Where are you the other 50% of the time - when she's in the home?

I strongly recommend that you move back home 100% of the time. Unless the agreed upon arrangement is legally binding - the case if it was included in a legal separation - you just have changed your mind.

Do it.

Yep, she'll be pissed. But YOU are the responsible parent and your child needs a stable one. If your wife objects to this arrangement, she can move out. Consequences of her decisions.

Now, regarding exposure to OMW - what evidence to you have to share with her? Some is needed. BSs caught cold - you have to assume she is unaware of the multiple affairs of her H - typically go into immediate denial. She will not believe a stranger.

WAT

I absolutely agree with WAT here. Move back home and stay there for your kids. You have no interest in leaving the family so why would you leave? Stay in your house.

The other 50% of the time I have been spending at my Mom and Dad's about 1 hour away (but in the city that I work in).

I just missed the OMW this morning. She must have walked out the door right before I called. I thought my heart was coming out of my chest and if she would have answered then I may have hyper-ventilated. I will continue to try and reach her today. I also have the letter ready for the HR director. I hope to send it today.

These two things will blow this matter sky high, IMO. That coupled with my moving back home full time (there is not legal agreement other than a Gentleman's agreement that I typed up at the time called a "temporary living arrangement" agreement and is non binding in any way).

The very best result will be if my WW loses this terrible job, direct contact with OM and support network, OMW calls OM on the carpet and forces issues in that M, I move home and still plan A her even though she will be off the charts angry, bitter, dis-respectful, etc., she does go see her attorney and he paints an ugly picture for her, etc. Hopefully, at some point I get her to go back to church. This could be a trigger to allow my real W to come out of the alien she has become. I can hope and pray can't I.

Thank you all.

hap, what did SH say about exposure? Does he agree on doing it now?

Once you do expose just be prepared for some real ugliness for a while. It will make you ill to do it and see your WW act the way she will. Just remember she can't act like that forever. The first 5 days will be the worst and it should slowly get better after that.

Immediately after exposure it is critical that you do not LB in any form. This is where you will have to be at your best. Don't get caught up in her tempest.

Stick with your mantra or fighting for your M and doing it to save the M and family. She will view it as punishment so it is important that you don't validate her beliefs by LB'ing.

I know how you feel right now...it's like pressing the button on an atomic bomb and waiting for the timer to expire. The wait will seem like forever and you will have to seek cover from the violent explostion.

Plant your feet and mentally prepare yourself.

We will be here for you.

Thanks HTW,

I know that she will go ballistic. I intend to be as calm as can be regardless of the ugliness that comes out.

SH had said hold off on exposure unless I found out that there was something still going on and I have a pretty good idea that something indeed is still going on if only EA right now. I know that my super Plan A has had little effect on her and I suspect that it is because she is still involved in some way with OM and fantasy island.

Thank you all for being here for me. I will do the right thing in all cases, fight desperately for my M and let the chips fall where they may.

All the best in what appears to be your upcoming Plan B. I do think it can still work for you but I think plan B may be your best weapon at this point.

What evidence do you have to share with OMW?

Why are you so sure the workplace exposure will result in her being dismissed? - or the hospital mgt even caring?

As for exposure options, it seems workplace exposure is the least effective except for the US Military and situations involving supervisor/subordinate. Most are a crap shoot.

WAT

WAT

I have some cell phone records as well as some taped admissions that I can share if she doesn't believe me. I really don't want to due to legal concerns if I don't have to.

As far as the hospital goes, I don't really think that they want the PR nightmare that could accompany this. She has not real legal employment rights as she is only a temporary employee of a contract service that provides nurses for the hospital. I hope this will be enought to get her out of that environment and even if not by putting the hospital on notice and by telling OMW this should make it hard to continue playing fantasy island in the secret anywhere in that town or hospital at any time.

Well, I thought I was going to die a moment ago while speaking with the HR director at my WW employment. I made it through with several breaks to catch my breath and to compose myself after crying when describing my family to her. She seemed very concerned and seemed as if she totally believed in me and what I was saying. When I told her who my WW was involved with I could almost sense a "here we go again" type of thought come through the phone. She was very helpful and I have sent her a fax and fed ex of the letter that contains many more details that I was able to share with her on the phone. I hope this helps the situation in some way. I can only imagine the response of my WW after being involved in this by HR and others.

Pray for me.

Good job, HAP.

We know that was tough.


Yep, could have almost predicted this, huh?

Did she speak to possible dismissal of your wife?

Standby for a storm the likes of which you have likely never seen. Be ready with a calm response. Do not deny the exposure: "I was acting in the best interests of our family."

WAT

This HR lady seemed genuinely concerned and sincere. We did not get into details about my expectations over the phone but I do mention them in the letter she received.

I have one more bomb to drop. I am going to call the OMW this afternoon to inform her.

You are right it will be like a nuclear bomb went off when my WW and her "lover" are confronted with this claim and information. I only hope that her immediate boss didn't already know of this although he and my WW and her girlfriend had gotten pretty tight over the past 6 months. He makes a good living supplying nurses to the hospital and he doesn't need a PR nightmare that this could become, tight or not with WW and girlfriend of hers.

I will most certainly keep repeating like a broken record that my only intention is to help save our M and protect our family. Nothing else will come out of my mouth no matter what she does or says.

hap,

Hang tight this will be ugly for a while so after the initial confrontation try and leave your WW alone. Maybe take the kids out or something.

It is possible people at work already know and are turning a blind eye to the A.

You did good so don't let your WW actions get you down.

Remember no LB'ing and repeat why you did it.

Thanks HTW,

A lot of people did know about the A. I think though it was people within her support network or those at levels too low to care or worry about. We will see what happens now that high level person "dime a dozen" temp RN on after something like this outweighs the potential for harm to the hospital. I would think not. I copied my attorney on the letter for effect.

Yes, she will be irate to the exponential degree but I just don't care anymore. Guess what I have been angry and much much more for four months now. Maybe she will hit rock bottom at some point and only have God to look up to. At that point I think there may be some room for my W squeeze out of the WW that now exists. I hope so.

Have to call OMW now. Pray for me.

Just received an very nice phone call from HR director indicating that she received the letter from me. She assures me that she will investigate it thouroughly. She indicated that she will be out of the office tomorrow and Monday so that it may be Tuesday before I hear anything from her again. This is actually good since WW will be working Monday and Tuesday night and be out of town and avaiallbe to the HR director Tuesday night should she complete her investigation.

This sounds very promising. How did it go with the OMW? Have you made the call yet? Looks like your doing a very good job at exposing. My prayers are with you for continued success.

Thanks for the well wishes Newly.

I was unable to make contact with OMW yesterday but was finally able to verify that she still lives in the home and they are married.

I will call today to talk with her while OM is at the office. It will be a tough conversation and one that I don't look forward to. It is the right thing to do and necessary. This coupled with the HR investigation should make this weekend and next week very interesting with my WW.

hap,

Keep busy this weekend and continue to Plan A. You want your WW to know that your exposure was not done to punish but to save the marriage. Give her some space and remember absolutely no LB'ing.

I read on another thread that you feel you are close to Plan B. Let me suggest that you continue with Plan A for a while since you are no quite ready for Plan B yet. Remember this stuff takes a long time and for your Plan A to be effective you need to apply it for a while.

If and when you get to Plan B we will be here to help you, but I would concentrate on Plan A right now.

stay strong.

Yo HAP!

Moving home this weekend? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Forget about Plan B for now. You're no where close. First you have to move home and THEN your wife has to separate from you.

WAT

HEY there WAT and HTW

Thank you two so much for your help in this. I couldn't do it without you. Just had another great session with SH and I understand a lot better what makes WW tick at the point she is now. He told me to be ready for a firestorm when and if WW is let go of job and as OMW is notified of the A and starts to make contact and or make life he11 for OM.

I will actually be moving back in on Monday. She doesn't know this for sure and will likely think I have backed down again after I don't come home this weekend (I am actually going out of town to see a male friend, play some golf and have some fun for a change). WW will be babysitting the kids all weekend and think that I have wiened out. Monday and Tuesday are my nights at the home anyway (she is off working). But come Wednesday night I will go home for good.

This will all likely have blown to pieces by that time with hopefully the HR investigation completed and actions taken against her and OM at place of employment and OMW will know and all the ramifications of that will hit home. Those two coupled with my showing up Wed. night unannounced may push her over the edge in some way. I hope that it causes her to pause at some point to take in the damage from hurricane A. In any case I am at peace with what I have done and intend to do. I will keep repeating the following Mantra....."Everything I have done has been aimed at saving our M and protecting our children" over and over again, no LBing or DJing no matter what she says or how ugly she acts.

SH suggested that after the initial firestorm that I begin to plant little seeds of hope in short concise and easy to follow phrases and walk away without expectation. I will continue have fun with the kids and continue to improve me physically, emotionally and spiritually in this time. I don't know whether she will actually go see an attorney next week or not. We will see and deal with that if it happens.

I have a question for some of you. My WW as you may recall works a 7p-7a shift and has erratic sleep patterns, has been irritable, in an A, a complete personality overhaul and moral position change, exercised bad judgement, etc. I was mentioned this to a friend today and she immediately said "drugs". She's on drugs. Likely coke or crystal meth to get the highs to work all night and probably takes sleeping pills or something to come down and sleeps a lot after coming home from work. She continually has a "cold
or sinus problems" that were never as prevalent before. I thought it could be simply from taking up smoking but the friend makes me think that it just could be drugs. The trashy best friend and hubby could certainly get access to them and would the type of people that would do them for kicks and such. Or if it is prescription then her "Dr." friend could easily have the prescribed and issued from hospital or local pharmacy. Just makes me wonder a little.

I don't know enough about the drug stuff to advise, but I guess it could be a player. Wouldn't be the first time on this forum that such a sitch was described.


Don't be surprised if nothing happens by Wednesday. It might, but if it doen't just sit tight and wait. She'll be mad enough with you moving home.

Please describe any of Steve's advice that contradicts anybody else's. This is a continual learning process.

WAT

WAT,

I don't know about the drugs but it wouldn't surprise me by the way she's been acting and who she is running with.


I agree the investigation and resulting actions will not likely happen overnight. I will temper my expectations regarding this. Even if neither gets axed, this coupled with OMW knowing may be enough to make it impossible to continue the fantasy land A at the hospital or anywhere else for numerous reasons.

You are right. She will be very mad at me for coming home and making her little life less "free and wild". Hey, it is what it is. At this point my Mantra will continue to be "Everything I do and have done has been aimed at saving our M and protecting our children".

Thanks WAT.