I guess my point is...I very much believe in marriage. I do believe it can work if it is a union of two people and God..not to get religious on ya. However, there are times when it doesn't work and the pain that is endured to try and stick it out when you KNOW (in your heart) it is dead is so destructive. I hate to see anyone go through that....only the people in the marriage know that truth. I stayed too long.

It's part of my "recovery". I won't be someone else's doormat. Out of all of this, I've learned to stand up for myself & I call it the way I see it. If everyone could that honest with others, this chat room would be cut in 1/2. I won't tolerate being put down. I by no means think that I am above anyone, I would just hate for someone to have to feel the way that I do.

I hear ya......I haven't thrown in the towel yet. And while in my heart, I KNOW that my husband is REALLY making an effort to make all of the past up to me, my head won't let it go. I really hope that one of these days I will be able to forgive him. I know that I will never FORGET, but I want to forgive. I just couldn't live with myself if I thought that because I hadn't spoken up, someone else in this world would feel the way that I do. The only other person in this world that I WOULD wish that feeling on is the OW......I feel that she single handedly ruined my life over LIES......I hope that all goes well.

Then don't be someone elses doormat. You see it for yourself not for her, through her eyes. What are you saying here. That if you could convince half the people here to chuck their marriages only half would be left.
Tou don't think at some point we have not all felt the way you do? That is egotistical.

Sickofit,

We have all felt this way. Trust me. I would not have wished this on my worst enemy. Nobody deserves this kind of pain. Nobody!
She did not single handedly do this. Your husband helped.
And let me tell you this. And this I do know, if you do not forgive it will never get better.

By the way. I am presient of idiotville. Not only am I the president, I am the major stockholder! Shares ain't worth cra* though, so don't let your financial advizor try to slip any in your portfolio!

You obviously have NO CLUE what I said. Which is basically true for every other thing that you have replied to me on.......so I shouldn't be surprised. What I meant when I said if everyone could be as honest in their relationships as I have been in my "venomous" replies to you, then this chat room would probably be cut in 1/2 because they would've spoken their minds & resolved their issues. And again, if you scoll up with your little mouse, you will never once see that I told her to leave him/chuck her marriage/give up, whatever it is you think I said. I gave her an account of MY experience. SEE? MY EXPERIENCE. She can leave or take away whatever it is she wants to. None of this is her fault, as it wasn't mine. While I would hope that she has enough self-respect to stand up for herself, I don't know what she will do. And I would NEVER be so egotistical to think that she should base her life on something that I may/may not have said in this chat room. I have simply related my similar experience, expressed hope that she will not end up feeling the way that I do. I'm sorry that you are so OPINIONATED and CLOSE-MINDED to see that perhaps there ARE compassionate strangers out there. Tonight is my first night in one of these types of chat rooms & I have to say that YOU have made such a negative impression on me, that I would rather suffer in silence than to EVER come here again. You might just be someone I used to know........there are alot of similarities & please do not take that as a compliment, as it was not meant to be.....

Because, chances are, (like me) this will always be between the 2 of you & you will NEVER be able to trust him. It's not worth it.

Which is EXACTLY what I said earlier......did the "little mouse" suggestion help? I'm glad that you could put the icing on the cake for me. As stimulating as all this has been, I feel that you FINALLY see what I am saying, and will see that MAYBE she saw that too.......you are the most bull headed, mouthy person that I have ever encountered. I have someone you might like to meet......the OW-you MIGHT just be punishment enough for her....... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I would like to try and tiptoe past the mines, and just say that my opinion is that a single letter should be sent to whatever family members are available, short and to the point, and that they should not be contacted again. If it were me, I would send a sample copy of proof and offer to answer any questions they might have, but leave it at that.

They will either ignore it, in which case you have lost nothing, or they will confront their daughter/niece with disappointment and shame, in which case you have gained a great deal, whether the effects show up right away or not.

The only losing situation is the one sickofit mentioned, where there is repeated contact that the OPfamily does not want.

Just lob the nuke and walk away.

SBD,

This post is for you....there SEEMS t/b a word fight going on about whose rights r whose.....ignore that 4 now.

Let's work on your letter, which BTW, I think needs t/b sent.

Why? Because so far the OW has NO reason to think her actions are wrong. She may know they are wrong but no incentive has been given to prove it in real life. So the OW could try to justify her actions with her warped thinking. This could only ensare another WS.

Here's my sample (note: I don't have all your details so this is kinda general):

OW's Parents,

This letter has been compiled after giving a lot of thought to the current actions of your daughter. As a parent I tossed the idea of would I want someone to take the time and energy to inform me when my child (adult or not), when my child has made gross errors in her life? As a parent, I would respect someone who brought such information to my attention with the right intentions. I hope you are that kind of parents.

As a W, I shudder to think that I have a family member who shared in the hurt that has been brought upon our family. You need to know this as well as knowing that the lesson and punishment learned is not light. My husband is having to deal with the fallout from his bad choices.

As one who respects life and need to live with a clean conscience, I am taking the liberty and risk of informing you that your daughter has beens seeking out other men and selling herself cheap. I have not been privy to what led up to those actions but maybe you can help her gain back some of her respect and let her know that she cheapens herself by throwing herself at other people.

There is also the fear that she may harm herself or others in her quest for this sordid attention getting scheme. I realize this is hard to read and you must know I write this with a very heavy heart.

Please get help for your daughter so she stops calling other people and intruding on other families. Maybe not everyone will make the effort to inform you but I felt I needed to do just that.

Sincerely,

BS and family.

IMHO, the letter would do better coming from the BS than the WS. Why? Because this is to the parents and it will lesson the blow against the WS and encourage them to look more towards their D than the WS.

Give an e-mail address for contact but no return address on the envelope.

NOTE: Reference to other A's or other people is meant t/b vague. You really don't know what else she is doing or why. It isn't your place to know those details. Just inform and let it go.

L.

By all means send a letter. The letter Orchid posted is quite good and her reasoning faultless.

There is one thing I do think you need to consider. She keeps coming back and each time your WH takes the affair a step further… You can send all the letters you want but at the end of the day your husband will have to be able to face temptation and walk away. You really have to get him to commit to the marriage. Are you two in MC?

Bigger makes valid points. If the letter helps, send it. Don't expect them to like it but you are sending it for your peace of mind. If they appreciate it fine, if not it is still fine. ok?

Look into phone counseling with Steve H @ MB or a good MC.

JMHO,
L.

SBD,

I would ignore all of the posts in here except the ones from Orchid and Bigger (not so you neak is ok too).

Up to you, I would trust Orchid, but if the letter came from both of you it shows a united front. Orchid is much smarter than I am about this stuff though.

And what biger said. At the end of the day, it is your H that will have to walk away from her. She will keep coming as long as he lets her know he won't refuse her.

Blessings.

S&C

I made the comment that he needs to be held accountable for taking the OW back again & again. And like Bigger said, you can send all the letters that you want, but if he keeps "taking her back" then it's as much HIM as it is HER. And how certain are you that it is HER that keeps coming back to him-how do you know that he doesn't innitiate it? I'm completely on your side here, so please don't take it in the wrong way....But, obviously there is something between the 2 of them since it keeps happening over & over.......I just think that you should really explore EVERY option that you have. Think about the future. Are you going to be able to forgive him for putting you in this situation? I mean REALLY FORGIVE him? Will you ever be able to trust him again? REALLY TRUST him? Are you a big enough person to just let it go & not throw it in his face everytime he's late, or a blocked call comes in on his phone? That's where I am. (and to whoever reads this & tries to get into a verbal sparring tonight-notice that I said that is where I am & know that I realize that all situations might not be like mine). And speaking from my experience, where I am is JUST as bad as where I was a year ago......maybe worse because now, I think that it's just in my head. I have no other advice but to say to put this situation in God's hands. Have faith that everything will turn out the way that it is meant to. I have a hard time even turning it over to Him, even though I know that is the ONLY way that I could make it go away.......I'll be praying for you & checking in from time to time to see how things are going. You have been in my thoughts all day & I will pray for you, your husband, and the OW.