Post deleted by LLG

Post deleted by LLG

LLG,

You are really getting this: "No, I was thinking being emotionally close to him, like emotionally bonded. I don't feel we are at a place where we are close." The way to bond is to be O&H, creating intimacy by your choices. That is why you don't feel bonded...means being safe, believing you're safe, and you guys aren't there yet. You will be.

Better and truer than ever before.

Scout's honor.

Time for a Listen and Repeat lesson:

"I'm wound tight as a drum or however the saying goes. WS said to me today that I act as if everything is supect about him. Only b/c he isn't totally transparent."

"I believe you are suspect of everything I do or say."

"I hear you feel I suspect you of contact, of another A, in my attitude, body language and words, is that correct?"

He clarifies or confirms.

"I can understand you feeling that way. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. I have been feeling very suspicious of you. I thought I was coaching myself through my own fear when you let me look through your gym bag, and at your cell phone. It was a love deposit in my bank because I chose to believe you were being tolerant in your O&H. Now, without that, I feel unsure. I haven't healed, don't believe there is no contact since you are still working together until May. I was too fearful to ask you for more of that...allowing me to look at your transparency so that I could soothe my own fears, prove them groundless. I just need to do this for a little while, not forever. I'm hoping I will begin choosing to trust you more in May."

Oh, I am giggling again. Your spirit tickles me. I feel like saying, "You had SF! You had SF!" with a conga-line dance step. Hey, I'm envious. Look, I'm not the one to ask about boundaries in SF. Your H or WH has a passion for you. That's a bad thing? Doesn't cross your boundaries...you chose to have it with him. Yippee! Can't you have a safe place that symbolizes you love him, accept him (his being), and that you're in this together? Like a dmonstration of faith--we'll get through this?

Withholding sex is a weapon I used, boundaries or not...not where I draw the line. I still am upside down in that area. I want to make it what I just said for you to see it as...haven't gotten there. It's a goal.

Hey, issues can be discussed, your hearts can be told and understood...there's time...SF is like doing that without words when you need it the most.

Ease up on yourself. You're angry at you for not already being perfect...perfectly respectful and loving in a brilliant way.

You're brilliant, LLG. Know it. Stop with the expectations already!

(Btw...you didn't answer my questions in the ownership SHORT post)

LA

Post deleted by LLG

Yeah, hands off, LLG...

When you truly get you can't make or be made, you'll get there. Being safe first is how I did it. The rest took care of itself (insert himself, if you want).

Glad to find you in the same boat on SF as me...it was lonely.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

We'll get there.

Now, row!

LA

Post deleted by LLG

Post deleted by LLG

Post deleted by LLG

Well, deja vu time...

I wrote you a post that took an hour yesterday at work. I answer all three posts and shared my experience of using honesty as a weapon for selfish demands.

It was a great post.

When I hit submit...it said I was replying to a post you deleted. What? What?? Then I typed ARRRRRRGGGHHHHHHH and it submit...and it said MB was down for annual repair.

LOL

:::::

I can prove it! I'm still answering the question you took out of your last post and you can't stop me.

When I get a lot of work done.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

Post deleted by LLG

Your question was not a DJ at all...Honest questions, toots.

And essentially, I wrote out a little history and our promise to always be honest...and covered up my acts with honesty. Hence, crushing pain into another human being in the name of honesty.

Now I forgot the question.

LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I'm delighted you shared the post with WH...in exchange, how about telling me how that went?

And THAT is O&H, in action, LLG.

DJ's are really, really difficult to get, LLG. Especially when you've heard them when you were a child, through the media, other friends...in books, everywhere. This isn't easy.

Don't make a promise not to--tell me if when I point them out you are focusing on being "wrong" or understanding what they are?

Stop thinking you're wrong or bad!!! (frustrated) That's WRONG AND BAD!

Had to inject a little humor there. You know what I mean. No judgment was our goal...DJ's are judgments, so if you just get the judgment part down, the DJ's will go, too.

So there.

Instead of calling this a DJ, let's call it you being dishonest. "He ignored my email." Do you mean he ignored your email, or that he didn't respond to it?

I should read the whole paragraph, huh?

"I assumed that he did b/c he was unresponsive. So how do I take his unresponsiveness?"

Now...you did two things disrespectfully here...to him AND yourself...first, you assumed. No assumptions or mindreading of people. You can for animals, inanimate objects and weather, 'k? Reserve that for those. In order to assume or mindread, you have to step into another person, and that's their territory, 'k?

Second thing...you said "how do I take." We take offense, license and money. Not good things, you think? You sent an email to share with your WH. What was your intent? What was your expectation? That will tell you how you "took" him not responding. Your response inside is more important than his response, I can tell you!

Do you know that after the site went down, I thought about you? I had no way of telling you I was posting to you. I nearly roared. That tells me I feel fearful of you believing I'm ignoring you, putting you last to everyone else on the board. I don't. I work my way down the list, and kept looking for yours tonight. I am led by God, and I'm afraid I'm allowing your feelings and fears to divert me. His order, not mine. What is, is. I go. I prayed for you last night, wondered, too...went to bed early to post to you in the morning. And I did. There you were. A lot of what I choose to do comes this way...being led. It isn't perfect and has no judgment of my own.

I trust God to lead me. I trust you to know that I won't leave you hanging...may not be when you want it, but when you need it. I have to trust him for timing and words. He doesn't fail...even when I begin to believe, once again, I do.

See you tomorrow...and we'll continue, 'k?

LA

Post deleted by LLG

Post deleted by LLG

Good afternoon, LLG,

Thank you for working out the expectation to resentment scenario. Tell yourself you are getting this, because you are.

"I've been hesitant and angry. Feeling let down, so I haven't been doing as well as I felt I could. So I've decided to try to concentrate a little better."

Let's look at hesitant...what is the emotion behind that one? Same for angry? Both seem to have the same source. Then, let's trace it to the belief they come from.

This does take some concentration--more than that, awareness. I found it very difficult to stay aware of myself. Sounded easy to me. It wasn't. How 'bout you?

Back to the separate and equal...you can attempt to tug or push, but that's not what I was talking about. I still choose and know my choice. So do you. I think I was sharing with you to show you I have that same fragility in me that is in you. In many ways, we are a lot a like. I believe it is great to know whatever I can about myself. Still takes my bravery to state it when I feel it. Not a huge problem...just being aware this is what I'm feeling.

And being a lot a like, I do feel your pain in your struggle...even as I rejoice you are struggling! I do, LLG...you are changing and that is the best struggle there is...the one inside you. Seeing where your pain is coming from (like you did with expectations and entitlement) is exactly what I'm here to show you. I do that instant by instant, which is not about succeeding or failing...its about awareness of those sneaky, life long beliefs in us.

No apologies, LLG, for being you. For wanting what you want...just see the way your own desires of others (including me) turn into expectations in a blink and become a point of pain for you. I see your trust has vanished in people...and I remember that really well, in me, too, when I became aware of all my attention focused on my WH.

I get it. No judgment. No sorries needed or desired.

Can you see how you'll continue to judge yourself and others until you let go of it? There is no security in marking, measuring and calculating responses from us...no protection. Trust this.

Choose to trust, anyway. Trust that humans are and they will be, separate and equal. Only then will you be able to trust them to be there by choice, which will allow you to feel their love fully. Presence matters.

I'm here.

LA

Post deleted by LLG

Oh, you're getting there, LLG!

"I mean and where in the world is my self-protection?"

Ooohhhaaahhhh...where is it? Where is it in humans to protect themselves from...what? Tell me what. Go there.

" B/C they feel wrong. And I'm choosing to blindly trust my H (I'm cringing at this one.) BTW, LA, I told him I felt I was in the dark trying to trust him again. So far he hasn't come forth with a flashlight, not even a candle, lol."

Why on earth would I ask you to blindly choose anything? Your trust is precious, more precious to you than happiness, I think. It is you examining that you hold trust so closely I'm after. Not the result. How do I get you to let go of the results? Hmmm.

"It seems to me like a person who has been violated trusting the violater, similar to a rape victim trusting their rapist." Wow. All humans on the planet violate in one way or the other. Usually, blindly. You do it without knowing it. Would it make more sense to trust that humans do damage? Would choosing to trust that they do be more reasonable than they won't?

"Frustration that he will not willingly come to me to show me he is different." Why is your well being in his hands? Why is it dependent on HIM changing and not you?

"And fear of being taken for granted. And my previous yet current, belief system is that my H deserves to get something for what he has done." Okay...fear of being used...tell me about that. In your belief system, humans can be used against their will. Not in mine. I see choice at every moment. How's your belief system working for you?

Deserves isn't in my vocabulary. God didn't say, "I made you, now I deserved to be loved and honored by you." He could have, and it would have been reasonable given your belief...yet he didn't. Why? Because had he, would he have trusted that love and honor? Or would it hold half the value of free will and choice? He risked the pain of being not chosen...and did it anyway.

Why?

And why are you defining his results? You have no idea what consequences he has inside himself, at his work, in his mind, heart or body, even. You don't know. Why choose to DJ? Your payoff in DJs is power...rightness...not being a victim of, but a judge with the power to assign it. This payoff pales, please believe me, in comparison to living freely instead of judging right.

"Fear that I will begin to like him again and find out he is the still acting in the person of a snake (adulterous, cold hearted, blooded, evil)." This is your fear and you are CHOOSING to like him again or not...to fixate on him instead of yourself...choosing to do something that has NOTHING to do with you. There...is where your fear plunges you. If his A is all about him and not anything to do with you...then where is your control? How can you ever trust?

As for concentration...skip it. Let it go. Stay aware and present. Listen and repeat. Just be, LLG. You are a human being, not a human doing. We all are.

I'm beginning to suspect that you are looking for me to confirm you are hopeless, out of control, helpless...that you want me to point out all your bad so you can eradicate it and be righteously good. What do you think?

"However I have felt that I've been trying to seek your help too much, or seeing you as my Ultimate helper instead of at times better helping myself."

This is important to your whole life, LLG. Stop right here and look at this...trying to seek your help too much. You have the belief that others can change you, is that correct? You do not believe that you are seeking help on your own, for you? Until you get that you can only help yourself...really believe that no matter what anyone else says, because you choose who you allow to influence you, then you will remain an "it" to yourself, not owning your self, but seeing you through the corner of your eye, gaging, judging and deeming lovable or not. Acceptable of not.

"Am I taking ownership of what you shared b/c I replied this way?" Yeah...you were in essence saying you can tug on me and make me post to you when I don't want to--out of pity or obligation. By doing so, you erase my choice, my power to post to you--and in choosing this perspective, halve the value and love of my words as gifts they are to you, that you do not have the power (no matter the manipulation) to give you. I choose.

I choose a lot of 'em, don't I!

LOL

LA

Post deleted by LLG

"There are measures I can take that would as best as possible equate to Protecting myself.

Choosing to dv my H is an option." How would that protect you from pain, the pain you are giving yourself?

"Improving on my thought life so as to think in ways the are less destructive and more healthy. Learning to shoot a gun. Learning to be more assertive. Learning a martial art."

And you can't do this because you're married?

"There is no guaranteed method that I have that can ensure full protection, but there are measures I can take measure sthat range from physical protection to mental protection emotional and so on."

This belief...that you must stop others from hurting you, and allow yourself with this same belief to crush yourself...LLG...there is no protection from pain. Some of it happens...the pain from your own expectations will continue, grow more, be fed until your fear is consuming you. Which will make you want to control others more and more which consumes them. This is an endless snake eating itself. We don't cure fear...we have it and don't choose to act from it.

"To protect myself as best I can from unfaithful H (and potentional mates in the future) by eliminating needy (too dependent) thinking that has me in this situation."

So you can cause someone to be unfaithful and cure them of it by changing you?

"To protect me from violators by learning how to shoot them in certain scenarios. To protect me from vaious things, cituations." Your fear is already so big, you believe you will be attacked physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually? Do I have that correct?

I have never fired a gun, and I do not fear attack. I don't lock my doors. I live in a huge city. I don't know self defense...I choose to believe God is in everything...even an attack, and I do not fear one.

I remember being paralyzed with fear, though, in this very way.

I kicked myself for each time I was attacked because I didn't protect myself...then I choose to believe differently. I began to see where many times, I wasn't attacked...it was me DJing, myself and others.

"LA, I don't understand. I feel really hurt and I have no way to really feel better until my H tries to win my trust." This isn't ownership, this is blame. You are blaming your WH for your pain. He caused it and now he's the cure.

Own your own darn feelings, LLG. They are yours. Trace them to YOUR beliefs that are causing them. They are not his. Stop it.

No wonder you fear so powerfully and believe yourself a victim of life. No power. No control. You are dripping in choices, knowledge, power and control of yourself and you refuse to acknowledge it, to be anything other than a victim. Choose a different perspective. Stop DJing yourself.

"it is about my feeling he doesn't value me but not even making actions that show that he cares." It is about your BELIEF that he doesn't value you that gives you the belief you are of no value. Stop believing that. Choose to believe you have as much value and worth as everyone on the Earth. You do. God made you that way. Stop making your WH your god. God is ticked. You are violating the first commandment. You are choosing to violate it and he's really mad.

Until you focus back on yourself, showing YOU that you care about you, value you, know your worth, then no one can show you they care. No One. Won't get through. You are abandoning yourself...no one is making you do that. Self hurts.

Stop looking for the cure in your FWH (I'm now giving that to him, early, because of your choices.) He can go forty more years without choosing to betray you, and in all that time, you will choose not to feel safe, loved or cared for. That isn't within his control.

Your FWH wanting time with you is a DJ? That is a request of attention, presence...a act of love.

LA

Post deleted by LLG

I was just thinking of you! I will reply to you in awhile...have to visit middle son and see his new digs. I was thinking of you because I just went and posted my history on 2BNormal's thread...take a look. You might not want to post to me.

I'll be back to see you today, 'k?

LA