Caren,

I read that you have not been able to keep dark in Plan B. That you and WH have always been together and spoken..did I read only like a week where you have not?

I am like that. I suck at plan b. I tried it once. Lasted a month. Now I am probably going back to plan b. I have been reading your thread and keeping tabs on you because you sound somewhat like me. I am listening to what others are telling you so I can learn.
I am sorry you are in this place today though. Cant imagine him sending that kind of message thru his daughter unless he is drinking. But it sounds kind of like since he cant reach you, his mind is working and he is somewhat jealous? I wonder if he is thinking...Is there somebody else? Does she have somebody at the gym?

I think you can just sit back, calm down and let him wonder. No need to confirm or tell him otherwise. Maybe that bit of mystery will work on his mind.

Just what I was thinking. Hope you are doing a little better.

(hugs)

Cathy

Good golly, Caren!

What a jerk. If he'd said it to you, you could laugh it off, but the fact he said it to your DAUGHTER? Grrrr!

Self-combustive behavior AND he's trying to get you to come out of Plan B. Further, this is a serious case of transposition: Who exactly was unfaithful here?

STAY DARK! Scream it out here, but stay dark. And change your cell number if you can.

shut the dang thing off!!!!

************************************************************
Plan B--Day 7
************************************************************

Good Morning all. I went to bed....I didn't mess around with the foolishness anymore last night. The ringers were off so if he tried to call....I didn't hear him.

I know him, this morning he's probably thinking...."I can't believe I called and did that, I'll leave her alone". That's how he operates.

Cathy-

Yeah, I've only been in Plan B this time for 6 days(6 full days...today is day 7). I am terrible at it. This time I decided when he does start talking reconciliation (and he will) I will *sleep* on anything he says, post it here and then reply. Before, he sounded so sincere...and he probably was at the time, but he hadn't *felt* it long enough.....there's still a battle between my H and the WS. So anyway, by not immediately reacting to what he's saying, I buy myself time, and get advice. I am also marking the days off on the calendar....because time goes SO SLOW for me in Plan B that it seems like it's been a lot longer than it actually has.

So hopefully those two things will keep me from breaking Plan B. It helps me engage my head, because I'm usually running around thinking with my heart, and my heart wants to be with my H more than anything else in the world.

God Bless,

-Caren

RT-

Sorry, I didn't respond to you, just went back over the post and saw it.

Yeah.....that's a good question...who was unfaithful? Was it me?? NEGATIVE. But WS's have this interesting thing they do....they seem to think everyone has the morals of a styrofoam cup, and that you will do the same seedy things they've done....and they don't even want to think about that.

I know he was being a jerk-wad last night. The premise is it's okay for him to go outside the marriage....but I can't go anywhere or that means I'm doing it too.

I remember back when the *A* had just started, I went out for pizza with a friend (Who happened to be a guy) who was going through some of the same stuff, we only stayed out for an hour and we talked about our spouses the entire time...but he went postal on me. He said the same things he's saying now....."You started *dating* so now I will", which, of course, is a load of crap...he was already involved with OW.

I still don't guess I understand how another person (the OP)can put up with this. How can they justify the person they are in a relationship with having a fit over their spouse? I really don't think I'd put up with it. (Guess that's because I don't have what it takes to run out and be with someone else).

So anyway, just wanted to make sure I replied to ya.

I think I'll go and get my hair cut and clean out my car (It looks like a dumpster on wheels) and then possibly come back and clean my house, but I gotta get out of here today for a while. I don't want the drama starting back up today.

God Bless,

-Caren

I know you didn't mean to do this..easy for us to say from afar..but wanted to point out for future reference that..HERE HE GOT REINFORCED FOR HIS INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR...by talking nasty to Brooklyn, selfishly using his daughter for his own purposes, he got you to BREAK PLAN B....YUK...

And why is it that you don't change your cell phone number? It seems like that definitely needs to be done. I set up a system whereby my H could not reach me at his whim. That is necessary for darkness particularly since he makes such effort to provoke you.

IMO, he has shown that he is not calling Brooklyn as a loving father. She needs to be protected from him in some way. That is imperative for her emotional well-being....As I said before, I am worried about her. This is not good for her at all... YUK....

I would say..get a answering machine for your house. Set up a system whereby Brooklyn calls him whenever she chooses. Only allow him to call her at certain times. At other times, leave your answering machine on at home.

This sounds familiar from the last time you were in PLAN B, doesn't it? Why are WSes so predictable?


So hard..so hard..I know...

Remember..I was a PLAN B failure...

Hang in there....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Caren,

This latest action by your WH has my mother bear ready to come out swinging.

I would relay the following message:

I don't even know what to say.

I am sorta hoping this is a one time thing, that he got the warning.

I don't really want to do battle if I can avoid it.

I understand the mother bear thing......I was feeling it last night too.

This behavior is so out of left field...I mean I know it's typical WS stuff, I'm just saying that my HUSBAND wouldn't have done anything like that.

God Bless,

-Caren

What an awful night! How is Brooklyn? I say turn your phone off not just the ringer. When he starts the inappropriate behavior go stealth not just dark. I keep my cell on so my kids can always reach me. If they are home w/ me no need to have it on. It is a priviledge to talk to his daughter, when he abuses that priviledge remove it. No explanation just turn it off. He'll be mad but he'll get the idea. If he behaves he can have access.

Take these temper tantrums that plan B is working. Stand your ground he thinks you will cave. DON"T!!!

Confused-

Yeah, I know he thinks these things, like threatening to date....or whatever that *piece of a...* comment was is going to scare me into talking to me. "Oh no...if I don't talk to him, he'll have sex with another woman.........Oh wait, he's already done that" (I don't think he thinks about that part).

I did go and get my hair cut, it looks decent...I got all the dead ends cut off and got some layers put in it, so it actually looks healthy and it's not so weighty that it pulls the curl out. (I have naturally curly, auburn hair). I feel a little better about myself after a hair cut. I would have liked to have gotten it colored and highlighted, but I can't afford that.

I am supposed to start at the gym tommorrow, I need to call and make sure that my friend can still do it after church. (My friend is getting me the 30 day free trial). I think since it's a free trial, I'll find out all the exercises I need to do....do them there for a month and then stop going and do them at home <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Okay, well gotta cook dinner. I'm having sausage gravy and hash browns...and I'm starving <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

God Bless,

-Caren

Hey Caren -

Don't cave!! I think that you should think about allowing WH to speak with Brooke only once a day at a specified time. My WH calls for DS every morning before he gets on the school bus to tell him good morning. Usually they get to talk, but if we are running late and there is not enough time then I don't answer the phone.

I ended up turning my ringer off permanently. No matter what ring tone I picked it began to aggravate me when it was WH!!! I only have the vibrating part on.

When your DS is with you, then you should have uninterrupted time with her. And besides that, I can't believe what your WH is saying to her. I think it has been suggested to not let them talk for a few days....I kind of agree.

Is it possible for you to get a note to your WH restating your boundaries? Also, is it possible to arrange strict visitation between DS and WH? That really helps in my sitch.

Day 7 for you!! Way to go!

Kim

Caren - been following your situation. I don't always post because it is so incredibly opposite to my hands off approach. He's acting like a spoilt, stupid teenager at the moment instead of a caring responsible dad. He obviously loves Brooklyn but he's so obsessed with how YOU are living and what YOU are doing, he's losing control.

Your phone will pick up messages if it is switched completely off. You don't have to listen to it buzzing 24/7. But Mimi is right - why not change your number? YOu might enjoy the peace once you get used to it. You have a house phone and Brooklyn has a phone. How many do you need? Why not use the money you spend on your cellphone each month to maintain the gym membership. Personally, I hate gyms but I just think it would be so brilliant for you to have a place to go to to let off steam. I reckon with your energy, you'll really fit in. And who knows, perhaps in the future it could be something Mark and you do together. (Once he stops feeling sorry for himself and grows up).

Stay dark Caren. TT

Is he her father? Make sure this is reported to all your support group, including your lawyer. Might even consider reporting him to the women's abuse center. He will then have a record of abuse to his child.

He is angry and out of control. Know that now he will stop at nothing to dump his anger and guilt.

Limiting Brooklyn's communication with her dad, isn't the issue. Sit your daughter down and find out her true feelings about how she is being treated, then help her make a plan to protect herself and you.

U 2 need t/b each other's support.

Stop trying to give the WS a chance to screw with your daughter's mind and heart under the disguise of giving him a chance to be her dad. The WS isn't fit t/b her dad. STOP IT!!

L.

Hi Caren,

I have been reading your situation and I feel like we are facing a lot of similar things. I am not in Plan B, but getting close. My WH and I seem to be doing the same sort of "dance", so I have been reading here and absorbing a lot of the good advice that you get.
I am not sure how to link my thread here, but it is "hanging by a thread".
I have decided to post all the emails I get here before I respond to them. So far, WAT has been following my thread and being very helpful. He suggested that I reach out to other BS, so that is what I am doing.
I understand your frustration. I do the same thing you do - one little spark of hope and I am off running, I have the whole mess fixed in my head - I know what I should do, what he should do- and I am ready to do it all LOL!!! No wonder I am so nuts sometimes. Slowing down and being still is really hard for me, but your thread has helped me a lot - so THANKS.

Lizzie

Lizzie-

LOL...I know what you mean. I've never heard anyone put it quite like that...but I have it all *fixed* in my head too.

I will check out your thread.

Orchid, I don't have a lawyer. I know that Mark crossed the line last night, that was ridiculous.

God Bless,

-Caren

I TOTALLY AGREE WITH ORCHID....

Do whatever you can to make sure that does not happen again with your daughter...

His actions were definitely ABUSIVE....

Mimi-

I saw that you posted and was 1/2 scared to read it.

I completely agree with you...it was abusive, I just feel so drained, I don't feel battle ready at all...arrrrgh.

I can't let it happen again, I know that. I have to think about this..........

God Bless,

-Caren

Scared to read a note from me?

I think of myself as being a PUSSYCAT on this forum..

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Mimi-

I guess scared is the wrong word....apprehensive maybe.

I just don't want to fall out of favor with you....I know that you know what you're talking about, and I have really learned so much from you.

Sometimes I just feel like people are going to write me off...I mean I've been on here whining for a year and a 1/2 solid. Eventually you'd think things would get better.

God Bless,

-Caren

Have you ever read,"Codependent No More"? Perhaps it will help you understand better why you struggle so much if you are away from him. Focus on you for now. Work to be a stronger woman. It will help you whether you reconcile or not. Learn to soothe yourself when you are scared or sad: take a bath, meditate, journal, do yoga, watch a comedy, read, etc. You will need these skills in the days and months to come if your Plan B is going to successful this time around. You want your H and it will take some time for him to extricate himself from the OW and the WH/alien.

Plan B is partly about removing yourself from the chaos. That has not happened yet. I agree about changing the cell phone number. Keep the ringers off. Make boundaries for you and your DD. Do whatever necessary to protect yourself and your kids from the WH. Cut him off. DARK.