have read, have had OWs that are very different than the BW, and I think that is part of the draw. The OW is new and exciting...

I think that regaining your desire for SF takes time...We did it before I felt any desire to do so, but I think that this was my H's way of showing his love for me, even though he insists that his A was only a sex thing...he thinks this makes me feel better, than knowing that he was in love...But, if it was only sex, then how is it different with me? I can't even put my feelings into words on this...I wish I could... It's a sickening feeling to know that he was doing these things to her and it didn't mean anything to him, so what does it mean to him to do these things to me?

Mamafish-

I am glad to hear that it sounds like you and your H are making it. It is like a little ray of hope to hear about success from someone who is on the same path, but a bit farther ahead.

It's a long and exhausting road though, isn't it? And sometimes it seems that the more I figure out about the A, the more it doesn't make sense to me. At first I was obsessed with answering the WHY question--why did you do this to me? Why would you betray our marriage? And in reading "HN/HN" and "Surviving", plus talking things through with my FWH, I think I get it. It's like that cycle you spoke of-- withdrawing a little here--feeling a little neglected there.

And now that I've answered the WHY question, I think: "THAT'S IT?????? You cheated on me because of that??????" It all seems so ludicrous--to risk throwing away a decade with someone you love--your children--your career even. For nothing really.

But at least I can say there is progress. I look back at where I was a few months ago and I think, whew! I am not angry anymore! (At him anyway--I have allowed myself the luxury of continued anger at OW.) Babysteps. Little by little.

Blessings to you and your family.

ark, I've read this about 30 times and I swear I just don't get it. What does it really mean?

CSJ,

I know what you mean when you said THAT'S IT?!?!? I said the same thing...To throw away everything that I thought we were working for together. I thought I was doing the right thing by being the strong mother and taking care of the kids. This is what he always stressed to me--they need their mother, you are such a good mother, etc. I became more of a mother than anything else, and before his A started, I would tell him that I was losing myself, there was no ME anymore...

The thing that bothers me and I will never understand is how he could just go and do this, without even trying to talk to me about his dissatisfaction with our Sex life...He says that he did try, but he would say it in an angry or confrontational way, and I would get defensive. Never did he say, look, my needs aren't being met by you, I feel rejected, you put the kids first, and I am interested in someone else.. If he had done this, I would have realized the seriousness of it all and would have worked to change my behaviors...

It's just a shame that we are here...I try to tell myself that at least now there is a ray of hope in our marriage but I get discouraged alot too. I also like to read about success stories...It's just so *%%* hard to get through day by day...

Unlike you, though, I am not angry at OW, because I don't feel that she betrayed me. I did not know her, she was a coworker of his, and she did not know me...I was nothing to her at all. I think I am getting to the anger stage, or am in it, at my H, though, because I feel alot of resentment instead of love. I feel like he should be doing more to work on the M instead I feel like it is up to me to do it. He is remorseful and swears that he was never leaving me, but at the same time, he wants me to move forward...

I am so lost...

tell me what you don't get..so I can help you....

ARK

Ark,
Does this hold true for recovery also?
JE

bumping away.............

ARK

I don't really know my FWH's OW either--not personally. I know who she is because I had seen her before, but we have never spoken.

But I do feel like she betrayed me--and mothers everywhere! Is that wierd?

Maybe it's because she KNEW that I had just had a baby when she started chasing after my H--sending him lewd text messages, etc. She is a mother, too (two young children ages 7 and 4) and had to know that my H's EN's were on the back burner--as were my own needs for that matter--while I dealt with the constant needs of a brand new baby. For her to try and take my H away from his two little children--and abandon her own kids in the process--sigh. I do feel anger for her, and for all women like her.

At some point, I know that I will need to forgive her, too. Hate is a heavy load to carry around, and I don't want to be the kind of person who becomes consummed with bitterness and anger. But I just can't seem to let go of this yet.

Be strong, and good luck. I always enjoy your posts--and your wisdom.

-CSJ.

csj,

Thanks for you words of wisdom..I'm going to start a new thread for you so as not to threadjack this very good thread of Arks.

mamafish

hi all, im VERY new at this but i found this web page by accident some time ago, i read the posts but i still have a hard time with reality. i was married for over 15 years, i was blindsided with my wifes affair. she was very active in one of my kids sports organizations and developed her affair with a married man that had NO kids but was on the board of directors for the organization. long story short....she wouldnt stop the affair, i moved out in 2/04, she filed for divorce in 3/05, finalized in 9/05 and remarried 11/05. the hardest part that i have trouble dealing with is it seems like she is living the fairy tale. million dollar house, new job, travel etc...wine and dine my kids,(who still remain loyal to me) but live with their mom and new husband 50% of the time. although i came out ok through divorce, i live in a very modest apt and bascially paycheck to paycheck, although im VERY comfortable. both divorced each spouses so they could marry. what i find to be the cruelest cut, is this weekend they are having their "wedding reception", 150 guests...lavish place etc... several of "our" friends will attend...i guess i was just needing to sow some sour grapes...i still get alittle envious at hoe great her life seems...i know the odds of her marrigae lasting are stacked against her...but it seems like she might be the exception to the perecntage. (footnote) she put on alot of weight, looks haggard at times, always yells at kids and seems angry anytime i do or go somewhere nice. i am dating a wonderful woman and everyone says she is jealous based on observations and actions...i just dont see it...i am just AMAZED at the speed this affair/remarriage took place and how i SEE her life being great. i would not consider reconcilliation and in fact turned down an overiture from her before divorce settled (too much pain and water under the bridge i guess) i just cant seem to get over the tinge of jealousy or envy...does it ever get easier???
i get alittle angry with my so called friends that still maintain a relationship with her and get tired of hearing "im both your friends" YUCK!!! ;-)

^^bump^^ for Barely Breathin <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Ark,

I really needed to read your post on Be Still again. I am so tempted to try, yet again, to change my H's mind. He is lost and refuses to be found. It really is all I can do to "be still". It feels sooo wrong to see him move out and to hear him talk to the kids and not want to talk to me. I hurts more than I can bear and, honestly, I am so afraid that it will hurt more before I feel any better.

Thank you Ark. Thank you. I am another "lighthouse" here in Michigan. God's light is shining through my windows and out into the deepest, darkest fog around my beloved. If I go out into the fog to find him, I never will. If I am "still" and shine brightly, maybe he will find me.

That is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It involves more trust than I have ever had. But, if I am going to trust in anything, I want to trust in my God. He is with me every step and holding my hand when I can barely stand.

Ark, you are a wise and wonderful woman and I pray that God rewards you for you giving heart.

Loni

bump

I just found this tonight and I have to say that I really needed to read this right now. Ark--I've read other things that you've written and I appreciate you so much. This one is also getting copied and pasted into Word and saved for me to pull out and read over and over. ((((HUGS)))) Thank you so much--your words help.

wow thanks for the advice maybe u can read my post and see my story tks for those words...

gotta bump...there are BS's who need you, ark^^

Ark,

Loved your post on being still. I have learned to do just that when I get anxious....like right now!

WH moved out in early Jan--we are still in Plan A, but I stopped telling him 'I love you' in Feb. and soon after, he started talking to me again. Right now--no pressure, just small talk about his work problems, our son, every day stuff. I feel he is fence sitting and I don't know how and when to implement Plan B. He's having an EA with a coworker. Don't know if it's escalated to A--we don't talk of her--don't even know if it's still going on. I have been slowly withdrawing attention--don't call, or initiate contact, but when he calls I am pleasant--then he disappears for a week or so. My friends say that he just wants me in his back pocket.

Are there any guidelines to follow here? I have read SAA, Love Must be Tough, and about a dozen other books.

I Know....be still. Any advice you can give is so appreciated.

Dancer

BS--me 49
WS--40
One son, his by another marriage
DDAY November 2006
Move out Jan 2006
Still love him, our marriage and son, trusting God for His will to be done.

Lamentations 3:19-40.

I ran straight into these words again today!!...only by song this time.

For the spiritual ones...the song is called "Peace" by Sherry Youngward. (at the bottom of the page). Have your speakers on!

http://www.firefighters.org/html/worship_music.cfm


Blessings,
Lady

Bump for a good cause