Hey Caren. I'm proud of you.

Be careful on using DD as a conduit of communication. I know you aren't using her, however she is being used. It is hard.

He can't communicate in the "approved" way because then he is not in control anymore. He wants to control your communication and interactions to suit him, and to suit him only.

He is used to getting everything his way. The same with my STBX. I used to say the quickest way to make sure I didn't get something, is if I asked for it. She would do something I liked and if I said I liked it, ..... she would never do it again and not only that but say she hated it. Same with gifts or anything else, so I just kept my mouth shut, maybe if I was lucky she'd do something I liked and she wouldn't know it. LOL

I wouldn't remind him about the proper channels to communicate. He knows. He is testing you. If you remind him he will feel like he is making you react to him. That will make him feel in control.

My STBX did that all the time.

Chin up Caren.


.

You're doing GREAT, Caren! Keep it up!

As for me... I had the dubious "pleasure" of ignoring a call from WH today, thanks to caller ID. It was the first time I've ever done it. It felt weird. Empowering, but weird.

because caren ~ your husband never really wanted a divorce.

it was just the tool he used to control you. he's still power struggling.

and caren, stop responding - even "NO" through your child.

take the phone, walk into another room and hang it up. stop allowing him to put her in the middle.

Caren....

Keep up the good work..and heed the advice here. As someone who was once an angry and controlling person I understand your H motives. It is almost like a game to him. He feeds, like a shark on your weakness, in fact he counts on it....

Remember that, print it out and put it in the wall....

Right under Motarman's post.....

Stay strong and dark.....

Caren -I have an idea -think of Mark as a bill collector you are avoiding at all costs. He is just rying to collect you. I think my H would do this same thing if I was to go into Pan B. I believe some people (not going to say men) think of their S as a possesion. Do what they want with and treat them as they want. IE: say he watns D but still wants you available to him. Like a toy a child has and when they tire of it they put it on a shelf. You have reached the point of I am tired of this treatment. You are holding out to build a better R and nhot going to cave until your needs are met completely. It is all or nothing at this point -no OW, No more D talk, and treat me with love, respect and complete honesty, no more single life decisions. You are doing great and I commend you. Just stay strong. You are really doing so well.

Thank you everyone. After my last post last night, the phone rang about 11:30 pm, and it was him, but the phone only rang once.....called and thought better of it, maybe. Anyway, DD sprang up and grabbed the phone, but it didn't ring again, so she called him and said "Daddy, why did you call and hang up?" I don't know what his answer was but she rolled her eyes LMAO, then she said "I am in bed..." Then "She's right here...." then she said "Mommy?" I just shook my head no and rolled over. Then she said "Daddy she told you to leave it on voice mail, why don't you do that" (I started laughing with my face in the pillow so he couldn't hear me). Then she told him Goodnight and that she loved him. She then said "Daddy won't leave you a voicemail because he said he wants to ask you a question personally" (Well too bad).

I said "Brooklyn, do you understand why I'm not talking to him?"

She said "No...not really"

I said "It's not that I don't want to talk to him, I do, and it's not that I don't love him, I love him very much, but he thinks he wants to divorce Mommy, and he hasn't stopped talking to OW, and Mommy can't do that anymore."
I said "Does that make more sense?" She said "Yep"...then she started talking about something else, then she fell asleep.

So, thanks everyone for the good advice, keep it coming, Lord knows I need it, because I was tempted to call him back...I didn't do it, but for some reason it was driving me nuts not know what the question was......he probably knew that's what it would do....LMAO I am terrible at that, if you say you want to ask me something *later* I have to know what you're talking about RIGHT NOW......I know he knows that about me, so that was probably what that was....well ha ha, I layed down in the bed and refused to do it. I just kept saying "Caren NO....who cares what the question is, it's probably going to be stupid" and I fell asleep talking myself out of it, and this morning I thought "Man, I would have been majorly mad at myself if I had called...." Glad I didn't

God Bless,

-Caren

It was probably a question about what bird seed to put int he bird feeder...or what you want for your b-day (duh....)

Good job, Caren. Each time you overcome that pull...you get stronger. In a few days/weeks, you are going to like yourself a whole lot more!! The power you will have will be amazing. You wont accept being treated as you have from him again...or anyone for that matter.

You are making the right steps. When you get that pull to talk or call...just tell yourself "I'll wait until tomorrow. Let me sleep on it." Then tomorrow, yo uwake up and go "Nah, I know better. Thank God I slept on it and I have a clearer head today."

Good job. Continue!!

In His arms.

Yes Mortar, that's exactly what I did, I thought...I'm not calling him tonight, if it's still earth shatteringly important to me to know what his question is tommorrow, then I will....but I woke up thinking...Yeah, I don't care what the question is.

So I figure that's a good way to go about it. People have told me to treat his calls like he's a collection agent, and that's a good idea, but I have trouble *pretending* it's anything but what it is. But if I just tell myself "I'll wait until tommorrow...." then I'm not breaking NC, and I'm sure I'll think better of it in the light of day.

Someone earlier (I'm sorry I can't recall who) said "Your husband never wanted to divorce you in the first place"....(I paraphrased). And I believe that to be true. I also believe that Mark is going to come to me in the very near future and want to work it out, and I've already started deciding what he's going to have to do. I don't know if I can tell him he has to quit his job, since the OW doesn't work *WITH* him...I'm not sure about that one, but he has never worn his wedding ring, not since we separated the 1st time....he doesn't know where it is (I think he threw it out, but he says he didn't), he either needs to find that ring and wear it, or purchase another one, and the diamond fell out of my ring when I was taking the trash out, so I can't wear it, so I want another one too (Doesn't have to be a diamond...just a gold band would be okay). I want NO MORE divorce talk....NOT EVER. I want him to be able to be affectionate with me, and tell me he loves me. I want to him to take responsibility for the pain he's caused me and our daughters. Actually, I know I may never get an I'm sorry....I know that most of them don't apologize, but I can still hope that he will, it'd be nice.

I know that it will be up to me to decide when I talk to my husband, and I'm sure that I'll know when the time is right, I don't know yet what he's going to have to *Do*, to convince me to talk to him, that he's serious, but I'll know it when it happens. I won't have to come here and ask, I've been at this for a minute, I think I'll instinctively know, like I knew about the *A*.

I have the strangest feeling, it's so different than it was before, everything has lost it's sense of urgency, I'm so calm, I am able to resist Mark's advances because the Lord's strength is with me. And I have been so uncertain of everything all along, but I'm not anymore, I know it's going to be okay.

Ask and ye shall receive.

God Bless,


-Caren

Nothing to report thusfar today..........I guess no news is good news <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

-Caren

Hi Caren - I just caught up on you! Good job with resisting Mark's calls. I like your little talk with Brooklyn. I have been on the verge of explaining things to DS several times......He has to know the truth, but I keep wanting to protect his innocence. DS is only 6 though....

You are doing great!

Kim

Thanks Kim.....right back atcha!!

God Bless,

-Caren