I totally agree with womanoffaith5. Wait until all of the problems kick in and their relationship is not like the good old days back in high school. He is living in a fantasy world right now, but I am willing to bet that they will not last! He wants a stress free relationship without all of the ups and downs of marriage. Eventually, he will have to deal with these things in his new relationship, only he will be dealing with much more!

I totally agree with womanoffaith5. Wait until all of the problems kick in and their relationship is not like the good old days back in high school. He is living in a fantasy world right now, but I am willing to bet that they will not last! He wants a stress free relationship without all of the ups and downs of marriage. Eventually, he will have to deal with these things in his new relationship, only he will be dealing with much more!

Thanks so much for checking in w/ me! I've been on the road the last few days moving across the country with the kids.

I asked him once if this was some kind of midlife crisis/abandoning the stresses of home & kids. He points out that he's going to be marrying a woman with kids, so he's going to have kids around quite a bit and he's going to be a stepfather. I know they are also talking about having a child of their own (!!). She's almost 37, so she'a a bit on the older end but it's still very doable.

He would never quit a job because it got too tough, but he would and has quit jobs when they got boring, when the learning curve leveled off and it started to be same-old-same-old.

He's also a huge procrastinator and he's not very organized about a lot of "grownup life" stuff. For example, I nagged him and nagged him for months about filling out the 401K paperwork for his new job. And making sure contributions went to the college funds. And organizing all the old bills that he would just chuck into a hefty bag. Stuff like that. If I hadn't said anything, he never would have done it and years would have gone by without 401K contributions.

To me, that is "grownup" stuff, stuff that you have to do because you have responsibilities and you're in your wealth-building years. But to him, he'd rather watch TV or a DVD he's seen a million times before instead of research life insurance options and then mow the lawn. I would too sometimes, but that's life. That's being a grownup. His OW is apparently a hyper-organized, type A, control freak. She will either become annoyed that he is not pulling his weight by thinking about this stuff, or she will be delighted that it is all under her control.

He has a lot of adolescent tendencies, although I don't know enough men to know whether that's his character or whether a lot of guys in their mid-30s are like that.

Hoopsie, I haven't read the whole thread.

I remember reading in Shirley Glass's book that old flame relationships have a 75% chance of succeeding so maybe there is something different about them. That made me feel sick when I read it. I didn't want to hear that sort of thing - I wanted to be told that any relationship that started from an A was doomed.

I don't know if I can help. The only similarity is that my A was with the b/f I went out with from when I was 13 to when I was 18 (never had SF with him) and that I carried a torch for him all my married life.

I didn't marry him back then because I didn't want the life I would have had with him. He was staid and conservative and I didn't think I would ever come first with him. His work and his sport would have always been first.

That hadn't changed after 30 years and I was nuts to think it would have worked any better now than it did back then.

I never left my M so I can't really help.

Hoopsie - Please stay off the phone with your husband. Take a break and start doing something for yourself. You need to be very detached in this situation. This affair will NEVER last. If your husband can't stick it out with his OWN kids, he won't last a month with someone else's. Believe me, I helped raise 6 step-kids, and it was nothing but work, work, work, and no appreciation, for years.

Let's see if you can get some activities and a life going until all of this blows over.

believer, do you think she should send WH a Plan B letter and go from there?
Mulan

Yep - Plan B. She says she was on the road moving with her kids. I would send the letter (after posting it here), and then start with a wonderful new life. Hubby will be coming around soon enough. This is nothing but a fantasy, and I'll give it less than 6 months.

"The OW apparently wakes up in a cold sweat at 3 a.m. "moaning and aching" for him."

Bwahaahaaaaa!!!!!!!!! This makes it easy to see it for what it is.

Hoopsie,

I’ve read most of this thread and I sincerely feel for you and your situation. My WW hasn’t really looked back either.

I also am watching your reaction in the same way I would watch someone drown in the shallow end of the pool. The solution seems so obvious. Just stand up!

First off your husband has made his intent clear……..for now. Act accordingly. He knows you want him back and are highly motivated to reconstruct your marriage. He also has seen some of the positive changes you have made and are willing to continue to make. He’s been exposed. Plan A accomplished. Let’s move forward.

If you’re here to commiserate with all us wounded souls you’re welcome to do so. You will get emotional support while you unsuccessfully browbeat your husband into realizing how insane this decision is. In fact, your antics only reinforce the rationale for this folly. Eventually you will, rightly so, become disgusted with him and your attempts to convince him to recommit to your marriage. You will also get all the support here you need to dump this poor excuse for a man and give him the extremely expensive divorce he deserves. He likely will, as 50% of non custodial fathers become, a non entity in his children’s lives. If justice is really to be served he develops a bowel condition that requires him to have a colostomy bag for the rest of his life.

Though I personally fondly hope for the colostomy bag, there is another way, but a couple of significant shifts in your tactics and philosophy are required. First you must accept that you and your situation are not unique and that you cannot control or manipulate your husband into doing “the right thing”. The affair must die its own death. It may not…..but either way the approach is the same and it must be adhered to prevent the rapid transformation of what may become the biggest threat to the marriage……you. Trust me on this one; what he’s doing combined with what your doing will revolt you so much in 6 mos. you will run to a lawyer to start the divorce proceedings if he hasn’t already.

Next you must commit to a plan that will do a few things: retain your dignity, keep this man and his antics at a distance, and delay you from getting so angry at him for doing what he’s done and divorcing him. I’m talking about a plan B. I’ve got two young children, my wife lives in her house less them 200 meters from mine and I’ve spoken to her less than 5 min total in the last 19 mos. At this rate I hope to have the total time spent in conversation with her to total less than 4 hours by the time I meet my maker. About as much time as you spend on the phone with your WH in a pleading session. . I’m a plan B lifer.

Let your lawyer handle the financial stuff and the child custody stuff. Treat it strictly as a business deal where he gets you as much as he can. Disengage. Write the plan B letter and let this family abandoning jerk meet his destiny head on…let him drink from the fire hose. Set a time limit for this because I guarantee you that you will feel like divorcing him prior to the time limit. Be disciplined. If the divorce has not been pushed by him let your time limit expire before you push for it. At least that way you can relate to your children that in spit of their father’s horrid treatment of you and them, you did all you could to attempt to preserve their family unit.

Whatever the result is....reconciliation or divorce, you will recover better....quicker and with fewer regrets if you remove yourself from the drama.

God bless and good luck.

!!!

BINDER

hits one out of the park !!!!

~my favorite of many wonderful choices~ "let him drink from the fire hose "

I've probably said this before but man! - this has been a GREAT thread! An intensive learning course all on its own. Thank you to all you wonderful wise contributors. I know it's not my thread but there's just so much info being added here that I'm just checking it every day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Wow, what an awesome post!! Anyone who hopes my H develops a painful and embarrassing bowel condition instantly becomes my new best friend.

I wrote him a letter before I left town last week, and I've had very little contact with him since then. Now that I'm back among family and busy setting up my new life here, I'm already starting to disengage. I have some of his passwords and I used to obsessively check what he was up to, but now it is all starting to seem ... less important. It seems silly and a waste of time to worry about H and OW when it's such a beautiful day here and all my relatives are over having the time of their lives with my little girls.

I do still catch myself thinking as I drive around town, "Oh, WH would love that store!" or "I wish WH could see my new house!" It still makes me so, so sad and I still wish with all my heart that he would come home to his family, but I'm getting to point where I can let the drama play out without me.

This place has been a lifesaver. And KiwiJ, thanks for your reply. FWIW, I checked the Shirley Glass book again and her reference to the success of old flame relationships comes from ... that lost-lovers professor I mentioned at the top of the thread. Apparently there are some issues with that research, but it's something I'm trying not to worry about anymore.

Hoopsie, will you write a Plan B letter and then post it here before you send it to WH?

That's the next official step.

There are samples of Plan B letters under the "Articles" heading at the top of the page, or possibly someone will post one here for you.
Mulan

Hoopsie, I'm sorry I wasn't more help.

That's incredible that the stats were from the same survey. So really one statistical survey has been bandied about for years as gospel truth. Amazing. I should know better than to take percentages as truth - my boss is a university statistician. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The divorce was signed on Wednesday. It will be final in 90 days.

WH never looked back, never wavered, never sat on the fence, ate cake. He has moved to where the OW (his old high-school girlfriend and first love), gotten a job, met her children. I assume they will be married in about, er, 90 days. I got a fair-to-generous settlement. He will see his daughters six to eight weeks a year.

I am living in my hometown with my three girls under age 5, looking for work and trying to cope with all of this. It has been less than a year since D-day. A little birdie told me that this is not the first affair that OW has had; WH is just the first one who bit. It was clear from correspondence I snooped early on in the affair that she was the one leading him on and pushing the boundaries, but he was obviously no innocent. From what I have heard, she is manipulative and controlling, but as the ex says, "they have awesome sex" so I guess that's that.

Any words of wisdom? Does this get better?

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I don't have any words of wisdom for you, except maybe "Don't Be His Friend." He may well try this sooner or later.

Keep posting here, for you will find plenty of others here in the same boat. I know there is also a Divorced/Divorcing board and you may want to check there too, if you haven't already.

Hang in there and let us know how you are.
Mulan