I haven't updated in awhile.......

Although Mark was making progress, he's stalled out. He's not the open book I need him to be. When I ask a question I get sort of short answers, like I'm accusing him of something. If I asked him where something came from, he thinks I'm implying that *someone* gave it to him.....when all I'm actually asking is "where did you buy it?" or whatever.

He still hasn't given me access to his cell phone and is back to saying he loves me, and he wants this marriage, but he's not *ready* yet.

I told him I can't do this anymore. He's not doing anything that I need him to do to make me feel safe.

I said "Mark.....I've written you a couple letters, I guess I keep thinking one of them will get through to you....."

I said "I need to be number one in your life Mark. Our marriage has to come first, and I need to feel safe.....I don't feel safe Mark."

He said "I know, I love you........but I'm not ready"

I said "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I can't do this anymore.......I can't keep putting my heart on the line over and over......I've never even come close to feeling the way I feel right now. You're losing me Mark........"

He didn't say anything.

I said "You know that?"

He said "Yes........."

So.....I texted messaged him at work and said.

"When you can do the things you need to do to make me feel safe, call me.........until then, I love you."

I have to go back to Plan B. I can feel his apprehension, he's not doing any of the things we talked about....all I get is "I'm not ready".......and it's taking a major toll on my love bank......I feel the love going down the drain, and it makes me so sad.

I have to batton down the hatches again.........

Weird thing is, I don't see any evidence of contact....maybe in the phone records he has yet to allow me to see.......

I don't think they are "Seeing" each other, but maybe still in contact?

Who knows, I'm tired of guessing, and I'm catching myself in snooping mode again.......and I don't want to be there. I have to consciously stop myself from doing it.

Bottom line is I don't feel safe.....not even a little bit.

I need him to protect me, I need him to try.....and at this juncture he's just simply not doing any of it.

God Bless,

-Caren

Time to go dark again and protect your heart. You will be safe then. I think he is still in contact. Might take him awhile longer.

Caren -

Hey - I'm trying to catch up on what's happening with you. I guess there is not one part of this Plan that is easy, huh? Sounds like you are a Yo-Yo here(with the feelings of getting close to Recovery and then feeling like you've been let down again).

We are tough though. You hang in there. Sounds like you are doing what you have to do to protect your love again....

I am worried at how that might weaken your Plan B when you are going in and out of it.... Perhaps it's just that your WH does still have strong feelings for OW. And that's what is making him "not ready". Do you think he is going through withdrawal from her?

Take care,

Kim

I dunno.........I don't think it's withdrawls from her.....we were living together for 8 months before I went back to plan B, and I was checking his cell phone records for contact etc.....and there was only 2 or 3 times that I found.

I'm not 100% sure this has much to do with her.....it might, but I don't know.

I've gone to his house twice since all of this, and I haven't seen any evidence that she's been there. And he assures me that he doesn't talk to her anymore, that she hates him......but I'm sure they see each other in passing since their shops are so close together. He said she never comes into his shop....at least not while he's there.

I've been crying today.....just at the unfairness of it all. It's not fair that I love him so much, and I've been through so much....he should be kissing my butt right about now, and thanking his lucky stars that I'd even entertain the idea of keeping this together.

I know this is what I need to do, and stick to it....he's going to have to SHOW me a lot more this time...I don't even know what I expect him to show me....guess I'll know it when I see it.

He openly says that he loves me, but it's not acceptable to me that he's *not ready*! Why the h-e-double hockey sticks did he call me if he wasn't ready?? Why did he comply with the things I asked, only to slip back into not being ready?

I know that he'll come around, it's me that keeps taking the dang bait.

I still don't believe that there should be a set time for the length of Plan B.....I think it has to be interpreted as you go.

But I have prayed about this......and I feel this is what God is telling me I should do. Maybe I was just rushing God's plan a bit.

*sigh*

God Bless,

-Caren

{{{{{Caren}}}}}

You are right!! He should be kissing your butt right now!

I'm sorry you are sad today......Keep praying and keep the strength that you have. God can give you peace to deal with this.

Kim

Thanks Kim, I know God will get me through it.

I have to go back to the thing that I was neglecting to do before and that was to take what he says....post it here, and reply after I've *slept on it*. That's what I need to start doing, because things sure look different in the morning.

God Bless,

-Caren

Caren - I do believe your Plan B needs to be longer. IMO, he's never really had to grasp what living without you means. You speak to him, phone him, text him, see him. I know you have done the bravest thing by moving out, but there's no emotional distance between you.

You have tried the yo-yo Plan B and it has got you nowhere. I think it is time for at least a couple of months being dark. If it is at all possible, get yourself out as well. I know it's not always easy when money is tight but don't let him think you are sitting at home waiting for him to 'get it'. Plan B, in its truest sense, prepares you for the possibility of life without a WS. TT

I know, TT, I was thinking about that very thing just a little while ago. I have actually looked into getting a 1 month membership to a gym that's close to here, figured it would get me out of the house and I could actually get in a little better shape while I'm at it. I have zero follow through (maybe you've noticed..lol), so this is a 1 month free trial membership....and we'll see how much I actually get my lazy butt up and go and do it..lol.

I've been trying to think of things that aren't too expensive, and where I might actually have social interaction with other adults (don't get that too much)....so the gym is as good a place as any I suppose (thinking there will be a ton of YOUNGER people there that'll make me feel all conscious of my age...but oh well, I'm in a lot better shape than most 25 year olds I know <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> )

I know it has to last longer this time. Honestly, I think with the *thinking things through until the next day* approach will help me, as I tend to make decisions based on my heart instead of my head.

He tends to miss me quickly....as I him, we've always been accelerated in that way....but I need to break the habit of falling for every kind word he says, or putting too much hope in it.

As I said before, I don't agree there should be a set time frame, but I will agree that it HAS to be longer than I've been letting it go. A couple months would do both of us some good. (Let's just all keep our fingers crossed that I can actually DO a couple months....sheesh)

Although, I will tell you that everyday is an eternity to me....time is absolutely DRAGGING by for me since I moved out! And it doesn't matter what is scheduled or what I'm actually doing, it seems to go slowly.

Seriously, since I decided that I was going back to Plan B, time has almost stood fricken still....it seems like a week since I talked to him and it's only been like 8 hours. I'm hopeless.



God Bless,

-Caren

Arrrgh, I hate not being able to sleep. This happened to me before when my husband and I were separated, and I've found it happening a lot in the last 2 weeks.

The Doctor just wrote a new prescription for Ambien....and that's all well and good, I was on it before but hadn't needed it much in the last 8 months or so (But I was living with my husband at the time). So I took the Ambien before I went to bed....but for some reason it only lets me sleep for like 5 hours tops. I went to bed about 9:45 tonight, because I was beat....not sleepy, but tired and emotionally drained, so I took the ambien and was probably asleep by 10ish......but this SUCKS waking up at 2 in the morning. I got up and used the bathroom, and then tried to sleep again...to no avail.

Before when I couldn't sleep the affair was in full swing, and all night long I'd just think about my husband being with someone else. I was obsessing. That's not the case this time......I don't think about that very much at all, I mean I have triggers but it's passing and I can talk myself off of that ledge.

This infidelity stuff is for the birds!!!!!

God Bless,

-Caren

Caren,

Ask your doctor about the new Ambien. (I sound like a commercial). It has a time release thing that kicks in after a few hours and gives you an extra shot of it.

Froz-

Thanks! I've seen the commercials, but I don't have insurance, I already pay mucho dinero for this ambien, it's 106.00 for 60 of them. I can't imagine how much the new ones are going for.

God Bless,

-Caren

Hi folks,

Worked all day today. The guy I do homecare for has pneumonia, so I'm staying with him up at the hospital during the day so his wife can go to work.

I don't want to sound callous, but I'm kind of worried about my job. He's really sick, and he's so weak I don't know that he can beat the pneumonia. I mean it's a practicality to worry about my job......I have to be able to feed my kids....but it makes me feel like a heel to think that way.

Mark tried to talk to me both last night and this morning...I just blew it off. This morning he called Brooklyn and I went upstairs I heard her yell "MOM!!" I pretended not to hear her, and I waited until I heard her hang up and I said "Did you call me?" She said "Yeah, Dad wanted to talk to you, but you were taking too long." I said "Oh, okay" Then she said "He wanted to know if you were going to the hospital today." I said "Yeah, I am" So she called him back and told him.....not sure why....I said "Did you call him specifically to tell him I was working at the hospital today?" She said "Yeah....."
Alrighty then.....

I think I'll start marking the days in Plan B off on the calendar.....I told you earlier that 8 hours seems like week to me, so if I mark them down as Day 1....Day 2....Day 14, I can go look at the calendar and see how long it's been....since I can't seem to gauge it. Then I can combine that with my *Not replying until the next day thing* maybe I can actually get through this....LOL!!! If he calls to talk to me I can say "Okay....he said this and this...I'll give him the answer tommorrow".....and then I can look at the calendar and say, "Oh, I've only been in plan B for 47 minutes...that's not long enough".

That should work right??? I need Kim to come over to my house and let me borrow some of her will power <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

God Bless,

-Caren

REALLY INTERESTING NEWS...not...LOL absolutely nothing to report. I considered making up something.....but I don't have the energy LOL!!

I have to go to the hospital again tommorrow. They want me there at 8 am.....not looking forward to that drive in rush hour.....dang it!!!!

So I guess I'm going to bed....I'm hoping that I may possibly sleep THROUGH the night tonight rather than wake up at 3am....wish me luck <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

God Bless,

-Caren

P.S. Here's my Bible passage of the day from my "Restore my soul" calendar of bible verses.

Why am I discouraged? Why so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again--my Savior and my God!

-Psalm 42:11 NLT

Okay....I don't know what's wrong with me today. I worked all day, but felt kinda queasy since I got up.....I stopped and picked up some fast food italian, and took one bite, and knew I couldn't eat it.....so I've been puking all night....no clue why.

Maybe it's nerves, but I don't think so.......I can't pinpoint what on earth the problem is, but I hope it goes away before tommorrow.

Brooklyn called her Dad at work tonight and he wasn't there.....she came out all freaking out....I said "So, call his cell" So she went upstairs and called.....then she came back down and said "He left work at 6, and he's out getting a burger"....I didn't ask, so I didn't reply. A couple minutes later I hear her on the phone again saying "WHERE ARE YOU?.....WELL IT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE IT..." didn't ask.....then she called again and asked him if Thursday (his day off) he could pick her up after school and take her to get her hair cut and to buy a shirt for *twin day* at school. I don't know what went on in the conversation....too busy puking....but when I came out of the bathroom she was crying. I said "What's wrong?" She was still on the phone and put her finger up like *just a minute*, I said "Brook, why are you crying?" She put her finger up again, so I went downstairs. She was crying because he yelled at her and told her no....and that he didn't have the money. Ohhhhhhh OKAY you have the money to go get a burger (which by the way....he NEVER goes in anyplace to eat....AND certainly wouldn't do it ALONE...but whatever). What a piece of crap! I'm so mad.

So anyway, I was doing okay today until I started puking and then he ticked me off. I'm too tired to be really mad, but it just reconfirms that this was the right decision....I hope he gets heartburn.

God Bless,

-Caren

Caren -

There is some awful stomach bug going around where I am.....I wonder if that's what you have???? Hope you feel better soon.

Mark knows you want no contact again, right? He should not be asking for you to come to the phone & he shouldn't be putting Brooklyn in that position. You might have to send him a short note reiterating or spelling that out again.

Is Brooke o.k.? It must hurt her terrbily to have her Dad tell her something like that while he is out spending money!! They just don't get it. They have no thinking powers.

I went to all kinds of lengths not to interact with my WH - WH was late filing our tax returns & they finally came in November. I HAD to be at the bank at the same time to get the check cashed, but I pre-arranged with the Bank Manager to handle things for me. I stood in a separate area while she took our driver's licenses and bank info.

Just look at it as your ONLY chance to get your marriage back. Treat Plan B seriously(I know you are already, and you are working on your strategy of staying in Plan B).

I KNOW that if I don't do Plan B right that I won't get my real H back.

Feel better soon Caren!!

Kim

Kim-

I dunno, I feel better this morning. I went to bed about 10pm and slept until 7am....that's a record here lately...too bad I have to be sick as a dog to attain it.

Yeah, Brooklyn bounces back pretty quick. When she talked to him before bed last night she asked if he could just pick her up after school....not spend any money, just pick her up so she could see him for a while. He said "I'll let you know tommorrow..."

Yes, Mark knows that we're not talking, he always tries anyway, regardless of what I say....he didn't ask to talk to me at all yesterday, so maybe he's getting it, who knows.

I counted Sunday as day 1 of Plan B......so this would be day 4 at the end of today.

I was noticing at the end of one of Mimi's posts that she was in Plan B for 3 months.....that doesn't seem too bad.

I actually got asked out on a date yesterday......I, of course, said "No", but it was amusing that I got asked.

I almost wanted to do it.....not that I want to date, but it would serve him right to find out. (And believe that my DD tells him EVERY MOVE I MAKE).

I woke up missing my husband.....I prayed that God would give me the strength to at least put that out of my mind.

I have a hard time not thinking about it, even when I'm at work, because as I said...I look at the guy I take care of, and think about what marriage is SUPPOSED to be.

He was telling me yesterday that he and his wife went out on a first date, and have never spent a night apart since. They went out that night, spent the night together, and moved in together, and got married within a year, and they've been together for 18 years.

I kinda giggled at the story......I guess there was no playing *hard to get* in that relationship.

I thought my husband and I got together really quick.....we met, he called me the next day (although he didn't ask *Me* for my number....so I didn't even think he was interested) we saw each other almost every day after that and moved in together within 2 months. We didn't get married for 3 years after that, but that wasn't because he didn't ask me 30 times....it was because I kept saying no. I was scared...I'd been married before, and it was the opposite of good, so I wasn't gung-ho to do it again. I finally said yes to him after we had Brooklyn....he asked me *while* I was pregnant....but, that's what happened with the 1st marriage, so I didn't want to get married *because* I was pregnant. I finally realized that I didn't want to be without him, and that I was finding every reason in the world to say no....but I really loved him, and that was the best reason to say yes.

I think back to that time, we really were very in love. We had our problems, but there was always passion there. I look at our wedding pictures and I can see the love in his eyes.

Lately I look at those beautiful blue eyes of his and don't see a thing.

I always used to look at him while he was sleeping. I'd put my hand on his chest and wonder if he knew how much I truely loved him. Problem is, I just wondered....I didn't tell him. I thought he should already know it.

Not to say I didn't tell him I loved him 10 times a day. We told each other that before we left in the morning, when we'd hang up from talking on the phone...before bed. But that's not the same thing. That's almost just a habit. (One that I miss MAJOR LEAGUE). To this day (well not this day because we're not talking) I yearn to have him tell me he loves me before we hang up or leave each other.

I know that's silly, people have told me that over and over again on this site. But I grew up with that. My Mom and Dad always kissed me and told me they loved me before we left and before bed. And I do that with my kids too. So I miss it like crazy.

I know he still loves me, and I know he still wants me....he just has to get over this cranial-rectal inversion he seems to have.

*sigh* okay, I have to go start the car and take the kids to school.

God Bless,

-Caren

Well....I was sitting here on MB, posting to someone and the phone rings.....it was Mark. I looked at the phone and didn't answer it. Brooklyn was outside playing around with the ice-scraper on the car. I let the phone ring until voice mail picked up. I figured she'd be right back in and I could tell her to return his call.

Well immediately the phone starts ringing again. I thought about getting up and giving it to her, but decided nahhhh she can call him in a few minutes. The phone rang again until voice mail picked up (I know this because it's 5 rings).

Then my cell phone starts ringing. Didn't even bother getting up.

Then the phone rings again, Brooklyn had just come in and answered it on like the 4th ring.

She said "I don't know! I was outside!" Then she poked her head around the corner and said "Did you hear the phone Mom?" I said "I was downstairs" She got back on the phone and said "She was downstairs." Then she talked to him for a minute, told him she loved him and got off of the phone. I said "Did he yell at you?" She said "Yes......"

Do you see that he flips out if he doesn't know PRECISELY what we're doing at every flippin moment of the day???

Brooklyn tells him everything, he asks, she tells. If she doesn't call him precisely at the time she is supposed to in the A.M. he's freaking out and blowing up my phone.

Same thing happens ANYTIME he doesn't get an answer......

I think I'll have to start going places with the kids sans cell phone. That ought to chap his a$$. (If he calls my cell I don't answer, but Brooklyn ALWAYS looks to see who it is, and calls from wherever we are).

It's so funny, because last night when she was drilling him on the phone about his whereabouts, she told me later, in bed that he said "Don't worry about it"........so it's OKAY for his whereabouts to be a mystery, but we should be where we are supposed to be at all times.....Yeah, I'm not feeling the love for that plan.

God Bless,

-Caren

Whelp....I'm going to work.

I had a thought while I was in the shower. I think I'm going to send myself some flowers Friday since Mark has to know everything that happens, I'm sure that Brooklyn will tell him. I think I'll include a card that says "Because of the person you are..." and not sign it...LOL

Oh, I swear....I should have thought of this a long time ago! Besides, I like flowers, so if no one else is gonna get 'em for me, I should get 'em for myself <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

God Bless,

-Caren

Why don't you go buy yourself from flowers for less than $5 form Walmart if YOU like fresh flowers?

PLAN B is about YOU, Caren...

Not about HIS REACTION to what YOU ARE DOING....

I'm not liking the CONTINUED CONTACT BETWEEN YOU TWO with Brooklyn being the mediator...

This will affect her when she grows up. I feel for her. I played this role as a child and HATED IT!!!!

Sorry...

When she talks to him, it should be about THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH EACH OTHER...

You're right Mimi, I shouldn't be having her be the go between, but she DOES tell her Dad everything.....regardless of what I say. I'm generally not around when she talks to him, I make myself scarce so he won't ask her anything to ask me.

Brooklyn was talking about he *might* pick her up from school tommorrow. My Mom normally picks the girls up from school, so I told her there was a possibility that her Dad would be picking her up. My Mom needed to know definitely, because she has a funeral to go to, and it would be more convenient for her to go in the early afternoon, and if she didn't have to pick up Brooklyn, she'd just plan on going earlier.

I was also wondering about my child support. Mark has been giving me $60.00 per week. But when I went to Plan B this time, I didn't iron out exactly when and how I'd be getting that.

So I decided to text message him today, since both things were regarding Brooklyn.

Here's what I text messaged:

Caren: R U picking up Brooklyn tommorrow? Also, when will you be able to do the child support this week?

About 15 minutes later I hear the cell make a tone like I'd gotten a text message, so I looked at the phone, and it said "Voice Mail Message" "Text Message", so I look at the text message and it says:

Mark: No comment?

I didn't understand the message....so I listened to the voice message. It said:

"NO! I'm NOT picking Brooklyn up! You're not going to control me!!! And I'll give you the child support when I'm [email]d@mn[/email] good and ready!"

So apparently the "No comment?" text was regarding that very friendly voice mail.

I texted back.

"Thank you, Mom wanted 2 know if she needed to pick her up tommorrow, and Brooklyn mentioned you may be picking her up after school." (I was trying to ignore the crapiness of the voice message)

Mark: Yes, your Mom should pick her up.

Okay...so that's not a question right? So I stopped text messaging and about a 1/2 hour later he says "Did you get it?" I didn't know what he was talking about, I guess he wanted to know if I'd received his last text....but I wasn't sure, so I didn't reply (I didn't want it to get off topic), so 5 minutes later....same text message "Did you get it?" again.....didn't reply. So on the way home from work like 2 hours later he texted the same thing again "Did you get it?" I still have not replied. Brooklyn had talked to him at this juncture, so she'd already discussed it with him, so there was nothing further I had to say to him.

So......we're already back to the way it was when I first moved out. He, for some unknown reason thinks that questions like "Are you picking up Brooklyn?" are meant to control him....not really sure why, it wasn't MY idea that he take her when it wasn't his time to.

I don't like the crappy comment about the child support, but if I don't get it this week, that's fine, I'll go down to child support and start a case against him....whatever floats his boat.

So anyway, my point being. Even though we spoke about him saying I was trying to control him before (during our brief negotiation) and he said he knew I wasn't trying to control him, he was just mad. He is back to thinking that again.

This leads me to believe that Plan B is once again, causing him pain.

Also, I talked to Brooklyn before I came home from work, to let her know I was going to McDonalds, and did she and Lauren want anything, and she told me what she and her sister wanted and then she said "Daddy isn't taking me tommorrow......" I said "Okay honey" She said "Daddy said 'Brooklyn I have things to take care of tommorrow, things your Mommy USED to do'"......Alrighty then.

Sooooo that also sounds to me like he's a little bitter...I assume he means cleaning the house and doing the bills and stuff.

Okay, I have to run Brooklyn to the store for the shirt for twin day, since father of the year doesn't have the money for that.

God Bless,

-Caren