{{{dp}}}

Alph.

DP,

I have been following this thread... You are in a very dark place my friend. But you WILL walk out of this darkness and you will walk out a changed person. It feels like it is never going to get better, but it does. It takes TIME....

Listen to your parents, no contact with her. It only hurts you more.

I wish I knew what else to tell you.

Keith

dp,

I follow your thread with such sadness. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I think you might benefit with more people to talk with you.

May I suggest that you start posting in the General Questions II forum? There's much more traffic, and you'll catch the attention of most of the MB 'vets' who can help put together a recovery plan for you.

It isn't just for people who are still married - recovery is for everyone.

Take care.

Alph.

Thank you.

Last night I aksed myself what I was doing at the nursing home when I started there and by the end of the singing and Bible study with them I know why. This is good to care for others, to meet others need who has much more hurt and pain than my own. I have also filled all of my time up doing these things and being around a new good friend that I have made. Getting into the Bible study also helps.

I did not cry anymore last night and was very tired and in bed by 10:00 PM. My brother called me and we talked until about 10:30, I actually was falling asleep talking to him...

I got up at 4:00 AM, and popped a Bible study tape by Chuck Smith from Calvary Chapel in and listened all the way into work. I cried all the way to work, but this time because I feel that God is in control of this and he has something special for me and my kids.

I have not been taking any calls from her. If she leaves a message on the cell phone I have someone else listen and let me know if it is important to repond to. I do not return calls. The issue she has called about concerns doing the tax's and quitclaim deed. I gave her directions on what to do days ago. She wants to do it differently according to my friend who listened to the message. So I sent snail mail to her addressing only the issue of each item and what to do next, no signature nothing else about anything, no yelling, no emotion, all typed in MS Word, no return address. Plain, quiet and to the point.

The message she left my friend said was really weird. Her saying that because I did not return her call I was palying games. I have never played a game in my life, with her or anyone else. I have taken care of her all through this marriage even through this messed up divorce. Always making sure her bills were being paid, things were stable all through the seperation process and now she is being paranoid thinking I would do something out of character.

I cannot change, I can't be bitter. I don't resent. I have no hate in my heart. I don't manipulate or force. I only know how to love. I know I am not perfect and can get angry for things that are unjust, but I look at what is really going on and work at it from that perspective. Even through this situation I see the little girl who has many issues and is running from them. I have compassion for her and love her more than she knows.

I told her the truth about herself which she cannot see and does not want to hear about and offered her an out, to be free from me. She took it. I cannot be abused. I have to think of my kids and their well being.

dp,

You are in the right steps. There is no way out of feeling this pain than going through it. "In order to rid of the pain you have to feel the pain". When you are done greiving you will be stronger man, wiser and closer to God. I was there a few years back and now I am counting my blessing from HIM.

Have faith. -rh-

Thank you. I know I get confused often but re review and get back to base. This was a stunner to me.

Last night I decided that I have to make an extra ordianry step to stop thinking about myself so much at work (or anywhere else for that matter). I am trying to focus on God and work and no more talk of this. Others have helped me immensley and now I need to work harder than I have been to help them. I think I have done quite well under the circumstances but I want to try harder to pull my weight.

God, please help me through this day and please help my ex. Please help her to find you and stop running. For her sake Lord, not mine. I will follow You Lord, wherever you want me to be. Help me to listen, trust and obey everything you say. Thank you Lord, In Christ name, amen.

Amen.
-rh-

I don't know why, maybe I am overly hungry, maybe because she tried to call again and I am not answering, maybe because I look out at the window and see where she works (I just see the outside of the building I can't see her nor do I at all all day) or maybe because I know now that a lot of people know our situation (I heard someone say "they heard rummors about us...", I feel so dark and sad now... probably all of the above. I miss her. I can't imagine life w/o her. Twisted as that sounds. I need to let go again and give it back to God.

Another thing to note - My stomach has been so in a knot for the last weeks I have found that something warm, soup, oatmeal, coffe or tea, really helps. I am staying away from caffen though especially at night, I don't want to be awake at night. I notice too that this is turning into a small depression. Not terrible. I do want to sleep, just go to sleep for a long time. But I am forcing myself to 10:00 - 10:30 PM. I am still at work, have too much to do to get stuck on this.

I wonder what she thinks of me now, her frame of mind towards me...

Is she glad she's rid of me?

Does she wish she hadn't done this at all and now regrets how deep she has gotten into this with the other man?

Is she having the time of her life with him?

Do they go to all of the places we use to go, the river, the park to make love?

Is he better than I am making love?

Is she getting tired of him bothering her because she wants to be in bed by 7:30 - 8:00 PM with her daughter by the way...

Has he figured out that this will be a problem, her 8 year old sleeping with her every night...?

Or did she learn from me and will apply it to their new relationship that she needs to sleep in her own bed so the relationship can be nurtured properly and her daughter can be better adjusted for life...

Has he felt the sting of her "white lies" yet when she wants to do something different than what he thought they had planned? He is hurried out and confused by what she really wants to do?


Has he experienced her period days? When she is angry about anything and you have a hard time reading what is wrong? I figured this out about her and marked it on a calender... funny how she would sometimes be "all or nothing" during these times... I still loved her and forgave her temp insanity... I wonder if she remembers the times I forgave her shortcomings...

I wonder if he is using all of the gifts I gave to her to take care of her... The things I would think of because I cared about how she worked and labored and I had compassion on her and tried to ease her workload with various things plus rub her feet and back every night...

I am stumped to say the least about what has happened over these past 6 weeks or so. This new realtionship has propably been developing over the past 6 or 7 months. Little by little chipping away.

OK, I need to stop this... I vented for about 5 minutes here. Time to let go... again. Lets see if this helped to let go again. I have not cried today, yet. Maybe after a warm meal and I am staying at my parents again tonight... maybe this will help... good converstaion etc... Lord, again I leave this at your feet. Take care of her. Help her to turn to you. I have to go now.

Have you see your doctor ?. You could use AD or up the dosage if you are on one right now.

-rh-

I have not gone to a doctor. I have taken meds in the past and decided with this loss I would go through it without and face things. I will be OK. I am just being honest about the way I am feeling. I am trying to do two things, one is see my progress, second to vent, talk about it not hide anything be honest.

I wnt to my parents last night, mostly because I live 60 miles from work and I had to get some things from them and they live only 7 or so miles from where I work. Save gas, get the stuff (for my daughter in Grand Rapids going there Saturday) and have good company, get fed, etc...

I was asleep by 10:30 at work at 4:30 am good night of sleep. My countanance is good. I am rested. Yesteday was the first day of no crying. I know I will again but I think that this is a turning point. Starting to accept this.

Thank you Lord. Help me through this day at work. I will see my children tonight. We will have fun. Help me to be a good example to them. Thank you Lord.

I was stuborn not to take AD however 6 months after D-day/plan A'ng I ran to get it. I could took the pain but the knot in tummy I couldn't stand it. I was on paxil for about a few months. I took myself off, tapering down after I felt I was ready.

Have a good time with your kids, cherish every moments. They are lucky to have a strong father and willing to do the right thing.

May the Lord help you heal faster and God Bless you. -rh-

Thanks again. I had been on meds in the past and I found, at least for me, It was another issue to deal with and it clouded reality in my mind. My job requires me to be sharp which I have been able to maintain even through this. Last time, I was a bump on a log, so it was not an option this time. Also had tremmors, and other side effects that were difficult to deal with. So far, as long as I stay focused on the Lord, I have been able to look at things the way He does. My attitude is different about what is going on. Although I grief this great loss in my life, I am looking at this in light of the fact that the relationship was born from a sinful start, not ordained by Him, She is not a believer so it was not going to come to a good end, God used even my apathy in my reltionship to Him to sever this for my own good and He has a better plan for my life. Since this had begin to rapidly deteriorate, I have renewed my relationship with Him wholey and I have unconditional surrender to Him. I have gotten myself and my kids in church every time the doors are opened. I hav been able to wittness to many who have gone through or are going through what I am now. I have renewed relationships with other believers that I had severed in the past. My life has changed because God had to take my face and point it in His direction and say "hello... I am over here, obey me so I can do what you need in your life"... So even though it was one of the most hurtful experiences in my life, I have hope. I have so much hope, and I can leave my ex in His hands and He can do his perfect will in her life. One thing I could not achieve. I tried but I could not do it, I could not make her love me or the Lord. If He can't, no one can anyway.

We had a good time visiting with my oldest daughter. She needed a "care package" of food and supplies. She needs to know that dad cares about her. I tried hard not to mention anything about my "baggage" I ended up only mentioned a couple of things. I keep hearing cute phrases that my ex would say that my family had picked up over time from her. My daughter mentioned one of these and my mom did also the same day and I just causaly mentioned that but quickly got off that topic. I guess it will be a long while until that all is forgotten about.

Another interesting thing is the dreams I have started having. They are dreams of me making love to her. Then I awake and can't go back to sleep. I have my Bible laying next to me in bed, so when I wake (4 or 5 in the morning)I read about, "be not conformed to the world but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind..." also "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee: because he trusteth in Thee." "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me", "Casting all your care upon Him for He careth for you" "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all of these things shall be added unto you" Then I pray and ask the Lord to help me go back to sleep and take away the hurt and images of things that are not rightfully mine any more legally. Also if Satan is the author of this to bind him and rebuke him. I also pray for the salvation of my ex and then pray through for all of my other requests until I start to get sleepy again.

I know that some of this is my physical body reacting, my grieving process, and I am sure Satan has a part in trying to tempt me to wallow in my self pity and wants me to falter in my staying pure. I am determined to not revert back to the flesh. God has given me a chance to start over. He has done so much in my life. I want to obey Him. I have been so disobedient and caused so many of my own issues.

So far I have been pure for over a month now. I have not been with anyone since my wife that December. I don't plan on it with anyone in the future until, if God sees fit for me to marry again, if it is His will. I will stay chaste and I am obeying Him in remaing even pure from self gratification.

He has been there in my time of need even in this. Thank you Lord. I want your perfect will in my life.

Today has been two weeks. Tomorrow will be two weeks I had last talked to her face to face. I know I will most probably never see or talk to her again. I still pray for her. I always will. This will always be so confusing to me, what happened and why. I had not cried for a couple of days but last night the flood gates opened. I know this is normal. I miss her. I know I have to go on. I asked the Lord to help me through this beofre I went to bed and I did end up sleeping from 10:30 - 4:00 am got up and came to work. Thank you Lord... no dreams.

I am working staying focused, goiung to the nursing home tonight to work with the elderly, sing and teach them about Christ. They cheer me up. Last night went to the assisted care home and they lifted me up there also. The Bible study is good for me too as we go through and teach. Staying busy like this has been very helpful.

I can tell I need to start to excercize some of this stress also. I have a doctors appointment with a urologist today, not my favorite guy to see but neccessary. I need to ask him how to healthily stay chaste. I have pains down there, don't know why but probably normal. I have a tumor in my kidney that must be watched also. He said most likely benigne but I still worry a little. I have to leave that with the Lord as well... nothing I can do about it.

Last night I also enjoyed taking my daughters to awana's. They had fun and we were together. We are developing some routines that ar fun and full of memories. We go to Mac's on the way back to their house and get a hot apple pie and ice water at 8:00 PM... they go to bed at 8:30 ish... so now I have increased my ability to see them on every Monday and Wednesday night and every Sunday Moening and night, and every other weekend we are together the whole weekend. I have been trying hard to be the dadthey need in their life and to provide the teaching and nurturing they require from me. They are my first priority as is my older daughters. I love them woth all of my heart.

Thank you Lord!

I think this may one of the last times I will write for now. I had a big cry the other night, everything just came flooding in remmebering scenes in my mind of her telling me that she basically did not want to be with me anymore and that she could not promise me that she wouldn't go and make love to other men, that she thinks she should have done this 1 1/2 years ago. I was so crushed. It's been 2 weeks. I have not talked to her since.
I will continue to pray for her. I will always love her. My daughters grieve at the loss of their step sister they love so much. I wish she really understood how much we all miss her. The way she is now is not her. I know she is in there some where.
I got a phone call from her. Sounded so hateful about the issue she was calling about. She left voice mails. She knows me and how I always take care of things. The only thing I can think of was that "he" may have been in the background so she feels she has to talk to me that way to show her aleagence to him. I wonder how long that had been going on. How many times I heard things that did not make sense, the anger, the twisted arguments that I did not know where they came from. Maybe to build her case for bonding with another.
I know one day she will be alone thinking about everything reflecting back and she may remember how good I loved and treated her and took care of her. I still don't understand this all. I am still so confused about all of this. I worshiped her.
I do thank the Lord for His love and support during this and every time and for my girls, friends and parents. This has been the most difficult time of my life short of my brother dying.

I pray for you. My D will be final soon and until then my H and I have decided to stay in the same house so that our two boys can be with mommy and daddy both as long as they can. I will be moving out soon and can't bear the thought. I am still in love with him. He loves me no longer. Not like he should anyway, or so he says. Our only difference is, I am WW and he is BS

I am praying for you also. I don't understand what they are thinking except that they are maybe numb, escaping hurt in their own hearts (the wrong way of course). Is he having an affair? Do you know? Why are you moving out? Is it his house? Who gets the kids?

It does get better. It has been almost 3 weeks now for me and I can see that I am crying maybe once a day as opposed to all day.

I am looking forward more. I do go back every day at least once a day and my thoughts go back to different situations with her that confuse me. I have pretty much said to myself that I will never know and so lay it on the altar with God and I know he can handle it all. I think this is the most important thing I take away from all of this. He loves us so much. He wants us to be happy and love Him. But we have to unconditionally surrender to Him through Christ who died for us. Then he can work.
We have to stay under that bubble of protection and know that He is in control. It helps you sleep at night. It gives you peace in your heart knowing this. Every day I try to take control but I quickly sink in the blackness of dispair and when I catch what I have done, I quickly give it back to Him. Every day I get stronger letting Him have control. I have satuarted myself with reading the Word, praying almost without stopping, listening to good sound preaching on tapes (Like Pastor Chuck Smith from Calvary Chapel in California or John McCarthur, Chuck Swindol, Bob Coy Calvary Chapel in Ft Lauderdale) This has given me much strength.
I know now that God has a perfect plan for me. Better than the one I chose through not listening to Him from the begining of this relationship. This was started wrong from the start. I messed it up. I know she has her responsibility for what she has done, but what I am refering to is the basic start to a relationship before you marry. Finding a believer, not being unequally yoked, dating w/o pre marital sex stress so you can think clear and make sure you are comtible, having that foundation of God in our marriage, then following God's word during marriage, praying together etc... I had to ask forgiveness for this. I have cried harder over this disobedience in my life than the divorce itself.
I know God has forgiven me. In fact I really believe this is the first time my eyes have been opened to how messed up I have been all along for most of my life because I chose not to follow God's plan. I am wondering if this may have been that actual begining of my personal relationship with Christ. Never before have I been so aware of what was really going on all of these years before my wife and after. My life has changed so dramtically.
Yes, I am sad, I pray for her salavtion. I do still love her, but I am not allowed to look back. That was all wrong and born of sin. I must look forward. If God chooses to do a miricle and change her heart (this would have to be completly His work without my manipulation to be real) then He can do this. But I cannot have that kind of hope. The hope I have realistically is that no matter what he chooses to do, as long as I stay in His will and be obediant, then it will be perfect and I will be happy and He will meet my needs.
I can do a pretty good job of messing things up. Anyway, my focus is Christ. Not my wife anymore. There's nothing I can do for her except pray as I will for you. Pray for your Husband. Let God take control. If you have a pastor, go to him and pour your heart out and follow what he says. If you don't I recommend that you find a church and start attending (I recommend a good Bible believeing church that teaches Christ salvation, death and resurection for our sins. There are good people there who can and will work with you through this. Give you all kinds of support.
I would also try to get into counseling with them ASAP also. As long as you are in the home communicating with him, this is still good and maybe good guidence can help widen this and you never know what God will do. Your's isn't over yet.

It has been a couple of days now since I last wrote... At my job I had to do a lot of work out where my ex works. I did not think she would be in the area where I work, but either she has changed jobs or is filling in for someone, I am not sure but she was there. I could see her far off but I made no attempts to get in her area.
I miss her so much. I love her more than she would ever know. I pray for her many times a day. I don't know what goes on in her mind. I wonder what she is thinking. I care deeply about what happens to her but whatever happens she must go through by herself. I cannot help her. She may think she needs know help and this would probably anger her anyway. Best I am out of the picture.
I am moving forward for my kids sake and my own. What is so weird about all of this is how she said she thought I was cheating. Well she said that out there in front of "him" I believe looking back at when this conversation took place. I think it was for him or her friends that was out there. I can't put my finger on it but maybe to justify what she was doing. Funny thing is that not only have I not had anyone, I don't now and don't plan to maybe for ever. I don't even gratify myself. This is so twisted. If she really only knew... maybe she really does know and this was her argument to have what she wanted.
OK, I have to quit dwelling on this. It's over. I know. God is in control. He loves me and cares for me and has my best interest in mind. I will leave it there.

Just wanted you to know you are still in my prayers. To answer your questions from earlier: My H did have an affair, I had suspsicions. But was not confirmed until two weeks ago through an email that I found, she is married now. But I do believe that he has found someone else. He says he is not seeing someone, but he lied about the other woman too. I am moving out becuase we are getting a divorce, it is our house but I do not want it. As far as the kids, hopefully we can come to an agreement to that next month in mediation. We'll see. I pray for him to. It's just hard to stop praying that God will bring him back into my life. It's hard to let go of him. Everything thing I look at, song I hear, places I see, clothes I wear...their all connected to him in some way fashion or form. I honestly do not know that I can live happliy without him. I guess that it part of the price I have to pay for doing what I did. I'm such an awful person.

I just saw my ex today in the plant. I guess I have to deal with this as well. I am doing better but I broke out in tears when someone came up to me and talked to me about my "wife" he works with her and didn't know wny different. She is trying to keep her secret about this other guy in here. I think she may think that folks will be mad at her and she doesn't want the stress... so I know your pain. Mine is in front of me.

I am staying focused on the Lord, my children and Church. I keep moving ahead. I keep my head up. I pray for her daily, sometimes 4 or 5 times a day. She does not know. I will keep praying for her and her daughter. Not for myself but that she will be OK and will find Christ in her life and really resolve the issues that brought her to this point. I am working mine out with the Lord to resolve mine. We couldn't be right anyway until these get put to bed. I wish her well. If she only knew the depth of my love for her.