I was due to visit his family the week after it happened and needless to say, I don't think he wanted to open this can of worms before I arrived. In addition, I had several ongoing projects that were very important and the stress of his confession (as he says) would have prevented me from performing well. Unfortunately, it all came out right before the most important week and I failed miserably because of the symptoms of the STD that came out and the inevitable confrontation. He was going to tell me but wanted to wait until things got to a less stressful point for me.

And like I said before, he was ignorant enough to think that he couldn't have contracted anything from her because a)he thought that he wasn't having sex with her long enough to expose himself and b)unfortunate also that he thought so but he thought that because he didn't "finish" he wouldn't catch anything. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Good God.... the irony of the situation. Earlier in the year, I took a course in epidemiology and I even versed him on the dangers of contracting STDs while using condoms.. e.g. no such thing as "Safe" sex only "Safer" sex - I have been so stringent and careful about this <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> He didn't listen to me because he probably thought that he wouldn't ever be in a situation where those measures needed to be exercised... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

he has never done this to anyone in the past

That he has admitted to anyway.

The truth is that you don't have to make excuses or reasons to stay with him. If that is what you want and it is enough for you, then simply stay with him.

IMHO, the only thing he is remorseful about is getting caught because of the STD.

"And like I said before, he was ignorant enough to think that he couldn't have contracted anything from her because a)he thought that he wasn't having sex with her long enough to expose himself and b)unfortunate also that he thought so but he thought that because he didn't "finish" he wouldn't catch anything."

Huh??????

Please reread this and tell us if you REALLY think he is that stupid.

I know <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> grasping at straws....

I suggest that you get some counseling. This is your second relationship that is turning bad. You are making excuses for him. It would be helpful to see why this keeps happening to you.

You may want to get married and have a family one of these days, and I want to make sure that you are making healthy choices.

I think the reason why this keeps on happening to me is that I just make it so easy to date me. It may also be that I fall for the wrong guys - the ones that are more interested in having fun than anything else, and before I know it a relationship just happens.

My thought about this is that while I receive a lot of attention from men in general, I choose who I want to date and that's it. There really isn't a wooing period, as such. Meaning that it was unnecessary for them to be anything but themselves for me to date them. Yes, there are dates, but nothing more than necessary. Sharing our lives and living it together was enough. I didn't need to be bought.

I have been the aggressor in both long term relationships. I am the one who took the initiative and while that may be true, I was not the one who suggested exclusivity. I do not make it a big effort for these guys to date me. I think that it may be my perspective that "They're only after one thing" that leads to my wanting to be the one who chooses who gets me. I just don't know how to play the game because there obviously is one.

I suppose that men need to feel like they've won something after a long chase and not just that they were chosen as a trophy. In general though, because I am insecure, the men in my life have been insecure also - because I felt I could relate. Does that make any sense?

You are right - you are making excuses for him.
Anyhow..........your life, your decision to make. Please do not blame him or anyone else if you choose to stay and somewhere down the road he does it again.

ps see my sig.

Mu5e,

Please take the following as an observation (MHO) and not a criticism.

In many of your posts, you seem to place some real importance in "appearance", i.e. being attractive to men.

I think it takes real maturity to reach the point in life where the ability to attract attention loses much of the importance it had in our younger days.

WS, more often than not, end up with OP who are much less attractive than their BS.

In my sitch, the OW was dumpy, overweight, unkempt and generally unattractive. The following is an excerpt from the NC letter my FWH sent her:

Who, on the other hand, has always been a staunch ally, and was much more professionally supportive of me even when you and I were involved than you ever were. It has never hurt, either, that—unlike you—she is slim, cute, considerate, attractive, presentable, professionally competent, employed, and so many other things. Far from being ashamed of her, I have always been very proud to introduce her to people, especially those I care about. Perhaps that is why you have clearly resented her since the first time you met, and why you seem to have been as obsessed with her as you have with me. She, on the other hand, has never borne you any malice—or, for that matter, thought much of you at all.

All of this, and he still had an affair with OW. I never questioned his long distance friendship with her because I knew how unattractive she was. Big mistake.

This isn't about looks.

Who

He had a one night stand with someone who is the exact opposite of me in regards to appearance and ethnicity. (As did my ex-H - repeatedly had EMAs with women who had the same characteristics.. it's like I have some sort of bad karma in regards to this particular group of women) It is only normal that I question my attractiveness if the men in each of the LTRs I've had betray me by involving themselves with women who possess these physical characteristics <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> IMO, it can't be chance if it happens over and over again... Do I sound crazy??? I don't know what to think!!!

Betrayal and a deep betrayal that it is from him, my thoughts are that his primary motivation was sex. (Which I also have an insecurity with now) I was hoping not to concentrate on the appearances issue. In addition to the weird pattern that I just talked about, please also understand that it has always been an issue with me since I do not think that I am terribly beautiful. This insecurity was further exacerbated by his wretched behavior and I was trying to give myself a little ego boost by stating the actions of the opposite sex around me.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> or at least trying to make myself believe that I am attractive without having to resort to causing further damage to myself by getting attention in all the wrong ways.

I do know that beauty and youth are fleeting, which is why I've always made it a point to further myself intellectually and professionally. I am completing a molecular biology degree right now and have a fantastic job. I do have to admit that I am lacking in the "working on me" area... though I do not let that get in the way of my relationship with family and friends. My ethos has always been to treat everyone you meet the way you'd like to be treated. However, I have a tendency not to take care of myself before taking care of someone else... it is a fatal flaw that I know I have to work on.

I know that it isn't about looks... but can't help but feel like less of a person because of what he's done. (Bad thing to do, again - I know this is the wrong thought process to have) Though one point I'd like to make is that your insecurities have a way of magnifying themselves in situations like this, at least with me.. my strengths were always my strengths and I've always relied on them so much that it is like breathing.. However, my insecurities are my weaknesses and I've always felt a little incomplete because of them. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say

Apart from all my ranting and raving....

I want to thank you all for lending your ear and providing your kind words and support to me. I can only hope to recover soon enough from this so I can return the favor.

"IMO, it can't be chance if it happens over and over again..."

You've got this one right. It took me years to figure out that I had something to do with the fact that I attracted guys who kept doing the same bad things to me. For a long time, I just figured it was bad luck.

If you do some self-examination and counseling you will figure out what you are doing that lets this kind of thing happen.

"I do have to admit that I am lacking in the "working on me" area... though I do not let that get in the way of my relationship with family and friends. My ethos has always been to treat everyone you meet the way you'd like to be treated. However, I have a tendency not to take care of myself before taking care of someone else... it is a fatal flaw that I know I have to work on."

I have a theory that we kill our relationships with one another BECAUSE of the golden rule. Think about it. If you treat others the way you want to be treated, and they don't treat you the way you want to be treated...then who is wrong?

If you treat others better than you treat yourself, then what does your self think it is worth?

If you live externally and find your worth through the eyes of others, then what are you being blind to?

LA

Interesting that my FWH, who never comments on the attractiveness of other women in my presence, evidently did so repeatedly when with OW. More interesting is that in every instance, the women he found attractive, all resembled me. He didn't even realize that until OW angrily pointed it out to him.

But even then, he WAS in a hotel room with OW at the time. He readily admits that he never found OW physically attractive and that he was even a bit embarrassed to be seen in public with her.

But what he did like was her constant praises and attentiveness. Dispite how wonderful she thought he was, she soon began to attempt to change him....it scared the H*LL out of him.

Who