Caren-

I am an RN. Has he had a speech eval where they check how he does with liquids? Does he need them thickened? Has anyone made any attempts to figure out why he keeps aspirating? Is this why he is losing his will to live? Is hospice involved?

When he goes, let him die with dignity and make sure he is not suffering. You may need a script for morphine at the end to make him more comfortable. I am sorry he may be dying, it is never easy to let go.

Take care

Improving-

They did do a swallow eval, and he is aspirating. He also has residual left in his throat where he can't swallow properly because the muscles are too weak. He is on honey thick liquids, and pureed food, but there is some question of whether or not he is also aspirating his own secretions.

He also has diabetic diarrhea, which is preventing the absorption of the food he does eat. So he's basically starving to death.

They were talking about placing a peg tube, because they were saying that he needed it for nutritional reasons. I asked the doctor when he was in there...."Is feeding him through the peg tube going to stop the diarrhea? Is it going to help with absorption of nutrients?" He said "No, we're mainly doing it for aspiration"

He refused the peg tube. So he is drinking thickened liquids at home and he is still aspirating. You can her his chest pop and gurgle when he breaths. He has trouble getting his breath and he basically wants to die.

No hospice is not involved because he is still taking dialysis, and they won't take anyone on dialysis because it is a life saving measure.

I talked to the doctors before they released him from the hospital and asked them about pain medicine. He is currently on darvocets, but as you know, that isn't going to cut it as time goes on. I wanted them to write a standing order for morphine, when it comes to the time when he'll need it, they didn't want to do it at this time.

Kim-

I know that Jim will be going to a better place, I'm not worried about that. It's the logistics of it all. He has a DNR order, which means I won't be able to do CPR on him, and then I would have to clean him up after he expires....I'm not looking forward to that.

God Bless,

-Caren

Caren,

Talk to your patients wife. Does she want to clean him up when he dies?

You can get the adult equivelant of pampers for your guy, and that will help alot.

The coroner/funeral home will take him as is when he dies, you don't have to do much.

Make sure there are waterproof pads for the mattress, that helps alot.

Just want you to know this cause I have been there with my mom and dad.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

I pray your pt has a peaceful passing. I've been a nurse over 20 years...dealing with death is similar to dealing with birth its one of God miracles. It is the culmination of a lifetime. I view postmortum care as the final gift I can give a pt and family. As I would bath and groom the pt I would often cry and pray. It sounds as if you developed a bond with this gentleman and his wife. Providing care and support during this difficult time will be such a comfort to them. He has been blessed to have you to care for him.

Okay so......Mark got upset with something yesterday, don't even recall what it was, but he called me non-stop from 11pm to 1:30 am. I turned the ringers off, but one of the phones (the one in my room still lets off the slightest ringt...enough so that I could hear it.) He left MULTIPLE messages on my voice mail....not very nice ones....

Today, I changed my home phone number. It cost 30 dollars. To have my cell number changed....same charge...I can't afford to do both.

A step in the right direction for me?

He is already threatening in the voice mails that if he can't get ahold of me by phone, he'll BE at my house.

God Bless,

-Caren

I'm kind of lost, are you in Plan B or somewhere in limbo? I know you were talking with him again, but he was still dishing out more of the same vaccuum (you know, I want more back than I'm willing to give). Were you clear when you went back to Plan B? And are you clear about what you need to resume contact again?

I have been HORRIBLE at Plan B in the past, and I just entered it again... My plan is this...I've asked him for his plan to return to the family and to act on it before I will resume any contact with him again. I know this is vague, but it gives me the final say on what a reconciliation would look like... I have a good idea about what he would need to show a good plan...heck "we've" worked on them before (except he calls them MY plans).

What do you expect from him? What ACTIONS will you need to see before you will talk with him again...let me stress again...ACTIONS.

You are a smart gal...do you see the manipulations you are falling for? Perhaps you need some distance to begin to see the manipulations...

Yes, distance, that's what I'm going for here.

I am sick to death of him being able to get ahold of me night and day, and this goes back to when Mimi (and other's) told me that I needed to limit his access to Brooklyn. I still want him to be able to talk to her, I relayed via text message that he could buy her another phone card for her cell.....but he WILL NOT be calling my house and interrupting my life 42 times a day.

I broke plan B long enough to tell him that the number is being changed (The new number is already in place today) and that he may text me when he is ready to be with his family.

I also told him that he needs to pray. That he needs God in his life. That he needs to pray and find out how to become the spiritual head of our family. He spouted some crud about how he is going to date, and he is never divorcing me, that there will come a day when I want to marry my *boyfriend* but he won't let me (BTW, I don't have a BF), we'll be married forever. I told him I have no desire to marry anyone else, what God has joined together.....He's not interested in hearing all of that and kept saying "DON'T YOU SPOUT YOUR CHURCH STUFF TO ME"....so whatever. I said "I'm sorry Mark, gotta go. I will pray for you. I love you, God Bless You."

Now I'm firmly back in B. I have more resolve now than I've ever had. I never in a million years would have changed my phone number. But I'm just done now. I am not willing to participate in the drama anymore. I am going to find a peaceful place for my Plan B (A peaceful place within me).

He can have fun and date and fill his life with sin....but I can no longer watch it happen. And I know God is on my side.

He threatened, during our conversation last evening to get the new number from the schools.....(Because I'm not giving Brooklyn the new number...since she gave him the last one). SO I have have to call the schools this morning and advise them NOT to give it to him.

I am ready for the peace to begin.

God Bless,

-Caren

P.S. By the way, I have a job interview this morning. I spoke to my boss (the gentelmans wife) about it, and I told her that I have to take care of my family, and need to seek alternate employment. The job is a pretty sure thing because my boss would be someone I used to babysit for, who is also a memeber of my church. Wish me luck.

Okay so Mark is going totally ballistic about this NC thing. He blew up my cell phone last night when I was out to dinner. He text messaged like 5 times, and he called and left 2 irate voice messages about some movies that needed to be returned (The blockbuster account is in his name). Well the stupid things weren't even due until Friday....but okay.

So I took back the movies.

Later at bedtime Brooklyn talked to him, I heard her telling him about my new job. So anyway, they said goodnight and hung up. Then a few minutes later I get a text message that says "This is bullsh*t give me the #"....I replied "You want the # - commit to your family"

So anyway woke up for work this morning, got the girls up and made sure they had started getting ready, and then I left for work. About 9 am I get a text message that says "Thank You Caren....no call from Brook" (Because she calls him every morning) I didn't reply. It's not my fricken job to remind his daughter to call him, if he wants that sort of access to her, he's going to need to do the things that need to be done to save this marriage.

So then about 8pm I get a text that says "Hey You HOT SEXY lady, will you have Brooklyn call me?" So I tell her to call her father.

I texted to ask about child support, I want my Mom to stop and get it from him tommorrow. He texted back "Why so you can go out?" I didn't reply. He needs to give me child support, I could be buying crack with it, it's none of his business.

Okay, so now Brooklyn is in bed, has talked to her father already, and I get a text message that says "Have you been naughty?" (Which is probably TMI, but that's the sort of SF talk we do) I didn't reply. He just texted again and said "No comment?" To which I'm also not replying.

I am so tired I can't even see straight, Lauren (DD14) has an Xanga account, and her father called me yesterday and wanted me to come by. I stopped by and he had print outs of her web page stating that when I let her spend the night with her friend Courtney the weekend before last 3 BOYS SPENT THE NIGHT THERE TOO!!!!!!!! What the he// are this girl's parents smoking?!?!?! I immediately came home and called the father, who said that No, no boys were there...Yeah, he's lying. Why would my 14 year old daughter continue to maintain that boys DID spend the night.....since it's getting her in trouble, if it wasn't true??? So she's grounded from the computer, and I deleted her Xanga account, and it goes without saying that she's never spending the night with that girl again.

So tonight I decide to check in on the keylogger program that's still on the computer from when I was checking up on Mark. And She has been getting on the computer during the hour between when she gets home from school and when I get home from work. Through reading what she's typed I find out that her father and her have been discussing her coming to live with him. (Unbeknownst to me) She said in one of her IM's "Yeah I got busted because 3 boys spent the night with us at Courtney's, and I got grounded, but it's all good 'cause I'm moving in with my Dad soon." She also talks a great deal about sex on these IM's, that she hasn't had it yet, but that if she knew it wouldn't hurt, and she wouldn't get pregnant, that she'd be the biggest wh*re at her school. Isn't that WONDERFUL news to hear about your daughter??!?!?!?!!

So I'm severly P.O.ed about it....I'm hurt, I'm crying....I don't know what to do. She says she wants to live with him because she can't handle the sitch with Mark and I....even though he doesn't live here...and I'm not talking to him.....somehow that's still the reason she *Can't stand* living here.

So what now??? My Mom says I should let her go....but she's my baby...I don't want her to go. I love her, I would miss her....it's tearing me apart <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

So my life is falling apart around my ears....but apparently Plan B is working yet again....he's starting to miss me (He knows I'm a horny sucker...so he's trying to get me to talk to him in regards to SF, because the screaming voice mails aren't working). I think this could work if I stick it out.

I don't know what to do about Lauren, I just don't know what to do.

God Bless,

-Caren

Sheesh, he keeps texting SFish messages......I texted back "Have you done what you need 2 do to make me feel safe?" and I get another SFish message. I'm not replying.....he knows what he needs to do, he's just trying to find all the shortcuts.

God Bless,

-Caren

Wow. Just wow.

I have been following your thread. I can't BELIEVE the way your WH is acting as a result of Plan B. Man, it really demonstrates the power of cutting off all contact. He is trying everything possible to push your buttons. You are so strong!

Just wanted you to know someone else is awake and listening. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Rather-

Thank you...and yes, he's pushing buttons like it's his job.

I finally just texted him back and said "You know what you need to do to be with me Mark. When you want a different, better marriage let me know. God Bless you".

Now he just texted me and said "I just lost power"......okay so you don't have electric, and this affects me how? LOL

Oooooo maybe he wants me to run to his rescue and let him come stay here where we have power and all that......How about NO. LOL

God Bless,

-Caren

Oooh MAN, Caren! He is trying absolutely everything he can, isn't he? Pretty pathetic, really. A big thumbsup to you for not buckling.

I know it's difficult not to respond to him, but when you text him back, he gets A response and that's what he's looking for.

It's possible that the reason he pushes buttons so hard is because in the past, it has worked.

Just like a child when a parent changes the parameters...the child reacts strongly because they are trying to get what they want and their negative behavior used to get it for them.

The better it worked for them in the past, the more they will use it in an attempt to get what they want when it is taken away.

It doesn't excuse the way he is acting, but it may explain why and if you cognitively understand why he is acting the way he is, it can help you form a cognitive response to short-circuit the cycle that's being repeated.

This is NOT Plan B! The proper response should have been...silence. He got a response out of you...which is what he wanted.

In His arms.

Well the man knows me, and probably can't figure out why the SF temptation didn't earn him a call from me......as I said before, I am, ummmmmm, weak in the department.

But I have a poster's comments ringing in my head "Caren, you are your marriage's worst enemy". And it's true, I am.

So he's beginning to feel the pain, once again, and this time the message will be loud and clear......he knows what he needs to do, and until he does it, I can't help him with his pain.

I actually think that I have a new stipulation. I want us to counsel with my minister. This isn't only about our marriage, I am worried about his eternity.

God Bless,

-Caren

What would happen if you stopped worrying about him?

Caren:

There's a psychological theory called "intermittent reinforcement" (every now and then). It's more effective than "continuous reinforcement". Your messages to him every now and then are ENABLING his A, Caren.

Again, as stated by Mortarman, it is ESSENTIAL for you to GO DARK.

Every time that you text message him and you allow him to send a message to you, you have broken PLAN B and have to start the process all over again.

You know me. I understand your WEAKNESS for HIM. I understand breaking PLAN B.

However, I will say that it is in the BEST INTEREST OF YOUR MARRIAGE TO PUT THIS TO A STOP IN ORDER TO BRING THIS TO AN END.

Why can't you close off his ability to TEXT MESSAGE you?

AN EFFECTIVE PLAN B REQUIRES TOTAL DARKNESS!! PITCH BLACK!! LIGHTS OUT!!

You said:



This is up to him to worry about. Pray for him. Worry about your own eternity. He has to come to the Lord on his own....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I was tempted to reply to this post of yours Caren cause Ive had the same problem with my DD14 and that stupid xanga. The way I handled that was NO computer for ANY reason. When I caught on to the fact she was sneaking on the computer when I wasn't home, I started taking the modem to work with me, problem solved.

I kinda feel bad about how she's thinking living with her dad is going to solve all her problems, she's not going to listen to you, she'll probably have to figure that out on her own. Think about when you were young, I know I thought I knew everything, and nobody could tell me anything, (sigh) age brings wisdom. Maybe you could let her stay with him for awhile, so that she can see it's not all your fault.

I like reading your posts , its so great how much you accomplished, you give me hope that maybe I'll be able to stand on my own 2 feet someday.

Caren,
If I ever saw anybody on here that NEEDS plan B its you!
You need the peace of plan B to be a mom to your girls. Lauren is at a critical age...she needs boundaries she needs a strong parent. Mark may not be her biological father but he has been an influence in her life since she was a very little girl...don't over look that. She is screaming for attention. You may be in "plan B" but it seems your focus is on Mark. The focus should be on YOU & the GIRLS...building your strength, coping mechanisms, your independance and confidence...for you and the girls...with out the freak alien side show.

DO NOT respond to his text messages. Delete them without reading. Why do even have the phone on? He needs to grow up and work on himself, it doesn't matter what he says right now...he needs to SHOW you by his actions!!!!When he is behaving like an adult and doing the right things it will get back to you. Right now it seems he is having a temper tantrum....and it is working...he has your attention. If he is not yelling and screaming he's trying to "play" w/ SF inticements.

I worry about kids Lauren's age (my son is 13) They are not adults but they are not little children, there is a tremendous amout of peer pressure...a lot of it they think they can handle on their own. But they can't.

I had a cousin who got lost during my Aunt & Uncle's mess. Uncle had multiple A's and was a big drinker...Aunt was in total denial for years and never addressed issues but fought about everything else. They were so wrapped up in their dysfunction they didn't even see their youngest daughter, she did all kinds of things to get attention...it didn't work...they would ground her but never DEAL with her, she became sexually active at 14 she started smoking cigarettes then pot, by 16 she was trading sex for drugs. She came home stoned on purpose they never noticed. They refused to believe she would do drugs. When she was 21 she was drunk and fell asleep smoking a cigarette...she died in the fire.

Pay attention to Lauren while its early. Don't tell her about what you found with the keylogger. BE HER MOM!

Confused that is excellent advice! Her daughter is obviously hurting and trying to get attention but it's not working. She will do worse and worse things to get your attention so pay attention now. She is not going to make it clear by saying "I'm hurting and I need attention!" She's asking for it in different ways and you have to read between the lines.

I let my younger son live with his Dad for 2 years after our divorce. He begged me to live with his Dad. He cried for him for hours after his Dad would bring him home after weekend visits. After a year, he wanted to come back home and he never asked to live with his Dad again. I told him before he left "I know you miss your Dad now but when you live with him, you're going to miss ME!"

Please be there for your daughter. Young girls can get into so much trouble these days. Does she have a computer in her bedroom? If so TAKE IT OUT. Put it in a place where you can keep an eye on what she's doing. Don't let her be on the computer in private. Ever. If you have to, put it in your bedroom and put a lock on your door so she can only be on the computer when you are in your bedroom too. Sometimes we have to sacrifice something in our lives to do what is best for our kids. It's worth it! They grow up so quickly. She may hate you now for bird-dogging her all the time but when she's 21 and doesn't have a kid or two hanging on her skirt, she'll thank you for being diligent.