Posted on Pre-marriage - but wanted more input...
I have been engaged for 2 years. The problem I am having is moving into my Fiancee's home that he shared with his former wife. He is unwilling to move. How do I resolve this? I would marry him tomorrow if we could just start "fresh".

I just can't "see" myself living there. Has anyone else had this happen to them - and how did you get past it?

[color:"green"]I have been dating a man for almost two years that still lives in his ex-marital home. His ex, her husband and their two children are actually coming to town this weekend and staying with him. (I find this totally bizarre but he opens up his house to anyone anyway because he has lived alone for most of his adult life.)

For practical reasons that would increase my daily one-way commute to work from 45 to 90 minutes, and the fact that my children would have to change schools, and the fact that this would disrupt four lives (while him moving would only disrupt one), I will not move to his house. Additionally there is the fact that it starts the relationship on uneven footing. I've read advice columnists who say that the couple should start fresh so that they negotiate decor, space, commute, etc.

I moved into my former husband's home and disrupted mine and my older two children's life before. I agree with the columnists because I never felt a sense of ownership for that home - I was a "renter". I felt that it was up to him as it was "his" house to make final decisions on most things concerning the home. It didn't help that he was the sort of person that would never agree to any of my ideas anyway.

I would never agree not to start fresh again.

V. [/color]

Sunnyva39,
Thank you so much for responding. I was beginning to think that I was the only one who felt like this. I too would increase my commute from 25 minutes to 50 each way. My youngest son currently lives with me (17-Senior) so he would not move to Fiancee's home with me if/when the time would come. My older son lives just a few blocks away.

I have been in the same small town for over 20 years - and would have to move to an even smaller one.

His comments to me last night were he feels like he is just spinning his wheels. But I see no sacrifice on his part. Plus, I think he views me as being selfish. He too has choices, and his he has made quite clear - HE WILL NOT MOVE.
I totally respect his choice - I have not tried talking him into starting fresh, he knows how I feel.

He is entitled to his choice, but doesn't want to continue this way (2 houses/lives) for too much longer.

What now?

[color:"green"]Diamond,

I don't know what else to say. I am on the horns of the same dilemma. I don't want to struggle any more with the "two lives" thing after two years. I'm very tired of rushing around, living out of a suitcase, and worrying about stuff I don't have time to get done since I spend a lot of time at his place.

To give him credit he does suggest that we help each other do things - like paint his place and paint my place together, etc. He does this in his "problem solver" mode.

I have concluded that my own codependent issues may be clouding the whole situation somewhat. If I am to take care of myself first then I need to stop rushing over to see him and get my own house in order. That would make me happy. If he wants to see me then he can come and hang out while I do that.

If he wants to be together then he needs to move. Otherwise he is going to be one sad pup when I pull the plug. I refuse to tie up my time with someone who will never commit. He has so many friends and activities in his own home area he doesn't want to move for that reason. Well I will eventually get even more tired of spinning my wheels and that will be that.

I believe in compromise, and I would not be so obstinate if it would have been more fair for me to move to his area, but it is not.

V.[/color]

You have taken the words right out of my mouth! He had the opportunity to purchase some land just north of him (parents, brother, sister all will be living on same road) within walking distance of his home - but that won't happen as he informed me last night that he has worked too hard for the home that he has. Makes one wonder how much I'm worth to him? Not enough apparently.

I let him know last night that I would marry him tomorrow if we could start fresh.

I love this man with all my heart - but I feel that I need to be true to myself also - as it sounds like you are doing.

Well, not knowing much about your and his situations (either/both have kids?), I can see both points of view. If he really did work hard for this home, why should he get rid of it? If you truly despise the thought of his ex living there in the past, why should you accept it? You both have some valid points, but it is just the surface.

For instance - does it make financial sense to sell the house right now? Does he have kids to whom this house is "their home"? Can you consider living in this house but remodeling it to purge the ghosts? What did you agree to in this regard when you got engaged (hopefully you did discuss this?)?.

I look at my situation, where I am living in the "marital" home, but which is also a beautiful house which I remodeled with my own two hands and which is my kids' only home for all intents and purposes - and I don't plan to sell it to accommodate a new spouse. Sure, if for some reason we both decided to do so, that would be great - but it would be POJAd. I would be quite unhappy and taken aback if my fiancee dismissed my desire to stay in this home as "not loving her enough".

Have you tried to find a middle ground? Saying "I'd marry you tomorrow if you sold the house" is not negotiation, it is a demand, akin to saying to a loved one "I'd marry you tomorrow if you lost 50 lbs" - yikes.

AGG

I agree with much of what AGG has said. Saying I'd marry you tomorrow if...is a demand.

So many things need to be considered. Financial concerns are top on the list if we're talking about such a big investment as a house. Location of the house interms of its potential for more gain, the town/city & its posibility for growth of future jobs, kids returning to the nest etc...

Making the house so it's yours & his. Her stuff goes, yours comes in or you both pick new stuff together. Change the way the rooms are used, add on, paint, redecorate to make it about the two of you. You live there until you can both agree to move somehwere else. On & On.

The bigger issue is if he's willing to change things at the house to allow for it to become yours together. If your willing to compromise too. If your the one making all the changes to accomodate him & he changes nothing then you have some choices to make about the viability of the relationship. Pick which are hills to die on.

That might be a reason I wouldn't decide to marry someone...
(Among other NOs, I'd be very suspicious... why that 'piece of bricks' has such value, and how come is more worth than me being not so happy in that place...)

What if you openly tell him the same what you said here?

I, somehow, think, that that is always the best way...

Also:
"I have not tried talking him into starting fresh, he knows how I feel."

Sometimes we just think they know how we feel...
If you don't try and try explaining what would that mean to you, he'll assume it is not so big deal for you...?

Well, I see fromyour other posts that this has been an issue for close to a year, and that you both have kids with roots in your respective towns. Tough situation, I can sympathize.

My answer is still the same though - you two need to negotiate this, not get into the "my way or the highway" mindset that you both seem to be in. If you can't get over living in "their" home, and if he can't get used to the idea of giving it up, and if you two cannot come up with a mutually satisfying solution, then maybe you need to brainstorm some more <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

AGG,
Thanks for your imput -
We did discuss somewhat my hesitation with the house, but I figured it would subside and I could accept the house. I would never have guessed that it would still be an issue. He has more than willingly suggested the remodel of the house and we have managed to get a few things done. I guess it's just the house itself - regardless.

I'm not sure where the "middle" ground would be...Not even in 10 years (so he said) would he want to move. Which, I respect his honesty. I would've been taken aback had he said that yes, in 10 years (when his kids are out of the house) that we could move and then change his mind.

I in no way intended that to be a demand - although it may have come across as that. I just wanted him to know that I do want to marry him.

I have no problem with keeping things as they are (his house/my house) - but he seems to be in such a rush to get married.

Again, thank you - it's great to be able to get other's views and be able to meditate on the issue with new light.

Nams,
I agree too with much of what AGG has said - but it's MY life, MY feelings. I completely understand where my F is coming from. He has a beautiful home in the country. I just don't want to feel pressured in making the decision to marry and move into his home if I'm not completely comfortable doing so. He should on the same token, understand where I am coming from. I'm not pressuring him to make a move. I'm just letting him know that at this point, I'm not ready to marry and move.

Changes inside the house has somewhat happened...it's the house itself. She has wallpapered just about every room and wall. Her name is in the concrete. They added on back in 2001 - all the landscaping is done...These are things I wanted to do with him - but find he looks at it as already done and money spent.

I just wanted to start "fresh". And if he doesn't want to move...then why can't we just stay status quo?

Belonging,
He knows exactly how I feel. I just don't bring it up - I feel that he knows, I'm not going to "nag" him. It's his choice.

I feel the reason he's so connected to that place is because just about his entire family live on the same road. Some within walking distance - almost the same plot of gound... But, he did have the opportunity to buy the land just north of him from his sister and she would then in turn purchase his house. But, that's not going to happen - it's back to his sister building there...I think he declined. Again, he made a choice that he was very much entitled to.

Thank you for your insight.

Well, it sounds like you did have a good plan, but now are finding out that it's still not "working" for you - that is perfectly legitimate, and it's good that you are aware of this rather than going along and then becoming resentful. So now it's time to regroup and come up with a Plan B...


I get nervous when people start stating their positions in terms of "I will never blah blah blah". This way, people enter negotiations with their swords drawn. It is much better (and healthier) to start out with a "honey, how would you feel if we kept this house for 8 years until my kids leave, and then we can consider moving", or "how about we remodel this house so that we both feel comfortable" - you get the point. You want to show that you have empathy for the other person's feelings, which does not happen if you come into it with "I won't move unless..." or "I won't marry you unless...". Anyway, there is no easy answer, but there should be room for negotiation - and if not, you may want to ask yourself if this is a good match.


I see you use a similar phrase over and over, and I have to ask - does not "getting engaged" already signify that intent to marry? From reading your posts, it seems that you got engaged but are not all that sure that you two will get married - are there still issues to be worked out, and are you loking at engagement as a trial period, or is it just a matter of waiting for all the arrangements to be made? I am not picking at you, just wondering, since for me, I would not get engaged unless I had all the answers already, with the engagement simply being the (short) period while all the arrangements are made.

AGG

AGG,
I just didn't realize that I would still feel the same about the living arrangements after all this time. That is the only issue we have. I guess I just want him to give me more time to come around and maybe see the changes in the house and become more comfortable on my own - instead of him somewhat pressuring me.

I have to continually let him know that my intentions from the very beginning were to marry him - I guess that is why I state it as so...

I (in my own mind) think it only fair that he give me more time to come around. He feels that if it doesn't happen by the end of this year, it's not gonna. What are your thoughts on a time frame?

You are welcome (sorry I cannot help more)


Hope you don't mind me commenting your Q to AGG...


I think that it is you who can say when it's gonna happen... not him...
I.e.: I'd like more if he said 'if we both work on it together, and with all of my help, we might hope it'd happen by the end of this year...'
Because, this is not your (singular) problem but yours (plural)...

That is exactly what I was trying to say as well <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. I do not see you two working together here, rather both drawing lines in the sand. What is the "it" that is or is not going to happen? No doubt you both realize that the "it" is something that you two have total control over, unlike the weather or the price of tea in China. So when you two talk about whether "it" might happen, without acknowledging that "it" is totally in your (plural) hands, you are doing yourselves a disservice.

Put another way, what actions would be required from you (plural) to make "it" happen?

AGG

Exactly as AGG said.

What scenario can you both come up with for your future together that makes both of you happy? It may not be doable in the next month but over a couple of years perhaps.

I'm really very interested in this situation & others like it. Now that I'm dating & hoping to find my next partner (not immediately of course but men with potential), I expect to run into this.

I live in a fairly small, family oriented town. There aren't a lot of single men around so I've had to broaden my search to a 50/60 mile radius. I'm not in a position to move due to children & if my future patner has kids he might feel the same. Doesn't mean I wouldn't move but there would be lots to consider.

AGG,
This is so very frustrating. I am not putting any demands on him - I completely understand why he would not want to move. All I am basically asking from him is to stop pressuring me, to try and understand where I am coming from, and to give me some more time. I however, do not expect him to wait for me forever.

I'm not sure what it is that "both" of us could do to make it any easier. I have no problem with working on the house together, living in our own homes, and taking one day at a time. He however feels that marriage needs to happen soon.

I have been deemed as looking out for only me...may be true...but I've worked very long and hard to become happy with myself - it's not easy to find contentment in your life - and I feel I have found it and just want to be able to hold onto it.

Guess I'm not very good at "brainstorming". I can't seem to find the forrest for the trees.

Nams,
I have no idea as to what we "both" can do. He is helping make cosmetic changes to the inside of the home and I am just taking one day at a time (which I'm sure he doesn't agree with).

I have no problem with keeping things as they are at this point - but I don't think he will be in agreement for too much longer. I just need to come to terms with the move in my own time (should it happen). I am not going to place myself in a situation that I don't find to be comfortable - as no one should be made to do. I used to jump and then figure out the next move per se - but I've learned that not all "jumps" are right and not all are easily fixable.

Your F has two younger children who don't want to move, either. I can't help but wonder if this isn't a big part of your shared struggle. Perhaps you shouldn't try to blend households before your son has moved on to college or a place of his own. Perhaps the wishes of his children shouldn't take precidence over the plans that you and your F can--we hope!--POJA. Most kids don't get excited over change.

May I suggest some pre-marriage counselling for you and your F? I think you need some coaching here. And, even if where to live wasn't an issue, blending families is a HUGE challenge. Wherever you live, you will become a step monster under the same roof as F and his kids. Believe me, expert help is well worth the time and effort. Been there, doing that.


Mrs. W8ing