Okay, then, Stuck...
I promise you that as you clear up the resentments, the frustrations will ease, and you'll stop blocking your love bank. That's the first step. Oh, heck...I never ask for first steps, I ask for 20. Ack.
I only know what I did and now I'm on the verge of a feast. Already feels like one, but I've known years of starving, like you, so even a full plate is radically generous!
You fear the future...losing more years of your life to this crazy cycle of trying to get your H to work. I mean your marriage. (Bad me...no offense. Call it projection.)
Do you do that often? Think of your children's future, what will happen if you do this or don't do that?
You're getting somewhere with the payoff question...
"I just feel like I get "whatever you say. whatever you want" too often. It's actually a good thing for me because I get to drive ..."
See, you like to drive because you fear having your parents' marriage where your father drove over your mom, is that right? Only, you began and reiterated, how much you now hate having to drive everywhere, all the time, without H stepping up to do his share. That contradiction is in you. That goes to your power, which is great. You can definitely feel less frustrated and angry.
So, you found the least overbearing man you could find. You married your mother. I'm going with that. Now you are your father. You feel what your father might have felt.
I read in a book today (re-read) that a lot of divorces take place because of one spouse becoming over-responsible and the other, under-responsible. That's not a character trait, btw, but a reaction. You said you had to manage the marriage, make the decisions because he would agree to and then wouldn't, then you'd have to. It's a nauseous cycle. Dizzying. The more you are over, the less room he has, so he goes under. The more under he goes, the more over you do.
Imbalance prevails. Both sides feel awful, did you know that? Helpless, locked in, frustrated and angry. I don't think you're the only one feeling stuck, uninspired and ready to explode. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I can relate to the frustration of non-communication very well. My H and I had this parallel dance. I'm not making this stuff up. Letters, cards, notes, emails, voicemessages, relationship talks, family talks...you name it, other than a billboard (which I did seriously consider), I tried. I tried so hard. I was only making it worse, by the way. Massive over means...what? Massive under.
Maybe this is the real meaning of "less is more?" I never got that statement before. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Okay, this is for Extremely Lost and Ears_Open, too. You are right that a marriage takes two to work on it...and Stuck, I know that's a deep core belief of yours...and I'm asking you to put it to the side for a moment. When I came here it was only me wanting to save my marriage and I read Harley saying that one spouse can. I'm still of that belief due to my own experience. One to stop dancing and open a door. It's an invitation, not a demand that your spouse work on the marriage.
When my H was still in his A and living elsewhere, he agreed to go to MC because he had to decide which of us to choose. At counseling, one of his beliefs was that IF he recommitted to the marriage, I would be assessing his progress, telling him he wasn't doing enough or how to do it. He knew my "over over" tendencies. What he didn't know was that I had been on MB for two months and decided that his personal recovery had to come first; if he moved home, eventually made his decision, and recommitted, then I could just prove I was different and not over over, but be me. The one without the measuring stick and odometer in hand.
Yes, it felt more frustrating than the years of no communication, lack of participation and responsibility all rolled into one. I held that. I realized my deepest desire was to get out of my pain as fast as possible. That's why the instruments came so readily to hand. They could tell me, how much longer, how much further? But what was my real goal? To get out of pain fast or to take the delayed road to where pain didn't have to recur?
And what was my deal with pain being bad, anyway?
So I turned my measuring stick on myself, kept the AOs and DJs away. My H was so used to what he saw as selfish demands (I'm not saying they weren't true), that he anticipated, lived the future with more of them from me and that was going to decide him AGAINST recommitting. Like Stuck, he was preparing for "More pain and suffering if I come back." Years of it. Unending. Future heck.
He finally recommitted, with disdain and a challenge--to prove him right that it was mistake. Man, I love a challenge. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> He knows that. He wanted to feel accepted, understood and heard. Even when he started getting that, he didn't believe it. He lived in the what-ifs and if-onlys (like I did) and not the present. The present was that because I got to my part. Then he got to his...and we're still getting there together.
I didn't cause his conflict/pain avoidance. That was FOO stuff. I contributed. I was his mother and I accepted that role. Then I stopped being his mother and got very respectful. Saw him as a separate person, fully aware of what he was doing and why (because only he could know), and accepted him part and parcel. No changes required. He was responsible for him. Me, for me. The marriage, like a third being, we were to both honor from ourselves, separately...
and we did...
and we do...
We pick our spouses for a very good reason--a painful, joyous, hidden reason...to work our stuff out for once and for all. Not accepting the very things in them that we need to work out ourselves causes a whole bunch of problems. Our resentments cover over our love, weight us down, exhaust us, and for me, entitled me. I did that. I undid that.
Be of good hope...all that Ktulu says is right on. That is how you restore your marriage. Much of it won't work until you stop trying to make your spouse live up, stand by and over over them, trying to get them to do what you want and how you want it. It's disrespectful. They will find their way through themselves and that is half the reason you married them. Do it first and show them a way.
LA
