Glad you're feeling so much better today. Hope he loses his ability to bring you down. TT

I hope he loses his ability to get it up! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hope he loses his ability to bring you down. I hope he loses his ability to get it up! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

LOL!
Except, he did lose his ability to bring it up for me. That was how bad our sf was <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I found viagra in his briefcase after DDay and he said it was for us, except we weren't having sf!!!!!!!!

I prayed and this is what soothe my ruffled spots:
1) I jumped to conclusion. He may/ may not be sleeping with those girls.

Huh huh.. that lucky? I don't know. If he is, then he has chosen to throw away a M and a woman who provided some form of security for him to be near cheap sluts who makes a living sprawled on cars and parading in short skirts.

You know, I didn't think our marriage was that bad. We had a nice apartment, we both make a good living, we have no problems with in-laws, no kids. I loved cooking so I cooked for him everyday. I pampered him. I cleaned, I paid the mortgage. Sure, I LBed about him spending too much time 'at work' but he was really with OW, and he began his As very early in the marriage... and I didn't stop LBing because he didn't meet any of my ENs over the years. Not even a crumb. We lived like housemates. He walks away everytime I want to have sf. He thinks what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me. That's why he has so many secrets... I just don't understand him... he doesn't get that to rebuild trust, spouses should have no secrets. I can't bond with a man I don't know.

2) I now choose to stay away from this 'sickness'. I don't know why I call WH sickness, I have no other word. I would not be proud to have a H whose hobby is taking photographs of girls sprawled on cars. One of his ENs is admiration... no I cannot admire someone who cheats, then chooses to go near the objects of desire and say 'I only took pictures of them, I do not sleep with them.' Ha, you think I want to hang around till you do? I cannot admire someone who is so shallow and expects the M to be good without the hard work. I ain't his nanny.

or tummy and heart, meet my DH. Ha ha <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> o he takes photographs... uh... duh... of cars... I CANNOT BRING MYSELF TO SAY IT... he takes photographs of girls the type you see in men's mags... how far can you bring that type of hobby... same shot of car, same pouty slut. Not national geographic type of photographer, no no, he doesn't shoot vegetables and sceneries, no <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> The no brainer type of photographs... DH has just relegated... uh returned to his teenage hormonal years.

Thanks, I'll just STAY AWAY FROM THIS MAN and fix myself and let God deal with his transgressions. I don't have the energy for all this.

And... thank you for listening to me and supporting me. I means a lot when someone responds to my... uh outburst, and try to hold me up while I lose my head.

and neak,

Fat is not bad.
Fat is cuddly.
Which was what I loved about WH.
except I am angry now.

RuffledNot,
I am glad to see that you have pulled yourself together after your discovery. I admire that!
Let me make a prediction here........having been through the wars already and made it to the other side I feel comfortable in making this prediction. Through this horrible process that you are going through, you are going to find out that you have more intestinal fortitude than you ever thought you had. You will be proud of yourself for having made it through the muck and the mire and you will have a confidence in yourself that wasnt there before. You will also, thanks to MBers have a better idea than ever before of what a relationship and a spouse should be like. Just keep working with the knowledge that good things are going to come to you and you will be transformed into a better woman than you were before this all happened. As a matter of fact, I would suggest to you that you start giving thanks in your prayer life for the wonderful things that you are going to be blessed with on the other side of this ordeal. You may not know exactly what they are at this point, but rest assured they are coming and start giving thanks for them now!
I will be in prayer that God will help you to see these things in his time.

WCNT

WCNT

oh your post made me cry.
I am still in a lot of muck and I my confidence has plummeted below zero.

Only thing is, I know God is watching over all of this and I have enough faith to know that I will be someplace better, as long as I cling on to Him.

I do need a prayer. Thank you.

Ruff

RuffledNot,
I hope those were tears of joy as a result of the knowledge of the good things to come. My marriage, and your marriage may not be restored but we can personally be restored by God.
And yes, God is watching over you. When we have God we are never alone. I pray that you will feel his loving arms that are wrapped around you now.
Confidence is a wonderful thing. The problem is that too often we derive our confidence from a relationship, a job, or something else. True confidence comes from the knowledge that we were created in God's own image. That is the only confidence that matters ultimately. Our true self worth comes from that knowledge and that is something that this world can never take away from us.
I know you are going to be fine. Just ride the rollercoaster for now, but ride it knowing that better days are ahead and no one or nothing can take that away from you. You are God's precious child and that never changes.

Blessings!
WCNT

I'd pring off the stuff and have lawyer present it in court.

your wh does not get it now. I am a size six. as of last week, my verbally (still) abusive xh on a very short phone call which was supposed to be about my ds, took the call to switch carefully from ds to me...always does. he's a control freak. he called me fat again.

me fat?

I am a size six. dieting but for me...for a bikini in april actually.

I hung up phone.

and his w, the former ow, is so skinny now she looks like she is deathly ill...probably is from the man's stress.

YOU ARE FINE JUST AS YOU ARE.

it's your wh who doesn't get it.

and you're great.

I know it's shocking to see. when the curtain is pulled away and we get the sneak peek into the real life...the real realities of the ws. it is frightening.

I had that happen to me. I was invited to same party my then former h was invited to...we'd been separated maybe 2 mos. at this point.

neither of us knew we'd be there. I was with my friends...the host, a friend of mine, said "oh no...your H pulled up in front in a limo..." they hid me. up on top of the spiral staircase in the house. I could see down below...but it was hard to see me. very hard.

witnessed my then H stumble in intoxicated...walk up to strange women...dance with them basically rubbinb his body against them, and then go off and buy a woman a drink and flirt like mad. NO wedding ring worn. No hint this was a dad or a woman's husband. me? ring was still on.

I was dumbfounded. I didn't know what to do.

so I did what you'd bet I would do.

descended the staircase with friends. me in front. walked past him without a word. went into different area of the party and continued having a good time. no confrontation.

xh saw me talking to group of people and saw an attractive guy (hundreds at this party and huge home)walking up to me. He immediately walked over to the guy and introduced himself "hi i am darth." and the guy said "do you know him?" I said that we were temporarily still married as he was sleeping with another woman. (exposure...calm and controlled exposure again). He told the guy "she's the greatest...I can't believe you're here peach. um...be nice to her. she deserves the best." and the guy said "your loss my man".

my stomach was sick the whole night.

but it was the peek into wh's world that was what changed me.

I saw that person totally different. think I still wore some rose colored glasses still. believed...or wanted to believe he was different. he couldn't be THAT BAD...THE WS COULDN'T BE??

could they??

now you're had your sneak peek into his world. it's scary. it's making you feel horrid. you rethink even yourself after seeing it.

but you are GREAT.

it's him with the problem.

and when he faces the judge, the judge will see the problems too. it's your wh.

Ruffled-

I haven't seen the website (although I'd love too, and may be able to hook you up with some of those hackers we talked about.....I have teenagers...LOL!! Mail it to me if you like), but from your descriptions, I can tell you what this looks like to nearly EVERYONE.....sad, old dude trying to look cool.

I have a friend that is 22. She is GORGEOUS and frequents the bars around where I live. I remember telling her that my WH was going to a particular bar and she said "Oh gross, are you kidding?" I said "No.....why do you say gross?" She said "Oh Caren, me and my friends make fun of guys that age that come into the bar. We say....Ewwww look at the old guy..." LMFAO!!!!!!!!!

We're not, but any stretch of the imagination, old. He's 36 and I'm 38....but think about how that looks to the 20-somethings in the bar...LOL they find us officially ANCIENT!!!!!

Ruffled, he's going to wake up one day, in the very near future and see what he's lost, and of course, by then it'll be too late.

40 isn't old girly....I understand your line of thinking, but I'm pushing 40 and I feel fantastic. I'm a size 3, I've been working out...(I have a 4 pack now...working on the 6 pack <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ). I am getting pretty toned. I should own stock in a wrinkle cream company, I buy so much of it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> People say "Wrinkle cream?!?!? You don't need that...you don't have any wrinkles".......Ummmm that's because I use the wrinkle cream DUHHHHHH.

You're gonna be fine, and I'm sure you're beautiful, and the sooner you realize that......the sooner other people will too. It's all a state of mind.

Have you ever noticed how when you are in a relationship...that's when people start to hit on you??? Do you know why that is?? Because you're happy, because you're confident, because you're not looking (I'm not sure why not looking interests people).

Just be the best, most fantastic you that you can be.....and you'll be beating the guys off with a stick <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

God Bless,

-Caren

You asked what I would think about my H taking skankpix? Well, he'd have a hard time holding the camera with the little stumps that were left. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Your WH's well-lighted but art-less documentation of the figures of trampy women is a problem, but I'm so glad you are getting stronger very quickly, and that you see it is not your problem.

Good for you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Ruffled - I hope you are continuing to feel better about things. His sleazy lifestyle will catch up on him one of these days. About 4 yrs ago, I found an entry on our credit card bill for "Adult Friendfinders Inc". His story was that OW's profile was on there and he was checking up on her. He got himself into a 'relationship' with a woman he didn't trust. Another time he went to the airport for the whole day to wait at arrivals. OW had been to Japan and he was checking to see if she would arrive back on her own. I found a list in his car of all the flight numbers and times. What a waste of time and talk about 'love sick'.

Our marriage wasn't perfect but it was wholesome. He brought an element of sleaze into our lives that I can't get over. He couldn't perform SF with me when his A was in full swing and I kept trying to coax with O/S. Yuk, he'd been dipping into her and who knows where she'd been and then I'd have it in my mouth. I am so 100% behind Lemonman and his push for STD testing. It was a big fear of mine.

The pictures of the Asian babes struck a chord with me. We live in Asia too and OW is a sleazebag passport seeker.

Hi Tummy,

I remember your OW, I think. A younger person who lived quite next door, corresponded with your H and he bought her cds. I'm sorry WH's site brought back bad memories for you.

I woke up this morning with the same searing pain in my heart and I cried. I think of all the BS on MB who fought through their spouses infidelities and I must say I admire them for their strength. This is so painful.

Peachy and Caren,

Thanks for trying to lift me up! It's hard to feel happy and confident during this time, but I'm taking an iota... no a bucketful of confidence from both of you and I'm going to put on some make-up and go out later. In the past, I would stay at home and mope all day, but today, I am going to do something HAPPY for myself... I don't know what that is yet, but it'll come to me.

RuffledNOT,
when I was in the depths of my despair I took to heart some of the advice I was offered here. One thing that stuck with me was that I HAD to take care of myself. I made myself a priority and did things that would repair my image of myself. You are on the right track. I kept my house cleaner than it ever was when my ex lived here. I worked out. I spent time with family and friends. For the first time in my life I read the New Testament from front to back. If there is something that you have always wanted to do for yourself and you never did while you were with your WH, do it now. This can be a time of self-improvement and self-discovery. You have an opportunity right now. I know you will embrace that opportunity.

Blessings!
WCNT

Bleeh.

Not successful at being 'happy' at all today.

I did put on my make-up and went out. I met up with a cousin from out of town and when we parted I got into the car, tears just started streaming and wouldn't stop.

It was hard to drive home, I nearly drove on the other side of the road.
I can't explain the crying.
It just hurts and hurts and hurts.

I broke NC and called stupid stbxh.
He doesn't get why I am so upset.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I'll give another shot at being happy tomorrow.
I'll keep trying till I get it.

WH called and we spoke for about 2 hours.

I think I was able to make him understand why I was so upset. We also talked about other issues that broke the M. We talked about what could have been done.

I felt a lot better after that.
But I still realise it's a broken M, with a broken me.
I wish that he would come back, hug me and make it all better.
But I know that would not happen.

But it doesn't matter now because I know he is so selfish he doesn't even realise when hurts me. I know he cares very little about me. I don't need to be with someone like this. I'll just wait the pain out.

I don't feel good about the pain, but that doesn't mean I can't look good <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />. I'm gonna put more effort into looking good today. My appetite has returned, so it must mean I'm feeling better.

Ruffled-

You are a great person...I can tell.

You are a lot stronger than you know. I understand the crying after you've done something for yourself, I've been there. You do something to try to make yourself feel better .... but a lot of times there's a little tidal wave of emotions afterwards. I've experenced it myself....you just feel so alone all of the sudden, right?

In any event, it does get better. I'm sure that's not all that comforting right now, but it really does.

How long have you two been separated???

I don't know your full story, but I'd sure like to, then maybe I can help more.

Just know that you're beautiful, and he's just too stupid to see it right now. But he'll realize it....but by then, it very well may be too late.

Just like my husband....we're back in Plan B because until he knows what he wants. Well I hate to break it to him, but this is getting easier and easier all the time. I'm detaching big time.....it's a weird feeling actually.

God Bless,

-Caren

Hi Caren,

That's what I need to learn, in double quick time!!

WH dropped by today. He brought a small gift from MIL. We went out for a bite and he sent me home.

I was hoping for a kiss, a hug, and a I-miss-you-so much-I-wish-we could-work-this-out and huge SF after, but alas, nada. Ruffled, what do you expect, he's timed it so that he could off to see his friends, the pig. It's time for me to fish out my much-used-but-not-very-successful-each-time-he-calls-NC plan again... grrrr

I can't remember what Plan B is, because I never used it... WH left the marital home as soon as I found out about his multiple As. He said the As were over and he didn't have a girlfriend at that time, but wanted to avoid any impending fights about the As. He said he would come home after six months (huh?) but he never did.

I did a very good Plan A with what ever time I had till he moved out, but I must say that I LBed big time after that. Two years. I LBed for two years. I wanted him to help me cope with the issues I had with his As, but he couldn't-- he didn't know how to. He wouldn't go to to MC with me either. On top of that, he continued lying about his money, his time, he wouldn't let me know where he was living, he stopped including me in family activities. He was also deep in debts- the banks were calling and his car got repossessed at one time.

The last straw was when he chose to actively pursue this photography 'hobby'. By this time, he was out of the house for two years and it looked like he had no intentions to come back. I asked for a divorce March last year and after a lot of pleading and threats, he signed the papers in June. We filed in September and will receive our decree nisi this March.

So yes, it's pretty much over.
In my logical head, this is over. He is unhealthy for me. But my emotions are still attached to this man. Heck, I still want sf with him. I know I'm not completely healed and it'll take a while... I just didn't expect to reel back so far with the discovery of his stupid website.

LOL

What da ya know. He just called.
He's too tired to be with his friends and would I have dinner with him?

I'm too lazy to put on a pretty smiling face... remember, I don't look like those models on his website.

I want to just nip out and get something quick and go for a walk in the park later. So I said "NO" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

(Patting myself on the back now, good girl!) Can't believe that... I hardly say no to him. Haw haw.