How is your day going?

In my thoughts...so glad TDR stepped in with very wise advice. She knows. She's been there longer. Just what you needed to hear, I think.

LA

Sorry I didn't get back on yesterday, but I had to keep myself busy. As I thought, He did not call or come by. I called him just to see if he would answer and he didn't. I know he just decided to avoid my call because the cell phone was turned on and he did not answer it.

Well I decided to forget about him and move on with my life. The message he sent me by not answering his phone knowing yesterday was our aniversary and not calling today was very clear. He doesn't give a d**n! so why should I care. Why should I pursue someone who think that less of our marriage and me?

All I wanted was to have a productive marriage with this man and raise our children together. He act as if there is no other person involved in the drama accept himself. He is not thinking about our children or me. Oh I forgot, he doesn't think.

Again, I am now going to live my life as if he doesn't exist. I will not call him for any reason at all regardless of the circumstances. I will handle it myself. I think it is time for plan B because I am having major withdrawals from my love bank. In fact it is beginning to turn into hate and I don't want that to happen. He can now visit the kids at my aunts if he wish to see them.

I don't have any desire to see him because I don't have anything pleasant to say to him at all. I feel like this is a nightmare that I cannot be awaken from. Please Pray for me!

Blondie33

blondie.
It sounds like your WH has a big drug problem.
he shows all the signs. You should try reading on the addiction recovery board. Make sure you protect your baby's.
You could ask that he be tested before visitation is ordered.
In one of your posts you did say he gets high to deal w/ problems.
His actions suggest something stronger.
Do you have the resources to get a PI? Do you have to have an address to have him served w/ CS papers?
I am sorry for being so fowored w/ out even introducing my self but your thread reminded me of my past with my H.
He left the same way and we had 2 kids 1yr and 6month and I was 1month preggers He left in the middle of the night .
He did not take anything w/ him and he left the state.
I did not see or here from him for 5 months.

praying for you and your children
monny
xoxoxoxoxoxo

Monny,

How similar both our WH acted. How could they live with themselves knowing the heartache and grief it can and did cause us and the children? To answer your question, I cannot afford a PI to find out where he is going and what he is doing. I know he more than likely visits his father's house and I used that address for the child support. I think he maybe hiding out there because all of a sudden they stopped answering the phone when I call (my FIL and his GF).

My FIL's GF use to call me everyday several times a day and all of a sudden it stopped. When I called her she told my FIL she didn't want to talk to me. My FIL in return doesn't answer the phone either all of a sudden. I know they are there especially on the weekends because they never go anywhere. So I stopped calling. Why are they all of a sudden acting so coldly towards me? They already know the deal about what happened between my H and I and was very supportive to me until recently.

I don't know what drugs he is taking or what he is doing anymore. I did find out when he was at his job, he asked another co-worker about some pain pills (#4's) if you know what drug I am speaking of. Apparently he is use to buying them from his co-worker because he told him no that he had some #3's and not #4's. He did not take any pain killers when he was at home. This is some kind of habit he picked up once he left.

Did you and your WH get back together? If so, did he say why it took him so long to contact you and return home? How is your marriage now? Sorry for all of the questions.

Blondie33

NO don't be sorry !!!
I love to share our life if it can help someone who is going through the pain of addiction. My H's drug was METH
the king of all addictions. We struggled for 4 years it was a habit he picked up when he was about 18yrs old.
But after the birth of our 1st son it started controlling his life.
he would go to the store for diapers and disappeared for 9 or 10 hours.
He became very abusive and hit me. At that point he quit .
He started going to church and got counseling.
Everything was OK until we found out I was preggers w/ our 3 child. He relapsed after he left the first week he told me he had quit again but refused to move out of the bad neighborhood he had moved into/
He was drinking and smoking pot eating zannys and tabs
He said they helped w/ withdraws. The next week he was gone and I did not hear from him for 7 months.
His mom and dad knew where he was at and lied to me every time I called them.
They knew I almost lost DD and did not even bother to tell him.
You can tell where there loyalty's were ((Not me and their grandchildren))
when he finely returned We worked hard and things were OK for another year.
Then in march of 02 he relapsed again one time.
While he was high he and my cousin were working on my cousin's car on our front deck and caught our house on fire.
we lost everything my H was burned on 38% of his body 3rd DREGREE.
He spent a month in a burn center that is where the doctors told me his drug test was positive. He has
not touched drugs since that day.

He now helps others he goes to churches and treatment centers to inspire others and to show them there is hope.
I also go to help families of adttics.


well that is the short version of our lives together.
I hope it helped a little if you want to know any thing just ask me.
I am very open about this and would love to help if I can.


monny
xoxoxoxoxo

Monny,
It sounds like your H did not have an A. At least the only demon you had to face was drugs. You knew what was causing your H to behave the way he was and something you could at least try to handle. Don't get me wrong, I know that drugs alone can be pure he11 to deal with and put a tremendous spin on your life. All I am saying at least you knew what you were fighting, I don't.

I have no idea why he decided to walk away from us the way he did. From what I could see, he is not doing well out there in LaLa Land than he thought he would. Even still he remains out there to continue his voyage with no regards to me or our children. I am almost certain he is having an A even though I cannot prove it. It is showing itself.

He has his family lying for him as well. I believe he is now living with his dad because all of a sudden they have not answered the phone when I call. I use to call over there on a regular just to say hello and check on him. I have stopped calling and said the he11 with them.

I don't need those kind of people in my life especially when I have not done anything to them. I guess it is just a big joke to them all of the s**t I am going through.This is how they conduct themselves when there is a conflict going on. How mature is that. They can laugh now, but I will be the one with the final joke! What do you think about all of this mess?

Blondie33

Calling all the veterans,

I really need some answers to questions I think you may have the answer to. How do you Plan A your WS when you don't see him? How can you fix it when he is not around? I have no way to contact him except through his cell phone which he does not answer when I call.

Why is he behaving so poorly? We were getting along fine up until the day he left. I was not aware we were having problems. I just came home from the hospital from having our second son and all of this drama caught me completely off guard. When he left I did not even know he was leaving. He said he was going to a friends house and he would be back that has been 3 months ago.

The sad part was we were only married for 9 months when all of this happened. We were in a relationship for 4 years prior to the marriage. The only thing he has said to justify him leaving was that he needed his space to work on himself. He has not done alot of working because he is in the same situation as he was before he walked out. If he does't want to be with me anymore, why don't he just divorce me or at least tell me if he is having an A?

When I try to bring the topic up about the M, and want to know what are we planning to do about it he usually shy away from and say yeah we can talk about it face to face. He never comes over to do that. What is he so afraid of telling me? I really need some advice from anyone who is willing to help! Thanks in advance.

Blondie33

My H did have 2 A's
1st a PA then an EA. I use to focus on the A's but now I
focus on the problems that lead up to the A's.
We have studied MB concepts and added them to what we have learned in MC and IC.
Are M is stronger now that we put all our focus on us and our marriage.

If your H is staying at his dads why can you not go there when his car is there?
Have you asked him straight out if he wants divorce?
Do you want to D?

monny
xoxoxoxoxo

You have options, Blondie...

You can hire a PI and get answers.

You can file for legal seperation because you have been abandoned. That isn't divorce, it is reality.

You take your actions based on what you know. Which isn't anything at all, really. You might have to publish in order to have him served. Just do it.

What does his family say? His father? Siblings?

Ask your own family for support in getting answers.

Stop calling entirely. Make your choices. When you can have contact and know more, then you can Plan A.

You might want to retitle your thread to get the vets to come to this thread.

Thinking of you,

LA

Thank you Monny and LovingAnyway for your response.

Quote:
If your H is staying at his dads why can you not go there when his car is there?

His car is there because it is not running. It has been there for a few months now.

Quote:
Have you asked him straight out if he wants divorce?
Do you want to D?

Yes, he said he don't know what he wants to do. He is confused. No I don't want a D, but if I have to go there I will.

Quote:
You can hire a PI and get answers.

I can't afford one.

Quote:
You can file for legal seperation because you have been abandoned. That isn't divorce, it is reality.

About how much does it cost to get a legal seperation? I am in Michigan.

Quote:
What does his family say? His father? Siblings?

His mother is really not happy with what is going on. At least she appears to be that way towards me. She said she wish she could make him do the right thing, but she can't he is an adult. She also says she come at him about this everytime he comes around. She says he mumbles things and really does not respond. She also stated that he has not told her his whereabout either. She thinks he believes she will tell me where he is.

His father is another story. He claims to be on my side and want him to do the right thing for me and the kids sake. BUT, like I said in an earlier post all of a sudden he is not answering the phone or anything when I call. He has done a 360 on me all in the last past three weeks. I know he lied to me about my H being over there because like I said earlier he had tp come over ther to put the plate in the window of his car. He is the only one that has a key to it and I know he did not leave it there with his dad.

So now it appears he is covering up for him and condoning his sick and twisted ideas of walking out on his family. He only has one sister and she lives in Alabama. She does not come around very much and they aren't that close.

I just don't know what to do anymore. It seems to be a losing battle. Again advice is needed. Sorry it is so long. I had alot to say.

Blondie33

Blondie33,

I am a Michigan Attorney and I live in the Detroit Area. I do not practice Divorce Law but may be able to help you out with some things.

Feel free to contact my wife and I at our email address below.

Mr. Wondering

ps - We are leaving town Sunday...so kind of hectic around here. Sorry if my responses get delayed.

Thank you MrWondering. I will definitely contact you and your wife. I hope you both can lead me in the direction of a good attorney so I can proceed with this seperation.

Blondie33

All right blondie...heres my opinion..

you can not plan B because you have not been in any type of plan A...

you can not plan A because your husband is using scheduled narcs and that puts you and the children at great risk financially and safety wise...

plan A does not work on addicts...

Also he abandoned a new born a week old...he is dangerous...

you need to seek legal counsel today....

you need to pursue supervised visits...or something along the lines of safety and preservation of the childrens well being first

how old are ALL the children involved...

you need to STOP ALL RELATIONSHIP TALK>>>
it is pointless and futile...


you need to get your financial house in order...
you need to get your childrens emotional fall out in order...

seek counseling for and with them...to understand the choas...do your three children have their father in their life...

the withdrawing of a father figure can have huge huge effects..

you need to focus on damage control..
this is not the time for plan B letters
this is not the time for huge no contact marching orders..

you have to move slowly and assess this..

this is NOT about yours and his relationship this is about perserving the children and protecting them...

for any type of serious reconcilliation he must attend a recovery program....

and that is a way off right now...

how are you and the children that is your focus...


you need to STOP ALL RELATIONSHIP TALK

you need to take all focus off of him

you need to go to alanon...

do you see
you and the children right now
damage control

no relationship talk..
you need a professional assessment on how to proceed that will be least damaging to the children..

ARK

Thank you Ark for your input. What you said made alot of sense. At this point I have decided to end all relationship talk with him. I am going to email MrWonering and his wife for some help since he is an attorney here in Detroit where I live. I am going to file for legal seperation as soon as I get all the details on what to do.

I hate it had to come to this, but he left me NO choice. I agree I have to protect myself and my children from this chaos. My children are 4 sons ages 3 months, 2, 14, and 15 daughter 11. Thank God my children have their fathers in thier life. My two older sons have the same father and daughter has her father. The two youngest children are my H's.

I am not getting the seperation to try and get a reaction out of him. I am doing because it's something that MUST be done. He need to legally remove himself from our lives. What I don't understand is why haven't he filed? You would think that is something he would do based on his actions. I guess it would be cheaper for me to do it. Unless he don't think that I would. He is in for a MAJOR shock if that's what he thinks.

I don't love anyone more than I love myself and my kids so he can keep stepping. I am filing the legal seperation because it is cheaper than divorce right now. And besides, I am about to invest in purchasing rental properties and don't want him to be able to get anything from it when I am able to file for divorce.

After reading most of the posts here, I see my situation is the same, but yet different. Most people here have contact with the WS to plan A/plan B them. I don't. I have inlaws that is helping him act in this childish and immature manor by playing games along with him. I say the H*LL with them too. They just became that way or maybe they have been that way all along and was just lying about being angry with him and wanting him to do whats right for us.

I am relying on my own family for help now and has removed anyone who is related to him from my circle. The kids and I are doing fine. Sorry this is so long!! Again, I thank everyone that has given me their advice and anyone who's willing to give me their support. I am seeking advice from anyone at this point.

Blondie33

Your situation is different because their is substance abuse...

and must be addressed before real marraige building can take place...

you cant rebuild a marriage with someone who is stoned...

you could get contact...thats not the issue.....
but it is contact with an abuser....

no point

ARK

what's going on blondie...

ARK<

I text message my H today and asked him if he was free next week to sign the legal seperation papers so we can notarize it to be filed with the courts. He texted me back and said sign what? I again said the legal seperation papers. He did not respond to me again.

All I am trying to do is move on with my life and leave him to his. I requested the seperation due to my wanting to invest in rental properties. I don't want it to be apart of the marital assets. I am trying to provide assets for my children and myself that will benefit us in the future. Am I wrong for wanting to do that?

Blondie33

No u r not. When a BS chooses separation or D, it is their choice. You already stated you have valid reasons. Move forward with your decision but it maybe better to not text him but get him with you and a reliable 3rd party so these types of questions can be asked.

It may come to signing stuff off t/b done or discussed in front of a lawyer or mediator. He may NOT want to do what you are asking so it maybe better NOT to tell him what t/d. Be creative in your tactic and get him to the table with a 3rd party he can't manipulate, then present your case.

JMHO,
L.

He finally texted me back today after I texed him asking for a response earlier. He replied by asking me if he can get a copy to go over before he signs them. He then asked about the kids and said he missed them. I then told him it was only one copy and we had to go over it, fill it out, sign it, and take it to be notarized together. After that I can file it with the courts so it can be on record.

He texted me back and said glad you and the kids are doing great. I will see you soon. I thought I would have gotten a response to the situation regarding the seperation, but didn't. I texed him once again to tell him I wanted out and that he was right that our marriage is not working. I didn't get a response to that one.

What type of games are he playing? I was under the impression that we were not going to reconsile.(we have been seperated now for 3 months and he said you can't put a time limit on him being gone, he is not feeling the married life, etc etc etc).

I thought by giving him what he wanted(him trying to find himself, learning how to do for himself and pretty much doing whatever it is he wants to do)he would be estatic about it and gladly sign the papers. It sounds like he is finding reasons to not sign them. Am I reading to much into this or am I on to something? How can he say he miss the kids when he don't see them because he choose not to?

Blondie33

Do you think he is seeking advice from friends to say to me?

Blondie33