Why r u still in plan A. To accomplish: _______________?

R U ready for plan B?

L.

Orchid-
I guess I am as ready for Plan B as possible.
I've tried to stay in A, throwing in as many 180's as
possible, at the suggestion of many here and my talk
with Jennifer at MB a couple of weeks ago.
The purpose was supposed to be "reminding" my WH of the good times, fun we had together, plans we had made, and meeting his needs as much as possible, so as to make the Plan B even more effective.

I've really been struggling and having a hard time since
I had just started to feel some hope, some optomism and
a tiny bit of trust for WH, when he changed his "tune"
so drastically and went from "want to work on things,
want to be together, and saying ILY again, back to the
WS script of "want to be alone, need my space, want to
have my own things and own place" a couple of weeks ago.

I'm confused and can't quite figure out what is going on
with WH and OW now. They were supposedly "broken up" for
about two months and weren't seeing each other, but still
had a lot of phone contact going on and WH was not being
honest with her so I feel that he must have been still
hanging on to hopes of getting back with her.
Whether it was guilt, the addiction really getting to him
or a change on her part, he certainly changed a full 180
degrees just after we got back from our nice trip together
and has been back to the full-blown alien behavior and
talk since. Two weeks ago he said he had to go on a weekend
trip with her in order to "finalize" things and be able to
move on with a clean slate- obviously not what a logical
person would do to resolve or finalize anything, but an
attempt to get back together, I'm sure.
The following week, he "had" to go stay overnight at her
house while she was supposedly out of town and had no one
else to feed her horses and dogs. Of course, he says this
"doesnt mean anything"- he's just "helping her out" due
to friendship and because she doesn't know anyone else,
etc.
Expected that these times together would have "fanned the
flames" and had them back into the full-blown A, so was
surprised that WH was around home all last weekend, and each evening last week. Was curious to see that we got
no phone calls on our house phone, and WH got no cell calls
in the evenings, after all the calling she had been doing
and her constantly calling him. Also noticed his acting
very moody and down, so wondered if things didn't go as
well as planned, or if just an issue of his adjusting to
medication and his disorder.

Thursday night, WH told me he was going to take a friend to
see the house he's been renovating and eat dinner with him.
I had my doubts but said little. WH got home at a reasonable
time, and I've found no proof otherwise, but don't know what
he really did.

Friday night, WH was home, but I saw him using his phone
outside and assumed he was calling OW. It was very brief,
so appeared he must have left a message. Yesterday morning
OW called our house early, leaving a message for WH that
she hoped to wake him so he could go with her to a nearby
town to look at something. She called a second time, and
that got WH up, showering, and off to meet her (I was going
to work). I worked four hours, then met friends for lunch
and came home. Didn't know if WH would be coming home or
what to expect, and I just went about things I needed to do
around the house. WH got home just before I was leaving to
go to a hair appointment, and we spoke only briefly, but
WH said he had decided "he was going to spend the night at
the new house". I asked "why ?" (as there is no furniture
or anything there, and he says he plans to move there soon
anyway). He said he "wanted to be alone", and "had been
looking forward to sleeping there ever since buying that
house". I left without further comment and went to my
appointment. Afterwards, I had a voicemail on my cell from
WH, saying "He was leaving our house to head over to the
new house and had taken a blanket from the hall closet to
use. That he knew I didn't understand it, but he wanted time
alone and maybe he could do some soul searching while there
and think about what he wanted to do. That he had been
looking forward to sleeping there ever since buying the
house. That he was not back with OW, that she was not his
GF, that he had gone with her to look at a horse trailer
just to help with the financial dealings (his business)
and that was all it was, nothing else. That he hoped I
could try to understand it, and that maybe we could talk
some today". Got home, and he had left a note on the bed,
saying the same exact things (???????) He also said he'd
call me later, but didn't.
I did try to call him last night and got no answer on his
cell (dog was throwing up several times and I wondered if
he had given her something odd to eat).

Today, I got up and even considered driving over by the new
house to see if WH was really there. My gut feeling is that
he did something with OW last night and probably stayed at
her house, or did something with her and then just slept at
the new house. Was still thinking about it, when WH came
home (about 9am). He smelled like cologne (his), and was
VERY grouchy. Didn't say much, but did ask if he had gone
out or done something since I couldn't reach him. This
really set him off, with him saying I was always "accusing
him of things. I said "no", I just thought you might have
gone to eat, or done something since I couldn't reach you.
Naturally- he said he didn't see my call or show that I
had tried to reach him on his phone. (which is hilarious
since he keeps that phone with him like a siamese twin and
checks it constantly !) He made a sandwich and started
eating, but was pacing, and seemed very anxious and
uncomfortable. I continued on with laundry and things I
was doing. A bit later, he came upstairs and started
taking some things from our office room to his car.
(items he had at his rented room when we were previously
seperated). Right about that time, his cell phone rang
and he went downstairs and outside on the deck to talk,
so obviously, it was OW.
Came back in a bit and continued with what he was doing,
then said he was going over to the house to do some
measuring and take a few things.
I said "you seem upset or uncomfortable today- is there
anything you want to talk about ?"
He said "no", that he was tired of talking, that he had
told me how he felt, that he wanted to be "alone, and
on his own, that he wanted to move to the other house,
didn't feel comfortable at our house".
I said " how about us working on the new house together,
and getting back to taking things slow and trying to
create a new fresh marriage and fresh start" ?
He said- "He didn't feel comfortable with me working
on the new house with him, and hadn't I heard him say
he wanted to be alone ??"
So, I said "well, if you ever get it all over with OW,
let me know and maybe I would be willing to try again".
He said- "What is that supposed to mean, becuase OW has nothing to do with this, and that they are not together.
I said "well, you went with her for the day yesterday and continue to talk on the phone".
He said- "His talking to her and seeing her was about 95
percent less than it used to be".
I said- "Well,that 5 percent is still keeping you attached
to her and away from our life and our relationship"

I said- "WH, I have been loving, caring, supportive,as
helpful as possible with your medical and legal issues,
and have shown patience and tolerance for a long time
now, but I don't like being in limbo and I don't like
living like this", and everyone has a limit".

I then went back to the laundry room, and WH left, saying
he was going to the house to take some measurements.

Please, all, give me your feedback on my "take" on this:
WH and OW may not be gettin together all the time or talking
as much, but something is still going on. Don't know if OW
put an ultimatum that she wouldn't see him until he moved
from our house, is playing "hard to get", or has decided
to just "be friends", but WH must still have hopes of
getting together ? (Why won't he just admit their is still
something going on instead of denying it so adamantly ?)

His wanting to move to the other house is a way to keep
pursuing OW "just in case" ??

His "wanting to be alone, wanting his own space, not sure if
he wants to be married, doesn't want to work on things" is
just fog talk and babble ?

I should stick with Plan A and 180's until he does move
(sounds like next weekend) then wait a short time and go
to B ???

What a miserable day.....
Slamed <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Give him lots of space but on your timeline. Move him out now when he isn't ready.

JMHO and what I did when I was in plan B.
L.

{{{Slammed}}}

I caught up with your thread. How are you? You have gone through a lot in such a short period of time. Please hang in there.

I think you did great <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> and should be proud that you actually told your WH :

"WH, I have been loving, caring, supportive,as
helpful as possible with your medical and legal issues,
and have shown patience and tolerance for a long time
now, but I don't like being in limbo and I don't like
living like this", and everyone has a limit".

It's about time that WH realizes it's not all up to him to decide whether he "feels" like being married or not - YOU can also decide to end it too, if you want to. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

And because you have been so sweet and supportive, your strong attitude should be effective. My case is different - I always voiced my complaints quite loudly and showed that I was upset if I saw H doing something strange, unfair, or sneaky in the past, so if I would have said what you said to mine, it won't be 180. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Your WH is very indecisive. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> I do not neccesarily think WH is "lying" about "wanting to be alone". It's possible that WH does feel he has cut back his time with OW (although, what the h*** is that supposed to mean, that his time with OW has been cut back by 95%??? This is not Ms. Laura's lean meat you are trying to buy you know - it has to be 100% fat free, contact free!) and still being accused by you. But what does he expect??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> So if YOU are sleeping with another man and turn around and tell WH that "I am not sleeping with him every day anymore, I only sleep with him once a week, so be happy about it", he is supposed to say "oh thank you dear"??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> I know none of these logics would work for those guys in the fog, but what he is saying is so selfish.

And, even though he may actually want to be "alone" for now, I do not think that will last. Men always want to have company, and it will be a matter of time WH starts missing having someone around him.

Does WH think you will be always there for him no matter how badly he cheated on you? When is he moving out? I am just wondering if there is any way w/o lying to make WH get scared of "losing" you if he continues to think only of himself and to have contact with OW.

What does your gut feeling tell you? Do you really think your WH can be happy with OW? I truly doubt it. She sounds way too unstable and immature. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> And I actually believe that WH knows this. But somehow he feels suffocating (like mine said to me - although interestingly mine complained that I did not do things like watching movies with him enough, which is a contradicting statement), and the only solution he can come up with now is to be alone. That's just my 2 cents. So in the end, I do not think your WH is out of his fog yet and is still very confused about what he really wants.

My take is that it's possible that now he knows in his head that he cannot try to look for things/people externally to make him happy, and b/c of this, he may not necessarily having the frequent contacts with OW (he knows OW is not the answer?), YET he cannot help but to have SOME contact with her still, b/c he is still "missing" something... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I wonder about my H too - I do not know if he will ever be able to become a resonponsible person who handles stress in a healthy way and accepts hardships in life as they are instead of escaping from problems all the time. Unfortunately, I am thiking he will never.... he seems just too weak to me..., and always blaming others b/c he has a low self-esteem and cannot take the blame on himself...

Hugs,
Milk

Thanks, Orchid, for the suggestion- sounds like a good idea
to "take them by surprise" and it's definitely a good 180 !

Milk-
Thanks for your support and comments.
I know that WH hates to talk about things, and I didn't
have any new "revelations" or things to tell him that I've
haven't already said, but I just wanted to calmly let him
know that I am reaching my "limit", am tired of the situation as it is, and reiterate that I feel like I've
done all I can do. Whether it even registered with him,
I don't know, but at least I had "said my peice".

I do think that WH thinks I will still be "there" for him,
trying to make it work and willing to take him back, no
matter what he does or how horrible he acts, and I would
like to get through to him that there are consequences to
actions and choices, and that I too, do have a say in what
happens in the future.
I think a large part of this issue is his disfunctional
family and upbringing- he never had to do anything for him-
self, never had to take responsibility for anything, and had
his family (especially his Mom) "ooing and aahhhing" over
everything he did (she still does) as though he could do no
wrong and was better than everyone else. My IC has said this
has likely contributed to WH having quite a narcisstic type
attitude, so he does feel superior and judgemental over
others. Besides our relationship, I have a feeling this has
also been involved to some degree in WH's lack of ability
to make/keep friends, keep jobs, etc. because he tends to
always view himself as the victim. (sounds like your WH too)

WH is indeed very indecisive. He doesn't seem to be this
way in business and other issues (and has always gotten on
me about being a procrastinator) but in our situation, he's
been a top-notch "fence sitter".
I get the feeling that even he does not expect anything
real to come of the A with OW, but for whatever reason
(guilt, weakness, character, can't be the "bad guy", SA,)
he can't keep from going back for "more". When I think of
the relationships of his I've known about (college GF,
GF with whom he has daughter, previous A partner) I think
they have all broken it off with him, and wonder if he just
doesn't have the courage or ability to do it himself ?
(may fall into the "can't be the bad guy" issue that my IC
has mentioned)

I don't know what to think about the situation with OW,
except to know there's still "something" going on since he's
spent some time with her lately and they still talk on the
phone. Whether she's hanging on to him for convenience, he's
hanging on to her for SF, both or one of them is playing a
game, or what.... they both seem to have issues with an
addiction and/or obsession (all the phone calls, the nasty
behavior on her part). I wondered if perhaps she had said
she wouldn't see him until he moved from our house, but the
few incidents of them getting together in the past few weeks
would kind of "break" that theory. Maybe she's just either
telling him they can be "friends" or is playing some kind
of "hard to get" game with him instead. Or, he is wishful
thinking that they will get back together, and thus his
foggy talk, and moving out, to make this more convenient
and easy ?
You may also be right about him wanting some space and
time to be alone- I think with adjusting to medication,
doing counseling, his legal issues going on, and trying to
"burn the candle" at both ends with both me and OW, he must
be mentally exhausted and may just want to be left alone.
He's not good at being alone though, so don't think he'd
last long.

Funny that your WH has also used the term "suffocating" as
that's exactly what mine has been saying. I have said- "it's
not from anything I am doing" because I really feel like I
have been giving him yards of space, and am not doing any-
thing that should make him feel pressured or uncomfortable.
I think whatever it is , is coming from himself, his lies,
his keeping it all straight, and jumping back and forth on
both sides of the fence ! Coincidentally,my WH has also
told me this, but then when I'm not doing something with him
has either asked me to, or has said "why are you being mean
to me"?

From what WH says, he is planning to move out in the next
1-2 weeks. (although as far as I know, he has nothing set
up as far as a moving truck, people to help with moving
things, and we've not discussed anything at all about what
things he would take, etc.) Although I think it will be less
stress on me if he moves out (especially if the suspicious
activities and calls with OW continue), I also feel very
bad if he does, because it will feel like a huge setback
and a much more permanent arrangement for him to have taken
furniture, all his belongings, etc and set up house all for
himself. I also feel hurt and disappointed that after my
helping with things in the new house and seeing it as it
came along, I would be excluded. If we did work things out
later, I think I would feel very funny about moving into
"his" house, especially after he chose all the colors,
carpets, decorations, and would have his things set up there
already. Guess I don't have to worry about that right now.

About two hours after WH left to go take measurements at
the house this morning, he called to see if I wanted to meet
for lunch ? I said, "OK", and we met at a pizza place.
I didn't know if WH wanted to meet to talk about something,
if if it was "just" lunch, but got there and he was in a
very down, quiet mood and not talkative at all. I tried to
keep it "light", make some conversation, and did ask if he
wanted to talk about anything ,but he said "no".
Afterwards, he asked if I wanted to come with him on an
errand, so I did. He was picking out towel bars for the new
house, and asked my opinion a couple of times. Otherwise,
I didn't comment, since I feel very excluded in this project
he has. From there, he was going back over to that house,
and I stopped at the grocery store, then came home.
WH called earlier to talk about dinner, and said "how about
if we ate about 830pm?" I asked "why so late ?", and he
said "He wanted to put up the towel bars and get some other
things done around that house before the workmen come back
tomorrow".
I didn't say anything, but feel very skeptical about this.
First of all, WH is not handly and I don't know that he could install all the towel bars and toilet paper holders
himself. How would it would take five hours ????? And,
isn't that what he has the contractors to do???
Makes me suspicious that he's either driving up to Ow's
house or meeting her somewhere...
Won't be any way for me to know, but I'll look in his
car to see if the towel bars are still there or if he
took them to the house.

Don't know what else to do except keeping trying to give
lots of space, continue to be kind and polite, but show
more indifference (180s) and continue to observe what is
going on.
Slammed

Milk- Forgot to add- your comment about "Ms. Laura's lean
meat" made me laugh <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I had just come from the grocery
store and actually saw that product while I was there.

Also- Just called WH to tell him I looked out and it has
snowed enough to cover the ground white. He didn't answer
his cell. If he was really at the house, working on things
there'd be no reason he wouldn't, so this definitely
convinces me he's doing something with OW.
Maybe she's just playing more "hard to get" this time, so
he's having to work harder at convincing her to get back
with him again and that's why he is so down and moody.????
Gosh, if he'd put that much effort into our R, we would never have had a problem !
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Slammed

call in sick from work tomorrow...do it after your wh has left for his job. MOVE HIM OUT...pack all his stuff into garbage bags..

do it like orchid said...when he LEAST EXPECTS IT..

and go totally dark. you can write the pbletter a few days from now. just do it.

do not answer his calls...lock him out..change them better yet..

he's still in affair hon.

biggie time.

you did a good plan A

now cut bait and let him go...do plan b. very very dark.

let the ow take care of the man who has the issues and is seeing a shrink. let her deal with his ups and downs...you're done for now.

LET OW DEAL WITH THE WS.

she won't like it.

let them love bust alone.

don't let ws call the shots...YOU DECIDE who stays and who goes. and it is him who goes.

after all, the man has it made..he's got a toilet, and towel rack and toilet paper holder now huh?

Slammed,

I agree with Orchid and Peachy. As hard as it is....move him out now!!! You are going to die a thousand deaths in the next to 2 weeks, making it worse on you, if you don't move him out now. His in-your-face adultery AGAIN have closed the door, and you cannot open it. If you try to open it, it will just slamm in your face again. Take money to get a legal sep., gather all paperwork now. Protect yourself before he takes all. No more rides for him, no more visits to his Dr's. Complete plan B. Hide all the cards pictures etc...that OW gave you. Get copies of his phone calls if you can.

Lady

Thanks Peachy and Ladysheep-
I would love the "shock value" and huge 180 degree
effect that moving him out and "shutting down" on
him would have, but was told when I consulted a
lawyer in the fall, that I cannot force him out of
the house or change the locks unless I have grounds
for a restraining order due to domestic violence.
(because we co-own the house)so don't have a way
to force him out sooner than he decides to go.

He has far more income than I do, but we jointly
own our house, my car, some real estate, and most
everything else we have, and I made copies months
ago of all the statements, deeds, bills, etc. "just
in case" I needed them.
The package of cards/letters and pictures that OW sent
me are hidden- (I think WH thinks that I shredded them).
I also opened my own bank account a few months ago, so
have put a little money of my own away.
If it should come to D, our state is "no fault", so
you don't file on any grounds, and everything is split
50/50.
There's not been any problem in regards to him cutting
off funds at least- he has continued to contribute the
bigger "chunk" towards the household expenses and bills,
and I don't think he will change on that as he is in
the banking/finance business and good credit and finances
are extremely important to him (and essential to his
job). However, should it come to him backing out of
any of his obligations, I would be able to file a legal
seperation. (Lawyer advised that there was not much
purpose to it since no kids, unless finances become an
issue).

With this in mind, can you give suggestions on preparing
for his move, in order to make the Plan B very effective ?

Detach as much as possible, stay busy, show no interest in
helping with house, ask no questions, no R talk, no OW talk,
but still courteous when he is home ?
Sleep in guest room myself until he moves out ?
Act anxious, even pleased he is moving ? (or at least not
act sad or upset ??)
Question and confront on lies and continued contact with Ow
or no comment ?

Wait about a week after he moves to do Plan B and letter
(suggested by someone who said it might get more attention
than if it is right at the time of the move) ??
Jennifer said I could send PBL to her for critique and I
can also post here for help.

Peachy- You are right- the shrink, the meds, the counseling,
the alcohol classes, community service and upcoming legal
issues probably aren't going to be very "fun" for OW.
(She knows about the DUI since she was with WH at the time,
but I don't think she knows much at all about the rest of
it, especially his disorders). He is so moody and grouchy
that you'd think she'd already have gotten tired of it and
would have no interest, but something has her hooked, just
as he is...

Thank you for your ideas and support !!!
Slammed

Slammed,
He is taking it all out on you. Believe me OW is not seeing the real side yet!

Don't hold off Plan B for too much longer. This man is seeing another woman while living with you, everything is in the open, and he has no shame about it!

He is being so desrespectful to you.

Is there really no way to kick him out?

Is this not emotional abuse?

Daisy

Do you have a Plan B letter ready? Are you going to be able to stay very dark? That is what I would work on right now.

Daisy-
Nice to hear from you ! How are you doing, and how are
things in your situation ?

WH IS very disrespectful and seems in total disregard
to anything/anyone other than his pursuit of OW.
I guess I can see why A's are likened to addictions,
because I can't imagine a drug addict or alcoholic
acting more selfish, hurtful, and so uncaring about
the pain and devestation they have caused, and so
blinded by needing their "fix" that they would risk
losing so much.
It hurts and amazes me that WH is willing to give up
a real relationship, for 11 years, where we did everything
together, were best friends, supported each other through
tough times, deaths in family, tough finance, etc. all
for the sleazy, trashy W*&%e he has known for all of six
months.
I also can't believe that he is driving around to meet or
see her and go back and forth to the other house, when his
license is suspended and he'd be in even more legal trouble
if he gets caught.

Being back on the "roller-coaster" has been so hard, after
feeling some hope for a short time. I also know that WH's
moving out will be the hardest, saddest day I've had so far
but I'm also anxious for it since it'll get his behavior
and lies "out of my face".

You are probably right in that OW has never seen the "real"
WH, although even back when she called me in OCtober, she
mentioned something about how moody and judgemental he was.
She knows of his legal issues, at least some, but I don't
think he's told her about his mental/emotional issues (I
think he actually denied all of that after I told OW he
had some problems) and if he said anything about his going
to counseling or the psychiatrist, I'm sure he minimized it
considerably-

This is very tough, but I guess I'm going to try to just
concentrate on me and let him go.
I fear for his safety and mental health, but he's an adult
and if he isn't worried about it,I guess I shouldnt be.
Slammed

Slammed all WS's are mentally ill....seriously! All WS's are deceptive liars, whether w/ bipolar, meds or not.

I asked my H's Dr. if what my H did, ONS, was because of his mental illness. Dr. told me "no." You see there is no excuse, and thankfully the Dr. wouldn't let him use that one either.

Your H's moodiness is most likely due to WS syndrome, and alcohol abuse at times, and the fact that he is playing you. Meds are not going to help him as long as he is in that particular sin, as adultery is a character change for the worst, no amount of meds can change that. The meds will just numb him. Repentance toward God and you is the only answer, and he is not sorry nor repentant. I'm sorry he used you slammed to be his support system after his Dui trauma, but I knew it wouldn't last. I only hope you will recover from it.

Lady

Slammed,
Lady is right. There is only so much that you can blaim on his "mental health".

Fact is that your H (just as mine) are people that are responsible for their actions just like we are, mental problems or not! This is not an excuse to mistreat people.

My H would pull this all the time. "I have chronic depression"....that was his excuse for not helping me, for getting frastrated and taking it out on me....I mean the man told me I could go and kill myself and he would not care when I was upsett about him verbally mistreating me (I never even said anything about killing myself!)....all in the "I just get frastrated when I am depressed". Sheesh, who doesn't get frastrated!? But we don't all resort to mistreatment of the other person. There is no excuse for what he is doing to you Slammed.

Daisy

The disrespect of this otherwoman calling your house and inviting your husband out shopping..

and the audacity of him taking the call makes my stomach curl up ...

YOU need serious serious serious 180's leading to a plan B..

1. CHANGE YOUR HOME PHONE NUMBER TOMORROW....JUST DO IT..
GET ONE PHONE IN THE HOUSE PORTABLE..KEEP IT ON YOU WHEN HOME.....UNPLUG THE DAYUM ANSWERING MACHINE...

2. TAKE STUFF OF HIS TO HIS NEW HOUSE....START GETTING RID OF HIS STUFF.....START CLEARING OUT ROOMS...

3. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY HAVE SOMETHING TO DO EACH AND EVERY EVENING THIS WEEK...THINGS THAT MAKE HIM SAY HMMMMMMMMM
INFACT I SUGGEST YOU PLAN AN OVERNIGHT AWAY THIS WEEKEND...JUST GO SOMEWHERE..TELL HIM TO CALL YOU ON YOUR CELL IF IT IS AN EMERGENCY...

no fighting
be breezy and happy...

say things like..
well dear with the way all your meds make you tire easily I just thought helping you box up things would be helpful..

take down some picutures of you and he here and there...or take down some things that he has gotten you that have meaning and say NOTHING....

I WANT YOU IN HIS FACE MOVING ON....
I want you really turning up the idea that YOU have some other interesting things going on in your life..
and I want you to QUIT being where HE expects you all the time....

I want you to see a lawyer and find out what your legal rights are to his house as marital joint property...

I want you to write an awesome plan B letter that leaves him reeling..

ARK

Slammed!

Are you going to post your Plan B letter here? I would strongly advice that.....I would think ARK wants her hands on it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />! (just kidding! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />)

Seriously, post it here as well, get the most input you can......

And do follow ark's advice....she is so on the money! I think you look like a push over to WH. I know you are not, but that is what he is seeing I am afraid. Change the number, or get rid of the house phone all together....people have your cell they can reach you there!

Take care Slammed....

DAisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I second the motion for changing the phone number. ANY AMOUNT OF HASSLE IS WORTH IT!!!!! I don't care if the number has been in your family for centuries.

Get it unlisted, and ask to have blocked calls blocked, so each and every caller has to show their phone number.

Listen to Ark and Daisy. They are so right about this.

Slammed, I am so glad to see you are getting great advice from everyone. I agree with Daisy that your WH thinks he could just walk all over on you. You are quite contrary, a very strong person.

Whether it's the lock, phone number or whatever, those changes will definitely surprise WH. I like ark's idea of taking the weekend trip and being mysterious. WH has no idea how lucky he is to have an option (which is fading quickly though) to stay married to you! He cannot assume you will there for him forever no matter what he does to you! I mean, usually people try to "hide" their affairs right? WH does not even do that b/c he trusts your love so much... He needs to wake up.

Thanks everyone~ !!
LadySheep and Daisy-
I think that WH's mental illness(es) may have led him
to try to find "diversion" from his discontentment and
depression, but in no way can it be used as an excuse
for his A and his behaviors. As my IC has pointed out,
"lots of people have bipolar disorder, and they aren't
all having affairs" !!
I have always told WH that it is not his fault that he has the disorders/illnesses he has, but it IS his fault if he didn't seek help or do something about it, and he is still
responsible for his behavior.
WH has actually never said or insinuated that his disorders
or other issues have been a reason or excuse for any of the
things he's done- he's actually been just the opposite, in
saying that they have "nothing" to do with any of it, that
his thinking is "clear", etc.

I'm glad that he finally decided to get some help with
medication and getting a counselor, and eventually maybe
he will get to the "roots" of a lot of his issues and
be able to function much better as a person, but I see
clearly that this personality change from honest and
sincere to lying, deceptive and phony, is the FOG and
A.

In thinking about OW and her actions- I feel nothing but
revulsion, disgust and contempt for her and consider her
a low-class, sleazy, w&%$e. I had a little respect for
her when she called me and was honest about their A, asked
about all the lies he had told, and seemed sincere in
wanting to find out the truth, however, as soon as she fell
for his "story" about it and continued the A with him, after
knowing he was still married and had lied, all respect or
any sympathy I had for her went right out the window !!
I think her behavior, such as the constant calling, nasty
comments to me, messages on our machine, and sending the
packet to me have demonstrated her to be quite an unstable,
needy, controlling and manipulative person, but are also
related to what the WH has been telling her, and I know he's
been lying to her too.
From what I can "put together", the "story" seems to be
that WH told her he was scared, anxious, and depressed
after the DUI, and needed to do some "soul searching" about
what he wanted to do. This was apparently the reason they
stopped seeing each other in early January. He didn't tell
her he was spending time with and seeing me though, or that
I was going with him to his appointments. I'm sure he also
didn't tell her the full extent of his diagnosis with bi-
polar, other disorders, how complicated it is to get the
meds right, the reason he's in counseling etc !
Right after WH moved home at end of January is when the
barrage of calls from OW began, and I think this was her
feeling insecure and worried about him being home and around
me. I believe though that WH told her it was just for sake of "convenience", and that we weren't "back together" or
working on the M. I think that WH told her we were getting
divorced and wouldnt be getting back together "regardless"
of whether she and he were back together or not, which led
her to talk to me as though I was just staying there at the
house, "sponging" off WH, and being pathetic to be trying
to use his DUI as a way to get him back.
I don't know now, if she called because he has said I'm not
staying there, or if she doesn't care because she thinks we
are just there "as roommates" , divorcing, and that she can
call him if she wants to ??
Too bad there isn't some trick way to get the information
to her that I am indeed there, we are not "roommates", not currently D, that I've been going to all his appointments with him, that we went on a trip together, that we sleep in our bedroom together, etc...... however, I don't want to
talk to her as she is so nasty and has managed to turn
everything I've said around to gain sympathy from WH and
make him mad at me, or to use against us and our M.

ARK~
I love the 180 ideas ! It is hard to "opposite" of my own
normal habits and patterns, so is very helpful to have
some specific examples of things I can do.
I actually did start cleaning up and sorting things as a
part of my "spring cleaning" and staying busy this weekend
so can "build" on that as far as throwing out, packing some
of WH's things, etc.
We don't have many photos and items around the house, but
I'll take down a wedding photo and a few other family
pictures.
I'll make some plans for each evening, be less available,
and see if I can make a weekend away plan (although I have
to work Saturday and will need to figure out what to do
with our dog) as well.
Please, keep the ideas coming.

I will start working on the PBL, and will post it here in
addition to sending to to Jennifer, as she suggested.

Not-so-you-neak (I love your "byline" !!)
Thanks for the phone information.
I'm wondering if, since WH plans to move either this
coming weekend or next week, if changing the number is
still pertinent ? Once he's out of our house, I don't
think OW would be calling. What are everyone's thoughts ?

Milk- Thanks for the continued support. I agree, that WH
feels he can do "whatever" and still "weasel" his way back
(whether it be me or OW). I assume this is partly due his
upbringing where he never had to do anyting or take any
responsibility for anything, and also partly because he
knows I've been loving, caring and supportive in the past
so he assumes I'd do it again. I hope the stronger 180's
and then "dropping him like a hot potato" when he moves will
get the point across.
He is still trying to hide the resumed A, although he is
a poor liar, and I think he knows I don't believe him.
Apparently though, if he comes up with some story that he
thinks sounds "believeable", he must feel that he is fooling
me and can go on with his "wants to be alone" plan rather
than admitting the A is back on (don't know why they don't
just admit it though !!) His calling yesterday afternoon to
say he was going to go work at the new house and would be
home about 830pm for dinner is a good example-
1) He isn't handy and I don't think he could have installed
the items he said he was doing.
2) He has contractors doing all these tasks, so wouldn't
have needed to do it himself.
3) It wouldn't have taken 5 hours anyway
4) If really doing that, I could have reached him, but when
I tried to call him, I got no answer on his cell.

He did get home right about 830pm, changed, ate, watched
some tv, and got ready for bed. I didn't make too much
conversation, but was pleasant and polite, and continued
on with some things I was doing around the house, read
the paper, got a shower, etc.
WH got a call on his cell and left the room, so must have
been OW calling. He then got ready for bed, and after
inadvertently taking a larger than normal dose of his meds
fell asleep quickly and slept hard all night long.
This morning, we both just got up and ready, and said "bye".
Don't know if he does it for "show", or if it's some form
of "security blanket", but he was wearing his ring. (I don't
act like I notice or comment either way).

You know, I'm a pretty good "snoop", but haven't found any
thing to indicate he's made any plans for a moving truck
or people to help with it. As much stuff as he has (not
even counting furniture) I would think he'd plan to take
it all at once, and not by single car trips. If taking some
of our furniture, he'd also have to have help, because it's
all big and heavy stuff. Just had a thought !! His license
is suspended, so he probably cannot rent a truck himself.
Wonder if this means he's going to enlist OW for help ???
(I'm sure she'd love to help get him out of the house).
If I find out she's been in my house, I will go ballistic !

Wondering how he's going to keep "stalling" OW, since there
is no D in the works ??? (the paperwork we filled out and
signed/notarized back in August will become "null and void"
this Friday, so would have to start all over again, file,
do financials and settlement paperwork, plus wait mandatory
90 days). At least her asking about, and his stalling could
result in some big arguments and LB's !!

Slammed

I don't think I would let the divorce paperwork become null and void. I think he is still cake eating. I would continue protecting myself financially.