BTW, these WS' think they are a gift from somebody or something....Let's see our H's are kidnapped, replaced by the WS and we are suppose t/b happy when the WS comes into our homes!!?!?! YIKES!?!?!?!? No way.

Stupid WS'.

Mine babble once....'well at least I'm here and not w/her.' Arrrgh... I took him by the hand and led him to the front door, opened it and said 'go'. He looked puzzled and I said, 'if you think for 1 minute I want you back as is....u is wrong.' LOL!!! He just stared at me. I told him he was no prize package so get that stupid idea out of his head.

Fortunately when he saw I meant it, he calmed down back to his normal size. LOL!!! That chip went into the diposal and got all ground up and send down the garbage shoot. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Just sharing a horrible memory. LOL!!

L.

Hi Slammed,
I'm really sorry to hear this. I know you have tried your all with your WH. I heard you say something to daisy...


I think your counselor saw it coming.

I really feel sad for you Slammed, you are going to have to make a huge decision here in the near future. And I am angry that he led you on the way he did, he's a prime example of a player.....WS.

Lady

slammed,
Lady is right....he did string you along and IS STILL DOING IT <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />. You see, he will not admit it to himself, would deny it up and down if you told him what he is doing, and sadly YOU don't want to believe he would be capable of it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.

I know, been there. H strung me along for a while. For the first 4 months he had my complete support, if he wanted SF ~ he got it, if he wanted Financial support ~ he got it, if he wanted someone to hang out with he got it, etc. Then he decided we should be just friends (after being with his family who I am sure were saying we'll be supportive of whatever you do and gave him money). So now he did not need me financially (of course that did not stop him from asking me to TAKE HIM OUT <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />! ~ when I did not JUMP on the offer he finally quit asking after about a month <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />).

At the same time, as he said friends, he still wanted sex. Yes, he satisfied his sexual need and wanted me to pay for "us" going out. Then he found his play toy, and stoped asking for sex. But still wanted me on the side for "conversation". Oh, yes, he replaced me with his parents when it came to money (when he became ready to do it ~ but used me till then). Then he used me for sex, till he was comfortable with his other woman and his A <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> (again used me till then ~ 6 month in total after leaving) and NOW wanted to still use me as a friend (his definition being ~ when HE wanted to see me I should be available, not vice versa mind you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />).

They use and use, but will not admit it! Now, he is the victim because I refuse to play nice and will not be his friend! I will not share him with another woman....how mean of me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />!

He is using you slammed! My H did it for months, and looking back it is so clear to me. He thought he got away with it because I let him use me at the time (I just did not see it, although everyone else did ~ I did not want to believe HE was capable of it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />).

Moreover, I guess he figured that I had no capability to recall the past and examine it again! What a fool <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />. I see now what he was doing to me.....even if he does not want to see it.......

Plan B! I think it is time slammed!

Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

slammed...

you have moved through your Plan A with incredible grace...

you should be very secure in your ability to find compassion for others.....

BUT
I am worried about YOU and the toll this is taking on you...

slammed what would happen do you think if you were to throw some subtle 180's in there...ones that you don't even necessarily have to acknowledge..

what if you were to leave some brochures out..or the newspaper open on the kitchen counter to apartments for rent???

what if you were to get dressed up on a weekend night and go out...without divulging too much about where you are going....

OR

even go away for an overnight.....

what do you think his reactions would be..
AND
how much do you think that he 'knows" you are always where you should be doing what you should...

what if you were to say you would go with him to a drs appointment...then cancel at the last minute..
something came up....
and then not even remember that evening to ask how it went..

what if you were to come home and dance with yourself in the kitchen....

what about getting his attention...
peripherally...
getting his interest...
peripherally...

what if you were to move a little out of direct sight...
and become a little mysterious...

ARK

Slammed - I think you would do well to reconcile yourself to needing to increase your self-support financially. Or at least prepare to.

Bi-polars are notorious for losing their jobs. You've already shown yourself to be his rescuer when he screws up. So if he fails in that arena too, you would be in a better position to just totally separate and let the WH hit bottom and EARN his way back into your home and your heart.

Be prepared - he will have that financial crash sooner rather than later.

(personal experience - married to bi-polar)

Thanks, Orchid- you are certainly right about these WS being
total aliens and not the people we've known, married,or want
back. Sad to see the empty shells that they become almost
overnight when deep in the fog and involved in the A !
With the person WH has become (again), it's hard to imagine
why even the OW would want to be with him. He's moody,tired,
grouchy, has gained weight, and falls asleep, snoring loudly
by 9pm (due to medication). Of course, he's kept her in
the dark about his bipolar and other issues, so has no idea
what she's in for.

Lady- Thanks for your continued support.
I really did feel "stumped" that WH's counselor would ask if I'd be willing to help him regardless of the situation with he and I, or him being with OW. I just can't, at least right now, even fathom being a "friend", helping with his counseling and helping with his medical and legal stuff when he's been lying and is fully involved with her again.
I know it was WH's IC, but I guess I thought I'd get a bit
more support than I felt like I did.
His IC actually even seemed a bit surprised and not sure
what to do or say, as we've been going for two months, she
has encouraged WH to appreciate and "hang on" to me as his
"anchor" during tough times, and we've both been saying that
we are working on our M, then we go in to see her and there's the complete turn around of it all. It was first she
had heard of the A and OW.

WDaisy- Thanks for much for your continued support. Your
WH and mine have had so many similiarities- both allowing
their depression/emotional issues to control their lives
and not caring what they leave in their "wake". Seems like
the people who try to help them are the ones who end up
getting the poorest treatment of all-
I do realize that WH is stringing me along. For reasons I
don't understand, I believe he's been wanting to hang on to
both OW and me- maybe so he won't end up alone ?????
I tried to make him remember the good times and fun we've
had, the history we've had, the potential we have, and feel
I've been as loving, caring, and supportive as possible, and
all that has not kept him from going right back to the OW
as soon as she "crooked her finger" at him.
Seeing the way he reacts when she calls and hearing the phone conversation between them was very sad- WH was like a puppet on a string, saying "how high", when she told him to jump !
Very sad to see addiction at work, at least I assume that's what it is. It's the only way I can understand WH getting with a person who looks and acts trashy, has called me on more than one ocassion to get "dirt" on him, has called his XGF and exposed the A to her and his daughter, (and now his Mom knows), called our house repeatedly, leaving nasty
messages for me and him both, and mailed me the packet of
their letters/cards and photos !
I believe she is very manipulative and controlling too.
From the bits of conversation I hear, she is always asking
for reassurance, questions him on where he's been, why he
didn't answer the phone immediately, what he is doing ,etc,
but yet he puts up with it and goes back for more...
She also seems to be very cunning. I think she's told him
she wouldn't see him while he had anyone else in his life
(me), probably put an "ultimatum" on him that he had
to get out of the house with me, and is pushing for him to
D. From the conversation I overheard last week, she was
definitely playing "hard to get", telling him she was so
busy with her life and wasn't sure she wanted the "drama"
and hassle of a relationship, why should she trust him again, etc. so she's really playing a big game with him.

I've thought, and even told him that letting the two of them
"at" each other was the worst punishment I could think of,
and that's probably true- they have had a very "stormy"
relationship with fights, numerous breakups and get back
togethers, all in their total of 6 months of knowing each
other. Can't imagine it going anywhere or lasting when the
whole thing is built on lies from both sides, but they do
seem to have some kind of obsession or something that keeps
them connected- ??? Anyone have any ideas on this ????

Now that he's "clamped" back down with everything being
"secret" again, he's not saying much about his plans, but
I believe the renovated house will be done within just a
couple of weeks. I am sure he is planning to move there,
so am planning to go to a Plan B at that time. (figuring
it is just too hard to do while still in the same house.)
Jennifer had suggested to do Plan A until that time, with
the thought that it will really make him see what he is
missing once he's without me- does that make sense to every
one ?

ARK- Thank you for your thoughts and suggestions.
After trying everything I could think of, I'm really out of ideas (and the patience and endurance) to do Plan A for much
longer.
As I believe he will be moving out shortly, I was hoping to continue it to that time, then go to a Plan B because I really am getting drained.
I think WH sees me as reliable, caring, and "steady", but maybe also as not very exciting and too predictable, so the 180's might help throw a little more mystery into things and probably couldn't hurt at this point.

Kayla Andy- Would be very glad to have your continued input
since you have the personal experience of living with a
spouse who has Bipolar disorder. WH has definitely had
quite a history with job changes- probably 10 different jobs
in the 11 years I've know him. Some jobs he's left as they
were not "challenging enough", "didn't pay enough", etc.
and some he's lost for a variety of reasons. He has managed
to build up a good clientele and to work his way up in the
past few years, so he is making good base pay, gets expense
money and makes commission as well. I think the reason he's
been able to keep his current job and do pretty well with it
is that he's on his own schedule, doesn't have a boss right
over him, and he can be out of the office often, so has a
lot of flexibility. He's said himself, however, that he's
had some days he's had a very hard time working, keeping any concentration, getting things done, especially when his
anxiety and depression have been really bad.
With the house he bought to renovate, and all the money he's
put in it, he's really built up big credit card bills, and
expenses to deal with, so if he loses this job, he will be
in a very bad situation. I feel bad that I don't make as much as I used to, or as I'd like, because it makes me feel
like he views me as kind of wimpy and lacking ambition to
do more and as kind of a "leach" on him. It's also hard on
me because I feel like I've gone backwards and am just kind
of "stuck". I've tried to get him to discuss the situation
because it's obvious that he has some resentment towards me
making less and him having to contribute such a big percent
towards our bills and expenses, but he never will talk about
it.
I think he must feel incredible pressure with the financial
situation. He is supporting our household, has big credit
card bills mostly due to the house he has renovated, will
soon have to convert that "rehab" loan to a mortgage, which
will be big, and then will have that household to support
as well. He pays child support for his two kids, and has a big car payment as well, plus has expenses for his weekly
therapy, bi-weekly Dr appointments, and the upcoming legal
expenses. For the OW, who hooked up with him on a website
for "millionaires" (LOL) she's in for a pretty big reality
check !
I am glad that WH has recently gotten under the care of a
Dr. and counselor, and they are in the process of attempting
to find the right medication and dose, but as of yet, I
don't see much change. His Dr. has already told him that
most people with this disorder get into "trouble" when they
are in the uncontrolled "manic" state, because they have
little "impulse control" at that time. I'm wondering what
if anything that has to do with the A too.
What is your situation ? Is your H 's BPD "under control" ?
Has he had legal issues due to the disorder ?

As a general update-
Just left things "be" yesterday, and talked to WH only a bit
in regards to our bills and finances. Ate dinner and watched
TV together when we got home and I made a great effort to
say little and ask nothing, since that never seems to go
very well. Things were calm, but it felt strained and very
artificial to me. OW called once on his cell- he seemed
annoyed that it happened while he was watching a show, and
left the room to talk briefly. He made a comment later that
I could sleep downstairs in the guest room this week, and
I said "No", this is my room and my bed too". I think if he
doesn't want to sleep in our bed with me, HE can sleep down
in the guest room ! Went downstairs to put some things away
and talk to a friend later, and came up to find him already
asleep, so just got ready for bed and went to sleep myself.
This morning, we talked a bit about the weather and a couple bill-related things, said "see ya later", and that
was basically it.
Since the change of "tune" last week (hooking back up with
OW) I no longer call during the day to see how he's doing
(as far as meds/depression). Tonight is his "alcohol
education" class (due to the DUI), so won't see him until
later evening, and guess I'll just try to go to a real
"180" for the time I'm around him. (pleasant, but not asking
questions, not trying to discuss anything, staying busy ?)
(Ideas on other things to do, does this sound right ?)

After being involved again in his life, I'm finding it to be
particularly difficult to be cut "out of the loop" again
now. For example, I know that the hot tub is being delivered
to the new house today, and were we together, it would have
been fun to go see it, try it out, and share the excitement
of having it. Instead, WH didn't even mention it today.
Just seems like the brief taste of life together again makes
it even hard to again be seperate. Am trying my best today
to just do my work, try not to think about things, and to
try to find some peace through prayers. Am having trouble
eating again and feel so tired, which I know is stress !
Slammed









As sad as I'll feel for him to move out again, it will be
somewhat of a relief to not be around him while he carries
on with the A. I feel sure that he is planning to move out
to the new house as soon as it's done in a couple weeks.

{{{Slammed}}}

You have gone through a lot. Your WH knows your quality yet is getting his "quick fix" with OW. She is not meeting most of his ENs, but maybe because she is so unstable, she might be exciting to him. Your WH is, in a way, using her as one of his remedies so to speak...

We all know that if you have a cavity, you need to go see a dentist to have it fixed, but it hurts and takes your time, so you sometimes decide to ignore the pain or take some pain medicine to forget about it. But that will never be the ultimate solution.

My STBX seems to be trying everything to get a "quick" fix himself. But none has lasted too long. Maybe the difference between those WS's who eventually come home versus those who remain in their fog is THAT. Those who recovered must have done some hard work looking at themselves and faced the reality. If you keep running away from the pain you have now, you will never cure the problem that is causing the pain in the first place.

Take care of yourself.
Milk

You have done a stellar stellar plan A...

the OW is vile...to the core...her personal attacks on you define her as to the EXACT type of person she is...
she is evil...and she leaves a trail of waste behind her and this will work for you..

for the more she villifies you....
the more your husband WILL rise to defend you..

I am 10000000000% your plan b...
but I'd throw in a few 180's..
a night out
an overnight...
some want ads/apartment ads around....
a missed appointment with him cause something came up...

so that when you go to PLAN B...his curiosity will be consuming him.....

plan B is gonna smack this guy in to the reality outfield he's not going to know what hit him..

he will living in life the old addage...be very very careful of what you wish for...

ARK

Thanks, ARK.
I am trying to continue with Plan A while WH is still at
home, but in a more "backed off "way, and I think that
can definitely include some good "180s".
I expect he'll move out to the newly renovated house in
a couple of weeks, so will try to use that time to build
some mystery and get him wondering...

I do think Plan B will really take him by surprise.
For whatever reason, he has kept contact with me, even
while living with OW and while living out on his own
but still seeing her. He still gave me a birthday
gift, holiday cards and a Christmas gift as well.
(and of course, I'm sure OW knows nothing about any of it)

Don't know if all this is part of his "cake eating"
routine, or more his addictive personality/obessive
compulsive disorder. I viewed it as sort of a good
thing because it kept us "connected" at the time, but
also can view it as a bad thing since it seems to
work the same way on keeping him attached to OW.

Today I've had the horrible thought that OW might even
manipulate him into marrying her. Don't know why the
thought crept up, except in several of her conversations
with WH (those I've overheard) she's said "if you love
me and want to marry me, you'll do such and such".
He has told me his whole issue is "not wanting to be
married", (not anything about me), however I do realize
this is an excuse and justification for the A.
Can't help but think though that he wouldn't want to jump right from our M to another one, but who knows.
OW seems to be very clingy, needy and desperate and
so maybe this is her goal after all- to be "taken
care of". She will soon find out that Wh is not strong
or well enough to take care of even himself, much less
her !
Guess I'm letting some of her "rantings get to me",
like her saying she was just renting her house, so
she could let it go and move in with WH when his house
was done. She also has told me he says he "loves her and
wants to marry her." although I've never heard HIM say
that.
I don't really think she's going to move in at least right away. She has horses and lives out on the edge of town where she is on "horse property" and WH's new house is right in town, not a place where she can have horses, and quite a distance from her.
I feel sick thinking of her being at WH's house, just
because I've been seeing it from the "before" to the
"after", helped pick out fixtures, etc. and Wh used
many ideas we had talked about for our "dream house".
Her being there and even in his vehicle, or anywhere
just creeps me out !

Thanks for the support and ideas. I am going to try
really hard to stick to the plan and see if there is
any progress. Feel like, at this point, it can't hurt
anyway.
Slammed

ARK-
Have been meaning to tell you that I really liked and found
your posting on "Be Still" as very comforting and helpful.

Rest of the day I've tried to concentrate on work and not
worry about all this mess. I'm trying to think about just
taking a day at a time and not worrying "in advance" about
what may or may not happen.
So far, WH has surprised me, in both bad and good ways, so I know it's very unpredictable.

Today was the first day for awhile that I haven't talked
to WH during the day. Back when he was having a period of
extreme depression and anxiety (right after the DUI) HE
was calling me several times a day. Since he's been better,
I've been calling once a day to ask how he's doing and
feeling. I do care, but am adding this to my list of 180's
and maybe he will notice. He won't be home for awhile tonight so at least I have some time to just be alone and
not worry about him.

Added note- WH just called me. Was on his way to his class.
Was pleasant, asked about my day, told me a little about
his day, and asked what I was hungry for tonight.
He's SO strange with his mood fluctuations and way he acts-
I just don't get it ! (well, I supposed it's the bipolar)
Will do my best A/180 tonight and see how it goes...
Slammed

Slammed,

You can do this. Just be yourself and let him wonder what your thinking.

be upbeat and happy......

Like you said take it one day at a time.......


Hurting

Slamm'd,

I will share with you a story from waaay back..... The OW thought she'd piss me off....she certainly tried (let me know she was prego 3x, told me she was married to the WS and that I wasn't, e-mailed me that she was going to make the Ws healthier, richer and happier than he had ever been with his family, etc.....). Oh yea, the list went on. Must say, at 1st it hurt. AFter a few of those nauseous lies.....it got down right hilarious. So much that when she called me at 11pm.... one night.... to tell me she was prego #2, my reverse babble kicked right in...went something like this:

OW: L, I'm pregnant.

BS: Who is this?

OW: You know who this is, I'm pregnant.....

BS: Oh you are, why call me? Tell your Husband.....why r u calling me and soooo late? Where is your husband? (by this time the WS was up and I was on the verge of cracking up).

WS asked who was on the phone.... I told him some crazy lady trying to call people to say she is pregnant but afraid to tell her husband?!?!?!? I wonder why?!??! Well by then he knew who it was..... I was laughing hysterically and the WS couldn't understand why. I told him (between my laughing bouts) that this was sooo dumb, couldn't do more than laugh..... what a nut. He started laughing..... it was funny to see his face try to laugh, yet he knew that meant he was agreeing with me and being disloyal to the OW. It was a riot.

Reverse babble....saved a lot of lives that night. LOL!!!

Got more stories.....but I think you get the pix.

L.

Thanks Hurting - I appreciate the support and confidence.

Orchid- Very interesting babble story ! I'm anxious to try
some myself (although I hope I have no further dealings with
the OW, she is toxic !) Funny how the WH can at times, even
through the fog, seem to see what the OW really are. When
the OW called me a few weeks ago, spewing her insults and
ugly comments, my WH commented "consider the source". Of
course, that didn't keep him from going right back !

The evening was peaceful and I got a bit more sleep, so am
feeling a little better today.

Just went home, relaxed awhile, and made some dinner last
night. WH came home from his "alcohol awareness" class
looking and acting very tired and was very quiet (normal).
He watched TV and ate, didn't want dessert (unusual) and
almost fell asleep in chair, then went upstairs to watch
TV on the bed. Wasn't there but a few minutes and was
already "out" and snoring !
Woke him up to "go to bed",and he was again quickly asleep.
He's not been this tired lately, so feel like this may be
a medication issue. He just started a new type of meds for
the bipolar disorder about 2 weeks ago, and while it seems
to be helping with sleep it does not seem to be helping with
mood or him feeling better. Whether or not it has anything
to do with his recent "change of tune", don't know ! It's
also hard to ever know if his moods are related to OW, our
situation or his emotional/mental issues~

He had his cell phone near him all evening, but I noticed
he got no calls which was unusual, as lately, OW has been
calling at least once in the evening. Made me wonder if
things aren't all the way "back on" with OW, or could have
also just been that she was busy, etc.

Partly because I was determined to do it, and partly because
his being asleep much of the time made it easy, I felt I
did well at being pleasant, but not having any R talk or
questions and just doing my own thing.

Don't know if his quiet mood was related to it, but his
preliminary court hearing on the DUI was this morning.
I'd asked several weeks ago if he wanted me to go, and he'd
declined, so didn't say anything further about it except
just to say "I hoped it went okay" this morning.
Haven't heard anything from him since but it could have
run late, he may have had to quickly get to a work appt,.
or if it went bad, I guess he could be in a really rotten
mood ! I plan to continue with my "backed off, Plan A,
with 180's" attitude tonight. Will be able to stay busy,
as I have some laundry to do and need to start getting the
paperwork ready for taxes.

Slammed

Slammed

Slammed,

Your doing great. Keep it up. Make him wonder whats up with you.....

I don't know if your like me but reverse babble does not come easy for me. So I run senarios through my head and practice my responses.

I am running things through my had for fridays mediation. I keep practicing what I want to say so it will flow out.

Just thought for you....


Take Care,

Hurting

Thanks, Hurting.
I think "practicing" the reverse babble is a good idea-
seems like it takes awhile to get the "knack" of it.

WH just called-
His court hearing went okay (was just preliminary) and he
seemed somewhat relieved to find out there are some options
other than jail (that's what he was really scared of).
The next event will be a hearing with the DMV where he will
find out how long he will lose his license, and then he
has another court date in later April.
I tried to sound interested but not "overly" and just said
I was glad it went okay and "see you later".
Tonight is his weekly volleyball game (for work) so he'll
be home to eat and change, then gone for awhile.
I have stuff to do (laundry and get paperwork together for
taxes) so can be busy...

Glad you are "prepping" for Friday. Looking good and being
prepared will make you feel and look confident !
Slammed

Well, nothing exciting to report.
Just feel so "stalled" and tired of it.
Didn't mind the very slow progress we seemed to be making
since it at least felt like "baby steps", but of course
now we aren't moving forward at all, since WH is back "on"
with OW.

WH was home when I got there last night. We just ate,
watched some TV, and then he got ready for his weekly
volleyball game. (work-related). OW called his cell
twice. He went outside to talk (as usual)but both were
brief conversations. He kind of hugged me as he left
for his game. I assumed he was really going, although
since hearing him tell OW he could "find a way to get
out of it" last week, I did have to wonder.
He was gone longer than it's sometimes been, which
could either be legit, mean he met OW somewhere, or
perhaps he really did got to his game, but stopped
to call her on the way home !

As I'm still feeling sick, I just didn't have the energy
to worry about what he was doing- just cleaned up the
kitchen and watched a movie.

When he got home ( I made no comment about the length of
time he was gone) he was suprised and upset to see that
he got a response from the DMV regarding his request for
a hearing on his upcoming license suspension (due to DUI).
Instead of sending a date and time for a hearing, they
denied it, saying he had missed some small detail in the
instructions. (I read it too, and it was very tricky
wording, almost seemed like a loophole). That means he
is now driving on a suspended license, which certainly
won't be good if he gets caught ! He didn't say much-
just got ready for bed.

This morning he had to get up early for a meeting out of
town. He's never been a "morning person" so I avoid talking
to him too much when he first gets up anyway. Just both
got ready. Eventually, I did ask a couple of things:
ME- "So, when is the new house to be finished" ?
WH- "Should be in the next couple of weeks".
ME- "Are you still planning to move there "?
WH- "Yes".
I didn't further comment or ask anything else. Just got
ready for work and the day has been okay.

Then a little while ago, WH called. Talked a bit about the
legal stuff from last night. Then this conversation:
WH- "OW just called and needs me to stay at her house
tonight".
ME- "Why would you need to do that ?"
WH- " OW has to be out of town tonight for job-related
training and the person who was supposed to feed her horses
and the dogs has a sick child and says they can't do it".
ME- "Well, you could say NO, that you can't do it either,or
"could just go up there in the morning, feed them ,and
then go to work, but not need to stay the night.".
WH- "Well, I'd have to go up there really early, have to
change clothes- blah, blah, blah."
ME- "WH, have you thought about how nice it was when you
were making an effort with me and our M, and we were just
starting to make some "baby step" progress" ?
WH- "Yes"
ME- "Well, have you thought about ending it with OW so we
could proceed with a real recovery and a fresh start ?".
WH- "I don't know what to do, I'm trying to figure it out".
ME- "I thought that your ski trip last weekend was to help
you decide things ?"
WH- "Well, yes"
ME- "Seems like going on a trip with someone is not a very
good way to break things off".
WH- "Yes, that's probably right".
ME- "Well, you know how I feel, so there's not really
anything else for me to say".
WH- "Yes I know how you feel and what you think"

Obviously, WH is still "on the fence", foggy, and clueless.
Sometimes seems like he does want to end it with OW but
is, for whatever reason, lured back. He's been in the a
"back and forth" mode often during this whole situation.

I assume I'll see him briefly before he goes tonight.
If she really isn't there, and he's truly taking care of
the animals, I would guess he'll call from her house.
If she's there, he definitely won't, so that may let me
know if this is what he's really doing or not.
Although, perhaps it doesn't really matter since we are
miles from starting any recovery and may never get there
at this rate....

Given an opportunity to talk tonight- what should I say,
if anything ? This blatant stuff is certainly making it
hard to stick to the Plan A and not be full of Lb's.
My plan was to stick with it until he moves to the other
house, then go to a Plan B.
Slammed

Hi Slammed,

You're right he is being a very blatant cake-eater. I think his ski trip last weekend fed his A addiction, and it looks like he's going to spend the night for more. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I can say I know you're pain right now Slammed. He's there, but he's not there ...again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I think your conversations with him were just right, and the best you could say. I give you credit it would be real hard for me not to LB at a time like that. You did well.
But...I'm sure you were crying inside the whole time.:'(


I almost wish he didn't have that extra house.

It looks like you're doing the right thing sticking to plan A, until going to plan B if needed in the near future.



{{{{a BIG hug from my spirit to yours.}}}}

Lady

Slammed - I do have some experience with bi-polar recovery but also have some experience with "anon" recovery.

For you, your primary goal must be to work on your personal "anon" recovery.

If and when your husband decides he wants to live instead of self-destruct, and is willing to seek answers for himself, I have some suggestions on how to beat bi-polar. But it would only feed your addiction to him to give you that information right now.

I hope you understand that. I'm not trying to "slam" you, per se, but rather, encourage you to seek your own personal recovery and celebration of life.

I'm going to be ending my participation on the MB Boards - I have my own addictions to master - and unfortunately, this is one of them.

So keep in touch with me via e-mail.

I'll be happy to encourage and provide info on the anon recovery - because I had to do that first and foremost.

"I'm trying to figure it out" said while still blatently carrying on his affair, just means...."Please pass the cake". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I'm sorry Slammed. I can't see ANY effort from this guy in repairing the marriage. He's just using you at this point, and I agree with Kayla...consider spending more of your energy on YOU and your personal recovery.

my belief is that you should go in to plan B BEFORE he moves out...

that sometimes the effect of plan B gets lost if it can be veiwed as retaliatory knee jerk motion to something the WS does...

my recomendations is plan B before he moves out...
OR
plan B a week or two after he moves out where he believes you have bought the he needs time theory...

how are you going to recover your financial investment in this second house...

you should put some realestate stuff around and drop hints about selling the new house..or him buying you out..

I am serious about you doing some of the 180's..he knows where you are ALLLLLL the time...he has you where he wants you as he says things like I am spending the night at ow house...

you may consider going to plan B TODAY if he spent the night there...and just let him stay there FOR NOW

ARK