Background: Married for 12 years with one 8 year old kid. I fit all of the emotions mentioned in the articles about infidelity: intense depression, self-loathing, you name it. I understand what's recommended, but I think my situation is different, because I don't believe I'm lying to myself about love, etc. My marriage was arranged and I've never been attracted to my wife. I found her quite ugly in fact. And I've hated having sex with her from day one. But I was raised to make it work and also I felt sorry for her. Mainly I've stayed with her because I can't bring myself to hurt her and I promised to honor and cherish her etc. She's also completely dependant on me and does nearly nothing to make the household work. Last year, classic text book of me falling in love with a married woman who fell in love with me. She had the same upbringing about staying with your spouse forever. Her spouse turned out to be gay and they have no relations at all. They're just roommates. We've constantly tried to end the affair because it's so wrong, but we feel so right with one another (classic textbook I'm sure). I've cared for my spouse all these years but not as a husband. I actually feel like I have two kids instead of one kid and a partner (all documented in a journal before the affair. I want to be sure you all understand I'm not making this up due to the affair). Anyway, I feel desperate and I want to feel better. For the most part the affair has ended, but we will run across one another once in a while and according to this site that makes it impossible to end. I want to move out. I want to be alone and never see anybody again. I know that if I had felt passionate about my wife in the beginning and loved her I'd try to make it work. Given that I have no original foundation of love or attraction, should I try to make it work? Should I really tell her about the affair? If I have no sexual attraction to her (never did - and this isn't fantasy the affair made up) and we have nothing in common. Why should I tell? I just can't bring myself to move out and leave her and our kid. My kid in particular would be devestated. I'd appreciate any thoughts. I also have tremendous guilt for marrying her in the first place and over the years I've spent time wishing she would leave me. On the other hand, before the affair, I essentially had learned to just accept the way things were. I wasn't happy, but I wasn't feeling miserable like I do now. I'm hard to get along with and at least she put up with me. And although I can't depend on her and I have to take care of her, she's a good person and she deserve better. I feel like the ultimate SNAKE and I'm just stuck trying to feel better and know what's right. Thanks for any thoughts.

I've made a lot of mistakes from day one. How do I move forward to get out of everything?

Thanks.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Glad you found us. I think the best thing you can do is tell your wife that you have betrayed her trust, and divorce her. You can support her and your child financially and move on with your lover.

I agree with believer..... tell her and let her have the the life that SHE deserves.. You sound just like my ex.. he thought that sticking with me was better then hurting me.. but hurt me he did..... let her go...

~Jamie~

Do you want to save your marriage?

We are not going to tell you how to get out of everything.Where you are now is due to your choices in this life.

O

While that could necessarily be true <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> (especially considering the arranged marriage and all) you do realize that EVERY WS says those exact words.

Few if any cases here are ever "different".

Read and you will see.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I'm glad you wrote in,everybody here hates me...and all i'm trying to do is help all three of us involved in my situation...i really thought people would be interested in hearing what i have to say and helping more.The reason i'm responding to you in particular is because everything you said completely reminds me of how the man i'm with talks about how his marriage came about and stayed as is...IT COULD BE HIM...every word is accurate.

ViewEra, welcome to MarriageBuilders.

I understand what you are saying about not feeling passionate about your W, and an arranged marriage.

However, do you know that the "feeling" of love, of being "in love" can be sparked and fed through having your emotional needs met?

I would recommend that you read a copy of "His Needs Her Needs" and really put some thought into what your needs are, how they have been met, and how they could be met better (keep it positive, don't think of them as UNMET needs - identify ways they CAN be met to communicate to your W in positive terms) i.e. "I love it when you help with the dishes, it makes me feel like you understand how much there is to do around here." versus "You never help with the dishes. I hate feeling responsible for everything around here." See the difference? One will be met with a glowing "You're welcome" odds are, the other breeds resentment.

You say that you are hard to get along with. Become easier to get along with. As Dr. Phil says, "How much fun do you think you are to live with?" Put on a smile and relax, and see if that doesn't help matters a lot.

The affair, as you read here, is a fantasy. She's married, you're married. End it completely, take steps to ensure that you don't see her, talk to her, hear about her through others. Write her a no contact letter if necessary, telling her to respect your wishes and stating your desire to make your marriage the best it can be. This can never be done with an interloper circling the perimeter of your lives together.

Should you tell her about the affair? Well, yes, unless you want it to further distance you from your wife. If you seriously want to be friends with your wife, honest with her, her husband, and build a marriage you will be happy to be in, then yes you must be honest and face up to her hurt and betrayal. Indeed you will have to help her through her pain.

I understand things weren't good, even before the A. But what did you do to make things better? Is she willing to do her part? Again, get thru this process by keeping it positive - keep your eye on the prize as your wife also needs to do; the vision of a happy, honest, intimate marriage based on love for your spouse and service.

Your wife does deserve better than what she's getting. She deserves all of you; not what's leftover of your heart after you have been with OW. You can give her better, don't let yourself off the hook that she would be better with someone else. She doesn't want that I'm sure, and I'm positive your child doesn't want that.

I really hope you will check out His Needs Her Needs and/or Surviving an Affair. You will see that the feelings of love can indeed be triggered by a full love bank, and your wife can be the one to fill it up if you give her the chance and fill hers too...

Keep posting,
MSA

BTW, Ashley I don't hate you. I want you to wake up to what you are doing. I feel sorry for you, but you have to take some action to change your situation, not wallow in it playing the victim. YOU are allowing yourself to be treated like crap by a MM. He has a wife. He isn't available for a relationship.

Ashley:

Trust me girl, everyone here doesn't hate you ! It is a bit more complicated than that. Hating takes more energy than love, so I'd ease up on yourself there.

As far as getting people to "help you"...ughhh...I don't think you are going to find the "help" you need here. You'll just have to accept that.

I don't fully know the full details behind your story, but I will say this: If you are indeed involved in an adulterous affair (even if it is love, which I NO DOUBT believe that you and the married man believe) you should fully understand what you are getting by starting an affair/marriage this way.

You may eventually get this married man to marry you and leave his wife.....but somewhere, someday.....you'll just be replacing her in every sense of the word.

DO you really want that for your life?

Today you are the other woman.....tomorrow you will be the betrayed wife. I believe that people deserve to get everything in life that they pay for. I have no doubt, that you'll get full "value" for him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Lem

What are you doing lem?? Don't you understand this poster yet....

Oh I get it...just feeding the pigeons a little. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

It just keeps them here.Sheesh... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Thanks lemon for being NICE to me...As you can see everybody is very mean...It's okay for them to say nasty things to me...but if i make a comment out of my frustrations they freak out and call me a Troll.Please stay and help me.

I've spent hours here reading articles and postings here. I realize I sound like them all - and I do. The stuff about how affairs start and what people go through is me to a "t". That's why I'm hear. He understands what I'm going through. I know I'm not lying about my feelings because I can't go back in time and rewrite my journal to suite my needs and I know what it says.

Also, I realize I made the mess I'm in. I don't need my nose rubbed in that.

Also, the OW does not want a relationship until our kids have graduated and she doesn't want to email me or see me until then. The feeling is mutual. We've had some email and phone slip-ups, but we both support one another that "you shouldn't email me" or whatever. We know it's wrong and we don't want to do it and we're tormented by the addiction.

I'm getting conflicting advice on what to do. If I've never been attracted to my wife, can depositing stuff in a love bank make me attracted?

As for what kind of marriage I had, a year ago my wife would and did tell people it was a match made in heaven and how wonderful and lucky she was. It made me cringe because it wasn't that way for me. As far as love banks are concerned, hers was overflowing and mine was empty. I tried a lot of stuff. I even tried (almost a year ago, before the affair really took off) to get her to fill out the EN thing and see what I had written and she threw it away and said I dreamt it up because it listed the things I was unhappy with.

I realize the affair has added food coloring to my thoughts and I can never get the stain out. The marriage wasn't fulfilling for me before, but I dealt with it. Now I can't deal with it. That's the part that's influenced by the affair. I don't have an objective opinion of whether it can should be worked out. I'm trying to get out as much objective thought as I can to help figure out the right thing.

I realize a lot of this is babbling, but it gives me a way to pour out what's going on and maybe make some sense of it.

I agree with Ashley that you guys are being mean to her. I doubt she deserves it, perhaps she just young?

HA Lem! She don't know you very well, do she? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


If a troll follows you home...do you have to keep it?

Yes, and this is why I believe that you are both TROLLS!!!

If you are not, ViewEra, then here is a simple solution for you...do this, and then come back here...

TELL YOUR WIFE WHATS GOING ON, AND THEN GIVE HER THE CHOICE...SO FAR, YOU HAVE DENIED HER THIS CHOICE BY HAVING A SECRET AFFAIR!!!

Until you do that, no one here can help you...

Mrs. W

Mrs Wondering,
Is God telling you to disparage somebody you don't know from Adam? Is he telling you to judge a newcomer to the forum?

You and your Ashly vendetta have essentially hijacked my post.

ViewEra...

If your story is true, and you indeed want people here to help you, you would be wise to stay away from the defense of Ashley...who is an OW that is very antagonistic...Your Call...

Yes, God does tell me to be wary...

Mrs. W

Thankyou for being on my side..after all i am truly here for understanding just as you are. Even though i have a young attitude...i am a mature woman....And, i am here for the same reasons you are. I love this man i am with.He and i were together out of high school and dated and lived together for five years...then i moved and distance separated us...we both met other people..and married...i divorced...he wanted to and has'nt yet...he feels exactly the way you do about her...i mean your thoughts and comments are exactly like his.But he has two children with her and two with me now.We are best friends and really love each other and want to be together...but his wife won't give up trying...he feels sorry for her...and she makes him feel totally guilty...she uses the children to get to him all the time.I have talked to her several times,but she's rude and impossible to reason with.Could she really love him as much as i do? Why does'nt she care when he tells her he does'nt love her...that he loves me? I do feel really sorry for her..and i just can't believe this all happened.But i will never regret finding one another again after all this time.It is surreal.

Proverbs 1:10-14

10 My son, if sinners entice you,
do not give in to them.

11 If they say, "Come along with us;
let's lie in wait for someone's blood,
let's waylay some harmless soul;

12 let's swallow them alive, like the grave, [a]
and whole, like those who go down to the pit;

13 we will get all sorts of valuable things
and fill our houses with plunder;

14 throw in your lot with us,
and we will share a common purse"-