And, if the tables were turned and it were you that has had this 'friendship' (A!) with another man he would just have to 'deal' with it....he'd be okay with this level of friendship? He'd be cool with you going to lunch all the time, spending recreational time with him, etc. etc.?

Doubt it.

Most marriage vows say 'forsake all others'. Maybe yours didn't. Is he, in effect, saying he wants an open marriage? (Or, a double standard?)

Since he is out of the house anyway, maybe it is time for a plan B, to protect the love you have for him and allow him to experience life with just Traci.

Well Trix - I agree with you. I don't think it is very fair of him to ask this of me... I don't want to choose who his friends are, but I told him that this friendsip is hurting me and it is hurting our M and that I don't accept it. He doesn't care who he is hurting...

I have lost a lot of respect for my H right now and I cannot believe he is behaving like this...

I think Plan B would be great if I were strong enough to do it...

He is full of his entitlement. I can understand how painful this is for you and also how difficult your decisions are as you try to deal with it all.

Post deleted by Cherished

We have a daughter who he sees every morning, and I can promise that it will be very difficult for me to do a plan B.

He would probably laugh at the letter and he would NEVER agree to NC with Traci.

I realize this is probably my best option, but how to go about it??? I feel too weak for it, I feel if I faulter, he will laugh at me.

It is very painful for me to know that he and Traci have already planned to have drinks some time this week. He just doesn't care about me or our M at all and he proves it continuosly...

I really need to get the confidence in myself to stand my ground and just say No - you will not come over for wine, No I will not take part in your betrayal of our family. I can talk the talk - but am having trouble walking the walk.

And he just assumes he is coming over and to be honest with all of you - I like it when he is here. 1. at least he is not with her. 2. I am not alone 3. conversation with someone other than a 10 month old...

I feel like if I can do it for 2 nights, then I may be okay, but I have only done 1 night without him here.

I am just very tired of feeling this way. It boggles my mind that a person can do this... A person who I used to hold in very high regard.

Post deleted by Cherished

Cherished - I have been to a lawyer and she gave us our legal separation, but stated that if I do anything else that my H may go to a lawyer as well and if he did, I would not get even half of what is in the separation agreement.

How can I do Plan B without seeming like a bit*h?? I have exposed to most, not her parents - I don't know who they are and I also have no pysical proof of the A... Plus - she is separated and can do whatever she likes...

Really feeling like I am between a rock and a hard place here. Could I even be this mans friend? Who needs enemies with friends like these, right?? I just can't do anything right. I want to fight for the M, but I have no energy. I want to "let him go" (plan B), but I have no strength.

Post deleted by Cherished

Alison,

Tell him that he may come over and pick up your daughter for his visitation on such and such day. He picks her up and leaves with her and brings her back at the specified time.

The only contact you will have with him is about the child.

Let him wonder what you are up to. You're calling the shots here, not him. He either needs to give up this friendship or the marriage. Point blank. It's an affair or he wouldn't mind giving it up.

My H has friends from college that are women. They've seen each other through divorces and such. They do not call each other all the time and meet for drinks!

Post deleted by Cherished

Thanks Cherished and Coachswife - you are both extremely correct and I am going to take a stand. I am going to make visitation more strict and I am going to take away the key to my house.

I will limit contact to Mia and business only and I think that should be through email.

My other IC (my friend who is a therapist) says that I need to give H a reality check, because while he is cake eating he has no reality of what life would be like without me in it.

If he prefers his life without me in it, then that is his choice, but I have to do this to save my love and to save myself...

It just scares me to have to become cold because that is how I am going to have to be and I am a very sweet lady, so going cold and dark will be very tough for me, but I am going to do it...

Any tips or advice on Plan B would be apprecited. I am scared about the mediator thing - is that a necessity?? I sort of feel like we are adults and should be able to handle contact (if any) reasonably... Is that naive of me??

The best advice you could get is to expose this adultery at work and let the chips fall where they may.

I agree that you need to expose the affair at the workplace.

This is your life you're fighting for and the life of your daughter- do not play games with that. He had no qualms about embarrassing you by having an A- have no qualms about putting it back on him.

Once you do that and set some rules for visitation, then you go dark.

Right now, he has it all. He has the OW on the side- meeting his sexual needs- while he still comes to your house to get the stokes he needs from you as well as assuring himself of what you're up to.

Also, get the key back. He doesn't live there anymore.

Having a really down day today. Just got off the phone with my mom cuz I had a meltdown and needed to vent. Told her some of the things my H has been saying to me and she now thinks he is cruel and emotionally abusing me and she hates him (yes se said hate)... She wants me also so stop seeing him and take myself out of a very emotionally abusive situation.

As for exposing at work, H or Traci will soon be getting promoted and I will wait until one does, because exposure after that will be more devestating. As it stands right now - there will be no reprocutions of their affair because they are equals in the company (also they are both separated) and they are also the top sales people - so neither would be "scolded" so to speak.

I am realizing that this man is just a bad bad person right now and that I cannot keep putting myself in situations with him where I continuously get hurt... Bad, gloomy day here. Wish the sun was out, maybe then I would feel better.

Alison, even if there would be no scolding or punishment at work, they still would have to suffer the embarrassment and the little "whispers" behind their backs! Being the "Hot Topic" at work, is not an easy thing to endure. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> The humiliation itself, would almost be worse than being demoted or terminated. They definately wouldn't be able to glow with pride! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I'm sorry for your pain, Alison. I know this bites, and feel for you. I'll continue to pray about this. Take Care...Jennifer

Spoke to H last night about how i can no longer be a part of his life if he chooses to be friends with TRaci. Told him that I can't continue to put myself trough all the emotional pain anymore... Told him we could have no contact unless about DD or financial issues and that should be done by email...

Anyway - he turned it around on me again and said that I am pointing the fingure at the wrong thing and the reason we are in this situation is not because of Trcai but because I won't allow him to be him self...

I told him I cannot live with the person that you have become. I told him that I need to move forward because the way he and I are living is not helping our marriage at all... I told him I am not his "buddy" and that we just can't "hang out" anymore...

I am just mad because he throws it all right back at me saying I tried to change him from day 1... and that tis is the reason we are separated, etc...

What does one say to a man like this???

Just wondering if you're still around, or at least lurking. Hope all is well for you.

Jennifer