Big congrats on doing the right thing. Mel's right on about the compassion and understanding. You did not do this to him.

Repeat--I did not do this to him. WH & OW did.

As far as CO...same method. You inform. You don't have to convince. Up to what the CO does or does not do. You doing your part is just that. Only that.

Please know this...you aren't the cause, control of cure of the A...the consequences exist. You just stopped getting in the way of them.

Good job, RC. Give yourself a treat today. You are brave and true.

LA

Post deleted by reallyconcerned

Ok OW had the nerve to call me and attempt to set me straight. I couldn't believe it. Why was I surprised. She has nerve. Said she didn't meddle in my buisness and I shouldn't have meddled in hers. Boy, she is humorous. Anyway I have contacted my WS's CO. Well will possible talk today.

Ack, you did it again.

Deleting posts. I feel lost and concerned when you do that. Like I'm missing stuff, or that you're wrestling something and kicking yourself. I dunno. Gives me hiccups and I hate hiccups.

ROFL...I'm sorry for laughing so hard--not at you, but OW. I have actual tears in my eyes from laughing.

"she didn't meddle in my buisness and I shouldn't have meddled in hers." Do you feel like Alice in Wonderland? Well, you aren't..she is...what a perspective. Ohmygosh.

Thank you for letting us know you've now done two incredibly difficult things in one day--and you talked to the dragon...okay, so technically the A is the dragon, but the OW sounds just as wacky and less real than one.

Is she green?

I wonder. I think I can see her scales from here.

RC? Remember you feeling lost and confused? Remind yourself of that statement, the one she made, and think...okay, I'm not THAT lost or confused. Pat yourself on the back and breathe. You're fantastic. And again, GREAT sense of humor.

Of course, she makes it easy.

From now on, don't answer her calls, or if you do, hang up. Write down the date and time she called, and if she does again...because that is harrassment. You owe her nothing. You do not have to listen, understand, comprehend or repeat. Hang up. Did you say back what she said to you early? "You'll have to take that up with your affair partner"... LOL

Oh, RC...you're being a heroine here. Thank you for sharing in your posts. And please, stop deleting them!!!! Think of it as a kindness to me.

LA

I'm sorry LA. I know you don't like it when I delete. I will try not to put anything in post that I will want to delete later.

I felt it had things in it that might be upsetting to OWH and I have referred him to come out here. He sounds like a good man but afraid and scared and feeling violated.

Much like I felt. He really wants to talk to my H bad. I'm glad he is in another country right now. about OW. Boy, she is green I think. lol ROFL laughing at your comment LA. It Really helped me make some humor of the situation.

Well I talked to my H's direct report (superior). I don't think it is his CO, but is the one responsible for him. He was kind and gentle. He thanked me for reporting to him first. Also told me that he has been through such a situation.

He asked me what I wanted him to do. I told him I wanted to reconcile my M. I would like for OW and WS to not talk
about our M or anything personal.

OW told me all this jazz about how my H told her this about me and she encouraged him to work on his M. Then in the same breath she told me I didn't have the right to dictate to her who is to be her friend (meaning my H).

It is funny, for things to be over, she sure has a lot of attitude. Maybe she is upset that I talked to her H. I know they both will be upset that I talked to their direct report (superior).

My H direct report (superior) agreed that they shoudln't be talking about personal anything only work. I told him also that I have expressed to her and my H that they are only to talk to about work and nothing more. Also explained to him that I have expressed to my H that I would like for us to attend counseling. His direct repost (superior) said he thought that was a good idea and will talk to him about attending with me. Said he will require it.

He also asked for proof of the A. Something I was leery to give over, but I gave it over anyway. He said that they have to work together however. Siad no way around that but he can keep an eye on what happens and ensure nothing more goes on because he doesn't condone it.

I want to post more. Have to come back later. Thanks so much LA for being here for me. It has been a challening day.

RC, better yet, he could help you save your marriage and seperate them completely. He won't be able to control what they talk about, not that would even help. Just SEEING each other, even from across the parking lot will make it impossible for the affair to end.


ROFL! We are not talking bright bulbs here, are we? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

LovingAnyway, you have done a spectacular job here. Most impressive! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Melodylane I amy be limited to the options of whether OW and spouse can be moved. SHe is do to go onto another assignment shortly. So I don't know what else there is to do.

Melodylane it felt like you were sort of speaking over my head. What does that mean that LA has done a spectacular job here, if I may ask?

Hey, Mel...RC did it herself. She IS impressive, and your kudos are worth much. Thank you.

RC--

"He thanked me for reporting to him first. Also told me that he has been through such a situation."

Now tell me...did that blow you away? Not anything like you expected? Wow. How come you didn't ask for what you needed when this amazing CO asked you what you needed?

You still can.

Mel said it plainly.

You were asked for what you needed...you can state it. No contact in any form...about anything, at anytime, anywhere. That doesn't mean you'll get it...please stop confusing saying what you want with the results you get. They are two different things. Free yourself.

I'm just dancing for ya, RC. And laughing, and a little crying, too. You faced two HUGE fears and a dragon. Yeah, quite a day. A day to remember.

AND with a cherry on top 'cuz you told OWH about this website and know his pain, accept it is his...and you were being careful for him. Now...why? You accept his pain is his...let go what isn't your domain--his feelings are his. Your posts are about you. If they refer to his WW, we won't know it. If we do, it will be in the past. You are only responsible for you, toots. And that's one powerful, amazing woman...believe you me!!!

LA

And thank you for having me here on your thread. I like what you've done with the place.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

She has done a super job of supporting and guiding you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Melodylane for the compliment and encouragement. Thanks for ledning a hand to help me being that I was resistant earlier.

Now WS is very angry with me., I haven't heard from him all day. I feel that Plan A may need to start. OW has told me that she talked to him on yesterday after I explained to him that contact isn't to take place. Also I would like for him to write NC letter and boundaries needs to be established.

I need help writing out a letter to him. Please help. Thanks.

Its me again LA. I've posted this to other thread also.

WS isn't speaking ot me. He is very angry. I knw it is best that I do not LB or make DJs. SHould I just keep my distance? I've been avoiding my tendency to just talk to him or try to get him to talk to me. We are like in quiet mode.

Oh and La, were you calling me one powerful lady earlier? Gosh, that feels good to read. Thanks.

RC, you are very strong and brave. You faced your fears and conquered them. Now, your H will be angry for a while because you have ruined all prospects of his affair. But this is a good thing that will lead to his withdrawal when the OW moves.

As far as talking to him, just let him come to you. He will be angry and may try to bait you into a fight, so don't fall for that. And most of all, don't let him GUILT you about exposing him. He will use that guilt as ammunition against you.

I do wonder if the CO would consider moving her or him if you asked? It wouldn't hurt to ask, right?

Agree with your idea of sending a nc letter, but he can't do no contact until they quit working together. You are doing great, RC! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

ML, thanks for the encouragement. Now is difficult and it really helps me. LA and ML I realize that it will be difficult now. I don't expect that WS will abide by any type of boundaries requiring him to NC. I would like to write him a letter addressing this. What do you think? I'm thinking about doing Plan A.

Also, after your (ML) write up yesterday, I thought about it and realized you had a point. I went back and asked his superior if they could be seperated. I haven't gotten a reply as of yet.

I need an understanding on what I'm working on now. WS is angry with me. He feels I tried to ruin his career. I want to explain to him this isn't my intent.

I'm needing help with writing a letter to him and telling him about boundaries that I would like him to adhere to and consequences.
ANother thing, OW told me something that he used to say about the first OW. She said, I can't tell her who to dictate to be her friend (meaning she will be my H's friend). My husband hasn't said this but he is acting this way. With the firt A when this happened it meant the A WAS by no means over. As a matter of fact it meant that they were trying to get closer.

Ok, I'm wondering how to handle this. Do I write my S a letter letting him know my boundaries and consequences of crossing them. I really would like for him to understand that with each step there are consequences. Thanks

RC, my opinion is that you lie low right now until this blows over and concentrate on busting them up. I don't think he will be receptive to reason right now.

When you do have a discussion, and I do think it should be a discussion rather than a letter because letters are not very intimate, I would simply tell him that his affair threatens his career and your marriage and you did what you needed to do to protect your marriage. Tell him that any contact with her is a threat to your marriage and that your marriage cannot recover with her in the picture. Ask him to end contact [ALL CONTACT] and send her a letter.

I would also make it clear that you are willing to forgive him if he ends contact with her.

Will he go to marriage counseling, RC? My concern is that this will just happen all over again if the issues that led to this are not resolved.

ML, I am concerned also about this happening again. His superior said that he will aid me in getting him to go to counseling. I have made an appointment. However I want to go alone the first week because I would like to find out if the counselor is traditional or if they can aid me in some of Dr Harley's concetps. What do you think about that?

How can the issues be resolved if he is ****** bent on getting me to feel guilty and having another A with her.

Also, we both have a friend who is much higher in rank. He has said that he would get him (WS) to work with him in another area. Do you think I should ask him to have my WS work with him. I would hate to tell him my personal business. What do you think? Yet I want to save my M. Lawdy, is all of this work!

I understand about your desire to write a letter, RC. I'm a letter person, too. My H isn't one for reading them, though. I'm with ML on this, also.

Why don't you write out your boundaries (they can't be his, right?) and the progressive consequences? Get them down for you, to look at and go over. Simple and direct. Don't give it to him. They're for you.

Great to know the CO will help with counseling. My son and his wife did a marriage weekend in the military and it included HNHNs...which I'd given them for a wedding present. They received a military coin for doing it, which was a treat, too.

Let me direct you to your need for issues to be resolved. There's a manipulative factor still going on in your mind as far as getting what you want in the way you want it. No room for God to bring something to you unexpectedly, huh?

Still working on your belief list? (You've got a lot of homework for a woman not in school, huh?) I say this, because when you get your belief that others are responsible for their actions, opinions, beliefs and feelings, then the issues aren't what they appear to be to you now.

His choice.

You may believe is wants and attempts to guilt you for informing. That's your belief. The beauty in respect is that once you KNOW he can't do it unless you believe you are guilty, then you let that go. Like allowing him to run into a wall over and over again...not a pretty sight, but his choice, see?

Listen and repeat. "You've ruined my career!"

"I hear you believe when I informed your CO about your A and continued contact, that I ruined your affair...I mean, career."

No argument...because you know that him choosing to have an A is what jeopardizes his career...and he knows that somewhere underneath his own huge guilt. Trust him more to know what he knows, 'k? Stop disrespecting that he doesn't know or he'd react or do things differently. There's the key.

As far as scoping out the counselor, your idea is fine. I'm going against it because of your control issue. See, I think you can really feel your power and get stronger in it without needing to direct your life so intensely, if you both go together and you can ask questions in your H's presence when you have them about what the counselor believes regarding Harley, marriage and relationships, etc. You can do this as information gathering, O&H, and show respect for what your H thinks about the counselor at the same time.

You are you, RC. You are doing a lot of work with very little trust in yourself or your choices. I understand. Been there and still get there once in awhile. Trust yourself more...if a friend who is in higher rank wants your WS to work with him in another area, say, "That's terrific." It is up to him to do it.

Key to letting go your need to get the results you want in the way you want them is to respond at the time with, "I would like for this to happen" kind of request. No argument for why, just stating your desire or opinion. Then let go the results.

I'm urging you only to do your part. No blame. You have a great mind, will, spirit and heart. Get to know that and know you're equal to everyone. God made you that way.

Respecting your H's anger right now will be key. "I hear you feel very angry." Every "You made" "You did" statement he makes, turn it into a respectful repeat..."I hear you feel embarrassed from your choice to have an A. I understand."

"I hear you believe you are keeping your promise of no contact though you see each other every day. I believe no contact includes not seeing her at all. I hear we have two different definitions of no contact."

Be compassionate in the face of anger. He is angry and you are not the cause, control or cure for his feelings. They are his.

I know I repeat...not because I don't believe you don't understand, but because reinforcing it to myself is part of why I post.

I read that you hate for others to know your personal business. There's the embarrassment (so your H suffering it right now is a trigger for you to feel it also), being laughed at, talked about...judged. Your fear is coming from your beliefs...that people are cruel, celebrate in another's misery, food for fodder, look for how they are better than others...because humans do that.

I choose to believe people are intrinsically good, fearful, wonderful, caring, empathetic (even accidentally), sharing a lot of my own wants, needs and desires, and on their own journey. That God made us equal--equally loved, benefited and wonderfully made by him. No judgments required. Everybody owns their own and it is when I try to own someone else's stuff that I am disrespectful to God and that person.

No stealing. It's a commandment. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You have a lot to show for your hard work...you are enforcing your boundaries right now..."If you have an affair, you choose to violate our vows, military code and another's marriage. I will choose to inform because I believe withholding truth is lying."

How do you feel, RC?

LA
Let's get to those beliefs, when you have time

Hi LA. I feel crazy. I really don't know all I need to. I know I feel the need to control. I just don't trust my life and so many decisions I've made. When I thought I knew what I was doing and it didn't work out. I feel confused about my husband.

I feel conflicted. I wish he was coming to recuse me from the hurt I feel. But he is doing the exact opposite, not talking to me. But then I feel weird that I expect this when I know it doesn't fit with how he is responding.

I have so many issues at hand. I don't want to trust to a MC to just talk to us. I don't want to respect my H's thoughts. His thoughts are what have us in this situation as it is. Of course, I know I have a part in it also. What if this persoon thinks we should divorce or tries to say I'm all wrong or he is all wrong.

I don't know. How come the issues are so clear with you LA> I would have to do so much more thinking thatn I want to right now to understand what you understand. I don't even trust my brain right now, plus I'm sleepy (was up late thinking about hubby). Oh for the easy life. Can I revert back to the days of having all my decisions made for me, playing outside in the beautiful sun, licking my ice cream cone and just being a kid? Guess not, huh.

Oh well I'm trying to see my way through. I have to go through the post and re-read. I need more focus.

OMGoodness LA. I became very angry after your previous post. I felt you were picking on me about me being controlling. I thought, "How else can I get what I want? So What, WS is a *&&^%*, H doesn't know what to do, He needs it! I'm controlling and I have to be!" I let myself go on a bit of a tyraid. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> OOOhh, there was a scary, mean girl coming out. Not that I'm schizophrenic or somehting, but I felt I had to hear myself, my thoughts.

After taking a moment to let myself rant a bit I realized that at the heart of my controlling is that small word with such big complications, FEAR. Oh My. My fear is that if WS is allowed to choose he won't choose me. This one brings up a tear or two. I think there is deep fear that I'm unworthy (as you've already touched on). There is a deep fear that I'm not enough, that OW is just perfect for him and I pale in comparison.

Before I could only see my self-rigtheousness. After your post I could get under that thick layer of malarky and see the real me or my real insecurity.

Anyway, I'm reading Dr Harley's Control Dependency and Identity. Just as you said, I've got a lot of homework to do for a girl not attending school. Oh well, might as well get out my pen and pad.

Thanks for pulling more truth out of me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />