<< But I don't think I'm made of the stuff for marital recovery. I'm from the Lemonman school of thought but you lot humble me sometimes with your forgiveness.>> I I understand totally.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((TT)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You're a good person who wishes to do what is right........it is just so damn hard! to know whats right at times though, huh.

TT - I apologize for joking on this thread. It was not kind to do.

Please take your time and think about it. There is no hurry to make a quick decision.

I know you remember the story of my children's father. He died alone of heart problems and his body wasn't found for 3 days. It was devastating for my boys, and they are still sad about it.

But let's look at the rest of the story. My WH never took care of himself. He continued doing exactly what he wanted to do. He had a family history of heart disease - his dad died at 40 from it. But he continued to smoke, drink, and have a horrible diet, even after his first heart attack at 36.

I took cooking classes to learn how to make healthy meals. We had chicken with no fat, fish, and vegetables. Meanwhile my husband would go out to eat whenever he could. He liked to order 3 eggs, 6 pieces of bacon and 6 sausages, and some pancakes.

He continued to smoke and drink too. The doctor told me to get a job, as WH wouldn't be around to support us.

I worked and took care of the kids, while WH and his OW toured the world on her yacht. WH had very little contact with our boys, until he got real sick. Then he started trying to turn things around.

Had I taken him back, things may have turned out even sadder. My boys are good young men, doing well in life, and I'm thankful for that. I did the best I could under the conditions.

You need to go slow. See if your husband is willing to make some changes and give you what you need too.

As far as the dialysis - I look at it in a different way. LM is quite young and has no experience with the way things used to be. When dialysis first started, they had committees to decide who would get it, and who would die. They looked at how "valuable" a person's life was. It was extremely costly, and used up all of the family's resources.

Anyway, prayers to you - I've been thinking of you. Listen to what lealas says too. There is no reason that you can't be compassionate to your husband, but still have a nice life.

Thanks Orchid and 123 - I'm off to bed. I am tired. Orchid, I don't do reverse babble because he doesn't talk! Yet.

123 - Any regrets about not having a shot at recovery?

Will catch up in the morning. Lealas - I'd love to ask you a few questions if you don't mind wearing your professional hat? Let me know. TT (Hong Kong MB division!)

Believer - we posted at the same time. Humour is fine, honestly. Here's something funny. I called him four hours ago because I said I would contact him today. He hasn't called back. Methinks he might be feeling very sorry for himself because I didn't welcome him back with open arms. WTF.

By the way, I would always offer to help him. We are in the very privileged position of living in Asia where hired help is affordable. I have a 'daily'. She could cook. I could drive him to hospital. I know I couldn't turn my back on him. It's just deciding whether to remain married or not. It's a biggie.

Night-night. Try to rest and not stress about all of this.

Yes, he probably thought you would have him move back in immediately. That is just the way these WS's are. Remember when mine tried to move back in right before Christmas 2 years ago? And he still had the OW. He informed me that he would get rid of her AFTER he was back living with me.

I did have a shot at recovery. We went MC etc. Nothing seemed to work, I just couldnt get past it and that was making the relationship more and more worse. It horrified me to see/think about how different it all was so I left and ended it before it got even worse. He is still willing to reconcile even though we are Ded.

123Go

Because I'm sensitive to TROLLS and have noticed lately we have had more than average, why are you here? This is a marriage building website yet you come here and tell your story about giving up so quickly...and seem to brag about it...and relish in the fact that you state your spouse wants to repair the marriage even though you're "Ded." Please explain..

Thanks for your sensitivity. You sure built me up tonight...just when I needed it too.

123GO - Please let that comment just slide off your back. I hate it when folks accuse others of being trolls. Who cares? Everyone heals in their own way.

123Go...but you didn't explain. Why are you here? What is it you're looking for? Are you here to help someone else? Who would that be?

Believer...I didn't accuse 123Go of being a TROLL, I said I was sensitive to those who can possibly hurt others. How could 123's story assist someone who is searching for assistance in recovery or dealing with their situation? She claims her H is willing to reconcile yet she doesn't want to because it's "more and more worse." How in this world could that encourage Tummy? Why share that on THIS post?

<<I said I was sensitive to those who can possibly hurt others.>> Live what you preach.

Also, re-read what I wrote and get the proper context.

TT has a decision to make and all I was saying was that if she chose not to reconcile even though her h is now willing, she is not alone there. It is her right and her decision to make..........and there are others that say no and she won't be mean and unforgiving should that be her chosen path.

I don't see any problem with someone who chooses not to reconcile after being betrayed.

Believer..I see nothing wrong with someone who chooses not to reconcile either. I never said I did. I too have chosen not to reconcile but you don't see me on here leading the troops to follow. I think encouragement to explore the possibility of reconciliation is in the best interest of all involved. Before anyone exists a marriage, all avenues should be explored and every effort exhausted.

123..TT knows full well that she doesn't have to reconcile. She doesn't have to be told that. I just don't understand your agenda. Why are you here? You've been here such a short time (a few weeks) and when I read your first post on D/D, I found it odd. You come to a Marriage Builders website and speak of the end of your marriage and lack of interest in working toward restoration. Now you're on G/C doing the same thing. Do you understand Marriage Builders principles and the Harley's and others' efforts in helping people keep their marriages together?

WH came. Won't talk about the A. Said it's over. I asked him if he'd consider MC and he said, "If I won't talk to you I won't talk to them, will I?" I told him it would be a lot cheaper than divorce.

I told him to go away and when he is completely 100% finished with his A and has made a firm commitment to NC, then I will take it from there. Clueless and entitled at the moment.

The good things were he asked for my forgiveness and told me he missed me. TT

Wow, that made me feel all warm and fuzzy, how about you?

It sounds like you are in a good place, you are good by yourself and there doesn't seem to be any reason to change that - right now at least. I will be interested to see if your WH can come up with a more convincing arguement for reconciliation.

Jean, my husband is a hopeless communicator, always has been and I knew that when I married him. Obviously I need him to make a huge effort to try to change that because lack of communication was so prominent in our failed marriage. English people are much much more reserved about 'opening up'. It's not cool, men don't need help kind of attitude. Bob Pure could back me up on this, I'm sure.

I'm not defending him. He didn't come close to making me want him back in the house. But we talked and that is a start, regardless of the finish. TT

PS - the warm and fuzzy bit made me LOL. I knew you'd all like that comment about MC!

I am glad that you weren't offended by my post.

For me personally, I am enjoying the place I am in. Instead of the frantic thinking of "how can I win him back", I have shifted into "what would he have to do to win me back".

I won't be someone that WH "settles" for again.

I am glad that you and WH are opening that door and taking a look inside though.

TT - if my post hurt/offended you in any way, I am truly sorry. That was certainly not my intent.

"The good things were he asked for my forgiveness and told me he missed me."


Door 1: He really means it.

Door 2: He wants something from you.


It's behind door 2, way more likely than not.


Added:

"If I won't talk to you I won't talk to them, will I?" "I told him it would be a lot cheaper than divorce"


Yeah, ask him if he will talk to lawyers, then. They are a lot less expensive than MC, aren't they...

No advice. Just some support....((((((TT)))))

You sound very---sound. Tough smart lady with her head on straight, no wonder he misses you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there!