Personally, I have felt doomed over this!!! I felt that it won't matter how much I try to do, my FWH is going to sabotage it without even realizing it.
The key for me is that my FWH does want to change this behavior. That is a good start. With recovery, Suzet*'s post to my questions about responsibility of WS & BS has helped to show my husband that my recovery depends on him. He NOW knows if we fail, it is because he failed to do what he should to help me heal.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=2#2917435 See Suzet*'s post on What the WS/BS Must Do to Reconcile. My H was all into his P/A behavior & my recovery was completely stalled and I was thinking divorce. My H was thinking my recovery being stalled was MY fault because I didn't want to move on or heal, yet he was doing NOTHING on the list to help me. I kept telling him I needed him, but he gave me nothing. Reading this & showing this to my H has given us hope. I even made my questions simple after we read it a few times: "Who has the biggest responsibility in recovery?" "Who holds the key to my healing?" "If we don't make it, whose fault will that be?" That helped him understand the responsibility he has in the healing/recovery process. I have even gone over it again & again each day going through his list saying "did you do this one today?" I think it is going to be key to us getting through this!
Here are a few things the spouse can do to help the P/A as well:
MANAGING A PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE *Set boundaries. Be clear about what behavior is acceptable to you. Enforce the rules, or he/she won't take you seriously.
[color:"red"] Beware: [/color] Passive-Aggressive people have an unerring instinct for tapping the weak spot in your willpower, so stick to your standards of acceptable behavior.
*Maintain self-control. A passive-aggressve person needs an adversary to make him feel powerful. If you retaliate with threats and recriminations, you reinforce his behavior.
[color:"red"] Beware: [/color] Passive-aggressive people cloud issues with petty arguments. Stay focused and restate your point.
Helpful: If you can't talk without overreacting, write your feelings in a note that your spouse can read in a neutral setting later.
*Make the passive-aggressive feel valued. Remind him of his strengths and the opportunities available to him.
*Get the passive-aggressive to express his anger appropriately. If he learns to express anger constructively, you both will benefit. If he does open up, avoid criticizing. This also might be a good time to suggest that he consider psychological counseling.
Read on:
http://www.passiveaggressive.homestead.com/SUGGESTIONS.htmlhttp://www.passiveaggressive.homestead.com/SOLUTIONS.html
