Ashley,
If you are here to prove that you as an OW aren't out to destroy a family, I for one believe you.
Harley says that affairs are, at bottom, thoughtlessness. It's not that you are out to hurt this man's wife, this man, his children, or yourself. You simply don't want to consider this man's wife or his children in making your decision.
Two weeks after my husband's affair was exposed, just hours before his father passed away, I asked my husband if he had brought up OW to torment me. He said, "You weren't relevant enough to my thoughts for me to torment you."
That very honest reply shocked me but also helped me to understand. He didn't set out to hurt me. He just plain didn't care if I got hurt.
With you, I believe that you aren't out to hurt anyone or destroy a family. You just plain don't care. Now, as an OW, you are far less culpable than that husband. He was the one who made vows that he has chosen not to keep. You are simply an accomplice.
Because you are here and not on gloryb, because you are trying to justify actions which are not intended to destroy a family but do in fact do so, there must be a still, small voice within you that tells you this is wrong.
It is wrong. It is wrong mostly because of the hurt that results for this man's wife and his children, regardless of the circumstances of their marriage.
However, it is also wrong for the hurt that is done to you. You aren't being cherished. You aren't the clear priority in this man's life. What are you putting yourself through to steal some hours with this man? What if you had surgery and needed him with you? Would he be there? Could you ever meet his boss or his family? Could you plan a weekend together without his trying to clear the path by dealing with his family, either honestly or dishonestly?
That man couldn't be a good partner to you even if he divorced his wife and married you. Dr. Phil has a terrific saying: "If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you." If he's willing to divorce his wife and marry you, how stable could your marriage be? Would hie be willing to cheat on you, divorce you, and marry some future soulmate?
Let's say this man's wife finally gives up and divorces him. What then? You'll be dealing with his children on visitation and an ex-wife. You'll have build a new life on the pain of others.
95% of affairs end within 2 years. The fantasy is built on dishonesty and thoughtlessness. The man who was willing to hurt his wife will be willing to hurt you. In fact, he is hurting you now. He's not always available. He's sneaking around to meet you.
He could string you along for years like this -- telling you he is waiting for his wife to give up on him. You seem to think he has chosen you but just needs some time.
I have a suggestion for you to test that he has chosen you. Move. Tell him that you are waiting for him and want to be with him, but move. Then he'll be forced to choose you over his wife.
If you reject the idea of moving out of hand, ask yourself why. Would he move for you? Does he want to have just you -- or is he a man who prefers things just the way they are, a lover on the side and wife and children at home? I've been to lots of therapy since my husband's affair was exposed, and one thing the therapist said to me really stuck with me: "People do what works for them." It sounds to me like this man is doing today what works for him and will keep at it as long as two women put up with sharing him.
Respectful
Last edited by Respectful; 12/01/06 05:37 PM.
