"if I let it go it makes it ok"
Letting go, forgetting it, forgiving it, or even celebrating it...WILL NEVER MAKE AN AFFAIR OKAY.
Nothing can do that. It's done. It's fact. That is reality.
Sit with that a minute and see if it changes anything in your fear. If it doesn't, then what you are really saying is that if it is forgotten for a minute, forgiven or let go then you fear it will happen again. With that fear, then, what you may feel is the need for punishment to create justice. Is that closer to your fear? If there is punishment, then it won't happen again?
Hey, this isn't an unreasonable fear. Just know why you feel what you feel and fear what you fear, right?
About your pain level...
"and I want him to be thinking of me all the time"
"I just want him to comfort me all the time"
Again, you are great with honesty and expressing what you're feeling. You're not inhibited by what I or others may think. This is a gift. Doesn't pertain to your pain level, but I had to say it again.
The two statements I quoted above, do they wound reasonable or wishful? If they are wishful, then why are you wishing them...how would that feed you (go into the fantasy of all the time and feel how it feels with that constant need being fed by constant attention)? Identifying this need...that he values you above himself? Would sacrifice anything to make it right, stop your pain, take your pain into him? What? It is important and I know I can count on you saying exactly how you feel.
"Its so hard unlike anything I have ever known."
Here is more specifically about the pain level...you are not only feeling the betrayal of your H (pain comes from the expectation of protection being failed drastically, loyalty, truth and all that good stuff being trashed), but from your core hurts in childhood. Each time you've experienced something like this betrayal...a promise broken, a belief shattered...you are experiencing them cumulatively right now. Not just the present knowledge, but all the others jumping on its back. That's why this pain feels so doubley stunning.
Good news...you can lower your pain level immediately with your adult reasoning mind. You can seperate each of the incidences in your life and look at them one by one, feel the pain, bless the child who felt it, and change your expectation/belief to be more reasonable.
There is a great poster on this site, star*fish..she talks about core hurts much better than I can. I was stunned too, at how much this hurt--worse than the death of my parent, grandparent, best friend, etc. I couldn't understand it until I realized that I was grieving my H like I was grieving my mother--hey, death can feel like betrayal to a child...see the unreasonable belief in there? Fairly formed but so off base?
Your H did something awful and something wonderful. He's human. There is a geniune appropriate pain. What I'm hoping for is that you will show the same careful consideration that he finally did when he told of his A. The only way this terrible beauty gets seen is both of you changing your beliefs and actions. The event of an A doesn't get you there--your response does.
"he gets frustrated and short with me which leads me to the "you are the one that created this mess buddy" attitude." Oh, HF...you little rascal. "which leads me to"...so he made you do it? Made you pull the guilt card? You're really cute. And smart. And berry berry sneaky. Let's put choices back into both of your adult hands. Your H choose to show his frustration and be disrespectful of you rather than stating his thoughts and feelings. That's his thing. But you? You shared your feelings because you wanted something from him and when he didn't provide it, you manipulated him with guilt. For a gorgeous woman, you're a little dangerous, aren't ya?
Once you examine what it is that all-the-time attention and comfort can cure in you, you'll see where coming from your integrity and not manipulation will be your saving grace.
Uhm...if you've invited him here, do you think you could edit your thread title, please? You already learned that lesson, right?
LA
