Actually, I have so many questions! Once an affair turns physical, how does the couple manage? Do they meet in a parking lot, check into a motel for a few hours, pitch a tent, or what? I have a male friend (married) who has been seeing another woman for about 8 months now. I know they don't go to each other's homes because of the proximity to their places of employment and closeness of one of the spouses. Anyway, I know they meet at a few different places, but don't know where. I am interested in hearing anyone's personal experiences in terms of meeting places and how they were arranged. How soon after admitting an attraction did the affair become physical? Also, after the 'honeymoon' period wears off, how does the affair change? Does it become deeper? Did you only meet for sex? What kept it going? And what made it end?
In this case, the cheating wife, who's had affairs before, claims her husband is "boring." She's a major flirt, gives off strong sexual vibes, and though she is (from what I've seen & heard) very affectionate to the cheating husband, she has a detatched manner about her that is somewhat creepy. My male friend, the cheating husband, is very shy and self-depreciating. This is his first affair. He confided to a mutual friend that he is deeply in love with her and thinks she is the best thing that has ever happened to him. My fear is that he will end up so devestated and damaged by this affair that he will either hurt himself or turn in on himself and never be the same.
Final question: Did anyone's marriage end and did you rekindle a relationship with the cheating spouse? Thanks so much!
LJ [color:"green"] [/color]

endures4evr - No, it's not always sex, though sex is involved when the affair turns physical.


Everywhere and anywhere they think they can get away with it. My wife even used to go on business trips that were really just a few days with him at some rental.

How they "manage" is by becoming expert liars. They have to. But over time, leading a double life is exhausting and draining, both physically and emotionally.



The most common mode of communication today is cell phone. WHERE to meet is usually somewhere near, but not too near, where they can have anonymity...ie. the local "no tell motel" or the back seat of a car or the bed of a truck or van.


No set timeframe, it varies for everyone from immediately to slowly over months. But once there has been an admission of attraction, or especially "love," it's just a matter of time before the "heat of the moment" takes over and the "step into sex" is taken.



Not knowing more about the past, it is possible that she is a sex addict. There are others on the system who have direct experience with SA who can give you better insight in that area.

However, "boring" is no excuse. Marriage is "forsaking all others" period. Besides, if this woman is pastor's wife, then she KNOWS that adultery is forbidden by God and needs serious, professional, Christian counseling from someone trained in counseling. This is a serious problem, particularly if there have been previous adulterous relationships.



Typical fogtalk. They ALL think it's the best, they are "soulmates," it has to be FROM God because it feels so good.....the list goes on and on, but it's the same old record of self delusion and justification.

Your friend IS going to get hurt, and hurt badly. So is his wife and everyone around him, including any children. THAT is the real nature of these selfish "feel good" affairs. He needs to get out of the affair NOW if he can.



Other will have to comment. Mine is recovering.

God bless.

Thank you so much for your insight and your candidness. I admire your dedication to your marriage and devotion to your wife. It must have been extremely difficult! And I'm sure you both have your days of sadness and mistrust. Bless your hearts!
I've thought about sending my friend some of the Marriage Builders' publications. What do you suggest would be the most 'to-the-point' (he's not much of a reader)? Also, he doesn't have a cell phone or computer. He's as far from "techie" as you can get!
Thanks again!
LJ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

If your friends are cheating on their spouses you should tell them that you can't remain friends unless they end their affairs. Give them a chance to confess to their spouse and if they don't then you inform the betrayed spouse.

If you are married, beware of friendships with opposite sex persons, where either of you discuss any disatisfaction with your spouse or any other intimate conversation.

Stand up what what is right and against that which is immoral...infidelity.

Book recommendations for friend: Surviving an Affair and His Needs Her Needs both by Dr Willard Harley.

FH, me speaking as an FWW, you've summed it up in a nutshell.

If you want to send me an email at mbforeverhers@yahoo.com I will email you a couple of pamphlets that our Christian Marriage Counselor gave us when we began recovery.

One is called "What Do You Do When Your Marriage Goes Sour?" and another is called "Marriage, Whose Dream?"

I would consider giving a copy to your friend and a copy to the Pastor.

If any of them want to avail themselves of trained Christian counseling, I can provide you a link to a national organization of Christian Counselors where you can search for counselors in your part of the country. Many of them provide free counseling as part of their ministry.

God bless.

We spoke on the phone for many hours a day, so time-frame-wise, we had SF fairly quickly, but we had an accelerated time to get to know each other. It was not like having 1-2 dates/week where you talk for an hour and then see a movie. All we were doing was talking--constantly, everyday.
The A changed because I did not want to lose my H. OM was never the man my H is. I appreciated what he did for me, but in some ways I was using him because I never intended to leave my H for him and told him so.
We were very good friends and that meant a lot to me. Even after I ended the PA, we still talked and though I know now that we should not have been, it meant a lot to me that he was still willing to talk to me despite the fact I had broken his heart.
No, did not only meet for SF. We talked most of the time.
What kept it going was selfishness, getting needs met, and my inability to cope and express to my H what I needed and was feeling. Once my WH started his A, the EA continued because I felt like WH was not there for me (that I was not even important enough to fight for...that really hurt) and OM had become my support system. But, all I did was talk about my WH.
I ended it because I love my H and did not want to lose him. I have always wanted to be with him.

Endure's message here is troubling me; does anyone else feel something just isn't quite right?

Endures, why would you ask that question about adulterers and what they do when they are together? (By the way, it isn't lovemaking, it is SEX.) You are accusing the pastor's wife of an affair, then you ask such a question. WEIRD.

In my opinion, the emotional involement part of the affair is the the strongest part. Yes, I am sure they think that the sex, and that is all that is - not lovemaking, please is the end all. But it is the emotional attachment that is the most damaging and hardest for the infidels to break.

Carnation

Thank you for your response. I am happily married 27 years. My male friend, someone I've known for a little longer than I've been married, is like my brother. I wouldn't even think of having an affair with him--or anyone else for that matter. I'm pleased with the man I have. But thank you for your advice. I appreciate your imput. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm sorry if I'm confusing you. I don't know lots of people having affairs. I only know of the couple I've mentioned. I chose to start another post because I wanted to understand the dynamics of an affair to see if I could perhaps talk to Luke from that angle. Gee, I'm sorry to give you the wrong impression.
Also, Janet may be a lovely person. I only know what I see when we're together on outings and such. All of us who have known Janet--some much longer than I--say how mismatched they are. But Luke is the one who has to deal with that. And obviously he's dealing with it the wrong way!
Again, forgive me if I've given the wrong impression. The other post was concerning the church impact of this affair. This post was for my benefit to understand the workings of an affair.
LJ

My situation is a bit different, because my WH cheated while he was overseas with the military. Therefore, he did not have to worry about sneaking around or lying to me about where he was -- we weren't in the same country. But, he told me they always did it in the "port-o-john"s becuase that was the only place they could go without people knowing what was going on. Did he do it for love? No, or at least that's what he's told me. It was only sex to satisfy a selfish urge because he was away from me for 15 months. I don't have much advice on people who cheat home, because I've never been in that situation. However, I have a "friend" who I believe is having an A right now, and she uses excuses (I am a runner, and so is she), like "I'm going for a run" to get out of the house. I'm not sure where her & the OM meet, becuase I have not identified this as being absoloutely true yet, but I imagine anywhere they can.

Sorry, I guess I am not much help being a BS & not a WS.

A question for any WW? I caught my wife talking to what she claims to be a long time friend. But she never mentioned his name while dating? She also was talking to him on her cell phone until I checked the bill. She claims she was giving him advice about his relationship. I said, we are having problems and you are talking to someone else about theirs. I don't believe her. Everytime I ask her about what happened, she get angry. Thanks for letting me vent. What do you think?

FH,
You commented that the only thing saving your marriage was God. My WW says she no longer believes in God, hasn't for years. Yet she is a major reason why I believe. 17 years ago when we met she was a devout Catholic. I studied, was baptized and became a believer partly because of her influence. Did your WW lose her faith as part of the affair fog? Do you think the faith of the BS is enough to overcome the disbelief of a WS?

endures,

Maybe I'm letting my personal experience guide me on this one but I don't think it can be over stated. I do have a concern about this part here.


It is MHO, that you should not be the one talking to Luke. If you don't mind; where is your H in all of this?

MYou see, my W told me one day that she was trying to help a co-worker with his troubled M, I told her that he needed to have a male talking to him and not her. I never heard about it again. ...at least until she asked me for a D so she could spend her life with him. It all started very innocently and I appreiciate your love and concern for Luke, but unless your H is actively involved in it, it is an unhealthy situation for your M.

Please hear my heart when I tell you this. I am not suggesting that you not help Luke. What I am suggesting, is that you protect your own M and allow a male to talk to him.

That is why I suggested that you give Luke the books personally, but not be his confidant.

Blessing to you.

S&C

Have you decided not to inform Luke's wife?

WAT

Hi S&C!
Sure, I understand, and I appreciate--and hear--everything you're telling me. I don't know what all the initials mean, however! But I'll try not to be so vague. My husband and I have been talking about the situation with Luke since all this started nearly a year ago. Luke was over visiting us about a week and a half ago, but neither one of us had nerve enough to broach the subject with him. Luke's been a friend for years, in fact, since we were 10 and we're 50 now. I had written earlier that it wss a little longer than I'd been married, but I guess I'm in denial about being 50!! Anyway, my husband and I have discussed this thing countless times and he's never expressed a concern over our friendship. I couldn't think of Luke as a lover anyway. I don't have those kinds of feelings for him. And my husband and I are good together. He's the only one on the planet that shares the same bizarre sense of humor as me, so he's a keeper! Thanks for your concern, though. I understand where you're coming from and respect your thoughts.
Leslie

I'm sorry. I have to ask.


Nearly a year? The affair has been apparent to casual observers for nearly a year? Is that what you mean? And no one has yet gone to Luke's wife?

Maybe you meant something else. If so, I apologize for jumping to conclusions.

WAT

You end up doing a lot of time management.

Parking lot: yes
Motel: Yes
Pitch a tent: No, blanket in the woods


You call her on the phone and say, "How about 5:00 PM at the Motel 6?" She says, "Sure. See you there."

It isn't anything special. You have a schedule, she has a schedule. You meet when you can.

4-6 weeks.

Yes

No, it becomes shallower. WS and OP have relatively few points of connection.

To get to know OP, you have to spend more time with them. But, the dynamics of the A don't allow it. You can't take OP to meet your family and friends, so you are really stuck at a particular level of intimcay--which is why As sometimes are so hard to kill. If you spend more time with OP, then you might learn OP isn't what you think she is.

At the end, yes. It was just sex. If you want a perfect description of the end of the A, listen to Robert Cray's "Our Last Time".

Mainly, the illusion that she was someone else. She was very charming, and had a nice, ironic sense of humor. But, I'm sure Adolph Hitler had his good points too.

A desire to get off the merry-go-round. It wasn't enjoyable any more. The A became only about sex.

I have to say I'm with WAT on this. She really does need to know.

Can you imagine being the talk of the town for nearly a year and realizing that no one, no one cared enough for her to help her save her M?

This is probably one of the reasons why people have issues with Christians. And if it's ok with you WAT, I don't want to start such a discusion here. We see what's going on but we pick and choose who we love and help. If any one needed the love of Jesus demonstrated to them today, it is Janet.

Please do so and do so quickly.

In His arms.

S&C

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