Georgina,

U can see that 2? Sorry your 1st post took off in the worng direction. I have been on MB for about 5 years and this type of direction doesn't happen that often. Gotta tell you though, that you asked a very general question and those kinds are bound to take off in many different directions.

Like Mel suggested, howz about doing another thread with a more specfic question or comment. A bit more info on your sitch would help us help you more.

Don't give up. This is hard stuff. Like good medicine, it may taste bitter but if it is good medicine taken correctly and right for out sitch, then we do get better.

BTW, a few of the responding posters were attempting to discourage the direction of the post but some other posters are just stubborn??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Try again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

I understand MB very well but Marriage Builders is not applicable to your situation. It's unhealthy to be hurt by someone having lunch with your spouse.

Why do you say one thing and practice another?

Why do you think MB is not applicable to her situation?

Please explain.

Marriage Builders is not just about recovering from an affair- it is on affair proofing your marriage.

Because her H having lunch with a friend at work hurt her feelings.

Perhaps if we just quit responding to him, he will go away?

Closeminded?

Yes, to stupidity.

Wow you have some problems. I'm at least 20 years younger than you and I'm surprised at your attacks. Where is your maturity? Do you understand why you posted what you did? Do you know why you're so defensive towards me?

You are so far off base. I suppose you are man, right?

When her husband was having lunch with a female, she was uncomfortable with it. She asked him not to do it. She asked- not demanded.

Her husband led her to believe he was complying with her request. He was not. In that, he lied to her. Surely, you do not condone dishonesty in a marriage do you?

It had nothing to do with having her feelings hurt. It had everything to do with a husband who is in fact disrespecting his wife and their marraige.

Have you read anything on the MB site?

Have you read the resources spoken of on this site?

Do you know that a majority of affairs begin with a friendship that turns into an emotional or physical affair?

If her husband has a strong emotional need for conversation and admiration, he is allowing the woman he has lunch with to meet those needs and in doing that is robbing his wife the honor of meeting those needs.

I see from above you think God ought to be meeting those needs. Let me ask you this, if he is not allowing GOd to meet those needs, who would you suggest meeting them his WIFE or his friend.

It does make me wonder if you are involved with a friend who is meeting some needs that your spouse should be meeting. Is that why you are here, to justify that relationship?

If so, I do hope you will take some time to read the MB site- not just the forums as well as some of the additional resources.

I believe most of us on this site would say that if her husband is having secret lunches with a female friend, he is probably already in the EA stage.

Even if he is not, he is not putting his wife and marriage before his friend.

Mel is not close minded- what she is a huge supporter of MB and all that entails. It is very frustrating for someone to come here to site dedicated to MB and to insist that those who have studied it and lived are off base.

If you think that, why are you here?

Why don't you find a forum that suits your belief system.

This is not a debate forum- it is a forum for encouraging people walking the same path we have walked and are walking.

shadpoo, perhaps you would do well to examine why you feel free to come here and play advisor to folks who are looking for information about MARRIAGE BUILDERS? Especially since you KNOW NOTHING about MB and are not qualified to answer.

This starter of this thread came here for MB advice and you ran her off by imparting your own nonsense that is completely contradictory to MB principles [and simple common sense] You just don't seem to GET THAT.

Why not take a clue and leave the woman alone so she can get some answers to her problems? She did not come here looking for "wisdom" according some unknown kid on the internet named shadpoo. She came here for MARRIAGE BUILDERS advice.

MF: here is what she said:

Ok. right here. Bold: WHAT? How on earth does this make sense? Right here it is clear she has a trust problem. Forget the rest of it.


of course I don't dude, His lying to her was not the best course of action of course. He should have dealt with the issue right there and told her he was doing nothing wrong instead of putting off the confrontation a bit longer.

But I'm saying that there's a large chance that that's all he was doing, putting off the confrontation. Sure he lied, but that doesn't automatically put him in the "having an affair" category. Obviously it increases the chances, but everyone on this board blows it out of proportion.


yes, yes, and yes.

I understand this. But I will point out it seems this only applies to female friends.

His wife.

I'm much more interested in the husband's ability to not have the need met by the wife, have it met by a friend(a male friend?), and still have enough self-control to not destroy his marriage. This is a simplistic example!!! I do not mean this literally, there are way more factors that play into this instead of what I have just said, it would take forever to type them all.

If so, I do hope you will take some time to read the MB site- not just the forums as well as some of the additional resources.

Change it to a male friend for a second. And then the wife says "Your lunch arrangements are hurting me greatly". So to avoid confrontation(a bad move), he instead says he won't anymore. Now he's having secret lunches with a male friend. Is it still an EA?

I agree he shouldn't have lied and that may be a cue, but W DOES have a problem if she finds that H having lunch with a coworker "hurts her greatly".

Im not saying it's off base. MB is perfectly fine, it's excellent, I USE MB. But in THIS particular situation. There's more that can be done than starting on MB alone. And I'm trying to provide that insight. However whenever I try to show that there's another problem that needs to be taken care of along with MB I get attacked.

This is false.

I didn't run anyone off. I'm not in control of her. Having lunch with a coworker is against MB principles, yes I stated that. But it's definately not against common sense.

Serendipity

Unfortunately, you are not qualified to help her and are giving bad advice that is contradictory to MB. She is here for Marriage Builders advice and you haven't the slightest idea what you are talking about.

No one has attacked you, but you should expect to be challenged when you give BAD ADVICE. Again, the sign on the door says MARRIAGE BULDERS, not "wisdom according to shampoo."

Dr Harley is a world reknowned psychologist and successful author who founded the MB program. His program is a world wide success. I sort of doubt you are more qualified than him. In fact, with the poor advice you have been giving, I would have to say you are not even as qualified as most newcomers.

You don't seem to comprehend that you have RUN OFF this newcomer with all your "wisdom." She has LEFT because you would not leave her alone. She came here for MB advice about the MB program and you bombarded her with your nonsense. You are not helping folks by doing that, shadpoo.

You know, a lady comes here to an infidelity section talking about her husband having secret lunch with a female. You tell her she needs to come to qrips with her trust issue. She leaves. Thanks.


When I was young and had only been married a short time, I might have thought like you that hey it must be anything but an inappropriate relationship.

Gosh, I thought that last year when my husband was having an inapropriate relationship. I never thought he would do that. I was wrong.

If anyone should have had trust issues, it should have been me. My dad left my mom for another woman, as did my grandfather. So did my FIL. So did my pastor, the music director. . . shall I go on? Guess what - I had no idea there was anything going on. I had blind trust in my husband. No more.

One more time, this is a marriage builder forum- if you are going to disagree with everything on it, please find another one. Maybe you should go visit www.gloryb.com and click on the pink board. You'll fit in there as they don't subscribe to the MB theory either.


www.gloryb.com pink board ok?

Saying "You could have a trust issue since you were hurt greatly by your husband having lunch with a female coworker(before he was lying!)" is contradictory to MB?


Everyone on this board is giving advice from Dr. Harley. I would have no reason to post if that's all I wanted to do was quote him constantly.

I asked her one question to which she never responded to. I think it would be best for me to ignore everyone but the OP from now on. Btw I cannot run anyone off because I am not in control of her, she left of her own will.

You won't try to comprehend the advice I'm offering. You brush it off as stupid. Put me on ignore if you don't want to see my posts, it's a feature on the forum for a reason.

the problem is people who are new don't know that you are giving out contradictory info and therefore do not know to ignore you.

MF do you disagree with my advice?