Post deleted by Cherished

LA,

I have not erased any posts...just doing my best to Plan A on a daily basis and elminate LBs. I would be lying to say that things are not strained. However, W and I are working on our intimacy problems and we are beginning to understand each other. I am looking forward to counseling next Monday.

Thanks everyone for all your input. How things go forward for us may not be liked by some...but our problems are very uncommon and it is our marriage to save. We are both commited to doing just that. You see, I spent a lot of time typing out what I needed to say yesterday. IT was all about me setting my boundaries with her. She was aggravated but cooperative. In the end, I hugged her and told her how happy I was. I fully expected to be filing divorce papers after the conversation. I was so surprized....my W loves me and wants to love only me.....words cannot describe how wonderful that makes me feel.

I hope my Stosny book arrives today. It is about time for me to work on my anger issues. I also promised my best friend that I would call Al-Anon to see if they can help me with this also.

With happy thoughts,
Chris

Yeah, I figured out it wasn't you when Cherish's post showed up. It's a time thing on MB lists...shows an update, and then no post. Happens once in awhile.

Thought I was being smart! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm still with ya, Chris. Would like to help with the strain part, of course, but it is your choice.

Do you set your expectations so you will be surprised? I'm curious...if you prejudge her response, reaction...would that be a DJ?

LA

It is time for you to get into Plan B, Chris. And it's time for you to understand that your wife is not currently THERE. She's living elsewhere in her head and heart. It is time for you to get completely firmly grounded. It is time for you to stop screaming and ranting and crying and complaining.

It is time for you to be a grownup.

Time for a calm conversation with her about the marriage that you want and need with her.

It is time to say, quietly, "I will not cooperate with actions that destroy our marriage. I care for you very much and I care for our marriage and I want it to work. This is harmful."

And then it's time to focus on actions.

Talk to me about how you plan to implement Plan B.

And yes, read the Stosny book backwards and fowards and DO WHAT IT SAYS to get yourself grounded.

And remember, there is NOWHERE that it requires you to be a doormat. Not in any of this.

It does require you, however, to be a grownup. And that's even harder.

bump

Chris? You bumped Just J's post?

I'm confused. I'm on vacation, so maybe that's why I'm confused.

LA

Thinking of you and your wife, Chris.

LA

Thanks LA, I have not been here for awhile as things have moved well beyond where they were. I am working on my divorce filing. My last post was really the end of my marriage. I came to the realization that my W could no longer have any intimate contact with me and that we had been nothing more than roomates for a long time. This was the time that I moved into the third bedroom.

I am on anti-depressents and that has helped alot. W is now very romatically attached to her married GF. We have agreed to part as friends so we can share in the raising of our son. She has agreed to shared custody so we will have to live very close to each other for the next six years or so.

LA, I really appreciate all the efforts that you and other MBers have given me. It means alot. The TGT part of my struggle is where things really get weird. If you see anyone else in a similar sitch...please point him to a Yahoo Group called MMTL. There is loads of support there about trying to keep your marriage going despite homosexuality. Even though mine did not work out, the companionship from talking to people in similar situations really helps.

I will try and drop by every once in a while. I really need to get over the Divorced/Divorcing thread and see what is going on there.

Best Regards,
Chris

I am sorry to hear the latest. Have you contacted the OW's husband? Is this OW also willing to leave her husband and marriage? Maybe by exposing to her husband the pressure will be too much for her and your wife. I wish you luck.

Thank you, Chris, for coming back and updating.

"We have agreed to part as friends so we can share in the raising of our son." Please know that you can share the raising of your dear son without being friends. Call it something else, please. Respectful strangers...because there is no intimacy. Your WW chose her life...do not befriend for your son. Civility is not friendship.

And I'm with Bryan...did you re-expose or expose? I know you were actually in their house, weren't you, on the trip?

Please stay active here on MB...learning more about you, sharing what you've learned and holding yourself accountable to your own truth.

And "bump" your last post, was really the end of your marriage...that's different.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I won't go there...because I have a cruel side in humor I've got to hold back on a leash.

You know you did everything possible (if that includes exposure)...and your head is yours, so hold it up...light your life...stay true to yourself, don't date, don't look around and don't let relationships sneak up on you...until you're formally divorced and separate, okay?

Thank you so much for having me with you, Chris. My honor. My privilege.

LA

So, Bryan...did you miss my thread to you? I respect your choice not to answer...just occurred to me that you might not have seen it.

LA

It has been a while since I have been here. Not a lot of changes though. It is clear that my wife's homosexuality is the problem. The issue of whether or not to have a girl friend is her choice (which she is happily making come true). We have told our son that a divorce is coming. He took it quite well as I have been keeping him as informed as I can for a 12 year old. The GW (Gay Wife) prefers to keep secrets of course.

I have found myself and I am moving on. It is clear that GW cannot handle any physical contact with me. Interestingly enough, the open marriage that I thought that I would never really need has helped me. I have been dating a wonderful woman that I have known for over a year. Never considered seeing her until things went to h3ll. I know that many of you will not approve of this. Everyone has their opinions but very few people here have had to deal with a gay wife coming out. I am well aware of the complications and I have made the active choice to pursue this relationship.

This wonderful lady knows my sitch in detail and still choses to be with me. She is everything that my GW is not. Funny, I have not had any phyiscal contact with her at all! But it does not matter, the emotional connection is blooming. One positive thing is that she is a lovely Christian woman. I just hope that all this mess is "God moving in mysterious ways".

-Chris

Hi, Chris,

Thanks for the update.

What I hear is anger and resentment, rejection, coming from deep pain. And I hear the antidote to that is an EA.

This isn't about approval/disapproval...this is me mourning what might have been a solid relationship for you, which you are dooming to failure, rebound, usury...because you didn't wait.

You are walking in your GW's shoes...stay aware of all the reasoning, justification, resentment, entitlement and lack of respect. You are choosing your life...

because you wanted so deeply to be chosen.

Keep me in mind over the next year, when you see a lot of what was in your GW emerge in your OW...so that you understand more of what is in you, your own needs, perspective and beliefs. Healing self takes a long time...even longer, when you continue to betray self.

I believe in you. I know God is there for you every moment...I know it in my own bones. This doesn't make you bad or wrong...your choices are yours. Your own integrity...hurts losing...or denying...and you already know, what you will do to yourself, you will do to others.

May I ask you if we did not affirm your pain enough? Acknowledge how you felt erased from existence by your WW's deception? Betrayal? Was this what I side-stepped...because your pain was felt in me, stunning me, and I ran?

Did I not emphasize enough that you were already chosen, worthy, valuable and whole...where your own self-betrayal was most deadly?

I am not asking for your forgiveness for my lacking...you had a lot of lessons in sharing your life with me...and I wanted to ask for one more.

LA

I'm so sorry that you've chosen this path, Chris. I have been down more of it than you may understand, and I can assure you that seeing someone else will not solve your problem. It will only extend it and make it harder to resolve, in the end. I sincerely hope that you can find peace. If you need to divorce to do that, then I'm very sorry. But it is understandable.

Please, though, do not "find" someone else to comfort you through this. It's a choice that is truly unwise. And, as LA mentioned, it is also infidelity. You may think your wife already did it so it "doesn't matter." Trust me on this, though. It does matter.

In my prayers, Chris...

Hope to hear from you.

LA