Thanks, TnL. I'll give it a try next time.

So far, so good with Mom. We've had plenty of happy stuff to talk about, with DD's birthday and all.

So I'm wondering if I'm getting into the anger stage yet. I have just been mad as he11 since Sunday, when I saw the present and card from OW intended for DD (see my other recent thread). Just the fact that he's continuing to expose DD to OW's influence, even though I have asked him repeatedly not to, absolutely burns me up. I was so mad Sunday that after he left with DD, I screamed for a minute or two, then beat the crud out of my bed with pillows. My arms are still sore. It didn't help much, b/c I'm STILL angry.

It's like, I'm past the point of caring what he does on his own time, but when he drags our precious, innocent DD into it, that's just too much. And some of things he has said... as in, "the birthday card from OW is something to hold on to..." Ack! As if DD would want a keepsake from the HOmewrecker who busted up her family!!

I just don't know what to do here. I don't see the counselor until tomorrow. I can't concentrate on anything other than how angry I am. Please pray for me, friends, that I can channel this anger into something productive, that I don't get consumed by it!

Good Morning, SM -

When I went into Plan B, I was still counseling with SH. One of the things I remember he told me was to use my time to find new things that I (just me) had wanted to do, but not been able to do so. For me, that was when I started pottery.

I know that you're a lot younger than me and probably don't have a long list of "things I've always wanted to do", but I would encourage you to find new outlets, be it creative or otherwise, to channel some of your thoughts, energy, and emotions.

I know the anger stage, BTDT, too. It's sickening. For me....when I started to refocus from the hurt of the loss of "us" to the newfound freedom of "me" was when I started to be able to move (somewhat) beyond that.

Georgia

Thanks, GG. You are right, but I don't see how I can do that. There are things I would like to do, but caring for a baby, I mean toddler, 24/7 and not having any extra money makes it hard. Yes, DD goes to bed at 8:30, but by the time I finish doing all the have-to's... packing lunch/bottles, cleaning, etc. when she goes to bed, I'm ready for bed myself. I don't have much time for myself. Last night, I actually sat down to watch a TV show w/out doing something at the same time. First time in a long time I've done that.

I was doing the dance class for myself, but b/c of the temporary order, I have to take DD with me. If WH has her on class night, he has her for the whole evening instead of just the 1.5 hours of class. So that would be three nights in a row I don't see DD. I'm NOT going to do that. He's doing this JUST to make things harder for me, he KNOWS that's the one thing I was doing for myself. And he won't budge on it. He says it's for "DD's sake." What a crock.

Even when WH has DD, I usually use that time to clean the house b/c I can't when DD is home. Or I go out and window shop b/c I can't stand sitting around the house missing her and wondering what they're doing.

You may be thinking, well, hire a sitter. But WH has first right of refusal for child care. So I have to plan everything around HIS schedule. He has a habit of waiting til the last minute to tell me whether he can or can't have DD, which leaves me in a bind b/c it's hard to find a sitter on such short notice. It totally sux, b/c he says he doesn't want to be a "babysitter." Gee, I thought spending time with your child was PARENTING!!

Sadmommy,

I can empathize with your situation. The babysitter problem and first right of refusal makes it hard. I hate feeling like I still have to accomodate WH's schedule. But, in my situation, I have trained him well to have that feeling of entitlement and that is a hard pattern to break.

Anyway, I just wanted to say Hi!

Grrr. Had IC yesterday and was so upset afterwards I had to take the afternoon off for a break. I'm feeling a little better today. Very little, but it's something.

Counselor said there's really nothing I can do about OW buying gifts for DD, that it sounds like WH is trying to "sell" her to his family, as in, "See what a nice person OW is? Look what she did for DD."

I am so d*** mad about this. I'm to the point of wanting to say, do what you want on your own time, but leave our DD out of it. I can't believe he's being so d*** irresponsible and so selfish. Great, here comes the rage again...

Ugh. DD and I are both sick. Colds I guess. I had to go pick her up early yesterday b/c she had a really good fever going. Tried calling WH to let him know, but he didn't answer his phone. So I called the office... he had taken the afternoon off. I was going to leave him a message on his phone after that, but he answered. Told him what was going on, asked if he'd be around this weekend in case I need help, and he said he was going out of town to see our friend out of state. Said he didn't have the guy's phone number and couldn't call him to cancel. What an a$$h***. He KNOWS we're both sick, and he hasn't even called to check on DD. Just goes to show that he only sees himself as a daddy when it's his evening with DD. I can't believe this! Well, actually I can.

I doubt he's even there with our friend. He's probably somewhere with OW instead. I'll bet he doesn't know that I have the guy's number and can check... My mysterious friend called me yesterday to say OW was fired this week, and that she and WH planned to talk to their landlords to see if one could get out of the lease so they could live together. If that happens, WH sure won't be taking DD to his place anymore! Grrr, snort, cough cough hack! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

SadMommy, I hope you and DD are feeling better!
How are things?

We're both doing better, thanks, MSA. Of course, WH didn't even call to check on DD Friday night or all day Saturday. I called him Sunday morning to say we were still sick, that we weren't going to church, and that I didn't think it was a good idea for her to be out in the weather. He said he'd come see her at the house instead. He only stayed for an hour and 20 minutes, when he's usually with her 4 and a half hours on Sundays. I wasn't even around.... I hid out upstairs on the computer and gave my bathroom a much-needed scrubbing while he was here. I came out and asked if he'd stay while I went to buy diapers, and he said he was ready to leave. I thanked him for understanding about her needing to be at home, and he said, "Well, it's not something I like to do, but I understand." What an a$$. It's hard to believe that he is that selfish. Just goes to show that he doesn't have her best interests at heart... he doesn't want to be at our house b/c it makes him feel guilty?

My mysterious friend called me Friday night and said OW has been fired, AND that she and WH plan to talk to their landlords to see if one of them can break their lease so they can move in together. I see this as only positive... Surely he's not stupid enough to move in with her while the divorce is in progress, so it could make him more likely to settle on my terms b/c he'll be in a hurry to get out of this. Or, if he IS stupid enough to do it before this is finalized, it's going to make him look like a super jerk. Either way, I win. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The only thing is.... DD will NOT be going to visit him at "their" house if I have anything to do with it.

Sigh, I guess I'm to the point of not caring what he does anymore. It's like, if THAT'S what he wants, if he really has chosen a trashy, talentless OW over his loving, faithful wife and mother of his child, then he and OW deserve each other and I deserve better. It should be fun watching their relationship implode. What really gets me mad, though, is when he drags our innocent DD into his chaos.

On an unrelated note, please keep my mom and me in your prayers... I think we both need some guidance. She's facing some pretty involved surgery out of state, but called me yesterday saying she talked to her old doctor here who told her not to go through with it, that she needed to come here to get a different surgery done.

We were talking about it a little last night... she wants to come stay with me and DD to recover. Which is fine, but then she's planning to return to her lousy, cheating, gambling BF, even though THIS could be the opportunity to get away from that... Grrr.

((Sadmommy))

Can you ask the lawyers to agree that OW will not be around your DD? When we went to court, I asked for that and it was agreed to very quickly and the judge was very stern that if WH screws that up, he would be at risk of losing his visitation. So I would see if you can get that formally addressed.

I will keep you and your mom in my thoughts and prayers.

Thanks, Jean. In the temp order my lawyer proposed, it named OW specifically. However, in the compromise, it got left out and only states generically that we won't expose DD to anyone we're in a relationship with. Personally, I'd like to see her named specifically in the final version, and I'll do what I can to get that in there. It's something I feel very strongly about, and if WH cares about DD at all, he'd feel strongly about OW not being around her, too.

I know it bothered my FWH when the OW told him she would be a second mother to his children, "just not all the time". Both the mother part, and the not all the time part were irritating, just for different reasons, lol. (I would never have wanted my children to go through it, but one hour with the Dervish would've cured her.) Of course it wasn't enough to bring him out of the fog by itself, but it was one more small nail in her coffin.

Everybody is different, and some aliens can't wait to bring the children into their 'happy' little 'family', but maybe your WH will be one of the bothered ones, too.

Thanks, Neak. He's hard to read sometimes... Sometimes he seems so gung-ho about being a dad, other times he acts like one only when it's convenient. Ex: He bought a crib and all kinds of baby gear for his apartment. But then again, he never calls to ask about her when it's not his turn to be with her... he even went out of town and didn't call when she and I both were sick this past weekend. I just don't know how this will pan out, and the uncertainty is very hard to deal with.

As far as OW goes, I don't think she'd be the kind to be bothered by having a child around. She had moved out west at one point to live w/a guy who had small kids and just instantly took over mommy duties, until the guy irritated her enough so she left.

Can you believe this fog??

I pray that SOMETHING will happen to wake him up before it's too late!!

MSA

i've been following your story since you helped me out with the childcare thing a few months back, and I haven't posted to you since. I have wanted to, but alway sam afraid of offering bad advice when I don't know what I am doing myself half the time. I did want to offer yoy support, though. I know that to come here helps me so much. Mrs. S in particular has been so encouraging and uplifitng.

I don't think you had your siggy then, but when I read it, I am amazed at how similar it is to mine. (our ages, ow's age in relation to our WS's, etc)

I just wanted to remind you to stay strong. You might not think you're strong right now, but to me, the way you are fighting to protect that precious little girl of yours speaks volumes of the person you must be.

Hang in there.
Intexas

Thank you very much, intexas. I've been reading your thread, too but don't have much time to do well-thought-out posts. Now that DD is walking, she keeps me pretty busy! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Plus, I've been struggling to come up with a dance routine. I have my first solo performance Friday at a big dance recital. I've been working on my dance for 2 weeks now and still have a lot to do these next few days... That's sort of what I've been doing to channel my feelings recently... bellydance almost feels like revenge!

Yes, our situations seem very similar, and I was particularly drawn to your story, too. I can't imagine going through this mess being pregnant and then having a newborn with two other little guys to care for. Some days, I wonder how I manage to do it with one. You are very strong, yourself, you know!

I got sad again last night thinking that WH has been gone for nearly half of DD's life.

As far as Mom goes, she wants to come down for the surgery and then go back. She says she's got too much to take care before she leaves permanently and she's in no condition to pack up her belongings. I can understand that, I guess, but I am less than thrilled.

So now I have WH's settlement offer sitting on my desk. No way will I be able to concentrate anymore on work today... I meet with the lawyer next week to discuss it, so I've got plenty of time to mull it over.

Looks like he wants the standard custody/visitation arrangement, which is a relief, but a lot of important stuff is missing... insurance, daycare, retirement accounts. Plus he wants about $20K worth of stuff that he has no use for, mostly very expensive lawn equipment. That and he wants me to pay half the credit card he ran up like crazy.

I know this is just a jumping off point, but I'm very worried about being able to stay afloat with what he's offering. Looks like if we do things his way, DD and I will be living in the 'hood. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Sadmommy,

I have no legal advice, hopefully your lawyer will take care of your interest. I am curious though, since you filed, that your WH is making a settlement offer. Have you already submitted and offer to his attorney?

I also filed first, we have temp support set up, and I think everyone is waiting on me to submit a settlement offer.

Is there any relief for you that WH is not contesting anything or making outlandish claims against you?

my ex-hubby tried the same thing with the credit cards....call the company if you have to and get copies of all the staements....our judge saw they were all mens stores charges and asked my ex in open court if he thought "I" was a cross dresser? uhhhhh-no....he assigned all those charges to him. lol

You know, Jean, I didn't even think about that... why is he offering first? His attorney did suprise us by hitting us with a discovery first, too, which we have yet to respond to or reciprocate. We haven't submitted ANYTHING to him. In fact, my lawyer has been trying to call his for about a week to set up a conference. And yes, I am relieved that he's not trying anything wacky!

About the credit card, it's his account, but I was an authorized card holder. I was under the assumption that we were using the card for gas and groceries and paying it off every month. I had no idea he was racking up such big charges! I can understand paying him for what's at the house, which would add up to about $1000, but why should I have to pay half, AND the car payment? (his car is paid off) Add in my student loan, and that would saddle me with more debt than he would have. Definitely not fair.

The offer he has made does not seem to offer me and DD any financial security. Looks like we'd be living in a trailer park or a box, but hey, we'd be together! (sarcasm!) And after I helped him get through school to earn a degree that guarantees him a much higher earning potential than I have?!

I didn't think it would hit me the way it did yesterday. On one hand, I'm relieved that he's not trying something wacky with custody and that things are moving forward. But on the other, seeing it in black and white really made me sad and upset. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />