***he said it's not over Ali, we just need to compromise... I asked him who would be compromising cuz I told him it wasn't going to be me, he said he didn't know but that we could figure it out.***

Translation: Whoopee, I've still got TWO women who want me! I will just get better at lying to Ali and telling her what she wants to hear so I can keep it up with both of them. *whew*!

He's playing you. That's all. He is still 100% WH and zero percent H. Do not settle for anyone but 100% H.
Mulan

Thanks Mulan - and I am not settling for anything. Just wondering if my instinct of him still playing me was a correct one...

He will be cut off once his brother leaves. I say that because we go to see him every weekend before he goes back to base...

Once he is gone -- I am done. Even his brother told me to let him go... O yeah - his brother and I ad a very long talk about it - so no I did not pretend to be some loving wife around BIL - I point blank told him - and thank goodness so did my H's mom...

Hi Allison,

I am one of the few on here who have ideas that may work for people like yourself who are either scared to go to "plan B" for whatever reason.

I have used and experienced many of the things I tell people and found them to work quite well.

Let me show you some examples of things you could do differently to produce better results with your man...



I have found in my own experience with my wife and watching other men and their interactions with women is that men sometimes just "need to be right". During an arugment or conversation sometimes men will defend their point just to win. It has to do with our competitive nature. I.E. football, hunting, golf, and on and on and on... We are programmed to want to win.....

Here is a way that you could have handled that conversation in a different way and possibly found out how to get a man to AGREE with YOUR side.

You DO it by AGREEING WITH HIS POSITION. Once you agree with his original position, you will find it INTERESTING that a short time later he will REVERSE his original position and agree with yours. (silly? YES!) (true? YES)

Tell him this...."WS, you are RIGHT.(don't forget to tell him he is right) Neither of us should change for anybody, and (this next part is the most important to be said as I have outlined) and here WS is what I have decided. (By saying "what I have decided" takes the decision out of his hands and puts it in YOURS)(It also comes across as strong, confident and in control, which is what will attract him back to you on his own initiative)

"WS, I have decided that I WON'T live that way. I really don't want to be with someone (use the word "someone") that has other women as the type of friends that you do and I have finally realized that you ARE right and that neither one of us can change. I think it would be best if we took some time apart. I don't want to talk about it anymore right now, but I realize I have been trying to make you into someone that you ARE NOT and I wouldn't want you to change me either...

Then SHUT UP.... Show him that you are "letting him go"

This strategy gives you much power and yet doesn't really say much of anything to him about the future. The only thing you said is that YOU think you need some time apart. Let him read into it whatever he wants. He may badger you to talk once YOU day you don't want to talk about it, but stick to your guns and keep telling him that you are TIRED of talking about it and need some time alone. You have to have a whole new demeanor and quiet confidence. You can't go back to whining, crying and hand wringing. He MUST see a new found air of confidence that you WILL NOT AND DO NOT SHARE LOVERS....

You need to get HIM PURSUING YOU without destroying the relationship.

I would not be surprised one iota to hear that he suddenly backtracks on his original "I am not changing for anybody" baloney. Many of us men have said the very same words when we knew we were in total control of the relationship. Many of us also learned a valuable lesson when those very words came back to haunt us when a woman we love has suddenly pulled the old security blanket from us.

What have you to lose with this strategy? If he really wants the other woman, the nothing you do will matter and you will be moving on faster.

One thing for sure.. APPEASEMENT DOES NOT WORK..

Good luck

Keep - I am so happy that you posted to me. I read one of your posts yesterday and thought I could learn a lot from you... I am definitely going to use this strategy - MY biggest problem is that I am very lonely and just want company and H actually fills that void when he comes over after work...

I know I need to cut that off - it is being able to be alone with myself that kills me a bit... I hate that I feel like such a weakling... Any strategies for getting over that??

I have been trying to figure out how I was going to tell him that I am letting go - and I believe that your words are perfect...

Is it ok that this will happen once his brother leaves?? I want to spend time with him - and also I am sort of using my H and his brother as a way to have a social life. I think it may actually shock my H a bit if I do it then because we have been having an amazing time together lately - so I am sure he would just assume that I will happily go along with status quo... What do you think??

Alison,
Sorry that I am just getting back with you, but I wanted to read each and every post and reply from you that I could find. I thought long and hard about your situation and what I should say to you to HELP you. As you are well aware, there has been much debate on this site recently on what is the correct marriage advice. I noticed again and again and again in your threads that the people giving advice WERE NOT LISTENING TO YOU. You told them again and again and again that your HEART was telling you not to expose at work.

I LISTENED and I HEARD... It is OK. It is your choice. We can work right around that. No biggie. I would follow my heart also.

Here is the quote from you that I CHOSE from all of the threads you have posted on... The one I have chosen is what you say your IC told you. I couldn't agree with her MORE. She hit the nail on the head. If I were you, I would stop listening to the Plan A stuff and focus on "letting him go"
Of all the advice I read from others on your thread, it was you IC who seemed to be in tune with YOU the best.Think about it...

Here is YOUR comment to what she said...



Sounds like a woman with some WISDOM. I agree 100% with her about your situation after reading the whole story. I think if you listen to her, that she can help you more than you realize. Your gut has been telling you ALL ALONG (and you know it) that plan A is not for you. You seem to be built along my lines. My gut always tells me "why do I want to even TRY to be with someone who treats me like this OVER AND OVER. It isn't healthy. Two unhealthy people can NOT have a healthy relationship.


For now, I want you to chew on that. I will not respond to you again as long as you are going to waffle back and forth on how you handle this situation. To show confidence and to let them go, you MUST follow completely through.I have seen it draw them back far more than people on this site would want to admit. There is no turning back. The rewards of this advice are too deep for the ones who have never done it to comprehend. The ones who can and do work and find out what my signature line is all about, find peace, a new found bounce in their step of confidence, suddenly find others attracted to them in all areas of their lives, and down the road FIND THAT HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP. Why? Because you do NOT have to settle for anything less. There is nothing wrong with you for questioning whether you want to be with a cheater and a liar and someone who waffles and can't make up their minds what they want. All the while out having the time of their life bopping the "friend". I think it is quite "healthy" to question what it is that YOU should do when that occurs.

Good luck...

Alison, please be careful about accepting advice from posters on this website who do not support MB principles. You've already made the decision to try to revive your marriage or you wouldn't be here at marriagebuilders.com. If you've changed that decision, you probably don't need anyone's advice but an attorney's.

If you do want to keep your marriage going and get your husband to return to you, please listen to what the pros out here are telling you. When you get ready to stop the affair, you're going to have to do a full exposure or your husband and that woman will never be motivated to stop their adultery. Why would they? Your husband is living apart from you and able to see her anytime he wants to. You get the crumbs, of course. He comes to see you occasionally. Is that what you want?

Alison, MB principles are NOT intuitive. They actually go against everything your instincts are telling you to do. You cannot "follow your heart" because it won't work. When you get ready for us, the folks on MB will be ready to help you through the exposure and implementation of a good Plan A.

"following your heart" is how waywards get wayward, if you mean acting from emotion.

Requires active manipulation to do. I wonder what a recovered marriage would look like as a result. Maybe the ends justify the means idea? Awful statement of entitlement.

LA

Well, we had a fun weekend and I plan A'd very well, but I also realized that the plan A does not necessarily work on my H...

I have always given him a warm and loving home and I have always been warm and loving - so that alone will not get my H back... I did not LB until Saturday night when I realized that I do not have the willpower to hold in my thoughts. I am a very outspoken girl and if I kept things to myself, well that is a compromise I am not willing to make...

My H told me that I hold a double standard because I flirted with men but told him not to flirt in front of me... Yet I went right ahead and did it. We both feel that casual, innocent flirting is cool and quite healty in any relationship... I told my H I wouldn't care if he flirted, I only care about is friendship with Traci...

The comment that made my H the maddest was when he said, "You would kill me if you saw me talking to one girl in here." to which I replied, "No - You're wrong the one girl I don't want you talking with is on a cruise, so flirt away." So that was my major LB or DJ or whatever it was, and I gotta tell ya - it felt good to say it...

I asked my H what he was thinking earlier in the evening and he told me he was tinking about me and what it was that I wanted. I told him I want a little bit of everything, but I most of all I want an honest man and an honest marriage...

Anyway - sorry I was rambling. I believe the the MB principles could work, but I do not believe they will work for me in my marriage. I have seen more results when I have been distant, so I will have to go with that...

I told H last night what KEEP had told me to say so we will see how that works... I have IC today and I am hoping she will help me to figure out a plan where I cna be strong enough to follow through...

For now I am choosing to "let him go" and leave the relationship alone for a bit... I am doing tis because it truly will help me more in the long run to build up my esteem and my belief in myself... Right now - it is about me and I am going to focus on the most important person in my life (me and DD)... Selfish as it sounds, I feel that this route will help my marriage more...

So - KeepMovn4Ward - I will not waiver - I have made my decision. If you are still willing to help, maybe we could find a different place to discuss things since I don't feel that the MB'ers will accept this decision...

WTF??????? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Alison - you seem to be going backward, not forward. Seems to me you're setting yourself up for failure at every turn. It's really tragic to watch.

"I have seen more results when I have been distant, so I will have to go with that..."

When you manipulate to get your man, all you have is a manipulated man to be with you.

LA

I do not see why casual flirting with people you would never see again is a terrible thing... It is an ego boost and if one is in a confident and honest relationship it should cause no problems...

When my H and I were dating this was not a problem and I don't see why it should be... He trusted me and I trusted him... Flirting, which maybe I should say "talking" not flirting really - I didn't bat my eyes nor where there any "sexual feelings" while speaking with different people. It was just talking to random people who were at the bar - why is that bad??

Are we supposed to cower in the corner and only be allowed to speak to each other???

Maybe I do hold a double standard...

Loving - I do not feel this is a manipulation. I need a bit of time away from my H. I need it to gain strength on my own. I have not had to feel "on my own" in a very long time and neither has my H, so I feel it will be a good thing... How will you know if you miss something/someone if there always right in front of your face...

You and your WH will need to understand what it means to maintain good boundaries in your relationship within and outside your marriage.

I think that your WH crossed the line with the OW and that probably started with flirting...'talking' that got out of hand. He didn't have your marriage protected by understanding and enforcing personal boundaries.

There is a book called 'Every Man's Battle' which addresses the problems men can get into with weak boundaries. The opposite sex friendships/flirtations can lead to a slippery slope only to repeat the problems you are having with your WH right not...next time it could be you.

Dr. Harley is very clear about married men and women not having close/intimate friendships with people of the opposite sex.

You can listen to Dr. Willard Harely and his wife Joyce on their radio program...a link on this site to listen online. 3 pm to 6 pm M-F CST.

I do not cross the boundaries, which is why I find it okay for me to talk with people. My H is a different story. He does not get that concept... I have always protected myself and my marriage when speaking with new people...

My H definitely crossed the line with Traci and I do not accept it and he knows that I don't. I have told my H that his "friendship" is threatening to me and to our marriage, but he will not, and I quote, "give up this friendship for the sake of our marriage." He has said this numerous times, and I am finished letting him cake eat... If he wants this friendship so badly, he can have it, but he will knowingly be betraying me and I will not live that way - not for anyone...

by doing this, I believe my H is asking me to compromise myself, and I am not going to do that - not any more...

You are right to take a stand against your WH putting his 'friendship' with Traci above your marriage. Hopefully, you will he will eventually decide that your marriage is more important than the 'friendship'.

sigh...Alison, when you left I really thought you got the concept of plan A down. It will not have instant results. It takes time and is a hero's gig as Bob Pure says. Alison part of plan A is changing YOU. Permanently. You become the better person. You fix the problems you brought into the M.

Alison,

For the sake of clarification - you keep calling this a "friendship". Sometimes you use quotes, other times you don't. He's having an affair. Sex with another person. You still realize that, right?

Yes Fluke - I realize it and I do not accept it. I will not sit here and pretend that I do. My H needs to realize that I mean it when I say I do not accept this and I won't be treated a certain way... I have not stood my ground as of yet. He thinks I am a weakling who NEEDS him. I am a strong woman who will not be treated with disrespect and my H really needs to see that.

At this point I believe all he has seen is that I will allow him to cake eat... No More...

Faithful - I am very sorry, but I have yet to be any good at Plan A - I do get it, but I feel that I just need to be strong and let my H know, by my actions, that I do not accept his behavior... He has a choice to make and I believe that cake eating isn't allowing him to have to choose...

{{Alison}}, I know as a BS that it feels like he has to "choose" but this is not a competition between you and the OW. It is about your H. It is about you making lasting changes in you that whether your marriage recovers or not will get you through life and any future R's. His A is not about you dear.

Now about flirting..please check out this broadcast and I think you will change your mind. Dangers of flirting

H said last night that he would not give a friendship (with anyone) for the sake of our marriage. He said he will not change.

I said I will also not change the fact that I do not accept your friendship with Traci.

I asked him where do we go from here - you know about our M...???

H said he could deal with my not liking their friendship and that he wil accept my anger about it, but I just have to deal with it if I wanted to be married to him...

So what kind of a marriage would that be??