This all makes a lot of sense to me.. thank you all for your honesty and openness. I can truly see my H feeling this way..

Schoolbus,

Thanks for your encouragement and understanding. Everything you said seems to explain my H also...In his view, I didn't have time for him, I was moody and depressed (was pregnant and didn't know it until 2 weeks before the A started), nagging him, so many reasons, and the OW in my case was similar to yours...she told him that she was hornier than most women, wouldn't tell on him, just wanted him for sex...she was using him as she used her, at first...but then she fell in love, just as you said, women have the emotional attachment...once that happened, she made demands on him..Since this was in the workplace, she wanted to flaunt the relationship, and he did not want anyone to know...He knew that he could not have a relationship with her, as he did not want to leave his kids, and she already had one out of wedlock that she was not raising, due to her emotional instability. I think he also got trapped into that "just one more time" thing. We have talked about his need for SF, and even after filling out the questionnaire, he still says, he wants it when he wants it. He can't say, I want it 3 x a week, etc. That was the draw for him also. That she was willing and able WHENEVER he wanted...He did not have to wait for the kids to be put to bed, try to get me in the mood, etc...With her, it was a guarantee with no effort on his part. For me, it would take too much work. He just wanted to @*#*$ and be done with it.

I am trying also to show him that he was mistaken about me...I do have a pretty high sex drive but it was pushed down below my exhaustion of working fulltime, being pregnant, being primary caregiver of 2 kids while being alone 90% of the time due to his job...He has been very happy about the frequency and content of sex now, no complaints. Before the A, his complaint was that I would just lay there because it was just another chore, but now he sees that he was partly responsible for that--the way he would approach me and just say I want it now, get a quickie, and then be done with me...who wants to do that?

But other things I take full responsibility for in our sex life-not initiating when I wanted it because he seemed tired, not wearing sexy underwear/lingerie, not being affectionate enough, insecure about whether I was 'good' enough, feeling unattractive and heavy...he said in MC that I would not get undressed in front of him, when he always found me attractive... I felt unattractive, but now I try to tell myself, if he thinks I"m sexy, then I must be sexy, even if I have stretch marks, etc.

I was also like you--I said, I have nothing else to lose by changing the way I am sexually. In fact, the worst thing I could imagine happened BECAUSE I was so insecure...So I am trying to take back and rediscover my sexuality, and my H has been very pleasantly surprised at the change.

Thanks for your perspective. You have given me some hope on a day that I needed some... To me, my need for SF has increased since DDay because I feel that connection is really needed. I find that I miss it when we don't have time for it.

How did you deal with your feelings about what they did together sexually? Did you ask your H for details of what they did? I'm coming to terms with this and trying to get her out of my mind, to stop wondering what they did together, and just focus on him instead of thinking of her with him...What helped you to get over this part?

bump

Because you don't try to help him.

Perfect.


The expectation is definately not selfish, although it is a bit unrealistic to expect your spouse to never make the mistake of infidelity or abuse. Especially seeing as how 50% of women have an EA at some point in their lifetime and 70% of men have an EA.

The selfish part is telling your spouse "if you make this mistake, your marriage is over and I'm not sticking around to give you a chance to get better/heal/progress".

Mama - how do I deal with the thoughts of what they did sexually? Did I ask for details?

Initially, all I could do was compare myself to her. Physically, we were remarkably similar, so that I just didn't get! Anyway, I did what you're probably doing - running pictures and thoughts through my head, ruminating, making myself sad and mad. So I came to the point where I asked some general questions I really wanted to know - not details of the actual physical acts in particular. I wanted to know basic things, like:

Did she do something sexually for him, positions, toys, whatever, that I didn't?
Did she do anything unusual that I did not do that he wished I did?
Were there any "techniques" that I needed to learn and use that she did?

When it came down to it, he was surprisingly honest. His response was, "Hon, parts are parts. It didn't last long enough to experiment and get kinky. That wasn't the point. The point was get it done, and go away." He told me that there really wasn't anything special about any of it, and I do believe him. (I have to tell you this....consider her level of intellect, not her body. If she's not all that bright, chances are she's not all that imaginative! LOL)

You and I, well, we see sex as all entangled in love and intimacy. That is not what he was there for. He was there for the "good part", and not the burden of the strings. And consider that the OW KNEW THAT GOING IN............SHE CAPITALIZED ON THAT FACT, AND USED IT TO GET TO HIM. Ultimately, it didn't work in terms of her being able to reel him in - he left her, and chose YOU. Because in the final analysis, he really did want the love too, but somehow in the day to day world he just lost sight of that fact. He chose a really crappy way to remind himself, but he did come home and does want to make your life together what it ought to be.

I think you might be concerned about the intimacy aspect of the sex act as well. For me, I worried about what he said to her, what he whispered to her, and how close his heart was to hers. I talked to him about that in detail, because when it comes down to it, if it was really only about the sex, then the intimacy would be minimal at best. I found out they didn't have conversations about anything of importance. They didn't "connect" in that sense. They didn't even discuss loving each other - the focus for him was on how they would NOT become emotionally involved. They pretty much had sex, and then wanted to get away from each other once the deed was done. I began to look at OW as akin to a blow-up doll. She was used, and deflated. So, in your mind, deflate her - he already has. Every time you begin to think about the physical part of the sex, remember, that's all it was. She did not get from him anything that you get from him - for the simple reason that he loves you and gives you the part of himself that belongs only to you. So it really doesn't matter what they did - the value of it was nothing. He did, after all, get what he paid for! ;-)

I also focus on where we are headed. If I only look behind, I can only go there. The road ahead, together, is where you need to keep your eyes. You'll hit the bumps, but if you are staying on the road, and on the MB course, you will get to the recovery zone.

I wrote to my FWH today that we had been through a lot over the last five months. It seems like a lifetime. I told him that we have over 30 years together, and that we have become as one. We are each the part that completes the other. Somewhere along the line, we forgot that. But we are bound to each other, in love and life. I think of marriage as two trees:

We are two trees, growing close to one another. Our roots are entwined to anchor and bind us together, but we do not grow in each other's shadow. Our branches reach up to gather the light of our own suns - together.

Be sure to entwine your roots, feed his soul, let your sexy self loose, love him and let him love you. Don't lose yourself in the process, because you and he need each other for completeness. Remember that every single person on this earth is worthy of forgiveness. And plan today how you will share the gathering of the light tomorrow.

I am a FWW and now also a BW. I could have written this post. It is so much of what I was feeling. My WH said he wonders if I can open up to him sexually. I am actually a highly sexual person, but there was so much that affected our sex life. One year early in our marriage, I had a medical problem that basically prohibited SF and that is when the trouble started. It had just become a habit to say,"no". And, the more he pushed, the more I retreated. I felt like he never just wanted to hold me/be affectionate. We both became resentful and were asking to have our needs met, but the other did not feel like doing it because his/her needs were not being met. I had a Work Comp injury later in our M and I know now that I was depressed. I had so much piled on me at once, I did not feel his support, he was not listening to me (would walk out of the room while I was talking), he was no longer approaching me in a loving way, and I did not feel pretty/sexy when I was overweight.

As soon as I understood the importance of meeting these ENs, I made sure I met them and the SF was great <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> [color:"red"]Really, really great![/color] . I don't have a sexual problem as my WH thinks. There were just things that I had allowed to affect my libido (which I have addressed and are no longer an issue), and coupled with his not meeting my most important ENs, and feeling like he was just f***ing me, rather than making love, it was a recipe for disaster. I do not think he has ever tried to understand any of this. He is just resentful that his needs were not met. Well, neither were mine.

When OM came along, I was ripe for the picking. I was at a very low point in my life, did not feel my H understood me/supported me (first time in our M I ever felt that way), did not have good coping mechanisms, and made the worst mistake of my life. OM met the needs that my H met when were first dating-- this led to a physical attraction to someone I would not normally have been attracted to. In many ways, I felt he was "safe" because he was not attractive to me. But, the Love Bank concept is true...make enough deposits and you start to have romantic feelings. But, I never loved OM-- I started to fall for him, but things stopped before that point (and, I know now that I was using him as an escape from my problems. I used him.) I loved (and still do love) my H. He was the one I wanted meeting my needs. He was the one I wanted to be with for life. And, I told OM that I would not leave my H for him.

I hope to be one of the success stories, but WH is now out of our home and seeing OW. I am starting to lose my love for him and I do not want that, but I cannot be around him because it hurts too much. His cell phone will vibrate or he will get a TM when he is with me. And, he has lied to me repeatedly and that is a major LB for me. And, my eldest DD will innocently share a phone call he had with OW because she thought it was me. I cannot just continue to spend time with him acting as if everything is OK. I deserve better. And, knowing we probably have not been in R this whole year is incredibly hurtful. I just do not know how much more of this I can take. When do you know that it is time to move on?

The sad thing is that when I caught him before, we were both at our worst and acting in horrible ways. Now, I know I could forgive him, as long as he was truly remorseful and was willing to earn my trust back. Unfortunately, I understand all too well the addictive nature of As. But, at some point, he has to come out of the fog and commit 100% to our M--even when things are tough. And, he is just so dang angry all the time. He never was like that before...I do not know how much of it is the A, but it is hard to take <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Sorry, for the thread-jack...needed to vent <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Improving,

Great to see you again. My empathy to your current situation and pain. Did you want to start your own thread? Seems like everyone here would respond. You were always helpful to others and so honest. Looks like you still are!

"He is just resentful that his needs were not met. Well, neither were mine."

Sounds like you resent his resentments.

I was very much in your shoes once. Would love to be there for you.


Trying2reconcile...hey, where are you? Would love to hear your progress in uncovering why you had the affair. Please don't leave us hanging!

LA

Schoolbus,

My thoughts are so much the same as yours! Initially I too asked what she was like physically (I do not know her) and she is nothing like me, and he even said, she is not very attractive...BUT she was 25 at the time, and was very flirty, and made him feel good about himself. I have read on this forum about the Knight in Shining Armor theory (the man sees himself as rescuing/helping a damsel in distress) and I think this partly applies, as she has alot of emotional issues, and when she fell for him, he was unable to completely break it off because he was concerned about her instability (she had tried to commit suicide over a previous lover).

But I'm getting off track..yes, the pictures in my head, what did she do to him, what did he do to her...All the questions you asked and more...I have not asked many of the questions yet..We start to discuss it and then get off the track...He has told me that she had no "technique" when it came to BJs and that is partly why this is what he would ask of me when he came home...I also want to know, did they try anything that he would like to try w/ me, etc...I know that I can spice it up...just need to do it..

Our problem is lack of privacy due to having 3 kids under 6 yrs old...I think My H would say the same as yours--and he has--it was just sex, to get his rocks off and that was it...she told him that she was hornier than most women, that he made her have 15 orgasms (HA.How he believed this one, I don't know), and he was better than any man she had ever known. He says that this is why she fell for him...now he knows that it is never 'no strings attached".

I don't think they got into anything kinky, but want to make sure, because as I said in the other posts, they had all the time in the world to just lay around in bed. No one there to disturb them. They both worked graveshift, would get off work, go to her place, have sex, and then go to sleep (I worked days so was clueless about this), then he would get up and come home when I was home (6 pm). He said it became a convenience because she lived only 15 min from work and all he wanted to do was F(%#%*% and go to sleep...(our house is 45 min from his job and I was at work).

But I want to find out about anything they did that he would like to bring back to our bed...And I even was able to joke with him and say, what did you DO to her to make her have 15 orgasms!!!!

Their intimacy during sex is also a big question for me, as you say...he is not one to whisper, but see, I remember how he was when we were first dating (and I was her age, and ready for it anytime)...This is a big thing for me...I almost think he saw how I used to be in her...we were living together when I was 25 and he complains that somewhere along the way, I lost interest in him, after our first son was born...Now he understands the reasons, but at the time, he thought it was just me...that's the fog, I guess. I don't really think they got into toys or anything.

I love what you wrote about looking forward, and marriage being two trees...that is a terrific way to look at it. I always thought of my H as my soulmate, even through the toughest times...one really hard part for me is that he was not my soulmate during this past year. He was afraid of losing me as a friend, not just as a wife...I asked him once where MY friend (him) was during this time, and he said "out being stupid"...I am trying to move forward and I know that I can in time...I just want to get all the questions, all the details out of my head, so that I don't have to think about it every day.

My sexy self is coming out of me...we did the EN questionnaires and I am trying to meet his ENs and he is trying to meet mine...I have found that my need for SF is higher now than I would have expected...I find myself missing it as a way to connect with him now, more than I have ever done so in the past...Which is a good thing...

Thanks for all of your thoughts and comments...I really needed some encouragement and hope this week...This month has been very hard, because his A was already started by this time last year...I know it is going to be a long road, but I am committed to move forward and so is he...

Did you and your H go to MC or follow the MB course very strictly? We went to MC but stopped due to insurance issues. I would like to return when that is resolved in a month or so. I also want to do more with the MB principles==so far we have just done the ENs, need to do LBs, communication is a big problem of ours...I think if only he could have told me that he was going to have an affair, I would have been able to change my behavior at that point..I want to make sure that he knows that he can tell me if I am not meeting his needs, and that our marriage is in jeopardy.

Improving,

I'm glad to hear that you related to my post, and were able to rediscover your sexuality. My H was the same as yours--resentful that I was meeting his needs, and I was resentful that he wasn't meeting mine... A vicious cycle that led to his A.

I hope that you and your H do become a success story..Keep your faith and work on yourself...there is a lot of good advice on these boards...I wish you the best of luck in your journey...

Thanks for the welcome. Not sure about starting my own thread as WH knows my sign on name (most likely OW does too).



Thank you. I have really tried to help others and to bring some good from my A. I cannot undo it, but I am doing what I can to make up for it and be the best person and W I can be.

I do not resent his resentments, I am saddened that he cannot choose to accept that we failed each other and then do whatever is necessary to make sure we do not repeat the past. The past cannot be changed, the future can. That is why I am so focused on it. I know I can change it...I have already started. I do not want to waste another day being angry when there is something that can be done to stop it. Yes, we hurt each other and did not meet needs, but now we know that and can learn from it.

Mamafish,

We didn't go to MC or IC. Both of us are pretty stable people, and I think we can communicate - now, that is. I feel the same way, that if he only talked with me, we could have met all of each other's needs before anything started with any OW. But, hindsight is 20/20.

We didn't follow MB strictly, either. We actually had started to work on recovery ourselves, when I happened upon this website. The NC, and Plan A started right away, and we went into radical honesty immediately - and never even heard of MB at that point. We have used the concepts of ENs, and he actually did the questionnaire, something that he never would have even considered six months ago. FWH isn't much for talking to counselors, so our discussion went something like this:

BS: I think that we should seek professional advice.
WS: We can't afford it - three kids in college and my cancer has eaten up every last cent we have. What can we do that will make things better for you?
BS: You have to talk to me. I cannot put the pieces of the puzzle together if I don't have the whole picture. You were there. You have all of the information, and I have only what you have chosen for me to hear. I don't even know if I know the right questions to ask.
WS: Well, what do you need me to do?
BS: Start at the beginning, and tell me the story. Don't leave anything out - I need to know what you know, what happened, what was said, how you felt, how she felt. Tell me the story like you were writing a book, and along the way if I need clarification, I will note it and ask later.
WS: I don't want to hurt you any more. Are you sure?
BS: I will stop you or divert you if I'm not ready to hear something quite yet. I'll note it, and maybe after I process what you tell me tonight, I will ask later.

That's what we did. I actually kept little notepad there, and jotted down reminders to ask about this or that. What ended up happening, was that once I heard his story, most of my questions of the events just disappeared. As he talked, I asked him occasional questions, such as "what was in your mind right then" or "could you stop and tell me what happened at that point in more detail". I made sure that any questions I asked as he told the story were non-judgemental, did not include any personal or emotional comments, and did not express any doubt or disbelief in what he was saying. The questions were also specific, so that he could give a very quick answer and return to the story. At points, I had to guide him to give more details, such as when he described how the actual first time occurred. Like, Did he walk over to her? Okay, then tell me what happened there step by step in more detail...

I was surprised that this method was so effective in relieving so much of my stress and fears. We have used it for most of our conversations, because it lets him tell the important things in his mind, and lets me lead him into details where I feel I need them. And the fact that I jot things down keeps me and him focused and calmer. I didn't cry when we did this the first time, and it has really led us to be able to converse about the A in a much more productive manner.

We do have rules - I do not ever come back and yell at him or lovebust about things he discloses during these talks. The whole purpose is to exchange information about a topic, not to judge or punish. The purpose is to simply allow a safe forum for him to tell and for me to ask. Follow up sessions are allowable, to clarify, or recover more details if needed. We both understand that I may need to revisit one issue more than once, or one event more than once, simply because this is such an emotional process that sometimes things take me a little more time to mull over before I can form a reaction or recognize a need in a given area. A new rule is that we need to set aside a time to do this, and not have him feel "ambushed" - this is because there were a couple times when the conversation started and he just wasn't ready for it. (Given that he has had surgery recently, I should have been more in tune to his need on that - but hey, I'm learning here!) Your job in this is to listen to him with love (no anger, no hurt, try to focus on that); his is to talk to you honestly so you can have what you need to settle your mind and heart. Finally, talk to him before you two start - discuss your ground rules, the safety issue, and then, stick to the rules - and I do know that it will not be easy to hold on to the calm, but you have to.

Using this method, we have discussed (so far):

1. The actual physical sexual content of the first encounter - I asked a couple of questions about the other times, but basically the "walk through" he gave me of the first time gave me nearly everything I needed to know about the subsequent visits.
2. The emotions he was feeling as the A progressed - he started with the initial flirtation (hers, of course...), and how things progressed to the point of the first physical encounter.
3. The emotional reactions he had as I found out, and what he has been through since then. We also had my wine-induced story of my side of the mess as well (albeit much less controlled on my part!).
4. A sort of historical retelling of our life together of 30 years from his standpoint - and this was really interesting, by the way. Poignant. I believe this is really where we began to reconnect - I realized he really does love me and only me through this conversation. No questions this time, I commented, I listened, with tears and love, and took away a new view of things.
5. One review session on the sexual part, with more specific questions of techniques, etc.
6. A very quiet session, probably our last on the "past" subject. This one was where he talked about his introspection and subsequent insight into why he thinks this happened. It was very calm, and I asked no questions at all - he was very open, thoughtful, and actually hit the nail on the head. I had thought nearly exactly the same things he had, and was surprised to hear him say what was in my head this whole time, because I had never discussed my opinion on "why" with him.

There was just one actual session with revisited material - I needed to hear just a few things from him. Before our sessions, I sometimes made a short list of things I wanted to be sure for him to cover. Oddly enough, each session has really become more productive, more reassuring, and more connecting for both of us. Once he felt safe, and knew I wasn't going to flip out, cry, or get angry, he opened up more and more and more. Now, our "sessions" are easy conversations. We both learned so much about how to LISTEN, that we both feel much more able to talk.

Our most recent session was focused on the future, and his feelings for me today. He expressed his desire to prove to me that he deserves me, and that his only prayer is that we will grow old together, in love that grows with us each day.

Mama, you can do this. Make him feel safe enough to tell you his story. Stay calm, listen to him - in there is your husband trying to reach across to you, and he wants you to accept him. I looked at it as though I knew he had faults but I wanted him anyway - and he knows I have faults and wanted me too in spite of them. But knowing your faults and talking about them with the one person you want to have think of you as near-perfect is just about the hardest thing in the world to do. Give him the safety to do that, and then show him you love him anyway.

Today, we gathered light together. We walked our wolf, and talked about simple things. My soul is warm.

And, so is my apple pie, which I am going to go snack on!

Hi Schoolbus,

Wow, that is quite a journey that you have made...I think this method will work for us and I think he will agree because we can set some rules up in advance...We had one discussion that did not go well...We both ended up getting upset and he finally said time out...I spent too much time during that talk saying stuff like, did you think of me AT ALL? and why didn't you feel guilty ? Not a good move, I see now...I thought I was prepared for it, but I wasn't...Now, I think I am a bit more able to deal..this was over a month ago.

I told him that even though it hurt me, I felt better that we had talked, and that made him feel a bit less defensive about it. The big thing with him is that because he insists that it was "nothing" and no threat to me, he does not understand my need to question him....He says he will answer all questions, but he wants to have a time limit (like you did).. The ground rules are good ones.

Other conversations that we have had have been good, and I did reward his honesty with respect and calm and did not get angry...I don't think that there is much else that he can tell me that I would get angry about , but you're right, you need to have rules or it is chaos, and he will only withdraw more. I definitely have ambushed him as a simple conversation can take an ugly turn very fast once the A is mentioned...

We did go to an MC three times, but most of the session was spent talking about the history of our marriage up to this point, and I guess if we kept going, it would progress to the A, but I felt like the counselor just wanted me to move on, and not focus on the past. My H went to an IC all along, and the IC had suggested that he and I go to MC and he end the A.. He still sees this counselor.

I am going to give this my best shot. I will print your advice and show it to my H and tell him that this is what we need to do for me to move on. I just want to get to a point, where I don't feel like I need to know anything else...I can wait to discuss things, like you said. He also said let's take this slow and do a bit at a time so you are not overwhelmed, and your plan seems to take that into account...

I'm just getting to the point now where we are not really moving forward because he wants me to get over it and I'm just keeping my feelings and questions inside. We also have a long history together...We had a lot of bad times and I always stuck by him. I get frustrated because I feel like he should be doing more to show me how much he loves me, because I was without his love for so long. He says that he is afraid to approach me sometimes, so your point about making him feel safe is a good one and right on target.

I think that this weekend may be a good time to get him to tell me his story...Thanks for the good advice and I'm so glad that you and your husband have rediscovered each other...It makes me hopeful for my future...

Mamafish,

I can tell by your writing that you will work this out with your husband. He seems like he wants to work it out too, but isn't sure what to do.

I have to share that my H and I went out last night for fast food - kind of unusual for us, as we have to drive into town (we live in a rural area). For the first time in 30 years of marriage, he actually remembered on his own to ask for the hot sauce I like when we went to the drive through window. Now, you have to understand that we have gone to this place many times over the years, and never once has he done this - he has always asked for his type, but never once for mine! I have always had to remind him to ask for mine too. But he just did this automatically, and I about fell out of the car. I said, "you asked for my hot sauce - you've never remembered before". He said, "I told you, things have changed. You will see a new person."

I guess so. Little things really do mean a lot.

We had a great walk tonight with the wolf. I am becoming more and more able to just "be", and more and more time is free of the obsession in my mind. Small talk, fresh air, and we felt normal. Not anything special, just normal. And I will thank God for that tonight.

I am so glad that I was able to help you with some ideas to work through together. I will keep you both in my prayers. God has a lot to listen to this evening!

Schoolbus

Hi Schoolbus,

You are right, the little things do mean alot...the fact that he remembered your hot sauce and never did before speaks volumes...I try to look at H's actions instead of his words sometimes...little things that I took for granted (because I realize that I took him for granted too, didn't let him know that I appreciated things he did for me)...making me a cup of coffee the way I like, etc.

One area that has been difficult for us is that he feels that we have been together for so long, that certain things we should know about each other...I feel like we need to rediscover each other, and so I ask him alot of questions, since I feel like I don't know him as well as I thought...This is something we are working on, to learn to be a H and W to each other...He was letting her fill his SF needs, and probably others that I'm not aware of yet so I feel like there is alot I don't know about him that I thought I knew.

Last night was very hard for me..I have alot of stress at work lately (I am here now and this is the only place I have a computer), the kids have been sick, and this time last year, was when it all was going on, the beginning of their relationship...My H's grandmother died one year ago today and we had to go out of state to the funeral...We were together on Valentine's Day, out of state, so I thought, well at least I don't have that trigger that he was with FOW on that day..Well, I checked the cellphone bill from last Feb and he called FOW a few times that day, and then later that week.. We returned on Thursday night and he went to work that night (graveshift)...Her birthday (I found out a couple weeks ago) was Feb 19th, that Sat night, and I looked in my day planner, and that was a weekend that he had said he was staying up at his work location at his friend's house, due to bad weather...So, this month is really really hard for me...Anyway I"m getting off the track...

So last night after the kids were in bed he said he wanted to give me a footrub since he could tell I was stressed...Well it turned into a really remarkable massage and SF session, but thoughts of OW kept popping into my head, which I kept pushing away, and forced myself to just enjoy the moment. He did some "new' things which made me think of her... But I felt a lot better afterward and today, and I know that my H felt "safe" to do certain things that I assume they did together...I told him afterward that it was really hard for me and he said, Shhh I know, some things you don't have to say"...So I think he realizes...he said he was going to wait until Valentine's Day to do it, but he knew that I was stressed...Another stepping stone, because for him to even remember that holiday is coming up, is a big thing..

I'm glad that you are able to just be with your husband and share some quiet moments...we have been able to do that sometimes too...we started going to church as a family in December and that has also helped me alot in finding some peace in my mind. I try to cherish the moments of peace when I am watching him play with the kids and just enjoy them.

Thanks for your words of support and encouragement...it has really helped me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know that he wants to work it out too, but like you said, he doesn't know what to do. I am going to have to take the lead to tell him what I need, instead of expecting him to read my mind.

Have a great weekend...I won't be online this weekend, but I will check back on this thread on Monday.. I hope to have some progress to report...and thanks for keeping us in your prayers...I will keep you in mine also...

I will be thinking about you - will check in Monday after work.

SB

Hi Schoolbus,

Well, my weekend was up and down, the emotional rollercoaster returned... We had a good night on Friday night, but had a bad day/night on Saturday. I really exploded on him on Sat night and did a lot of love busters about the A...totally blew the whole "you can be safe and talk to me scenario" that I really wanted to portray...I blame it on the wine, and his Twisted Teas that he was drinking....He didn't say very much, just listened to my accusations...

But, we are making progress because we made up on Sun morning. We had a bad snowstorm up here in New England so we were basically stuck with each other...Ended up having a very nice day and he made a really great dinner...he is an excellent cook...We talked about the SF from the other night and kind of tiptoed with each other, but I know that this means that we are making progress...I see that we are communicating better than pre=A because we know what is at stake...Pre-A, we may not have been able to talk to each other for days after this type of argument. Or he would have left, but he stayed this time.

Valentines' Day is tomorrow, and I am planning to write him a really nice card/letter...

I'm going to try it again...I am going to just sit him down and apologize for my ranting and raving the other night and tell him how much of a struggle this is for me...We had done the EN questionnaire weeks ago, but haven't discussed or shared them w/ each other. This has been bothering me because I think this will help him to know what to do more...

Anyway, thanks for checking in with me...we are moving along the right track, we just took a detour, but are back on track now.

Schoolbus,

I am doing much better today...we had a nice evening...I have been taking your advice and letting my sexy self go and showing him how much better sex is with love....this is working out pretty well...LOL! You would be proud of me, because he is introducing some new "techniques" and I am enjoying the experience and not love-busting on where he learned them...

He has bought something from Victoria's Secret for me for Valentines Day,that I get to open tonight, and last night, I was just wearing un-sexy flannel pjs, but a massage led to some really great SF...Afterwards, I made the comment that I didn't even have my new sexy outfit on and he said, you never needed it...it enhances you, it's not about the outfit...I said yes, well I stopped wearing the lingerie and I need to get back to doing that....So he said, you took it for granted that you didn't need it...and I took alot of things for granted too...we both said ILY and went to sleep...After midnight, but he was up and getting off to work at 5....we are both tired but happy...it is a good feeling...

at least he is feeling "safe" in the sex area, and I never even had to ask him what he would like to do differently...he is just doing it and I am complimenting him on it...

I hope you and your husband have a great Valentine's Day...

This Valentine's Day is so different for us. He's fixing me a special dinner (Alaskan king crab and lobster tails), and I'm just relaxing.

I think about the beginning of this thread being "how could you cheat on someone you say you love", and think that the question became "how can we fix it once it's broken".

The answer to the "how could you" question turns out to be so complicated, yet so easy - they could because somewhere in this crazy life they lost their way. It's the how, where, when, and why questions that attach to the affair that makes things so complicated. The answers to those questions can only come out over so much time, and only if both people can reach out with their hearts, listen to each other, and remember that they are not enemies - they are two people who love each other and lost their way in love. With those things in mind, and a willingness to look at the good, the bad, and the very ugly, things can work out.

Stay strong, Mama. And move over to the recovery forum. Because you are now in recovery.

SB

Hi Schoolbus,

I hope you enjoyed your special dinner..that menu sounds great to me...

You are right, the question on this thread no longer applies, it has changed...There are so many reasons why it happened, how it happened...my H says he lost his mind, and that just about sums it up...

I have been on recovery too..I go back and forth between this one and that one...I consider myself one of the lucky ones whose husband realized what he had and decided to stay instead of leave...I have to remember that...and to remember to make him feel safe..

In my V Day card to my H, I rewrote your words about marriage being two trees...He just said thanks for the card...I don't think he was quite ready for that...In a thread somewhere, I read someone (a FWS) say that he did not feel he was worthy of receiving his wife's love...I think that may be it for my H...He gave me a funny card, not a sentimental one...The card I gave him was about being soulmates...he said he read the same one at the store but didn't buy it (I think he may have thought that I didn't feel the same)..

One step at a time...it is getting better day by day...