:::digging around in my trunk...finding a big can of whopa$$...a pail of moxie:::: Got it! Use it like spackle, 'k?
"Pitiful I know."
Prepare for a 2x4...do not look through another person's eyes at your own thoughts and feelings. That is self betrayal. You take that gift of last night's limited affeciton and flush it. Don't do that.
Did Jesus think when the widow donated her mite and he rejoiced that that was pitiful? I don't think so. You are not pitiful, nor was your rejoicing nor gesture. You perceive affection, touch, as sacred. So do I. Many do. Our connection, however limited, is not pathetic or pitiful.
Heck, I consider my H's presence as a form of affection. Go there, I dare ya.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
As for me mixing up MC and IC...my experience coming through again. See, we are in MC, uh, seperately. Same guy sees us seperately. It works because we both agreed that unless what we disclose is confidential, it can be shared via him at his discretion. Takes a lot of faith and trust for that, but it has worked for a year and a half. So, we're really in IC for ourselves, and it has greatly benefited our marriage. Sure drove the ownership of our lives home. We were so enmeshed before. This really helps.
And our insurance doesn't pay a dime of it. If you'd said to me, "To save your marriage, your H is going to pay $480 a month and you're going to pay $240 a month" I would have divorced. Truly. I have a real problem with spending money (all about security). We didn't think we had that kind of money. Then I thought of how much a divorce would cost, what we'd be left with...and it is a bargain. Well worth the rebudgeting. We were helped by God, though, bringing me two raises and a bonus, my H's raises and bonuses, because we couldn't have made it. First we had to commit, then God suppported. That's what I believe.
So, I'm in favor of your wife's logic. No kidding. Stunned, aren't ya?
See, by saying that she has the concept she'll go 30 times, then she's not bailing right now. I'm only concerned with the present. That time is worth it for Plan A. I know how much you want to get some commitment from her, stamp it down and work it out. All of that to get out of the pain and alienation you feel. I hear you.
And I do not believe for a minute she wants to get out, get custody or anything. She wants her family, to not be a destroyer, to understand and accept herself...and she doesn't have any of these things set in her mind, just the bottom of her heart--which is covered up with a lot of junk.
Don't moxie her heart. Keep your moxie for yourself.
The time you have with your son is precious, building and when he cries for his mother, the PERFECT opportunity for recognizing his feelings. Instead of getting angry at her for making him cry, acknowledge, "You are really missing Mom. I hear you. Me, too. You feel angry and sad at the same time." This is the very best parenting anyone can do. Do not try to solve his feelings for him or distract him. He is learning through you how to handle his thoughts and feelings. True parenting at its hardest. Especially when you're only now learning how to do this!!
What a gift!!! Look at this, not through your pain feeling his, but as yourself, a little boy, learning that his feelings are valid, they are his, and you have faith that he can cope with them with your support. I feel so strongly about this because it was missing for me. For so many of us.
You can teach him to self soothe by acknowledging his feelings out loud, and looking around at his present. Dad's there, he's taken care of and anger doesn't end his life, nor sadness or longing. That he can have feelings he doesn't like and live with them...they are temporary. They are information for him. They are his. You have yours. Here's how you deal with them.
He'll have that for life. He's four...super critical age. The more you make it her fault for causing this, then that's what he'll believe. Others make you feel bad stuff. Stop others from making you feel. Control your environment to control your feelings. How's that working for ya?
Sorry...I get angry all over again at the way I parented (last paragraph) and my own inner child. I have the opportunity now to reparent (which is really limited) my sons, but a solid way to reparent my inner child. Can you tell I'm not doing so well? LOL
So, to maintain your sanity, do not go into your wife's mind. Stop. No entry. Forbotten. Off limits. Listen and repeat, do all those marvelous acts of love you do, cherish the time with your son and document...not to make a seperation or divorce real, but to know your reality.
Sounds like your wife is caught up in a lot of stuff of hers and if you need to know what that stuff is, investigate it. Just like you did the secret account. Just don't mindread or assume and betray yourself that way.
You are doing it all...running your business, parenting your child and trying to save your marriage. When you feel any resentment for all of this, maybe because "Where does that leave time for me?" or "Don't I matter?" then stop allowing yourself those beliefs. "This is my life, full and rewarding. My wife may have felt this same way before, overwhelmed, full of resentment for having to do it all. I will believe that this is all blessing and guidance, and not create resentment in myself."
Okay, something close, in your words. I think you're better at them anyway.
Admire yourself, you deserve it from you.
LA
