In my opinion, I think the arranged marriage issue is a ruse - something that can be hidden behind - given as a "reason" why a marriage is "loveless".

In my case, I blamed my "loveless" marriage on the fact that my husband and I "had" to get married.

Truly, very little love existed on my side of the marital equation from day one, and up until a year ago, I would have told you that "loving" my husband in "that" way was a virtual impossibility. Not only was there the "had to get married" issue - there were numerous other difficulties we faced as a couple.

Today, however, I'm finding the conviction I held for 20 years to be false. Loving my husband not only is possible - it is happening - even as I type - even though the two of us have had some serious struggles within the last month. I am still in the process of trying to understand and balance out all the longterm issues in our marriage, but I did want to share with you the very real possibility that love can arise out of what appears to be an impossible situation.

ViewEra, you wrote in a previous post about wishing for this and that, but (and I say this with kind intent), "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride."

MAzingrace

MAzingrace, I was just wondering why you've said you "had to" get married in your case? Was yours also an arranged marriage and if not, do you think you can place your situation in the same category as that for arranged marriages and if so, why? Sorry, I don't know your story and I'm just curious.

These exchanges are a perfect example of how MEAN and judgemental these boards have become.

Hide behind scripture all you like.

A love that doesn't seek to build others up, isn't love at all. Not a lot of love shown to your "neighbors" here.

Lem, you made a good attempt and then let people beat you down off of it.

Reminds me of that movie "Saved!" - You WILL conform in the name of Jesus or we'll punish you if you don't...

Believe it or not, it IS possible to show compassion to people you don't agree with...to people in sin.

Calling them trolls is not very compassionate...not at all Christian.

Ashley and ViewEra have a lot to learn. They CAN learn from us, if we let them.

Low

Suzet*, Ummm - let's see.... Does the term "shotgun wedding" mean anything to you?

As this article points out, while the circumstance underlying my marriage may have been different from a truly arranged marriage, the resultant effect in my situation was the same, as I barely knew my husband but still married him for the "baby's sake". Either way, I doubt whether a gun was actually placed to anyone's head in either of these situations. Choices were made.

Mazingrace

Only if you believe you can have a good marriage with this woman. Do you have hope that it's possible? You may have to get out of the affair before the answer will be clear to you.


Yes...absolutely. Your wife deserves to have all the information about what's going on with you. Otherwise, she cannot make informed decisions about what to do with her own life. Why would you not tell her...to spare her feelings? To protect yourself? We often rationalize the former when the latter is closer to the truth.



Getting out of everything may not necessarily be the most desirable goal. You will not be able to get out of the conflict involved with telling your wife...you'll have to go through that. We can advise you about that.

Most importantly, you have to decide what kind of man you want to be. Then behave like that man would. This is called acting with integrity. You must do this to regain your self respect before you can expect anyone else to respect you.

I will tell you that "sacrificing" your life is neither nobel or loving. If you continue living in that mode, you cheat your family out of the husband and father they deserve.

You have choices here...more than two. Consider them carefully, then make decision...btw, avoiding the decision is a decision in itself and probably the worst one.

Low

IMO you can’t place a "had to" marriage due to pregnancy in the same category as that for arranged marriages where no attraction have existed from the very beginning simply because there must have been SOME form of 'spark' or attraction (whether it was physical and/or emotional attraction or just plain "lust" attraction) in order for the “shotgun” incident to have taken place. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> You don't necesarily have to KNOW someone before you can experience an attraction or 'spark' towards a person and this was clearly the case with you - otherwise you wouldn't have allowed yourself to have intercourse with this person... Therefore, IMO yours is a big difference from an arranged marriage. I've even heard of arranged marriages where the two people have only met each other for the first time on the day of the wedding!

Low...

It is unfortunate that View got an unfair shake here because of Ashley. I do apologize to him again for that. Your post leads me to believe that you didn't see the last couple of posts by Ashley on another thread entitled Waayyy Too Much(or something like that) by Jennifer68 where Ashley openly admits that she was here "trolling" for the BW of her MM...and then tells everyone "thank you" for the best time she's ever had on a computer...I think that you will agree, that that is just plain CRUEL. We do have to be wary...

Anyway, just thought you should know...Sorry for the "threadjack" View, I do wish you the best.

Mrs. W

Nope, I saw them. Ashley's poor behavior is no excuse for our own. She was able to stir up exactly what she was looking for because she knows how to push the buttons. And "She pushed first!" is playground excuse if there ever was.

What I'm proposing is that she find something she doesn't expect. People who can offer her some real advice without the epithets. People who might ACTUALLY be concerned about her. She is clearly immature. She will react defensively to outright condemnation and nastiness. I'm in no way defending or condoning what she is doing. But a better tack, as some posters did take, would be to help her see that she is being hurt by the situation as well.

It reminds me of another poster many years ago who came in a similar sitch with a similar attitude. She was able to eventually see that she was being used by a cake-eater and she given a lot of support to get out of that.

Instead, she found EXACTLY what she expected. She was able CREATE tons of thread traffic...much of which complained that she was diverting support from others...there's deep irony there.

These new forums have a wonderful feature - an ignore button. It would be better if we chose to use it more.

Being terse with someone is sometimes an advisable tactic to get someone to wakeup, but it's always rooted in concern for them.

Somehow, I doubt what Ashley received was intended for her good.

In lieu of actually helping someone, we ought to just hit ignore.

I write this for myself as well, as I'm quite easily drawn into pointless controversy.

Low

ashley is a direct reflection of the BS..

she accuses the BS of all the things she is..and does
using control
using manipulation

two women easily pitted against one another...as the WS sits back and plays victim to both of them....

it is futile...
but horrifically sad as both use their chidlren as pawns to feed their self serving whims....

three people engaging in a silly silly battle...days gone by same old same old..year after year....

all living a life in the shadows of eachothers drama actions and whims....

sad it is....

ashley is very sad...but she is also very cruel to bring her ramblings here....
it is just another example of her actions that define who she is....

pity the poor poor children..all growing up with no adult in the home who truly puts their needs first....

ARK

view..

here's what struck me most in your post...

She's also completely dependant on me and does nearly nothing to make the household work.

I've cared for my spouse all these years but not as a husband. I actually feel like I have two kids instead of one kid and a partner (all documented in a journal before the affair.

no grown man or woman would be attracted to an adult as you describe...

what does this mean exactly..
what role have you played in establishing a child/father relationship in your wife...

what have you done to break your part of this cycle...
what have you done to create this type of relationship...

I don't think you will feel attracted to your wife until there are much better grown up boundaries and relationship established...

what does all this mean..

ARK

I guess my point in posting was not to debate the fine points of "arranged marriages" vs "shotgun weddings" vs "love matches". In my experience, successes and failures can be observed in all three types of marital unions. Rather, my point was to share my personal experience of finding love for my husband 20 years after my wedding day - the day I clearly remember wondering what the heck I was doing. My only point was to suggest that if I - who truly thought my entire marriage was based on a faulty premise - can find "love" after never having been "in love" before, then others can as well.

On page 17 of Fall in Love, Stay in Love, Willard Harley states, "Most couples marry each other because they are in love." He never refers to this phenomenon as an absolute or as a prerequisite to a successful marriage. He simply states to his audience (and I would suppose he is addressing his comments to those in western cultures) that most people marry for love. I believe statistics support the notion that there is actually a higher rate of success among marriages that are "arranged" than among those whose marriage partners "choose" each other.

In conclusion, my post was only meant to encourage those who might be despairing of ever "falling in love" with the person they happen to be married to... for whatever reason.

MAzingrace