Hi, it is me - carnation. I now see the boards in a different format and can not log on as carnation. So I had to re register as carnation 2.

Brief update - When my WH and that is what he is, came home on Wed, he asked me to do something outside with him, to which I replied - I can't, I have a broken toe. to which he replied -- I HAVE A BROKEN HEART !!!

He shortly after this went to bed.. let me rephrase that, passed out. So, I am assumming again, that he blurted that out in his state of being drunk and a drunk one speaks the truth.

ok, while he slept, I thought. Ok, for whatever reason, it has finally ended. This LTA that has gone on for a looong time without him admitting it to me, at least sober. Of course I don't know who called if off, WH or OW. Or, most likely they have broke up to make up. Guessing here. But the man certainly acted like he had broken heart - good.

I wrote him a big old nice somewhat Plan B letter. Since lately most talks end up in a fight, this way I could say what I wanted to say. I included everything I wanted to say. Tried to hit the hot spots.

How a marriage must have a solid foundation.
A solid foundation is built on trust and honesty.
I have tried to be a loving wife. I need a loving husband.
If there is another woman, we have no marriage.
If you do not let me in - I am an outsider.
I will not be a party to a 3 person marriage.
I admit I have made mistakes and would never cheat on you though.
If you can not stop contact IF there is a OW, you must leave.

When he woke up I fixed him something to eat, him still acting very sad and down. Asked him if I could read him a letter, he said, here we go again. And, I started reading my letter to him in my nicest voice.

About 2/3 of the way through reading it --- He went absolutely and completely balastic !! Threw everything he could get his hands on. Broke stuff, hit stuff, cried, screamed, no words just screaming, at one point he actually pulled at his hair with both of his hands and screamed at the top of his lungs !!

This whole time I was sitting calmly on the ottoman watching a man fall apart.

After this was all over with he sat there for a very long time with his head in his hands. This is all very very not like him. So... is he in withdraw ?? Has he been dumped ?? Seems like it to me.

Next day (yesterday) he is still acting very sad and morose. When asked he kept saying - you won. or you broke me. Oh... and he now wants me to buy him a $$$ semi truck. Ummm... did that tip the scales in my favor ?? Was the affair getting too much for both of them and he thought that I would be the one to get him a truck ??

Please tell me your take on all of this. He is acting the past couple of days very strangely towards me. Granted he doesn't lust me. but he normally tells me he loves me all the time, no touching, no kissing nothing !!! He seems like he is in alot of pain. And I am trying to give him his room but be kinda nice at the same time.

Oh ... don't worry... I am NOT buying him a truck and now he knows it. He is not one bit happy and like Dr. Phil would say... how's that workin for ya ??? to my WH

Thanks so much for reading this and replying.

Carnation

Carnation,

I have no idea how they act in withdrawl thats for sure. But sure sounds to me like something is happening.

He sure does not sound like a hpppy man, he sounds miserable.

I am praying for you the A is over and he can get through this and see what he has done to you and your marriage.

Prayers coming your way...


Hurting

thanks Hurting, as you know I am praying for you.

Does anyone here know what withdraw is like ? Is it different if WH stops the A or is dumped, or same hurt either way ?

And, let's just say this is what happened here, since I have lived in a marriage with an affair going on for years, now that it is over and he is so very sad .... now what ??? I have been nearing the end of my rope lately here too, but since the A appears to be over, kinda silly of me to give up now !!! How do I treat him ?? What about contact ?? I think if I can find any contact on his end... it is over for me.. duh

And no, he will not admit to anything.. when asked what that huge breakdown was all about.. he just said he is sick of being accussed of something he is not doing.. ok.. yea.. right..

help please. car

Sounds like it could be withdrawal.

Did you have monitoring points that you used to see when they were in contact?

Anyhow, he won't be the 'normal' guy you are used to for a while. As long as the withdrawal is affecting him, he'll see the world in a very dark light. The truck thing sounds like he is looking for something to make him happy in his moment of sadness. Not a good idea.

Anything you try to do to directly affect him at this moment will cause him to be angry like you already saw. I gave up on that (during my WW's withdrawal) and just plan A'd until she through the worst of it.

When my wife went through withdrawals she was unbearable.

I hope for you that it truly is over for his A. The good news is that with continued NC he can and will return to be the person he once was.

Sundog, thanks so much for replying. I do need to talk to those who have gone through this. I am guessing withdraw, what else could it be ?

Oh, I have ruined his "dream" his dream of owning his own truck. Sorry 'bout that. Bad timing on his part. I am guessing that he has been weighing this - the A or the marriage question in his head for years. I am thinking that what tipped the scales in my favor, he was sure I would buy him a truck. No doubt in his mind.

When he brought this up immediately after the breakup/breakdown in our living room, I calmly told him now is now a good time for a huge investment like this. If ever...

So right now.. only guessing... he is so distraught. Not only has he lost the love of his life, as they all think the OP is - he has lost his "dream" of owning his own truck. He is so extremely sad. too bad... too sad....

I do NOT feel one bit sorry for him at all. I am in withdraw here too. What about me ?? But I am thinking since this is what I have strived for so long, since it may be over... should i be extra nice to him in his pain ??

Sundog.. my monitors for contact are slim. This is one sneaky guy. I am assumming he uses a calling card to call her. When she used to call his cell repeatedly she always blocked her number by using *67. these are sneaky people. and as far as I am concerned... sneaky people get what they deserve !!! Not including BS in this.. we sneak to save our marriages.

thanks so much for responding. Carnation

Carnation-

Hey girl!! You sound so strong!

You know what this sounds like to me? It sounds like he decided on the marriage. It sounds like he decided on the marriage and is grieving the loss of the OW.

Beginning of withdrawl I'd say.

God Bless,

-Caren

Thanks for the kind words Caren.

Strong as in "Caren strong" or strong ?? Besause YOU are one strong woman.

I feel very weird...never dealt with a grieving, love-lost, sad and broken H before. I guess I should continue to not bring it up.. really goes over the top on that one... and treat him um... tenderly ??

thanks again for replying Caren

car

I just read your reply on my thread-it sounds like he made his choice. Mine did too-weeks ago but I hadn't discovered the affair. I gave him a choice-end it or I would do it for him. He at first insisted on divorce but has softened up but only because I'm forcing his hand over the children. The man I married and the man he was a year ago would have NEVER acted this way. I just want to shake him.
Does anyone know how to use the private message thing?
I would like to PM you carnation

Thanks for replying fik. I do not know how to PM either.

Please feel free to post anything at all to me here. What we have to say to each other just may help someone else out too.

Thanks again, carnation

Good morning.

Well, what an exhausting weekend, again. WH is definetly in serious withdraw. Coupled with his drinking alot, he was going between mean and forlorn.

But, I am getting stronger and/or detaching.

First - he wanted to go and look at semis. Yea, right. I mean, I really DO have stupid stamped on my forehead ?? But, instead of coming right out with the truth, which would be I am not buying him a truck, I told him that I am not buying him a truck - right now.
I agree this may be "leading" him on.... but I just couldn't say the real truth to him and thought it better to just put him off more.

And then the more he kept bringing it up.. it would just reinforce how he really feels about me - which is he is not in love with me, he is just using me for security as he always has and he thinks me buying him a truck will help him get over his lover. So I bought myself some more time and I am thinking this whole thing over .. well, I see it for what it really is !!!

And ---- I was supposed to leave this morning with him to go out on the road. This I just could not do. So yesterday I faked being sick and was still "sick" this morning. Granted this may have been wrong to do this, but he has been so mean that I just could not say to him at this particular time that I did not WANT to go with him. So, I guess the main point is that I did not go and I really do not think he wanted to me anyway but being the huge CA that he is (hmm.. seems like I am too !!) he couldn't come right out and tell me he didn't want me to go -- plus that would ruin his chances for a truck in the future -- so I think I handeled the situation the best I could for the both of us.

So, I am quite proud of myself. I am taking baby steps here. But I am seeing him this marriage for what it really is or isn't and am acting accordingly.

I am here at home where I think I belong and trying very hard to detach from a man who is not in love with me and just can not seem to tell me the real truth.

What do y'all think of what I am doing ?? Like I said,,, baby steps, plus I tried to do all of this without causing too much more trouble here.

Thanks so much for reading this and any comments.

Carnation

I know from personal experience, the sign of your own sickness is when you take your alcoholic's emotional temperature daily so you know how you should act that day.

"walking on eggshells" doesn't even come close

"walking on eggshells blindfolded and wearing Mickey Mouse ears" is more like it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

It is hard (impossible) to gauge a drunks level of withdrawl/grieving ... easier to find ground water with a stick.

Don't own any of his moods. Decide (without looking at H) what mood you feel on any given day ... and stick to your own schedule of ups and downs ....

You know, you will be blamed for his moods eventually if he is drinking ... so , might as well just relax and enjoy your day anywho.

Thanks so much for replying Pep.

I totally agree with all you said. Yea, walking on eggshells doesn't even come close !! I think instead of Mickey Mouse ears, I need armour.

Do you see this as I am starting to really "see" it ?

When clarifying if he really loves me/is in love with me - he tells me that I care about you and worry about you !!
Wow, this is great. And, where do I sign the check for the truck ???

Pep, you know my whole story --- Please give me some advice. I do think we are coming to the end of this relationship. Really I do. Me not leaving with him today is very telling on both of our parts. I do not think he could really believe my being sick story and sees that I am giving him an "out".

Thanks so much - carnation

stop concentrating on HIM

and take a look at your values

decide what stays and what goes as far as your personal values are concerned

and act accordingly to those values

Hi (((Car)))
Looks like we are in the same boat. Check out my thread about Withdrawl & LTA...Suzet provided and excellent link.
I think I am gonna give my FWH some space and work on my personal recovery and see what I really want.

Its difficult living with someone that you love but doesn't return those feelings.

edited to add: Thanks for clarifying the carnation2 name...it sounded like you but thought someone was jumping on you band wagon!

to keep you grounded in the real world ... many of your readers on MB could say this ...

but we will not ask you to buy us a new truck !!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Values.. thanks.. you are so right....

Thanks again, carnation

Just got a new truck at our house....it ain't even workin yet.

I just poured out my sitch on a new thread....I'm kinda on the eggshells, wishin I wasn't, just like you.

Maybe we's 2 peas in a pod, carnation!

but we will not ask you to buy us a new truck !!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> [/quote]

Pep, thanks so much.

Not only did that make me laugh out loud.. you made me feel validated... thanks

carnation

[quote]Hi (((Car)))
Looks like we are in the same boat. Check out my thread about Withdrawl & LTA...Suzet provided and excellent link.
I think I am gonna give my FWH some space and work on my personal recovery and see what I really want.

Its difficult living with someone that you love but doesn't return those feelings......
__________________

Thanks for the hug C42 !! I sure wish I would have seen that link this weekend. Just what I was searching for too.
I have read your story and can totally relate.

I so love being able to come here and "talk" with the wise people here who have walked in these shoes. Shoes that I did not go out and buy... or .. did I ???

C42, it is hard... it is really hard, huh ??

thanks again, carnation

Sugar and spice -- I certainly hope you are not in my situation. I have not read your thread. I will do that after posting this.

The truck that WH is talking about is a $$$ semi truck. So he does not have to work for someone else. Which, he obviously does not like to do.. poor thing.

Granted, he has wanted his own truck for awhile now, but I just can not help but think -- duh -- that that is what tipped the scales in my favor over OW. So, how does that make me feel ?? umm... used, again ??

He just called and apparently has bought the sick story. Yikes, this scares me. If he can believe this cocamammie story, what is he believing that the OW is telling him !!!

OK, not going to worry about him, not going to worry about him.... I must get better, at least I am getting a little smarter. It's a start.

Thanks so much for replying, carnation