Another huge, HUMUNGOUS {{{{{{{{RC}}}}}}}}

You are awesome. Completely awesome. You know how much I needed to hear what you felt and thought? Oh, thank you...and a two tears from me, too.

You said you got behind the feeling to the belief and found another feeling fueling that belief. Aren't you awesome! Self detective.

Wait, there's more! You owned that you could act scary and mean, too. That's just hitting out of the ballpark, RC. See, you have many things in you, and these two, which you can't normally abide, jumped up to be good to yourself, didn't they? Scary and mean aren't bad...they are for the purpose of your defense...and they usually come into play when you aren't defending yourself, primarily. Funny, huh? Not bad; parts of you ready to defend and protect...caused by fear.

What's not to love? You're entirely you...complete! The scary and mean girl went back to relaxing by the pool when you realized that fear was underneath the anger...the pain of helplessness...you got to the bottom and loved yourself anyway...owned parts of you, as necessary as the loving, kind, brave girls in you.

Wow.

Thank you for sharing...you handed me truth, toots. Just when I needed it the most (I imploded on Somebody76's thread and am now hanging my head a bit). Mind checking it for me with your great reality perception?

I'm needy.

Get over it.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

:::high fiving and doing a jig AT the same time:::

I celebrate you.

LA

Oh, now I see a your previous post.

Well, conflicted is good, I believe. Look where it got you...to a really great ephiphany about yourself. All done with those baby steps; and yes, you owned your inner child tired of all the adult crap and wanting that freedom to play again.

Why don't you? Take one hour and skip in a park. Laugh yourself silly over yourself. Eat an ice cream cone while laying off the end of your bed so that everything looks upside down...just to see if you can.

Hold that sweet little girl in your arms and tell her she's wonderful; that you'll always be there for her, and that she's lovable just as she is.

You could put on a poofy dress and spin around.

Flip your hair when you talk on the phone, or hold a strand to your mouth...what you used to do. Not all the time...consciously, to honor that troubled teen who was full of fear, too. You know better. Fear doesn't end your life...our inner kids don't know that. You do.

You do not have to "get it" perfectly, or right this minute to save your marriage. This is called working on it and you are working on it!!! Delighted to be here for ya.

Thank you,

LA

LA you are awesome also. Thank you for further expounding on my new truth. It helps me undertand on more levels and I so appreciate that.

THis all is big stuff for me.

I'm happy to accept and respect the little one on the inside that seems to want to come out at times. I think I often disregard that part of myself. BUt I'm growing to acknowledge it more.

I spoke to WS today. I missed hearing him talkt o me. He sounded a littel more soft. But it seemed a red flag went up and he rushed off the phone with me. i"ve only spoekn to him twice today. Goodness.

Also I spoke to OWH. We compared some notes. I'm wondering about keeping boundaries of respect when I'm talking to him and working together as an ally.

Thanks so much again.

I'm laughing, RC. You are so adorable. Look at what you're wondering...

"I'm wondering how to make him an ally."

You spoke with him and compared notes. You can't make someone an ally (you know this)...they choose to ally themselves with you or don't. I would say that you're informing and being informed.

There's on war, sweetie. You're respecting your WH's human right to be angry and distancing right now. Then you let yourself DJ a bit with a the red flag comment.

You are like halfway in a doorway, arencha? That's okay. Let's look at your power again.

You missed hearing him talk to you. Your EN for conversation means what to you? Where does the missing come in? I'm not saying this to cure you of it...but for you to own it.

You had an expectation of harshness and you perceived he was a little more soft. You did that.

Wait for him to come to you, deal with his own feelings, get his own thoughts thought. Be calm and caring and wait.

He knows you love him. He knows what he did was wrong. Give him a little space and time to cope with his own stuff.

When you allow yourself to think that the OW is perfect for him, stop yourself. That's not your judgment. That is a DJ to yourself and flushes your power. Stop.

She is a fantasy...they are easy, not real and nothing of who she really is--therefore, not love.

You are reality. You know your WH, warts and all, and love him anyway. He does you, too. I promise. Be safe in that love and choose to believe it.

Find your ENs and what they represent. Write your beliefs...even those of your little one inside...there are many. Share some of them as you go along.

Stay focused on you. Did OWH come to MB yet?

Thank you for your thank you. I am awesome, too. 'Cuz I'm here...but it takes two of us, right?

LA

La, I realized the way that I mentioned OWH being an ally wasn't appropiate. He isn't like an object that I can take over or manipulate to do this or that. I corrected it in my thinking once I realized what I was saying and on the page above.

When I spoke of WS I was saying that it seemed that a red flag went up. Was this wrong to say or bad to say? I was trying to express that after he sounded calm and soft, compared to how he sounded when I spoke to him the day before. However it seemed that he didn't want to allow himself to be ok to talk to me and he rushed off the phone.

I missed hearing him talk to me. I mean hearing his voice. Of late, when we talked it was nice and he called me more often than he had been. I felt wanted, I guess you could say. and maybe I felt that hearing from him would make me feel that we are ok or that he isn't angry with me.
However I accept that this isn't the way that he is choosing to act.

I am wondering how long might he hang on to his anger. It already seems like a while. Yet, I am respecting how he feels. Not trying to push him to talk to me.

I appreciate your saying for me to me to stop myself when I see the OW as perfect for him. And also for helping me to understand that it is a DJ to self. I hadn't thought of it that way. I just knew that I felt bad when I thought this way.

Thanks again LA.

P.S., I went to the thread you mentioned, Somebody 76 and couldn't find it. I'm going to look back at the post again.
You noted that you imploded. We are human. As I'm sure you would encourage me, Hang in there and don't be too hard on yourself.

You're a warm breeze on a chilly day, RC...thank you for your post. I know you knew about the DJ on the ally bit...what is interesting is how you can hear a belief you have hidden away when you write fast. They come out to play, quick at hand and heart. That's where I was going.

No bashing here.

I was referring to you reading your WS's tone, volume, soft/hard, etc. You've been doing this your whole life, reading, interpreting, concentrating...that's where I want you to attempt to let go, relax, only hear the words he speaks. Nothing else. Eventually, after getting well grounded and seperated from your enmeshement, a little of this comes back in...tiny shortcuts we do with intimacy a love. So I'm asking you to 180 from yourself...but eventually, 90.

Find out why you need to read signals in people...where's your payoff.

I know you miss his voice--attention is a primary EN for you (and me). Presence is attention, tone, connection...lots of stuff. I know. Find out how much you need and if your level of need changes when you begin to give yourself attention, loving tones, presence, appreciation, consideration...the works, 'k?

Let go wondering about duration, intensity or object of your H's anger. Describe for me how his manner alters...obviously, you've mentioned the less calls and not rushed but you feel take enjoyment of you. What else?

I'm gonna guess that your red flag system works against you, hon. You have these pop up signals when you're in trouble and they go back to your childhood....when Mommy or Daddy was angry with you.

They no longer protect you...and they never really did. They convinced you that by staying vigilant and perfect you'd be loved and safe. How true do you believe that now?

LA

LA and ML Ihave a quick question. While WS is still in the not talk to me mode, I'm wondering about marital relations. I seem to recall that Dr Harley says that when WSs are in withdrawal it is best to avoid each other.

My WS may be experiencing two things, a w/d and resentment toward for recent exposure. Is it best to steer clear of relations in the biblical way while this is going on or go with it, if you think it is ok.

Your choice, RC. My H's way to connect from his withdrawal was SF. Of course, due to his withdrawal and silent treatment, I didn't want to connect until we'd connected through conversation and O&H!

I'm not the one to advise! LOL

What does SF mean to you...what does it represent? Mine was acceptance...which played into the no SF because I felt rejection in his withdrawal. He felt rejection when I rejected SF. Terrible merry-go-round.

Pieta knows. ML probably knows. Me? Well, no withdrawal for a year makes me a slacker in that dept...And the more I accept H...the less he wants SF. We've got a new merry-go-round!

LA

LA, HIya. How are you doing?

Why do you want me to think so much? Sometimes I don't like to think, lol. Yet I know I can't grow if I don't.

Ok, SF for me represents, acceptance also and a feeling that he still has sexual attraction to me. I would like to have O&H conversation with WS also before doing anything.

Yet I don't like this longstanding quiet. And my WH usually doesn't initiate conversation so I think I would be waiting forever before he would say much.

My real fear is that if I were to talk to him he would go on a tyraid about how I hurt his career and so on and totally look over why I did what I did, disregarding how I feel.

Oh this is complicated again, LA.

ROFL...think so much...lol!! Ayup. I'm guilty of that, aren't I?

Okay, acceptance is it for you, too. Figures why you started craving, huh? Desire for you IS acceptance, right?

Did you get that book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship? Longstanding quiet...can be abusive. Read up and get to know all these..what you do and what he does.

You are choosing not to talk to him because of his response? Hmmm....sounds like the sweet little control freak we all know and love. Why would him saying all the reasons he's anger (if he is) hurt you? They are his opinions, his feelings and beliefs...that doesn't make them true, correct?

Do you believe yours are THE truth or your truth?

He won't be disregarding how you feel...when you ask him about how he feels, will he? You can choose to believe that about him, but how true is it...to ask for his truth and then feel discarded by it, when you asked him for his...for information?

Oh, RC...you make it complicated when you attempt to control.

LA

Post deleted by LLG

Laughing and crying at the same time, huh? Been there with you, felt that!!

Okay, stabbing at this again...

"his truth should be" Anytime you say or hear "should" "ought" "have to" you know there is someone's belief on the table and it may not be your own. If it is, then it only pertains to you and no one else. Know that what your WH should do is to his code, not yours.

You can't ask for someone's truth and then tell them that's not what you want to hear. You're very truthful with yourself...you aren't asking for that very reason...you don't want his truth at all, unless it is your way and matches your truth.

Now, switch roles and tell me how you feel...I don't want your truth, only tell me what you know I want to hear...oh, no! Have you been doing that? Ohmygosh...

No. I know you, RC. You haven't been lying to appease. And if you ask for someone's truth and tell them it isn't what you want to hear, then you're asking for lies. You'd rather participate in a fantasy than have reality sit in front of you.

Your choice.

I remember you saying you were reading that...I hadn't heard the title before. Wanted to thank you because I believe I need to pick that up myself.

You've got the tools at hand...you nailed with the dealing with your own fear...fear of hearing his truth (because you still buy into his beliefs too much...oh! how could you!)

When you learn his is his and yours is yours, and they are different, and respect that difference...well, you'll stop feeling so insecure. Remember...to act from feelings puts you in a loop...act from your beliefs (and change them as necessary) and your feelings will follow.

:::sharing my ibruprofen for your headache::: What? You think I only dish out headaches to you? I have a BIG bottle here.

LA

Post deleted by LLG

When your WH gets angry, I believe you believe you caused it. When your WH feels happy, same thing.

Tell it to me straight, darlin'.

Oh, wait...it's RC, of COURSE she will.

Love your honesty.

LA

Post deleted by LLG

Bingo!

I knew you knew, but didn't know just then...

Really look at this ownership...it takes away from you and from him. He believes his truth...respect that. Doesn't make it THE truth...THE truth is in our actions, not ourselves. Your truth is that you desire external validation, acceptance, appreciation and relief from owning his stuff and yours, also.

You only have control over the last part...feel relief from not being responsible for what you have no control over. Never did and never will. God didn't make us that way.

Need more Motrin?

LA

Post deleted by LLG

Isn't that what frogs say at night?

Uhm, no. I'm not familiar with REBT.

LA

Hey, I wanna be!

LA

Post deleted by LLG