[color:"pink"] [/color] To all...I am the other woman. I have been in a relationship with this man for awhile and his wife has found out about us several times. He has told her that he does'nt love her..and that they married for the wrong reasons,and are not at all compatable.I have spoken with her and tried to reason with her,explaining that i feel we are soul mates...She said that that's a crock..and she insists that any marriage can be 'fixed'. I don't want to hurt her and never intended to do that from the start. I understood that the marriage was basically OVER when he and i started dating...AGAIN...because we were together a very long time ago as i am his ex-girlfriend. He is still living there not knowing for sure what to do..cause he does'nt want to hurt anyone...and she keeps insisting on working out the marriage, even though she knows we are together. It feels so weird being in this threesome. I don't know what to do..but i can't just let go like she wants me to...you see there are children involved now and we will have to see each other. We just love each other so much...and neither one of us wants to ever let go.We spend hours talking about what it will be like someday to just 'be together doing nothing...just sitting next to each other vegging out without all this stress'...how and when...it feels like this will never ever end.None of us three will give in or let go.Why does she want a man who has'nt loved her for years and does'nt want to? He says she wants to punish us, she does'nt want to make it easy for us..and she never wants us to be happy. I guess i understand sort of, but what about our children? Why make them suffer?

Please go read the thread with your name as the title.

See the thread moveforward started for you...

How old are the children you have together, and has he been involved all this time?

Also, be aware that all wayward spouses used the phrase "soul mate" to describe the OP they are involved with... your situation is not unique.

Why do you want a man that would cheat on his wife? What he did with you he will do to you! I am glad you are here. You will be given the advice to end this triangle. Whether you choose to listen is your option.

$10 says she thinks this is "different". He "really" loves her. etc, etc. Ad nausium.

"I have spoken with her and tried to reason with her,explaining that i feel we are soul mates"
she's right it is a crock

"
.... I don't want to hurt her and never intended to do that from the start. "

Too late you already did

"I understood that the marriage was basically OVER when he and i started dating...AGAIN..."

If it was over he should have gotten a divorce BEFORE he started dating


"..cause he does'nt want to hurt anyone."
too late

"..and she keeps insisting on working out the marriage,"

Good for her!!!! Why don't you give her the address for this site or better yet, buy her the book Surving an Affair.


" It feels so weird being in this threesome."
This is not a threesome- this is an illicit affair- an infidelity.


" I don't know what to do..but i can't just let go like she wants me to..."
Yet, you want her to let go. How the ****** is that fair????


"you see there are children involved now and we will have to see each other."
Oh, so you have had child with him? Is that how youplanned to hold on to him? Too bad that doesn't always work. There are several cases on this board where contact is kept to a minimum - certainly not an ongoing affair.


"We just love each other so much...and neither one of us wants to ever let go.We spend hours talking about what it will be like someday to just 'be together doing nothing...just sitting next to each other vegging out without all this stress'...how and when...it feels like this will never ever end."

This is a fantasy. You are in a sellfish fog. It will pass


"None of us three will give in or let go."

You need to let it go.

"Why does she want a man who has'nt loved her for years and does'nt want to?"

He is in a fog. You both are.

"He says she wants to punish us, she does'nt want to make it easy for us..and she never wants us to be happy."

I see it is now punishment for a man to be held to his vows that he took before God? Come on, use your head - do you honstly think she wants you to be happy with her husband? That is right. He is still her husband.

"I guess i understand sort of, but what about our children? Why make them suffer?"

Did you think about his kids before you starting this affair????

Ashley,
Please email me at betrayedinjersey@yahoo.com

Very young....Thankyou for your note to me...i realize that soulmates is a typical term but i just don't know HOW to describe exactly how we feel...it is extemely rare..that's all we know. It's almost like we've always known each other..like if we were reincarnated..except i don't believe in that..but we have this weird psychic connection..we just know each other and each others thoughts...even better than our own moms know us. I just can't explain it. Whats so weird is how over the years we always thought of each other constantly, and seemed to go through difficult times in sync. We even dream the same dreams the same nights...it's beyond weird. I would be content just being his friend forever....but she would'nt even like that...which i guess i understand..because they are just so opposite of each other. And i don't want him to compromise and continue in a relationship that makes him feel so miserable...he has been very close to suicide.

Well said Move Forward. Listen to that it is real. You do not understand hurt beyond belief. Finding out the person you have promised to love forever has betrayed you. He will tell you anything to keep you hanging on. Read this site. These WS are in a fog that they cannot come out of until the OW is gone. You need to end this now before any more damage is done.

Did you say you have children with him?

I think if you lurk here a bit you will see that your situation is exactly textbook. Seriously. I KNOW it feels rare and unique. It isn't, I promise you. My FWH is sitting here agreeing whole-heartedly, and he left me, twice, for OW and their *rare* love.

Unfortunately, the only thing rare in this would be if you understood how textbook it is...

Hi, Ashley.

Quote:
--------------------------
... it is extemely rare ...
--------------------------

There is absolutely NOTHING new or rare about how you feel. People have been succumbing to the false belief that their affair is somehow unique and that no love like yours has ever existed before in the history of mankind.

You are as common as every other common person involved in an illicit affair since the beginning of marriage and will remain common until the sun burns out.

There is nothing new in you.

All the best,
Gimble

Ashley, it is not rare!

When the husband was getting to know his wife, dating, going out, he looked forward to every moment he spend with her. He called her at odd hours, loved to spend every minute posible with her. Could not imagine his life without her. Could not believe just how 'in sink' they were. They were perfect for each other. He was nervous asking her to MARRY him! He could not be happier the day she said yes to his proposal and he put that nice diamond ring (that he spend hours looking for to make sure it was just so and so, just perfect for her) on her finger. He made love with his wife that night, knowing his SOUL mate said yes.

Get the picture Ashley. They were happy!

Sure, somewhere along the way life took over, they (I stress THEY, not she!) took each other for granted....etc...etc....but he went too far, he made the big MISTAKE, he brought another women into the mix, instead of trying to resolve the issues or getting a divorce!

It sucks, for everyone involved. They may or may not have a chance. But you don't want to be the OW for life Ashley! Try to think about this rationally and you will see that this is nothing rare! Nothing magical. It is just plain wrong.

Daisy

Well, if he has been very close to suicide, I recommend he get some counseling....so that he can determine the cause of the stress in his life and the plan of action that he can take to eliminate that stress. He might need to look at his priorities and his mistakes.

I also recommend the same for his wife.

And I recommend that you take a long hard look at the fact that you are NOT the woman he has chosen. That, by not committing to you, he has not committed to you. And until he does so, you need to butt out of his life.

(Can I really say that here?)

And if he would have an affair while married to one woman, how can you possibly trust him not to cheat on you?

Get a grip.

I just wanted to let you know that he never proposed to her, and he never gave her an engagement ring...that's right! He actually gave me one. Yes he did. But we got physically separated for awhile...and he began hanging out with her. He has always been down on himself,and did'nt think i'd ever be back, nor did he think that anyone else could ever love him. He never intended on marrying her,but when she kept insisting and then set up a wedding on her own..and sent out invites...he just gave in even though he did'nt love her,except as a friend and for casual sex. He has regretted his decision ever since...but one thing after another kept happening and he's basically stayed for his children only.I know everybody out there will say 'yeah right' but it is the truth! His mother and family and close friends have all verified that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

He is a big boy. If he didn't want to get married, why did he say I do? He could have not shown up for the wedding she planned.

If he didn't want to stay married, why did he have children with her? Did he not know that having sex might make babies?

Oh please if he is as big of a wus as you just described, why do you want him?

Hi, Ashley.

How do you feel about all the times he has lied to you? He lies to you and to his wife. He lies to the both of you, about the both of you.

Please tell me that you don't believe his lies. He is a cheater, Ashley. All cheaters lie. Do you see the logic in that? You can't be a cheater and not be a liar.

All the best,
Gimble

Ashley,
What ever the case, it does not change the fact that HE is married to this woman, and he cheater on her, so HE IS A CHEAT. There is no way to suger coat it. You want to go and put a nice bow around it and call it "soal mates" go ahead, but it is ADULTURY, plain and simple!

Daisy

The fact of the matter is they are married...PERIOD. Whatever the circumstances, this is still an affair. No matter how you try to justify it, it is wrong.

I'm curious...if you were physically seperated all those years ago and he just started hanging out with his wife (yes, WIFE - because they are married), why DID he start hanging out with her instead of waiting for you?

You know I went to bed and tried to go to sleep. I kept thinking about your posts. I kept thinking that you couldn't be that messed up. I got up to post to you maybe in a more encouraging way. Then, I read the post above that I responded to.

You really are that messed up. You came here to justify the fact that you are having an affair with a married men. It doesn't matter if you are his soulmate. It doesn't matter if your situation is unique. Believe me, we have all heard it before.

IT IS STILL AN AFFAIR!!!!!!

Sometime in all the 'things that kept happening' if he had wanted a divorce he would have gotten it. Then you would be free to marry him and ride into the sunset. That didn't happen. He is still a married man and you will not get encouragment to continue from this site.

Why don't you read more of the posts and see the hurt and anquish so many are going through. Betrayed spouses are that not by their choice, but by the poor choice of the person that vowed before God to Love and Honor them.

This man did that. I seriously douobt that anyone was holding a gun to his head when he spoke the words.

He does get 'wimpy' and scared...does that mean i should just stop loving him and being there for him? NO! He has been my very best friend for many many years....and we have children together.