And if you can afford to change it twice, I would still change the phone number now.

It is something that will help keep your WH off balance, wondering what you are up to, and he will know that if OW calls on it, that you will know he gave it to her, it will stop her from being able to call to gloat or anything else after he is gone, and it will protect you these last few days, as well.

You would most likely need to change the number again when he came home, if there was any chance he had given it to her, or that she had seen it in his possession.

Another possibility would be, since there are only a few days left, to forward all the house calls to your cell phone. That will drive her nuts, and she will not be able to leave messages that he can get.

Then you could just change the number once when he comes home.

Thanks Believer-

I've thought about using the paperwork as a bit of pressure
on WH to make a decision and get off the "fence", but don't
honesty think he is a point where he can make a decision
right now (too foggy since apparent reconciliation with OW
in the works).
To keep the paperwork "live", we'd have to complete all
the financials and a settlement agreement all by this Fri.
and get a court date set up. Then, once the court date
passed, (if all was agreeable) the D would be "final" because we've already passed the 90 day waiting period from the date of the paperwork.

I know that I'd want to consult an attorney for more advise as well as get some appraisals and financial advise, so
don't think there's enough time to get that all done this
week, and am not comfortable with the possibility of the D
being so sudden, at least, while I feel like there might
be some hope with the upcoming Plan B ... (at least part
of the time I feel like there might be hope..)
Does that make sense to everyone ?

Financially, WH has been very good about continuing to pay
the majority of our bills and household expenses, and is
legally obligated to because they are almost all "joint".
He's also in the financial business, so his good credit is
crucial to his job and very important to him.
If he did decide to become difficult though, I could get
a legal seperation to spell out the financial issues.

I have previously made copies of all our deeds, bills, and statements and have a seperate bank account where I've been able to set aside a little bit of money for the same reason
"just in case".
I need a bigger income, whether we stay together or I am on
my own, so am checking into some job options as well.

Slammed ~

Not-so-you-neak,
Thanks for the phone ideas ! I'm going to check on the
cost to change the number, but I also really like the idea of forwarding the house calls to my cell, just so it will
"tick" off OW, if nothing else <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Then, when WH moves out, I will change the number, so OW
can't call for any reason, and if/when WH comes home, for the same reason.

OW's already admitted to having gotten into WH's phone for
numbers (she then called his XGF with whom WH has daughter, to see "who she was and why WH had been calling her), and
also has been known to get into his voicemail to listen to
his messages - and all this less than two months after the
A started !!

Slammed

>(she then called his XGF with whom WH has daughter, to see "who she was and why WH had been calling her),

Holy cow. Can you say "paranoid much?"

That's gonna eat at him...it may not now, but that kind of checking up is gonna be a real buzz kill.

Dealan-de,
You are sure right about that !

The phone call to his XGF also resulted in his daughter
(13) finding out about the A, which made her upset, and
eventually some word got back to his Mom too !
If I'd have done the same, he'd have been furious, but
he didn't even blink an eye at OW doing that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

OW also called me about one month after WH had moved in with
her, although I didn't know it was her at the time.
She had asked for WH, and I gave my standard answer "He's
not available, may I take a message" (thinking she was a
phone sales person). She then said "No thanks, it's a
personal matter" and hung up. When she later called me in
Oct and exposed the whole situation, she told me she had
been doubting some of WH's story and called me, but had
"chickened out" to say anything. So, the doubts and the
paranoia started early !

While WH has been at home and I've heard some of the phone
conversations between WH and OW, it has sounded like she
is constantly questioning him and asking where he has been,
what he is doing, why he didn't immediately answer the phone, etc. She also has, at times, called very often
(13 times in one four hour period a few weeks ago) which
makes me think she is very obsessive, besides paranoid.

Good, hope she keeps it up and drives WH crazy ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Slammed
etc.

Did okay today, just tried to concentrate on work and plan
some activities for the evenings this week.

WH called mid-afternoon to say he was feeling okay (despite
the mix-up on his medication last night) and that he was
planning to come home, change clothes, then "go over to the
new house to continue installing the towel bars and other
items." Talked about it briefly:
Me- "I didn't know you knew how to do all that"
WH- "Well, some of it is not to difficult and I can do it".
Me- "I thought the contractors were doing all that sort of
tasks ?"
WH- "They will, but they charge you for doing it, so I'd
like to do anything I can myself".
Me- "Well, I've been busy at work and have things to do
tonight, so will catch up with you later, bye".

After WH saying he was "working on things at the house"
for five hours yesterday (but coming home smelling smoky,
like he had met OW at a bar or restaurant perhaps), I
seriously doubt the "plans" for tonight are true, unless
he really is going to do some work tonight to make up for
not doing any yesterday. Or, it's an excuse for another
opportunity to see OW~

I hate wondering about things WH says, and realize how hard
it'd be , even if making a true recovery, to gain trust
back after an A. I'm tempted to drive over by the new
house to see if he's even there, but don't know if there's
really any point to it ???????

I plan to head home, take care of my dinner and play with
the dog, and will forge ahead with my plans for the evening.
Won't comment when WH gets home.
Man, I hate this !!!
Slammed

Oh, that is so tempting. I think I would drive on by the other house, and tell him I wanted to learn how to put towel bars up.

By the way, my oldest son put all of ours up when he was 7, and it only took him an hour.

Slammed,


I was going to say this too! Next time he said something about installing this and that, you can say "hey, I'll help you so that I can learn how to do this myself".


Okay, I am not handy, but this is too funny! Either Believer's son is extremely talented or your WH's lies are just so bad... lol!!!

By the way, I am now actually enjoying to learn how to fix things around the house and cars. I have so far learned how to exchange the headlight of my 4WD, change the garage door code (not the outside pad but the actual garage door panel inside), change the lock, fix the doorknob, fridge circuit board, door hinge, etc., etc. This weekend when my friend comes, I will learn how to fix and install the kitchen faucet! Yay!

Believer and Milkshake-
Good idea ! I should have used some "reverse babble" and
taken the opportunity to learn a new skill (of course, he
would have had SOME reason why I couldn't go because he
either wasn't going, or it would prove he wasn't there on
Sunday doing anything !)
I did not call WH all evening, and when he got home at
930pm, I was "busy" sorting paperwork, getting tax stuff
together, and shredding. Didn't say much. WH got ready for
bed right away, and I finished up what I was doing and came
to bed a bit later.

Noticed that WH's appointment book listed an appt. with a
realtor this morning. (had also seen this same name listed
for an appointment a couple of weeks ago). At first, I was
concerned thinking he might be having someone come look at
our house since we would have to sell if we D, but the more
I thought about it, I doubt that because 1)there's no D
currently in the works 2)Have not talked about selling the
house for ages 3) House is in both names, so he knows he
can't put for sale without me.
This left me with a couple other possibilites:
1) Might be something to do with the new house he just is
finishing renovating. He has been adamant that he doesn't
want to sell it, but perhaps he's thinking about it and
just doesn't want me to know.
2) The newly renovated house requires an appraisal once
complete, so possibly this person is doing the appraisal.
3) Perhaps WH is helping OW find a new place to live.
(how about out of state, or even better, another country !)
Did see him with a "Homes for Sale" book a couple weeks ago
which had a page turned down on the area where OW currently
lives. She has been renting a place, so perhaps the owners
are now selling, or she has to move for some reason and WH
is going with her/realtor to look.
Definitely seems like something he doesn't want to tell me
about, as last night he told me he needed to get up early,
but said the reason was his boss coming to his office, not
that he really had this appointment. Any ideas ???

We both got up and ready for work, and as always, before
he left WH came to say "goodbye", and "talk to you later"
This is usually accompanied by a little "hug".
Noticed he was wearing his wedding ring again (has always
taken off at night and put back on in the morning) which is
odd considering his continued contact with OW. Makes me
wonder if it's for "show" with me, although I don't act like
I notice or comment either way.????

Tonight is WH's "alcohol awareneness class",so at least I'll
know where he really is. I will again be "busy" when he gets
home and will have already had my dinner.

One thing I am not sure about this week: WH asked if I was
still going to his counseling session Thursday night ?
I wasn't sure what to say, so said I'd let him know on Wed.
My quandary on this is: I've been going with him since he
started IC back in January. It is IC for him, not MC, but
he was having me go as both "moral support", and because I
can give input about his behavior and bipolar symptoms that
he doesn't really notice himself. Normally, I have just sat
in the session quietly, and said little unless asked by he
or the IC. Last time we went however (3 weeks ago) it was
right about the time WH was "changing his tune" from saying
we were together and working on the M, to his WS script of
"wants to be alone", "doesn't want to be married", "has
nothing to do with OW" (but had started to pursue OW again)
so it turned more into a MC session, and I didn't feel like
it went that well.
So, I'm not sure if I should go this week. Part of me wants
to, because the IC is pretty "pro-marriage", and has been
supportive and optomistic about us improving our M (at least
before she knew about the A). She also was consistent about
telling WH that he needed to have an "anchor" (me) when
having mental/emotional issues and that he should appreciate
it ! Also thought, since I've been going all along, it is
something that sort of "bonds" WH and I together. (and I
can guarantee that OW knows nothing about this !!) and I
also want WH to continue his therapy and feel like he needs
the support and encouragement.

If we do go, perhaps it'd be best to tell the IC that it
just needs to be IC for WH and his "issues" again and not
discuss marriage issues, but I'm sure she's going to be
wondering what's going on, since last visit was so negative.
My IC suggested I continue to go, as long as WH was asking
me to. What does everyone think ?

Slammed

Why do you have to be home when he gets home..

how interesting and exciting is shredding paper... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

better to be out...bring him home HALF a fabulous dessert from some fabulous restaurant and confess you couldn't finish the WHOLE thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't care if you sit at a bookstore drinking decaf...

stop on the way home get the dessert and quit being home...shredding paper..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

ARK

I agree with your IC. I would be real supportive of him unless you find out he is seeing the OW. Then I would Plan B him.

Good ideas, ARK-
Didn't expect he'd be home before I went to bed last night,
so when I heard the garage door opening, I ran upstairs,
started shredding and sorting so I would look like I was
busy and not "waiting around" for WH. Not a great "180",
but thought it might at least show I was moving forward
with cleaning and sorting things, getting the taxes done
myself instead of waiting on him, and "not worrying about
whether he was doing something with OW or not"..

The dessert plan sounds great- will make a stop on the
way home...

Believer- Thanks for your thoughts and the tips about
the towel bars ! (I smiled when I read about your young
son doing this). I thought it was funny when WH said he
was installing the bathroom items, as when we renovated
the bathroom in our current house, WH didn't want to do
it and we had my Dad do it ! So, he's either become
more "handy", really wanted to save money by not having
the contractors do it, or it was an excuse to see OW !
I agree with your thoughts on going to the IC session,
could even tell her that I've come to be a support and
help with HIS issues, but don't want to discuss any M
related issues while he still has contact with OW. ?????

Milkshake - It is a great feeling to learn a new skill or
realize you can accomplish something by yourself. I am
fairly "handy" ( my Dad was a woodworker and general
contractor, so my summer jobs as a kid were roofing and
helping install sprinklers) but felt good this summer
when I mowed, trimmed, fertilized, took care of the dog,
house, and car alone. Also, helped my Dad with finishing
a tiling job in our shower and installing new floor in
a bathroom.

Slammed

Good morning all,
The evening was quiet, but did well with a "180" which
did seem to get WH's attention. Knowing he'd be at his alcohol class and not home until about 8pm, I went home directly from work so I could relax a bit and eat. Then, dressed back up in my work clothes and left the house to
go pick up a dessert at a local restaurant.
Timed it to get back home just a few minutes after WH
did, so he was surprised by finding me out when he got
home-
WH was changing clothes, then came down and looked around
for something to eat. He asked "where were you ?" and I
just smiled and said "went out with work friends", then
casually added "had some leftover dessert if you'd like
it". He didn't comment (and didn't eat it), but made a
sandwich for himself and sat down to watch TV.
I did some things in the kitchen after changing, and
then sat down in the family room to watch TV also,
however when WH went upstairs to lay down and watch
TV, I stayed downstairs. Went up awhile later to get
ready for bed, and just after I got upstairs, WH went
downstairs and outside, obviously to make a call.
Wasn't very long, and came back up to continue with
watching his show. A short time later, his phone rang,
he looked at it, said something like "dang it", and
went back down for another brief time. I assume he
might have left a message the first time and OW
was calling him back, but thought how stupid it is
that he acts like he's annoyed when she calls- since
he could put an end to it !!
I didn't say anything, but after the second call,
I went in the other bathroom to get ready for bed
and really didn't say anything the rest of the night
(not acting mad or unfriendly, just not paying any
attention to him).
This morning, we both got ready for work, and as
WH is not a good "morning person" didn't say much,
as usual. As he left, he asked me if his clothes
looked okay, then said he didn't have volleyball
tonight, so maybe we could go out to dinner ? and
that he'd "touch base" with me during the day.

I was very surprised, as I'd have assumed he still
had the game (a work-related team) and he could
have just told me he did and then gone to meet OW.
Wonder if this means things aren't really as "cemented"
with OW as I'd thought ??? Or, could just be she's
busy tonight.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I'm just keeping to doing my job today and will see how
the day goes. I have no idea what to expect with him on
the weekend, as there's been no further mention of his
moving to the other house (not that he would tell me
of his plans) so don't know if it's all done now, or
will still be another week or so. He's supposed to have
the 2nd part of a hair transplant (don't ask !) next
Friday (24th), so don't know that he'd feel too good
to be moving, but whatever...
I am trying to get my plans made so I'll have things to
do on the weekend and won't be around the house too much.
If he's not moving, I'm sure he'll have some excuses ready
for things he needs to do "at the new house" for the day and/or night so he can spend some time with OW, so guess
I'm going to have to just expect it and not put much thought
or worry to it.

Slammed





Is also interesting to note that the preliminary paperwork
we filled out for D is just still sitting where it's been
all this time

Slammed,

good job on the 180 last night!

Ok, my thoughts, do something like this tonight!

Just cause he wants to get together (if he still does), doesn't mean you are available......just say you are going to a movie and will be home later (and do go see the movie), or whatever.....

He is not committed to the M at this point Slammed. He is throwing you crums to keep you on the side lines. Don't accept that!

BTW, thank you for your comments on my thread.....

Daisy

Oh boy do I agree..

call him with news that you are heading out this night....

IF he mentions that he had mentioned dinner...

say..

Oh Yeah...I guess you did say something bout that...ooooh I guess I forgot sorry...
you should eat that delicious dessert though it was soooo good....


also dear I picked up some boxes for you at the grocery store.....thought you might need them....

gotta go..
talk to you later love....

xxoo
slammed....

ARK

Slammed, I agree with Daisy and Ark. Just b/c you were not home when your WH came home, he was surprised! That's how much he was used to seeing you waiting for him at home. Time to break some of his selfish belief!

I agree with the therapist that you have been the anchor in his life, and he will feel so lost w/o you, but he has to find it out himself... He can't assume you are always there for him as a starter... hee hee.

ark.....

LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />! I love the cake idea....it has a nice touch <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />....

Go on Slammed...follow ark's advice <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hope your evening went okay, Slammed...

While u r having dessert, go pick up some of his things and start putting them in boxes.....if you are mad, put them in big trash bags. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Or if you are like me and really pissed off.....throw 'em out on the front lawn. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Yep, it did happen but that was after I packed him nicely the 1st time, 2nd time, used bags the 3rd and 4th times, may be even the 5th time but at some point, it just went flying out the door.

I would personally hate to see you suffer as long as I did. I can easily go to that mode now and mine is home being a good boy. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

How did your evening go Slammed?

Milk