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LLG=Living, Learning, Growing formerly reallyconcerned
Trying to stop fearing and start living
BS-35
WS-33
kids, yes
1 D-day 8/2003, 2nd D-day 1/2006
Current status:
Working in Plan A.
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Posts: 8,970
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This is exactly what I meant by facing your fear!!!
"I quickly dismiss it, the concern of how others might look at me if I am honest. But I dismiss it."
You see it, feel it, and be honest anyway. Way to go, seriously, with all my heart. Each tug, acknowledge and go on choosing your actions. See the authenticity? The ownership? That tickle of power that runs through your body? Okay, mine...but if I could touch your hand right now, you'd feel it!!
Open yourself up to the delight of it...the not hiding is how you shine...real you, no image in the way. Confirms you are marvelously made when you choose to shine, anyway.
Ahhh...I'm having a moment. See the two-way street better? It can look motherly, but it isn't even close. Another human getting back to their original freedom. Ahhh! I'm crying happy tears.
And the image you choose...tug at the shirt sleeve, shows how much your fear is reduced. Before, a clutch at the throat, right? You did that! You do this.
And yep...you got the allow things to go their way. You're getting it. Doin' the happy dance. Happy for you, happy for me...because yes, I was you and you were me...and we're owning ourselves and our lives. Wow.
LA
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 589
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LLG=Living, Learning, Growing formerly reallyconcerned
Trying to stop fearing and start living
BS-35
WS-33
kids, yes
1 D-day 8/2003, 2nd D-day 1/2006
Current status:
Working in Plan A.
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Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
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Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970 |
Ahhh...The Talk....
First...removing anger? Or stop yourself from displaying your anger inappropriately? Removal is fruitless; eliminating LBs is joyous.
Where is your anger coming from? Define it. Trace it. Then tell me about it.
"Even with first A I wasn't able to talk about this. Also when I tried to tell him what I feel we should do, he became so upset and I gave in to pacify him."
Here is your key. Before, you tried to tell him what "we" should do. This time, you are only informing him about you...just you. "I feel scared of SF with you because I don't believe you didn't have sex. After testing, I will know that STDs won't be transmitted to me. I look forward to SF with you--I feel accepted and chosen when you want to make love to me."
You're not cutting SF...you're choosing not to participate.
Own the past:
"When you chose to have an A before, I didn't stop my control freakness, know my power or my part in our marriage. Now I do. I didn't heal myself from it, nor honor my marriage because I didn't know then that I could."
It is your place to example the lessons you are learning.
"I do not trust you. I know half of it is my choice to trust, and yours to earn. I have faith I can choose to trust you again for my part. I respect that your part is only your choice. I didn't before. I thought I had to skim over to get over. I know better now. I am sorry I disrespected you."
Don't explain anything. He knows how it all works. Respect him more.
You stick to your thoughts, feelings and beliefs.
"I fear telling you my thoughts and feelings. I have looked at me through your eyes for a very long time. I am committed to not doing that anymore. I will share my thoughts and feelings with you, my husband, respectfully, now, because I am an open and honest person. My choice, not based on your response. I'm sorry for not knowing how destructive it was to react and not own my choice."
Any of this stimulating other stuff?
LA
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 589
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Posts: 589 |
LLG=Living, Learning, Growing formerly reallyconcerned
Trying to stop fearing and start living
BS-35
WS-33
kids, yes
1 D-day 8/2003, 2nd D-day 1/2006
Current status:
Working in Plan A.
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 589
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 589 |
I'm signing out, but LA I can't thank you enough. THanks again.
LLG=Living, Learning, Growing formerly reallyconcerned
Trying to stop fearing and start living
BS-35
WS-33
kids, yes
1 D-day 8/2003, 2nd D-day 1/2006
Current status:
Working in Plan A.
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Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
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Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970 |
This isn't just me handing you phrases...but perspective. Perspective is essential...they hand you your own words. Choose yours wisely. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Can you make anyone own anything? Can you make yourself own stuff? Tough to do, even when it is us, in our control, huh? Great that those residual feelings are present. Trace them to your belief. Frustration...a signal that you are not doing or thinking (or believing) something in yourself that you expect. What is it? Is it coming from looking at an outcome you can't predict? You are looking sneakily at the results you want, not at what you want to share? LA
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Have a marvelous Spring day, LLG.
LA
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 589 |
LLG=Living, Learning, Growing formerly reallyconcerned
Trying to stop fearing and start living
BS-35
WS-33
kids, yes
1 D-day 8/2003, 2nd D-day 1/2006
Current status:
Working in Plan A.
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 589
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 589 |
Post deleted by LLG
Last edited by LLG; 04/03/06 07:57 AM.
LLG=Living, Learning, Growing formerly reallyconcerned
Trying to stop fearing and start living
BS-35
WS-33
kids, yes
1 D-day 8/2003, 2nd D-day 1/2006
Current status:
Working in Plan A.
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 589
Member
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Member
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 589 |
Post deleted by LLG
Last edited by LLG; 04/03/06 01:49 PM.
LLG=Living, Learning, Growing formerly reallyconcerned
Trying to stop fearing and start living
BS-35
WS-33
kids, yes
1 D-day 8/2003, 2nd D-day 1/2006
Current status:
Working in Plan A.
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Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
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Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970 |
"I would like for him to know how I feel, my fears, my hurt and hope that maybe there can begin to be better communication and bonding between with some time and practice and patience."
You are choosing to share your feelings, fears and beliefs. You are doing so not to begin better communication, but because you choose to be intimate. You only have control over half the communication--your half. Same with bonding. You control all of your choice to practice and be patient.
Do me a favor? I quoted you...on two threads...today's posts. I think two. Yeah, I meant to attribute both to you. Too tired to remember. Anyway, will you read my post to Better_Than_Ever on her LovingAnyway thread?
And just that last one to Infernomatic "Can One Spouse Save a Marriage Part 1" which is under Other Topics...you inspired me.
And lastly, read McCracken's thread...when you have time. I forgot the thread name. LOL.
Tell me what you think. I've typed my fingers to numbness, I think.
You're are doing well, LLG. Here you are, inspiring me so much. Do me a favor? Don't say a word to WH about what he owns...don't point them out. Say what you own. He'll figure it out.
LA
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 589
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 589 |
LLG=Living, Learning, Growing formerly reallyconcerned
Trying to stop fearing and start living
BS-35
WS-33
kids, yes
1 D-day 8/2003, 2nd D-day 1/2006
Current status:
Working in Plan A.
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 589
Member
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 589 |
BTW, LA my df, how are youd doing today? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
LLG=Living, Learning, Growing formerly reallyconcerned
Trying to stop fearing and start living
BS-35
WS-33
kids, yes
1 D-day 8/2003, 2nd D-day 1/2006
Current status:
Working in Plan A.
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Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
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Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970 |
I'm feeling great, LLG. How are you? I love the df!!! Took me a minute. I'm slow. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> LA
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 589
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 589 |
LLG=Living, Learning, Growing formerly reallyconcerned
Trying to stop fearing and start living
BS-35
WS-33
kids, yes
1 D-day 8/2003, 2nd D-day 1/2006
Current status:
Working in Plan A.
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Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
Member
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Member
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970 |
Uhm, ownership is. First thing to do before setting boundaries, well, formal ones.
What do you own? Your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, limits, talents (more stuff...he lists them).
What do you think H owns?
LA
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Posts: 589
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Post deleted by LLG
Last edited by LLG; 04/05/06 11:07 AM.
LLG=Living, Learning, Growing formerly reallyconcerned
Trying to stop fearing and start living
BS-35
WS-33
kids, yes
1 D-day 8/2003, 2nd D-day 1/2006
Current status:
Working in Plan A.
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 589
Member
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Member
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 589 |
LLG=Living, Learning, Growing formerly reallyconcerned
Trying to stop fearing and start living
BS-35
WS-33
kids, yes
1 D-day 8/2003, 2nd D-day 1/2006
Current status:
Working in Plan A.
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Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
Member
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Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970 |
Got busy, LLG...trust me enough to tell you if I'm angry, 'k? I'm not. You did me a huge, marvelous turn by asking about the archives. I hadn't thought of posting the question...I wanted to find my old posts! You did it! Thank you! I have the links if you want them now. I think we have a definition problem here: "I have a concern about choosing to be intimate with H now. It feels a little like a DJ to me, I mean to say to choose to be intimate with him when I have other concerns. While I want to choose to be intimate with my H. Now isn't the time. At this point I would like to explain to him how I feel. This is something I had a problem verbalizing before and now." Okay, reread what you wrote with my definition of intimacy...which is being open and honest about your thoughts, feelings and beliefs. Are you giggling? I did. I was thrown for a loop. O&H IS intimacy. Were you thinking SF? Maybe not giggling, given the tone of your post. Okay...read mine...feel better...control freak to control freak: My first thread on MB I missed your post until your last one. I was working on Infernomatic's all morning and yours must have travelled by while I had his up...I did some work today for a change. Thank you for the bump. I posted all over MB town last night...this morning, it was Adrian and Infernomatic...I didn't finish his until 10:55am my time. My post time isn't the right one. I've set it to Mtn time in my profile, but it is always an hour off. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Believe me, I look for you. I missed WAT's and BTE's posts because I'm busy looking for your name on the right...not the thread titles on the left. I don't want to answer your post other than clearing up the intimacy definition. I want you to answer mine first. My questions in my SHORT post. I'm emphasizing short because it's RARE. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> LA
Last edited by LovingAnyway; 04/05/06 06:42 PM.
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