A healthy person does not have an affair. A healthy person does not abandon his pregnant wife. A healthy person does not abandon his family. A heallthy person has respect for others.

Check out the book Captivating by John Eldridge and his wife Stasi. There is one chapter that discusses Satan's special hatred for women. Satan attacks when we are most vulnerable.

Can you tell where I am going with this, or is it really after midnight?

Are you talking about how this is a spiritual battle? And it is Satan's goal to take over families? I agree. I'd like to see the reference to the special hatred for women part.

Or are you saying that people who have affairs are unhealthy (depressed, etc.) and therefore not really fully responsible? I may be way off here--and yes, it is after midnight.
I'd be asleep, but baby has to nurse again at 12:30, so I decided to get some computer time in first.

I can't imagine having three sons at age 27! I am 30 with 2 girls, so we probably have more pink here - but I am thankful that my daughters are a more cowgirl than princess.

Love must be tough is very good book. I really admire your approach to your WH right now. One thing I really like with Dobson and Plan B is that it shows the WS the way home. However, the BS is the one who is the path's gatekeeper. I think there is a difference between focusing on boundaries and focusing on measurement of pain.

Maybe you feel very alone, but God is working through you . He is with you. And you are not just being strong for your children right now, but you are being strong for your WH. Regardless of what happens.

Thanks. Loy. That is EXACTLY what I needed to hear. When he came by today to see baby and ultimately ask for money, I saw how much I was still there for him--even though he has given nothing to me emotionally--only taken and taken. And I am reminded now, 2 minutes till nursing time--that as long I continue to treat him with love and respect and with boundaries--then no matter what happens, he will never be able to look back and honestly say I wasn't there for him--and maybe, just maybe, he will come home--like the prodical son (sp?)--and maybe it will not be to me--but at least it will be to God--and for the sake of our three sons and for the sake of his future in the Lord--that is more important than him coming home to me.

Thanks. I feel a bit better.

Oh they are fully responsible, but why do we expect unhealthy people to act in healthy ways in special circumstances? If a man is blind to decency and respect and is emmerced in selfishness, why would we expect him to see something? You can tell your WH's judegement is still flawed by how he treats you and your children. He is blind and your pregnancy was not the cure for his blindness.

He has to discover the cure, and the cure is Rockbottom.

Your job is to protect yourself and family from this blind man - until he can see again or gets a walking dog. My husband did not have clear vision right away, it came back slowly.

Hmmmm ~ Loy to answer your inital question...

I don't know that the WH cheating on a pregnant wife is any worse than your average WH.

But, I'll tell you from my own experience, that my pregnancy was a blessing in disguise, and was a factor in recovering my marriage. In my situation, it was an extra dose of reality and consequences for my WH.

I also have to say, my pregnancy was an opportunity for many people to reach out and help me. I learned so many valuable lessons about life, about gracious receiving, about having the humility to ask for help, and about how many people around me loved and cared about me.

I'll never forget, at about 6 months pregnant, as I struggled with mowing the front lawn, my neighbor walking across the street and removing my hands from the handle and telling me she'd finish it and not to worry about my lawn again.

I'll never forget my in-laws driving an hour one way every other day to take care of me (cleaning, cooking, repairs) during the last 2 months when I was having horrible complications. (I had 2 boys 7 and 9 in addition to being pregnant).

I'll never forget my ob-gyn's hugs, and lectures at my husband.

I received so many blessings, and grew so much.

Better or worse? I can't tell you.

But I can tell you that my husband fell in love with our daughter the moment she was born and that was the start of his return home.

Well if anyone is familiar with my story then they know my H's A was while I was pregnant. I know people felt even more sorry for me because I was PG, but truth be told I was so greatful to have her. I felt sorry for the people who went through this and didn't have anyone. I always had my baby and she made me stronger. She was our gift from God. I don't know what I would have done without her. And it turns out impending fatherhood was the biggest 2x4 that have hit H upside the head and knocked the fog out of him.

All affairs are horrible. Affairs involving children are the worst. Affairs when the BW is pregnant are like kicking you when you are down.

Let's talk about nature....evolution. If a female becomes pregnant with a male's offspring, what is the best way for that male to perpetuate his genes? By protecting and caring for said female and offspring.

In humans, it is the honorable and natural thing to do. Perhaps our sense of family is another thing that makes us human. The man should be protecting and caring for his wife. She is pregnant with HIS child. To cast her aside is against the natural process when she needs him the most. Her hormones are crazy. She needs to put her energy towards the child.

Lately on this forum, there seems to be a lot of men who have been cheating on their pregnant wives. Personally, I find this particularly evil. I view it as a lot of large little boys stamping their feet because their needs aren't met because their wives are focused elsewhere. They aren't stepping up to the plate to be men.

I agree that Society does often set us up with unrealistic expectations. I don't believe it is unrealistic to ask for support and pampering while pregnant. My WH was physically disabled during my pregnancies. I had to be the strong one. One of my greatest regrets is that he wasn't there for me and my children. I wish I had asked for more for me. Perhaps it set the stage for way he has been disconnective from our lives.

Loy, ask for more.

loy,,,
i don't understand your post at all....

pregnant woman may not have as many options available to them than non pregnant women...

they are in a higher health risk category...

she is more defenseless on some levels....

some WS ARE more CRUEL with their affair actions and choices...pregnant or not...

All WS are evil
but pregnant BS are different...different risks different problems...

ALL FWS are a whole different species...for they are no longer ws....

are you saying we coddle pregnant BS and villigy their WS....

ARK

Grape,

What would the Harley's say to the pregnant wife?

Would they say, "you're WH is particularily evil"?

I think encouraging people to believe their situation is worse than everyone else's does very little to help reconciliation. We can emphathize without damaging their potential to get back together.

I would rather be a pregnant BW than a BW who has been stuck on the rollercoaster for years.

Today My FWH left me a beautiful e-mail morning greeting at work telling me how much he loves me. This is the same man that cheated on me while I was pregnant. I believe in him, in our family, and our marriage. It would have hindered our chances of recovery if I viewed his affair as less forgivable.

OK, what about the WH that has SF with both OW and the pregnant BS? He is putting her and their child at risk of contracting STD's. Absolutley disgusting IMHO

I'm not sure that any of us really see the point you are trying to make here.

I don't remember any post saying that the WS is less forgiveable if he strays druring his wife's pregnancy.

During pregnancy, child birth, and post partum, a woman is much more vulnerable and oftentimes much different emotionally than she is at other times in her life.

We do seem to defend a pregnant BS because in a way they seem defenseless.

We have not told InTexas or Heidi (two that come to mind) that their marriages are hopeless and their spouses are unforgiveable. We have encouraged them to work the plans to the best of their ability and to protect themselves, their children, and the new baby physically and emotionally.

ARK,

How would the Harley's counsil a pregnant woman? How much time would they spend talking about how more aweful her husband is?

It did not help me to reconcile when people encouraged me to believe that my WH was was unforgivable.

I believed in my WH, but there were pleanty of people who had no problem telling me how worthless he was and on this site. Those comments that helped me amplify my injury and pain did nothing to help me learn. Those comments did not support our family. Those comments did not support my choice to recover my marraige.

How can a pregnant BW do a plan A or B (to save her marriage) when people are telling her that her WH is worthless?

Faithful,

Yes it is absolutely disgusting that the WH would sleep with the Pregnant wife and OW. But if the WH can't see the risk to himself for an STD, why would he see the risk for his wife and unborn child?

Would the Harley's tell the BW that her husband is absolutely disgusting?

It did not help me to reconcile when people encouraged me to believe that my WH was was unforgivable

correct that would not help...

How can a pregnant BW do a plan A or B (to save her marriage) when people are telling her that her WH is worthless?

sometimes they are worthless....

Loy you must always remember that this site is an opinion site alone...and only you and each individual poster know the whole and real life story....

people mean no malice by telling their opinion....

it is what it is.....

defending your WS may have helped just as much as agreeing to him being a cad....

people celebrate recovery here...and you hold great value and insight to this board..to help those that were in the same spot as you....

voices of been there done that are very very valuable...
so speak your opinion loud and strong....

ARK

moveforward,



How do you think it helps InTexas or Heidi when we tell them that their husbands are particularily evil? Who benefits from quantifying one affair as worse as others? Sometimes I believe it comforts other people to identify situations that they judge to be "worse" than their own. However, what good does it do to voice that opinion?

Especially in the midst of battle.

I think both of them understand that abandoning a woman at the most vulnerable time of her life, when she MOST NEEDS HIM, is particularly evil. I don't think it's comforting, or helpful, to avoid that truth. If you read intexas' post, she is fully aware of this double indemnity and has no problem facing this truth.

Loy, as much as it troubles you to admit this, it takes an extra dose of cruelty and callousness to abandon a woman when she is pregnant. Sure, all affairs are cruel, but it is a matter of degree we are discussing here. And the temperature in these affairs is much greater because of the extra vulnerability of the victim, IMO.

I think your real issue is with the truth, rather than the messenger.

Loy ~ I happen to agree with you. I think that there are a few very angry people who's comments to pregnant BSes is particularly unhelpful.

Loy, I did not say the WH was disgusting...I said his ACTIONS and his disregard for the health of his unborn child is disgusting.