I'll do the transplant with a 100% off financial discount (please keep in mind that I am NOT formally trained in transplant surgery) all for a cup of starbucks coffee and a grilled chicken salad ....

LM

Reality is not how things 'were', or how they 'will be' or how we 'will like it to be'. It is how things are NOW. Face your reality and make the best decisions you can from there. Make your decisions for you and your kids, not for him. He has done enough of that for himself already. Don't you think?

My CH (and Lemonman, I really think that's a great way to put it) spent 15 years as a cripple. When I was pregnant with our oldest, he began having hip problems. The situation deteriorated until he was nearly immobile. He listened to the doctors who said to wait as long as possible to have a hip replacement. Meanwhile, while he muscled his body around and was in nearly constant pain, I raised our children, kept the household together and did nearly everything to make things easier for him. It was difficult. He couldn't walk for long distances. He couldn't carry his babies. He was cranky and self-medicating with beer. And yet, he continued with a high pressure, intense job. I resented his disability. I wanted him to fix his hips. I wanted my kids to have a normal, active dad. Six years ago, he had his hip replacements.

When he left, he still has his cripple mentality. Still has and uses a handicapped parking pass. Perhaps in leaving us, he feels he is recapturing this lost time. Time he decided to steal from our family. DD says his event in the corporate eco-challenge he will attend this month will be a scavenger hunt. We're all proud.

TT, think very, very hard before being saddled with a man who wants you perhaps for your nursing skills. Is this how you want to spend your life? Do you love him enough to keep up with what it takes to nurse a seriously ill person? After transplants, people often lead very normal lives. Any reassurances he'll stick around after that?

Be careful.

Lemonman - someone on my thread "Anyone else divorced their WS for a 1 time PA? I did." in the divorcing/divorced forum, mentioned that you might have some good points to contribute there. Will you please take a read if/when you have some time? I would appreciate it. Thanks in advance.

LM - I have insurance to cover my costs. But you do know which one is the kidney, right?

Thanks for your kind offer.

TT

I didn't want to say to much having not gone through this except for long separations due to my H work.

However I can say I understnd being uneasy with the idea of your H coming home after so long.
talking alone with him, of being alone with him after so long. I feel the same I'm not exactly sure why but there it is.

As Bob & others have said..take it slow and ask questions .. it seems hopeful that he recognises you are 'home' regardless of the house move etc. Look before leaping just as you are of doing.

I'm happy for you though <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> & pray it will work out the best for you & kids!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

GG:

That was a great post by you above, but it should also be known that even in the "best of circumstances", a transplant recipients "normal" life is all relative.

There is a reason that we call the dialysis units the "killing fields".

Antirejection meds and the real reality of a repeat transplant are everyday realities for a transplant recipient. For this reason alone, sometimes people are DENIED a transplant because it is felt that there is not enough familial and/or psychological support.

LM

HUH???...."which one"? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Even a plumber (makes more money than me by the way<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />) knows that there is only one kidney (or was that spleen?), so there wouldn't even be a question of which one....at least I don't think.

Let me look it up in my Gray's Anamtomy textbook.

LM

Bwahahaaaaa!!!! You got me there.

There's got to be two, for me to give one away.

I feel sick to my stomach reading these replies. I can't believe it is my life here I'm looking at. I need IC. TT

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{TT}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm not a great one for advice but I sure know how to give a hug.

LM, the killing fields remark was a tad insensitive. He's TT's girls' dad even if he is a CS.

We have a world famous (ok Europe and Australasia) famous rugby player here who is doing just fine after a kidney transplant. He thought he'd go back to international rugby but, yes, that was optimistic.

TT, you need to talk with him face to face. Ask him the hard questions that everyone's asked here.

I also have to agree that the "reason" for coming back is not what you should base your decision on - unless he really is looking for a nurse.

The reason I came back (not that I physically left) is that I was dumped by the OM. If you used the "reason" for coming back as a criterion I'd be out on my ear.

Hmmm... elsewhere on this board I've read that it's better if the WS dumps the OP. Could you please clarify?


RT., I don't hav emy SAA nearby right now, but the first case in thebook gave me great hope. The WW only returned when OM dumped her finally. Harley says it doesn;t matter how the A ends and NC is supporte as long as it does.

Whats good about OP dumping WS is one side of the NC is more likely to be reinforced.

In my case OM dropped Squid like hot sh1t when I exposed him. Squid was quite haughty and mean when she came back, because as LM says "her options thinned out", but as Harley says it gave me the chance to plan A.

I've seen many examples on these boards of WS trying toi end it, and still carrying a flame of hope for the A when recovery gets tough, and I've seen sits where WS was dumped which have worked out great - KiwiJ is a great example of this that gave me huge hope in my own sit back in the day.

Whatever stops the A and brings them home can be used for recovery if the BS wants to.

Can't stop crying today. Think I'm worse than Dday. We need to talk face to face, I know that.

I think I had started to fantasise about a new and better future without him. I'm jealous that he got the chance to fall in love again. I remember how wonderful those feelings were. Ever the optimist. But really - it's a gamble isn't it? He is the classic "OMG, the last person on earth who would have done that" kind of guy. He's always been a hard worker and great provider for us. I appreciate that. My life, apart from his crap, has been charmed compared to that of my parents.

Despite his wrongdoing, I don't think I could live with myself if something bad happened to him and I hadn't given him a chance to come home. So maybe I do have a character defect. My heart says no but my head says yes. I feel totally f*ked up today but once in two years isn't doing too badly I suppose.

But I don't think I'm made of the stuff for marital recovery. I'm from the Lemonman school of thought but you lot humble me sometimes with your forgiveness.

I'll know more when we have spoken again. I'm not rushing into anything. I'm dreading it. TT

Kiwi, thanks for the super duper big hug. Needed it. I know about Jonah Lomu as well. I thought he still played though - no?

TT:

1st off, let me apologize for the "killing fields" remark, that was actually much more than a "tad" insensitive, and is not meant for public consumption. I am sorry.

I am also sorry if it was my posts that turned this thread into a more painful process of having to face this and ruined the "fantasy" you were having thinking about it all.

BUT, let me clarify one thing for you and others. This is at least the third post made on here regarding the "Lemonman" school of "thought" on this...that seems to imply a lack of compassion or a lack of forgiveness for people from me, or a lack of "goodness" and that one should be humbled by others for not being like them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Those types of sentiments are hurtful and I feel disrespectful to me.

It is not a lack of "compassion" that allows me to stand on my feet all night and put some guys disembowled gut back together. It is not a lack of "caring" that lets me sleep on the bed side chair at the bed side of a 38 year old mom of three who hangs on to life after a large motor vehicular accident....simply because I promised her son that I would watch his mom all night if he would go home and sleep for 6 hours. It is not a lack of forgiveness that allows me to take a murderer (killed a policeman who was also a father two 2 children) to to the OR at 3 am and repair his bleeding chest that was induced by bullets that police rightfully shot at him while he committed armed robbery.

So, please, don't say "Lemonman" school of thought, and apologize for it. I may not save marriages, I may not be able to bring home cheating spouses with an hour counseling session, and I may not be able to gleefuly support someone else doing so either....BUT that does not mean I lack compassion, caring or "goodness". They are not one in the same.

L

LM - please don't read anything disrespectful into my posts today. I GREATLY appreciate your honesty. Your views are a bit different from many here, but I follow your name around the board because I love reading your point of view. I am glad you took the time to post to me. TT

Lemonman,

"There are plenty of people who need compassion in life...NOT an unrepentant Cheating Spouse who has "come back around" cause his options have thinned out."

I couldn't agree more with your point of view. I have been posting here for a while, but this is the first time I disclose my profession. I am a clinical psychologist and I also consider myself to be a compassionate and caring person.

I see so many people here who mistake dysfunction for compassion... I don't think there is anything wrong with loving yourself more than your CS. I don't think that there is anything wrong with refusing to compromise integrity, moral values, principles and dignity.

That's great. Thanks for clarifying, Bob. Cheers!

Orchid: U r in turmoil. Quite normal for this type of sitch.


Orchid: That type of fanatasizing sets the BS up to fail. Been there done that. The good thing is u r smart enough to see and admit it. Now you can work on you. Remember, you need recovery also. That is why it is better to set the expectations on him and not you make his recovery for him. Don't set yourself up to fail. Let him prove his value to you and your family. It will take a conditioning of the mind & the heart. I will clarify that reason below.


Orchid: U don't have a 'character defect', you have a heart trying desparately to save a M, to save his soul. Just remember where his heart and mind have been......kidnapped bhy the aliens/mothership. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Learn to differniate so you know when u r dealing with your H vs the Xws. Treat each character separately. That's reverse babble. Don't be afraid to give him back his babble.... I used to tell my Xws straight to his face that he was babbling and to please stop and rephrase that in english. LOL!!! If he wouldn't stop babbling, I'd walk away. He'd get mad but who was he going to yell at? I was just out of shouting range and refused to engage with a babbling idiot.


Orchid: This is why u still are in turmoil. Putting your mind and heart in sync is vital to your personal recovery. Once it does, it will empower to endure and move forward despite where the Xws is in his recovery stage. You will learn to give him back his guilt Whether by reverse babble or some other means, you will refuse to allow him to enable you and your family to take his guilt. For me, I keep plan B in my back pocket and have had to pull it out a few times. Now when I do, it is as a reminder, not a threat. A reminder that the WS taught us how to live without him and so we can make it without him. His need for his family in reality is greater than our need for him. That is the scar of the A. That is reality. That is also why he had to come back to us not visa versa.

Be patient, your mind and heart will sync up. Even if you know this is what you must do, this syncing stuff takes, time. You can't even rush yourself, but you can expect it and make it your goal.


Orchid: U most certainly are made of stuff for recovery. It is your CHOICE whether you want to apply it to your M or not. Be patient.

BTW, LM is a realist and that is a good thng. I respect his POV. U know what? If I ever needed emergency care, I'd much rather it be someone like LM than a WS. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />


Orchid: Good not to rush. Sit back....let it come to you and when it does, don't act anxious. Practice 'not looking anxious and reverse babble' in the mirror. I did. In the comfort of my bathroom, with the windows closed.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.