Remember that WH came home last Wed and announced that he had a broken heart !!! And it seemed that he was in very serious withdraw all weekend.

He called this morning whistling !!! Just as happy as a clam. Well that only tells me that he has contacted her again and made up --- again.

I told him I was glad that he sounded so happy. Trying to get something out of him, and he said that he only wanted to go LOOK for a truck last week, he didn't really want to buy one quite just yet. Yea, right he was a freaking maniac over me not going !!

I asked him if I could ask him a serious question since he was in such a good mood and I asked him on a scale of 1 - 100 what percent was he committed to our marriage, and he said 101. Then he asked me the same question, usually he could care less and I paused, which BTW he did not, and finally said sheepishly 100.

I know that I sound like a broken record and if you do the same things, you will get the same results. How can I get this to end ??? Just when I thought he had ended it, back to square one, which of course I am not surprised.

Made an appt. with Steve but soonest I could get in is next Tuesday, Feb 14. Should know more by then.

The very hardest part of all this is that we can not address it at all because he just will NOT admit it. And as much as I have tried, I can not come up with concrete evidence to back me up.

Thanks so much for listening and comments.

Carnation

Does it come as a surprise to anyone here that when talking on the phone with my WH the sound of his voice disgusts me ??

It is so obvious to me that now he is so cheerful after being so forlorn and depressed last weekend that they have made up.

I can not go on not knowing. I hope I can hang in there until I talk with Steve next Tues.

This morning when WH called I listened for a while and in the middle of one of his sentences... I just said... WH, I have to go... I will call you back later... and hung up.

Let him think about this for awile. I just could not keep up a pleasant conversation at all.

Thanks for listening... again.

Carnation

No, no surprise. It's actually good that the sound of his voice disgusts you. Sounds like detachment and self-protection. His is the voice of the alien.

Thanks for replying Bell.

Yea !!! I am finally making some progress here..

Have you read this entire thread ?? Please do and let me know your take on this. I see you have been here for a while. And I do need all the advice I can get.

This man just will not admit to a friggin thing - sober. Drunk the truth slips out, and I need more.. much more.

Thank you so very much for reading and responding.

Carnation

I just got off the phone with my best friend in RL. She gave me about an hour lecture. I told her I had a appt. with SH and she asked me why I needed to do that. She repeatedly told me ----

YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO

She is right. I do not know if I will cancel apt or not but she told me to not take WH calls. Which he has not called back since I kinda hung up on him this am.

She told me I have two choices - either continue to live like this. If for some reason I am unable to let him go, which he already is really, then continue to live my life like this and ---- shut up about it... or

Tell him that I can not live like this anymore. (and she said he will know what I am talking about without having to say it ... again) Be firm and ..... get some self love !!!
Do not let him disrespect me any longer. Stop the craziness.

I think she is at her breaking point with me too, although she has never had this happen to her, she has listened to me go on about this for a long time.

So.. don't take his calls because they upset me anyway. And when the time is right --- soon -- tell him I can not do this anymore. Changes need to be made or I am done..

Agree ???

Thanks so much - car

Hi Car,

Yep! I think you've got it. Its all about how much you are willing to take. (me too).Its about deciding what kind of life we want for ourselves. And we do have to stand up for ourselves and say it. CA fence sitting WH/FWH will go on like this forever. If we do not change our response to their bad behaviors then those behaviors will continue. Whats the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.

I think you WH has a long term investment in LTA and he does not believe you won't be there for him. He can't hear through the fog. You might just have to show him a thing or two to prove you are serious. (me too)

OT...is it my imagination or is there a big influx of new posters? I've read some of the stories but just don't have the energy to respond much. Its sad how wide spread the pain of A go. So many people affected.

Hi Car,

I dont know your story other than this thread, but can you hire a PI? I think that would be my last act before pulling the plug. Just wondering - Dru

Hi C42, thanks for replying.

Yep, somehow my friend, and y'all have finally gotten through to me. I can not, will not take this any more. I doubt if I could be more miserable so I am taking my chances.

If/When he calls I am going to say something like -- You know how much I love you and how hard I have tried to make this marriage work. But, I can not live like this any more. It seems to me like you have disconnected from me a long time ago. So when you are ready to reconnect with me.. you know where to find me !!!

what do y'all think of that ???

I am getting stronger. I get treated the way I want to be treated and I am done with WH. I have done this long enough... way tooo long.

Thanks for replying Dru... a P.I. could not do any better than I have and that is not much. And besides, I am not wasting another penny on him.... He has cost me way too much already. My WH is OTR truck driver. He can just keep on truckin !! How dare he come home and rant and rave to me about a broken heart !!! What about my heart !!!

Day one of the rest of my life

Carnation

Update --

CH (I like that, cheater) called yesterday !! As I was excited to see his call.. same ole, same ole. He started out by saying -- did you get my red roses I sent ? -- uh.. no... he said.. well I didn't send any, but I thought if I said that that you wouldn't grip at me !!!

So I said, does this mean that you are over with your affair and we can talk about it ? He started denying the whole thing again, and we got nowhere.... again.

We talked for awhile and I kept telling him that I needed the truth to move on either way, I need it be over and I need to heal, we both do from this. He just keeps denying everything. We hung up on that note...

My friend said to try to talk to him about other issues that need resolving. Like the drinking, cutting back on that - all his anger, stuff like that. Since he won't admit to anything with OW, switch my issues for the time being. What do you think of that ???

Thanks so much for any comments.

Best regards - carnation

bump for comments or suggestions please

I kept telling him that I needed the truth to move on either way, I need it be over and I need to heal, we both do from this. He just keeps denying everything. We hung up on that note...

what if you were to never ever get the truth....

because it is not true that you need the truth to do anything...

the truth is in his actions....

you have all the information you need to make moves that serve you....

or

you can continue the verbal tango you have been in engaged in for a long time....

for what..
another week
two weeks
month
easter...
4th of july...
how about same spot on halloween....

ARK

Thank you so much for replying Ark.

Really, I don't need to know the truth ?? Well, of course I know most of it anyway. And, yes I can tell by his actions what is going on with regard to it.

I just want his a to be over as we all probably do. But, shouldn't I be able to talk about IT ? Or could I talk with y'all here and leave that subject off bounds for now with CH. Oh, thank you so much Ark. I feel better about this already... thanks.

And yes... I am exactly in the same place where I was LAST February. So, no I do not still want to be here next Feb.

And..... CH is my husband's real initials !!!! too funny

Thanks so much, car

lets follow this path..

you believe that you can not move on or act until you know the truth...

so if he never values the truth
and he never tells you the truth...

then you will live your entire life waiting for something that may never come...

you ask someone once or twice....explaining your need...
and in their response is their answer...

you have asked your question
he has answered your question

his answer is NO I will not tell you the truth....

it is not the answer you like or want..
but it is what it is...

unfortunately and sadly enough..

your husband does not value you or the truth..
that is your answer..

can't make him do either...
you stand up for yourself..
decide what is tolerable and intolerable....

this man has been gaslighting for you for a long long time...
and it has clouded your thinking...

ARK

Hi Car,
Aaah the truth! It frustrating, infuriating and disrespectful to be lied to (even by omission) over and over again. My FWH denies the same way or only admits to what he thinks I know...the famous "I don't know" in response to questions. The ABSOLUTE truth is something we may never get. The WS version of the truth or what they believe to be true changes from day to day. "I don't love you" but I don't want to live without you. Their concept of love and truth and loyalty are skewed.

What I have decided is what I can accept and cannot accept. It boils down to how I am being treated and if it is acceptable to me. In the past I was willing to accept less then I deserve. I value myself more...the bar has been raised...I am not a consolation prize. Are you?

Good morning. A quick update on what is going on over here. CH and I are getting along quite nicely. He was home for the last few days and things went remarkably smooth. Granted neither he nor I said anything about ow or affair. It just gets to be a vicious cycle and he just will not admit to a darn thing, outright. I tty to do the best I can to save my m with the knowledge I have.

So, I am assumming from our phone conversations, that IT is over with and we need to know how to proceed from here. I have ordered some books on tape - Five Love Languages, etc. There aren't many to chose from on tape and that is what is in his truck.

Anyway ---- yesterday I received an e mail from OW through Classmates.com !!! What a shocker.. It basically said --- leave me alone. Stop driving by my house, stop calling me... etc... You are crazy and this needs to stop. ------ She is a school teacher and the tone was very condescending.

Granted I did do those things this past summer. But I have not called her since. I have always thought that when/if this LTA was finally over that I might hear from her.

I do believe that the proper response to this is no response - right ?? Yes, I am tempted to reply to this curtly, but then that would not be right either. I guess I am just upset with the tone of her note and like I am obeying her or something.... like she got the last word.

P.S. Despite the little info that I do have... all of this circumstanstial evidence combinded just concludes what I have always thought. I know she is the one, I know it...

Thanks so much for listening and helping.

Carnation

How about this...

Thank you for your email. I would love to leave you alone and never see or hear from you again. We can make that happen simply by you leaving my WH alone. If we can agree and adhere to this then you will never hear from me again. However, if you can't or won't then you and I may become well acquantied in the future.

Have a nice day.

OH, I love this !!!!

What do y'all think ????


Thanks so much for replying...

Carnation

I am ready to click *send*.....

What do y'all think ???

Thank you, car

Carnation,

I would not bother to send that e-mail. The OW is not you main problem. Your H`s drinking is. You will not be able to rebuild your M until your H stops drinking. My H was a pot addict so I know what you are dealing with.

You need to tackle the issues in the right order.

Step number 1 your H stops drinking and gets himself some professional help or you are gone.

I won`t bother to list the other steps right now because unless and until your H stops drinking everything else is a moot point.

And as for that truck...why can`t he buy it for himself? You`re not his Mom are you?

I'm confused again!! I thought you were not going to even speak to him unless you were sure he was 100% done with OW. You weren't gonna let him come home after he got back. What happened??? Did I miss a chapter somewhere?

Although it would feel good don't dignify her email with a response. Let her wonder. Have you set your boundaries yet? Are you sure he is done w/ OW?