|
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837 |
Why r u still in plan A. To accomplish: _______________?
R U ready for plan B?
L.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 782
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 782 |
Orchid- I guess I am as ready for Plan B as possible. I've tried to stay in A, throwing in as many 180's as possible, at the suggestion of many here and my talk with Jennifer at MB a couple of weeks ago. The purpose was supposed to be "reminding" my WH of the good times, fun we had together, plans we had made, and meeting his needs as much as possible, so as to make the Plan B even more effective.
I've really been struggling and having a hard time since I had just started to feel some hope, some optomism and a tiny bit of trust for WH, when he changed his "tune" so drastically and went from "want to work on things, want to be together, and saying ILY again, back to the WS script of "want to be alone, need my space, want to have my own things and own place" a couple of weeks ago.
I'm confused and can't quite figure out what is going on with WH and OW now. They were supposedly "broken up" for about two months and weren't seeing each other, but still had a lot of phone contact going on and WH was not being honest with her so I feel that he must have been still hanging on to hopes of getting back with her. Whether it was guilt, the addiction really getting to him or a change on her part, he certainly changed a full 180 degrees just after we got back from our nice trip together and has been back to the full-blown alien behavior and talk since. Two weeks ago he said he had to go on a weekend trip with her in order to "finalize" things and be able to move on with a clean slate- obviously not what a logical person would do to resolve or finalize anything, but an attempt to get back together, I'm sure. The following week, he "had" to go stay overnight at her house while she was supposedly out of town and had no one else to feed her horses and dogs. Of course, he says this "doesnt mean anything"- he's just "helping her out" due to friendship and because she doesn't know anyone else, etc. Expected that these times together would have "fanned the flames" and had them back into the full-blown A, so was surprised that WH was around home all last weekend, and each evening last week. Was curious to see that we got no phone calls on our house phone, and WH got no cell calls in the evenings, after all the calling she had been doing and her constantly calling him. Also noticed his acting very moody and down, so wondered if things didn't go as well as planned, or if just an issue of his adjusting to medication and his disorder.
Thursday night, WH told me he was going to take a friend to see the house he's been renovating and eat dinner with him. I had my doubts but said little. WH got home at a reasonable time, and I've found no proof otherwise, but don't know what he really did.
Friday night, WH was home, but I saw him using his phone outside and assumed he was calling OW. It was very brief, so appeared he must have left a message. Yesterday morning OW called our house early, leaving a message for WH that she hoped to wake him so he could go with her to a nearby town to look at something. She called a second time, and that got WH up, showering, and off to meet her (I was going to work). I worked four hours, then met friends for lunch and came home. Didn't know if WH would be coming home or what to expect, and I just went about things I needed to do around the house. WH got home just before I was leaving to go to a hair appointment, and we spoke only briefly, but WH said he had decided "he was going to spend the night at the new house". I asked "why ?" (as there is no furniture or anything there, and he says he plans to move there soon anyway). He said he "wanted to be alone", and "had been looking forward to sleeping there ever since buying that house". I left without further comment and went to my appointment. Afterwards, I had a voicemail on my cell from WH, saying "He was leaving our house to head over to the new house and had taken a blanket from the hall closet to use. That he knew I didn't understand it, but he wanted time alone and maybe he could do some soul searching while there and think about what he wanted to do. That he had been looking forward to sleeping there ever since buying the house. That he was not back with OW, that she was not his GF, that he had gone with her to look at a horse trailer just to help with the financial dealings (his business) and that was all it was, nothing else. That he hoped I could try to understand it, and that maybe we could talk some today". Got home, and he had left a note on the bed, saying the same exact things (???????) He also said he'd call me later, but didn't. I did try to call him last night and got no answer on his cell (dog was throwing up several times and I wondered if he had given her something odd to eat).
Today, I got up and even considered driving over by the new house to see if WH was really there. My gut feeling is that he did something with OW last night and probably stayed at her house, or did something with her and then just slept at the new house. Was still thinking about it, when WH came home (about 9am). He smelled like cologne (his), and was VERY grouchy. Didn't say much, but did ask if he had gone out or done something since I couldn't reach him. This really set him off, with him saying I was always "accusing him of things. I said "no", I just thought you might have gone to eat, or done something since I couldn't reach you. Naturally- he said he didn't see my call or show that I had tried to reach him on his phone. (which is hilarious since he keeps that phone with him like a siamese twin and checks it constantly !) He made a sandwich and started eating, but was pacing, and seemed very anxious and uncomfortable. I continued on with laundry and things I was doing. A bit later, he came upstairs and started taking some things from our office room to his car. (items he had at his rented room when we were previously seperated). Right about that time, his cell phone rang and he went downstairs and outside on the deck to talk, so obviously, it was OW. Came back in a bit and continued with what he was doing, then said he was going over to the house to do some measuring and take a few things. I said "you seem upset or uncomfortable today- is there anything you want to talk about ?" He said "no", that he was tired of talking, that he had told me how he felt, that he wanted to be "alone, and on his own, that he wanted to move to the other house, didn't feel comfortable at our house". I said " how about us working on the new house together, and getting back to taking things slow and trying to create a new fresh marriage and fresh start" ? He said- "He didn't feel comfortable with me working on the new house with him, and hadn't I heard him say he wanted to be alone ??" So, I said "well, if you ever get it all over with OW, let me know and maybe I would be willing to try again". He said- "What is that supposed to mean, becuase OW has nothing to do with this, and that they are not together. I said "well, you went with her for the day yesterday and continue to talk on the phone". He said- "His talking to her and seeing her was about 95 percent less than it used to be". I said- "Well,that 5 percent is still keeping you attached to her and away from our life and our relationship"
I said- "WH, I have been loving, caring, supportive,as helpful as possible with your medical and legal issues, and have shown patience and tolerance for a long time now, but I don't like being in limbo and I don't like living like this", and everyone has a limit".
I then went back to the laundry room, and WH left, saying he was going to the house to take some measurements.
Please, all, give me your feedback on my "take" on this: WH and OW may not be gettin together all the time or talking as much, but something is still going on. Don't know if OW put an ultimatum that she wouldn't see him until he moved from our house, is playing "hard to get", or has decided to just "be friends", but WH must still have hopes of getting together ? (Why won't he just admit their is still something going on instead of denying it so adamantly ?)
His wanting to move to the other house is a way to keep pursuing OW "just in case" ??
His "wanting to be alone, wanting his own space, not sure if he wants to be married, doesn't want to work on things" is just fog talk and babble ?
I should stick with Plan A and 180's until he does move (sounds like next weekend) then wait a short time and go to B ???
What a miserable day..... Slamed <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837 |
Give him lots of space but on your timeline. Move him out now when he isn't ready.
JMHO and what I did when I was in plan B. L.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 1,685
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 1,685 |
{{{Slammed}}}
I caught up with your thread. How are you? You have gone through a lot in such a short period of time. Please hang in there.
I think you did great <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> and should be proud that you actually told your WH :
"WH, I have been loving, caring, supportive,as helpful as possible with your medical and legal issues, and have shown patience and tolerance for a long time now, but I don't like being in limbo and I don't like living like this", and everyone has a limit".
It's about time that WH realizes it's not all up to him to decide whether he "feels" like being married or not - YOU can also decide to end it too, if you want to. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
And because you have been so sweet and supportive, your strong attitude should be effective. My case is different - I always voiced my complaints quite loudly and showed that I was upset if I saw H doing something strange, unfair, or sneaky in the past, so if I would have said what you said to mine, it won't be 180. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
Your WH is very indecisive. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> I do not neccesarily think WH is "lying" about "wanting to be alone". It's possible that WH does feel he has cut back his time with OW (although, what the h*** is that supposed to mean, that his time with OW has been cut back by 95%??? This is not Ms. Laura's lean meat you are trying to buy you know - it has to be 100% fat free, contact free!) and still being accused by you. But what does he expect??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> So if YOU are sleeping with another man and turn around and tell WH that "I am not sleeping with him every day anymore, I only sleep with him once a week, so be happy about it", he is supposed to say "oh thank you dear"??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> I know none of these logics would work for those guys in the fog, but what he is saying is so selfish.
And, even though he may actually want to be "alone" for now, I do not think that will last. Men always want to have company, and it will be a matter of time WH starts missing having someone around him.
Does WH think you will be always there for him no matter how badly he cheated on you? When is he moving out? I am just wondering if there is any way w/o lying to make WH get scared of "losing" you if he continues to think only of himself and to have contact with OW.
What does your gut feeling tell you? Do you really think your WH can be happy with OW? I truly doubt it. She sounds way too unstable and immature. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> And I actually believe that WH knows this. But somehow he feels suffocating (like mine said to me - although interestingly mine complained that I did not do things like watching movies with him enough, which is a contradicting statement), and the only solution he can come up with now is to be alone. That's just my 2 cents. So in the end, I do not think your WH is out of his fog yet and is still very confused about what he really wants.
My take is that it's possible that now he knows in his head that he cannot try to look for things/people externally to make him happy, and b/c of this, he may not necessarily having the frequent contacts with OW (he knows OW is not the answer?), YET he cannot help but to have SOME contact with her still, b/c he is still "missing" something... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
I wonder about my H too - I do not know if he will ever be able to become a resonponsible person who handles stress in a healthy way and accepts hardships in life as they are instead of escaping from problems all the time. Unfortunately, I am thiking he will never.... he seems just too weak to me..., and always blaming others b/c he has a low self-esteem and cannot take the blame on himself...
Hugs, Milk
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 782
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 782 |
Thanks, Orchid, for the suggestion- sounds like a good idea to "take them by surprise" and it's definitely a good 180 !
Milk- Thanks for your support and comments. I know that WH hates to talk about things, and I didn't have any new "revelations" or things to tell him that I've haven't already said, but I just wanted to calmly let him know that I am reaching my "limit", am tired of the situation as it is, and reiterate that I feel like I've done all I can do. Whether it even registered with him, I don't know, but at least I had "said my peice".
I do think that WH thinks I will still be "there" for him, trying to make it work and willing to take him back, no matter what he does or how horrible he acts, and I would like to get through to him that there are consequences to actions and choices, and that I too, do have a say in what happens in the future. I think a large part of this issue is his disfunctional family and upbringing- he never had to do anything for him- self, never had to take responsibility for anything, and had his family (especially his Mom) "ooing and aahhhing" over everything he did (she still does) as though he could do no wrong and was better than everyone else. My IC has said this has likely contributed to WH having quite a narcisstic type attitude, so he does feel superior and judgemental over others. Besides our relationship, I have a feeling this has also been involved to some degree in WH's lack of ability to make/keep friends, keep jobs, etc. because he tends to always view himself as the victim. (sounds like your WH too)
WH is indeed very indecisive. He doesn't seem to be this way in business and other issues (and has always gotten on me about being a procrastinator) but in our situation, he's been a top-notch "fence sitter". I get the feeling that even he does not expect anything real to come of the A with OW, but for whatever reason (guilt, weakness, character, can't be the "bad guy", SA,) he can't keep from going back for "more". When I think of the relationships of his I've known about (college GF, GF with whom he has daughter, previous A partner) I think they have all broken it off with him, and wonder if he just doesn't have the courage or ability to do it himself ? (may fall into the "can't be the bad guy" issue that my IC has mentioned)
I don't know what to think about the situation with OW, except to know there's still "something" going on since he's spent some time with her lately and they still talk on the phone. Whether she's hanging on to him for convenience, he's hanging on to her for SF, both or one of them is playing a game, or what.... they both seem to have issues with an addiction and/or obsession (all the phone calls, the nasty behavior on her part). I wondered if perhaps she had said she wouldn't see him until he moved from our house, but the few incidents of them getting together in the past few weeks would kind of "break" that theory. Maybe she's just either telling him they can be "friends" or is playing some kind of "hard to get" game with him instead. Or, he is wishful thinking that they will get back together, and thus his foggy talk, and moving out, to make this more convenient and easy ? You may also be right about him wanting some space and time to be alone- I think with adjusting to medication, doing counseling, his legal issues going on, and trying to "burn the candle" at both ends with both me and OW, he must be mentally exhausted and may just want to be left alone. He's not good at being alone though, so don't think he'd last long.
Funny that your WH has also used the term "suffocating" as that's exactly what mine has been saying. I have said- "it's not from anything I am doing" because I really feel like I have been giving him yards of space, and am not doing any- thing that should make him feel pressured or uncomfortable. I think whatever it is , is coming from himself, his lies, his keeping it all straight, and jumping back and forth on both sides of the fence ! Coincidentally,my WH has also told me this, but then when I'm not doing something with him has either asked me to, or has said "why are you being mean to me"?
From what WH says, he is planning to move out in the next 1-2 weeks. (although as far as I know, he has nothing set up as far as a moving truck, people to help with moving things, and we've not discussed anything at all about what things he would take, etc.) Although I think it will be less stress on me if he moves out (especially if the suspicious activities and calls with OW continue), I also feel very bad if he does, because it will feel like a huge setback and a much more permanent arrangement for him to have taken furniture, all his belongings, etc and set up house all for himself. I also feel hurt and disappointed that after my helping with things in the new house and seeing it as it came along, I would be excluded. If we did work things out later, I think I would feel very funny about moving into "his" house, especially after he chose all the colors, carpets, decorations, and would have his things set up there already. Guess I don't have to worry about that right now.
About two hours after WH left to go take measurements at the house this morning, he called to see if I wanted to meet for lunch ? I said, "OK", and we met at a pizza place. I didn't know if WH wanted to meet to talk about something, if if it was "just" lunch, but got there and he was in a very down, quiet mood and not talkative at all. I tried to keep it "light", make some conversation, and did ask if he wanted to talk about anything ,but he said "no". Afterwards, he asked if I wanted to come with him on an errand, so I did. He was picking out towel bars for the new house, and asked my opinion a couple of times. Otherwise, I didn't comment, since I feel very excluded in this project he has. From there, he was going back over to that house, and I stopped at the grocery store, then came home. WH called earlier to talk about dinner, and said "how about if we ate about 830pm?" I asked "why so late ?", and he said "He wanted to put up the towel bars and get some other things done around that house before the workmen come back tomorrow". I didn't say anything, but feel very skeptical about this. First of all, WH is not handly and I don't know that he could install all the towel bars and toilet paper holders himself. How would it would take five hours ????? And, isn't that what he has the contractors to do??? Makes me suspicious that he's either driving up to Ow's house or meeting her somewhere... Won't be any way for me to know, but I'll look in his car to see if the towel bars are still there or if he took them to the house.
Don't know what else to do except keeping trying to give lots of space, continue to be kind and polite, but show more indifference (180s) and continue to observe what is going on. Slammed
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 782
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 782 |
Milk- Forgot to add- your comment about "Ms. Laura's lean meat" made me laugh <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I had just come from the grocery store and actually saw that product while I was there.
Also- Just called WH to tell him I looked out and it has snowed enough to cover the ground white. He didn't answer his cell. If he was really at the house, working on things there'd be no reason he wouldn't, so this definitely convinces me he's doing something with OW. Maybe she's just playing more "hard to get" this time, so he's having to work harder at convincing her to get back with him again and that's why he is so down and moody.???? Gosh, if he'd put that much effort into our R, we would never have had a problem ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Slammed
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 3,788
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 3,788 |
call in sick from work tomorrow...do it after your wh has left for his job. MOVE HIM OUT...pack all his stuff into garbage bags..
do it like orchid said...when he LEAST EXPECTS IT..
and go totally dark. you can write the pbletter a few days from now. just do it.
do not answer his calls...lock him out..change them better yet..
he's still in affair hon.
biggie time.
you did a good plan A
now cut bait and let him go...do plan b. very very dark.
let the ow take care of the man who has the issues and is seeing a shrink. let her deal with his ups and downs...you're done for now.
LET OW DEAL WITH THE WS.
she won't like it.
let them love bust alone.
don't let ws call the shots...YOU DECIDE who stays and who goes. and it is him who goes.
after all, the man has it made..he's got a toilet, and towel rack and toilet paper holder now huh?
me:37 BS; s:7;
xh:38; OW:26;eloped w/OW 1 wk after D: 12/29/03. OC born 3/17/04. Happy! Blessed to be the mother of a wonderful son..great profession..Life's good!
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 2,424
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 2,424 |
Slammed,
I agree with Orchid and Peachy. As hard as it is....move him out now!!! You are going to die a thousand deaths in the next to 2 weeks, making it worse on you, if you don't move him out now. His in-your-face adultery AGAIN have closed the door, and you cannot open it. If you try to open it, it will just slamm in your face again. Take money to get a legal sep., gather all paperwork now. Protect yourself before he takes all. No more rides for him, no more visits to his Dr's. Complete plan B. Hide all the cards pictures etc...that OW gave you. Get copies of his phone calls if you can.
Lady
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 782
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 782 |
Thanks Peachy and Ladysheep- I would love the "shock value" and huge 180 degree effect that moving him out and "shutting down" on him would have, but was told when I consulted a lawyer in the fall, that I cannot force him out of the house or change the locks unless I have grounds for a restraining order due to domestic violence. (because we co-own the house)so don't have a way to force him out sooner than he decides to go.
He has far more income than I do, but we jointly own our house, my car, some real estate, and most everything else we have, and I made copies months ago of all the statements, deeds, bills, etc. "just in case" I needed them. The package of cards/letters and pictures that OW sent me are hidden- (I think WH thinks that I shredded them). I also opened my own bank account a few months ago, so have put a little money of my own away. If it should come to D, our state is "no fault", so you don't file on any grounds, and everything is split 50/50. There's not been any problem in regards to him cutting off funds at least- he has continued to contribute the bigger "chunk" towards the household expenses and bills, and I don't think he will change on that as he is in the banking/finance business and good credit and finances are extremely important to him (and essential to his job). However, should it come to him backing out of any of his obligations, I would be able to file a legal seperation. (Lawyer advised that there was not much purpose to it since no kids, unless finances become an issue).
With this in mind, can you give suggestions on preparing for his move, in order to make the Plan B very effective ?
Detach as much as possible, stay busy, show no interest in helping with house, ask no questions, no R talk, no OW talk, but still courteous when he is home ? Sleep in guest room myself until he moves out ? Act anxious, even pleased he is moving ? (or at least not act sad or upset ??) Question and confront on lies and continued contact with Ow or no comment ?
Wait about a week after he moves to do Plan B and letter (suggested by someone who said it might get more attention than if it is right at the time of the move) ?? Jennifer said I could send PBL to her for critique and I can also post here for help.
Peachy- You are right- the shrink, the meds, the counseling, the alcohol classes, community service and upcoming legal issues probably aren't going to be very "fun" for OW. (She knows about the DUI since she was with WH at the time, but I don't think she knows much at all about the rest of it, especially his disorders). He is so moody and grouchy that you'd think she'd already have gotten tired of it and would have no interest, but something has her hooked, just as he is...
Thank you for your ideas and support !!! Slammed
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,182
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,182 |
Slammed, He is taking it all out on you. Believe me OW is not seeing the real side yet!
Don't hold off Plan B for too much longer. This man is seeing another woman while living with you, everything is in the open, and he has no shame about it!
He is being so desrespectful to you.
Is there really no way to kick him out?
Is this not emotional abuse?
Daisy
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
Member
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069 |
Do you have a Plan B letter ready? Are you going to be able to stay very dark? That is what I would work on right now.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 782
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 782 |
Daisy- Nice to hear from you ! How are you doing, and how are things in your situation ?
WH IS very disrespectful and seems in total disregard to anything/anyone other than his pursuit of OW. I guess I can see why A's are likened to addictions, because I can't imagine a drug addict or alcoholic acting more selfish, hurtful, and so uncaring about the pain and devestation they have caused, and so blinded by needing their "fix" that they would risk losing so much. It hurts and amazes me that WH is willing to give up a real relationship, for 11 years, where we did everything together, were best friends, supported each other through tough times, deaths in family, tough finance, etc. all for the sleazy, trashy W*&%e he has known for all of six months. I also can't believe that he is driving around to meet or see her and go back and forth to the other house, when his license is suspended and he'd be in even more legal trouble if he gets caught.
Being back on the "roller-coaster" has been so hard, after feeling some hope for a short time. I also know that WH's moving out will be the hardest, saddest day I've had so far but I'm also anxious for it since it'll get his behavior and lies "out of my face".
You are probably right in that OW has never seen the "real" WH, although even back when she called me in OCtober, she mentioned something about how moody and judgemental he was. She knows of his legal issues, at least some, but I don't think he's told her about his mental/emotional issues (I think he actually denied all of that after I told OW he had some problems) and if he said anything about his going to counseling or the psychiatrist, I'm sure he minimized it considerably-
This is very tough, but I guess I'm going to try to just concentrate on me and let him go. I fear for his safety and mental health, but he's an adult and if he isn't worried about it,I guess I shouldnt be. Slammed
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 2,424
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 2,424 |
I fear for his safety and mental health, but he's an adult and if he isn't worried about it,I guess I shouldnt be. Slammed all WS's are mentally ill....seriously! All WS's are deceptive liars, whether w/ bipolar, meds or not. I asked my H's Dr. if what my H did, ONS, was because of his mental illness. Dr. told me "no." You see there is no excuse, and thankfully the Dr. wouldn't let him use that one either. Your H's moodiness is most likely due to WS syndrome, and alcohol abuse at times, and the fact that he is playing you. Meds are not going to help him as long as he is in that particular sin, as adultery is a character change for the worst, no amount of meds can change that. The meds will just numb him. Repentance toward God and you is the only answer, and he is not sorry nor repentant. I'm sorry he used you slammed to be his support system after his Dui trauma, but I knew it wouldn't last. I only hope you will recover from it. Lady
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,182
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,182 |
Slammed, Lady is right. There is only so much that you can blaim on his "mental health".
Fact is that your H (just as mine) are people that are responsible for their actions just like we are, mental problems or not! This is not an excuse to mistreat people.
My H would pull this all the time. "I have chronic depression"....that was his excuse for not helping me, for getting frastrated and taking it out on me....I mean the man told me I could go and kill myself and he would not care when I was upsett about him verbally mistreating me (I never even said anything about killing myself!)....all in the "I just get frastrated when I am depressed". Sheesh, who doesn't get frastrated!? But we don't all resort to mistreatment of the other person. There is no excuse for what he is doing to you Slammed.
Daisy
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
Member
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906 |
The disrespect of this otherwoman calling your house and inviting your husband out shopping..
and the audacity of him taking the call makes my stomach curl up ...
YOU need serious serious serious 180's leading to a plan B..
1. CHANGE YOUR HOME PHONE NUMBER TOMORROW....JUST DO IT.. GET ONE PHONE IN THE HOUSE PORTABLE..KEEP IT ON YOU WHEN HOME.....UNPLUG THE DAYUM ANSWERING MACHINE...
2. TAKE STUFF OF HIS TO HIS NEW HOUSE....START GETTING RID OF HIS STUFF.....START CLEARING OUT ROOMS...
3. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY HAVE SOMETHING TO DO EACH AND EVERY EVENING THIS WEEK...THINGS THAT MAKE HIM SAY HMMMMMMMMM INFACT I SUGGEST YOU PLAN AN OVERNIGHT AWAY THIS WEEKEND...JUST GO SOMEWHERE..TELL HIM TO CALL YOU ON YOUR CELL IF IT IS AN EMERGENCY...
no fighting be breezy and happy...
say things like.. well dear with the way all your meds make you tire easily I just thought helping you box up things would be helpful..
take down some picutures of you and he here and there...or take down some things that he has gotten you that have meaning and say NOTHING....
I WANT YOU IN HIS FACE MOVING ON.... I want you really turning up the idea that YOU have some other interesting things going on in your life.. and I want you to QUIT being where HE expects you all the time....
I want you to see a lawyer and find out what your legal rights are to his house as marital joint property...
I want you to write an awesome plan B letter that leaves him reeling..
ARK
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,182
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,182 |
Slammed!
Are you going to post your Plan B letter here? I would strongly advice that.....I would think ARK wants her hands on it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />! (just kidding! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />)
Seriously, post it here as well, get the most input you can......
And do follow ark's advice....she is so on the money! I think you look like a push over to WH. I know you are not, but that is what he is seeing I am afraid. Change the number, or get rid of the house phone all together....people have your cell they can reach you there!
Take care Slammed....
DAisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179 |
I second the motion for changing the phone number. ANY AMOUNT OF HASSLE IS WORTH IT!!!!! I don't care if the number has been in your family for centuries.
Get it unlisted, and ask to have blocked calls blocked, so each and every caller has to show their phone number.
Listen to Ark and Daisy. They are so right about this.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner. ~ English proverb Neak's Story
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 1,685
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 1,685 |
Slammed, I am so glad to see you are getting great advice from everyone. I agree with Daisy that your WH thinks he could just walk all over on you. You are quite contrary, a very strong person.
Whether it's the lock, phone number or whatever, those changes will definitely surprise WH. I like ark's idea of taking the weekend trip and being mysterious. WH has no idea how lucky he is to have an option (which is fading quickly though) to stay married to you! He cannot assume you will there for him forever no matter what he does to you! I mean, usually people try to "hide" their affairs right? WH does not even do that b/c he trusts your love so much... He needs to wake up.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 782
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 782 |
Thanks everyone~ !! LadySheep and Daisy- I think that WH's mental illness(es) may have led him to try to find "diversion" from his discontentment and depression, but in no way can it be used as an excuse for his A and his behaviors. As my IC has pointed out, "lots of people have bipolar disorder, and they aren't all having affairs" !! I have always told WH that it is not his fault that he has the disorders/illnesses he has, but it IS his fault if he didn't seek help or do something about it, and he is still responsible for his behavior. WH has actually never said or insinuated that his disorders or other issues have been a reason or excuse for any of the things he's done- he's actually been just the opposite, in saying that they have "nothing" to do with any of it, that his thinking is "clear", etc.
I'm glad that he finally decided to get some help with medication and getting a counselor, and eventually maybe he will get to the "roots" of a lot of his issues and be able to function much better as a person, but I see clearly that this personality change from honest and sincere to lying, deceptive and phony, is the FOG and A.
In thinking about OW and her actions- I feel nothing but revulsion, disgust and contempt for her and consider her a low-class, sleazy, w&%$e. I had a little respect for her when she called me and was honest about their A, asked about all the lies he had told, and seemed sincere in wanting to find out the truth, however, as soon as she fell for his "story" about it and continued the A with him, after knowing he was still married and had lied, all respect or any sympathy I had for her went right out the window !! I think her behavior, such as the constant calling, nasty comments to me, messages on our machine, and sending the packet to me have demonstrated her to be quite an unstable, needy, controlling and manipulative person, but are also related to what the WH has been telling her, and I know he's been lying to her too. From what I can "put together", the "story" seems to be that WH told her he was scared, anxious, and depressed after the DUI, and needed to do some "soul searching" about what he wanted to do. This was apparently the reason they stopped seeing each other in early January. He didn't tell her he was spending time with and seeing me though, or that I was going with him to his appointments. I'm sure he also didn't tell her the full extent of his diagnosis with bi- polar, other disorders, how complicated it is to get the meds right, the reason he's in counseling etc ! Right after WH moved home at end of January is when the barrage of calls from OW began, and I think this was her feeling insecure and worried about him being home and around me. I believe though that WH told her it was just for sake of "convenience", and that we weren't "back together" or working on the M. I think that WH told her we were getting divorced and wouldnt be getting back together "regardless" of whether she and he were back together or not, which led her to talk to me as though I was just staying there at the house, "sponging" off WH, and being pathetic to be trying to use his DUI as a way to get him back. I don't know now, if she called because he has said I'm not staying there, or if she doesn't care because she thinks we are just there "as roommates" , divorcing, and that she can call him if she wants to ?? Too bad there isn't some trick way to get the information to her that I am indeed there, we are not "roommates", not currently D, that I've been going to all his appointments with him, that we went on a trip together, that we sleep in our bedroom together, etc...... however, I don't want to talk to her as she is so nasty and has managed to turn everything I've said around to gain sympathy from WH and make him mad at me, or to use against us and our M.
ARK~ I love the 180 ideas ! It is hard to "opposite" of my own normal habits and patterns, so is very helpful to have some specific examples of things I can do. I actually did start cleaning up and sorting things as a part of my "spring cleaning" and staying busy this weekend so can "build" on that as far as throwing out, packing some of WH's things, etc. We don't have many photos and items around the house, but I'll take down a wedding photo and a few other family pictures. I'll make some plans for each evening, be less available, and see if I can make a weekend away plan (although I have to work Saturday and will need to figure out what to do with our dog) as well. Please, keep the ideas coming.
I will start working on the PBL, and will post it here in addition to sending to to Jennifer, as she suggested.
Not-so-you-neak (I love your "byline" !!) Thanks for the phone information. I'm wondering if, since WH plans to move either this coming weekend or next week, if changing the number is still pertinent ? Once he's out of our house, I don't think OW would be calling. What are everyone's thoughts ?
Milk- Thanks for the continued support. I agree, that WH feels he can do "whatever" and still "weasel" his way back (whether it be me or OW). I assume this is partly due his upbringing where he never had to do anyting or take any responsibility for anything, and also partly because he knows I've been loving, caring and supportive in the past so he assumes I'd do it again. I hope the stronger 180's and then "dropping him like a hot potato" when he moves will get the point across. He is still trying to hide the resumed A, although he is a poor liar, and I think he knows I don't believe him. Apparently though, if he comes up with some story that he thinks sounds "believeable", he must feel that he is fooling me and can go on with his "wants to be alone" plan rather than admitting the A is back on (don't know why they don't just admit it though !!) His calling yesterday afternoon to say he was going to go work at the new house and would be home about 830pm for dinner is a good example- 1) He isn't handy and I don't think he could have installed the items he said he was doing. 2) He has contractors doing all these tasks, so wouldn't have needed to do it himself. 3) It wouldn't have taken 5 hours anyway 4) If really doing that, I could have reached him, but when I tried to call him, I got no answer on his cell.
He did get home right about 830pm, changed, ate, watched some tv, and got ready for bed. I didn't make too much conversation, but was pleasant and polite, and continued on with some things I was doing around the house, read the paper, got a shower, etc. WH got a call on his cell and left the room, so must have been OW calling. He then got ready for bed, and after inadvertently taking a larger than normal dose of his meds fell asleep quickly and slept hard all night long. This morning, we both just got up and ready, and said "bye". Don't know if he does it for "show", or if it's some form of "security blanket", but he was wearing his ring. (I don't act like I notice or comment either way).
You know, I'm a pretty good "snoop", but haven't found any thing to indicate he's made any plans for a moving truck or people to help with it. As much stuff as he has (not even counting furniture) I would think he'd plan to take it all at once, and not by single car trips. If taking some of our furniture, he'd also have to have help, because it's all big and heavy stuff. Just had a thought !! His license is suspended, so he probably cannot rent a truck himself. Wonder if this means he's going to enlist OW for help ??? (I'm sure she'd love to help get him out of the house). If I find out she's been in my house, I will go ballistic !
Wondering how he's going to keep "stalling" OW, since there is no D in the works ??? (the paperwork we filled out and signed/notarized back in August will become "null and void" this Friday, so would have to start all over again, file, do financials and settlement paperwork, plus wait mandatory 90 days). At least her asking about, and his stalling could result in some big arguments and LB's !!
Slammed
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
Member
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069 |
I don't think I would let the divorce paperwork become null and void. I think he is still cake eating. I would continue protecting myself financially.
|
|
|
0 members (),
143
guests, and
47
robots. |
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
Depression
by ClarencePeterson - 09/22/24 11:19 AM
|
|
|
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,607
Posts2,323,424
Members71,872
|
Most Online3,185 Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|