I am so thinking that.....
something that says...

hey eldorko...while waiting for you to get the fence post UNembedded in your a##...

I found a lovely place to live free from the torture...
and it has a............

HOT_TUB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

take the dog...
and go...

ARK

AND

slammed what do you think the chances are of him giving girlfriend your shared property..or selling to her cheaply so she can build...??

think he is thinking that one..

ark

and are you going to ALANON...cause I think that you should

Thanks, Milk.
I know you can well relate to a person who blames all their
problems, unhappiness, discontentment and difficulties in
life on something or someone else, since our Wh's are so
alike ! Seems like they are on the "perpetual search" for
the one perfect person who is going to "fix" everything for
them, and of course, that person doesn't exist.

I agree that WH has never been able to maintain a good
relationship. I don't know much of his history prior to
college, but his college girlfriend is the one with whom
he has his older daughter (13). Don't know all the details,
but apparently they dated in college, she got pregnant,
they got engaged and moved to his hometown where they lived
with his parent for awhile, then he moved out of town for
a job, and she moved back with her parents as she prepared
for their wedding. Before that ever happened, she broke off
the engagement.
When I met WH, he was in the midst of court proceedings with
XGF, as they established child support and visitation.
She's always been polite and okay with me, and I really do
like his daughter, and feel for her living situation.
(Her Mom has since had two more kids, both with different
men, changes jobs and moves often, has financial problems,
and all of them seem to have health and dental problems).

The Mother of WH's second daughter is a person with whom
he had a ONS. He didn't know about the daughter until she
was almost 3, and got served with paperwork for a paternity
test. WH said he wouldn't know her if he saw her, knows
nothing about her, and apparently had one night with her
after a lot of drinking on both their parts. He had never
spoken to the Mother, and has never seen the daughter-
He sends child support and has to carry the child on his
insurance, but has no contact at all with them.

WH's IC has discussed with him that people (like WH) who
did not have a good "foundation" for growing and developing
emotionally often times "fall back" to "other people, places
and things" when the "going gets tough" because they are
not emotionally equipped to handle things like a more mature
person would, and WH has agreed.
He discussed feeling like he had "escaped" the path that his
family had taken- all living in one area, all working "blue
collar jobs", none going to college or leaving the area, or
really making a career for themselves, however his IC pointed out that while he may have "escaped" physically, he
did not escape emotionally or mentally !

You are right that OW is not going to be able to fit the
bill either. I have wondered if the reason WH keeps going
back with OW is that he wants to be with someone who doesn't
know about all his "baggage" and still thinks he is "MR.
Wonderful"???
Funny though, OW does know about a lot of his lies, knows
I still love H and am trying to restore the M, knows about
WH's DUI, is apparently very paranoid and insecure about
their relationship. With all her constant calling on the
phone, and her sending me that package in the mail, I
think she has issues too !!!

I have not spoken with SH- I got Jennifer when I did my
session of MB counseling. I don't think WH would be willing
to talk to anyone right now, since he is in such a "don't
want to be married, want to be alone" mode, but it couldnt
hurt to ask. Thanks for the thought and hugs to you too,
Milk.
Slammed

nsyn...

I love it!

Slammed, why wait for him to move out.....you can move yourself. That would sure put a dent into his plans! You should just pack your stuff without him noticing and move into the new place. He wouls sure notice you!

Slammed, I am worried about you taking all this because of your H's mental issues. SLammed you are beginning to use that as an excuse for him!

Not even someone with mental issues, gets a free pass in life to screw around on his wife right in her face! I hate to be so blunt, that SLammed that is what he is doing. Right in your face! I hate to see this happeneing to you.

I think you should seriously examine waht has been happening since September. I read your story then and I am afraid not much has changed. You are dangerously close to having this become a life style. You are afraid to do anything, you say you are trading causiosly. But slammed, you are accepting this situation, not making any fuss. YOU making a fuss doesn't have to mean you yelling at WH. No, you stand up for yourself and show him this has got to stop!

Seriously Slammed, your WH does not get a free pass because of his mental issues. RIght now, I don't think your case is any different then other people's here. Yes, your H has issues, but the biggest opstical to your M is not his Mental issues right now, it is his AFFAIR! YOu got to do what has to be done to end it!

Forget about the mental issues for now. Slammed, look at him, he was well enough to start an A, is still stringing you along, etc........put the mental issues aside for now, and fight the A! Fight the alien, and fight the fog! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I think you should plant great seeds of doubt in the OW pathway...

ark

Not-so-you-neak and Ark~
Sorry, was posting at the same time, and am going back
and forth while at work, so I'm a little confused-
Were you agreeing I should stick with the current plan
to go to a dark Plan B as soon as WH moves to the new
house ?

I can't move to the new house since I don't have keys,
and it is all in WH's name. (there's also no fence yet
for the dog to be there), but could always suggest that
HE stay at our house, and I go !!!! (I'm sure I know
what WH would say, but it'd be good for a laugh, anyway).

I don't know what WH is up to with having some appointments
with a realtor, although my "speculation" was that he was
helping OW find a new place to live (I don't think she is
moving in with him). He's been absolutely opposed to selling
our lot , however recently we've had some offers on it
and he seems to be reconsidering. I think his motive was
to pay off some of the high credit card bills he has run
up, so don't think he'd sell it cheaply, even to OW.
He can't give it or sell it to anyone without my agreement
either, as it is in both our names, and I do have copies
of the paperwork. The loan on it is due to run out at end
of this month, so we've either got to sell it quickly or
will have to renew the loan. (It's also in another town
and not an area where OW could have her horses, which makes
me feel less likely she is involved in it).

BTW, I don't know much about Alanon, except believe it is
oriented for alcoholics and/or family members of such ???
I mentioned it to my Ic (who is a former drug and alcohol
counselor) and she didn't suggest it- suggested a support
group for people with bipolar disorder instead. Can you
tell me more about it ???

Thanks,
Slammed

Daisy~
Glad to hear from you. Hope you are doing well and will
write to you on your post too.

I am not thinking that WH's behaviors are okay because he
has some mental/emotional problems. As my IC has said,
"lots of people have bipolar disorder, and they aren't all
out having affairs" !
I've always said that while it was not his fault he had
these illnesses, it was his fault if he did nothing about
them, and he has NO excuse for not knowing right from wrong.
(And he clearly does know his behavior is wrong, even by
his own admission). He has not used his "issues" as an
excuse for his behavior, in fact, strongly denies that they
have anything to do with it at all... (and who knows???)
I view him same as the rest of the WS, who use very poor
judgement, get "addicted" and become totally alien creatures
due to the A.

I'm not accepting of his having an A, and don't mean for
my actions to condone or make him think that I am.
(And he fully knows exactly how I feel about it), and
I'm not afraid to take action- just don't know what action
to take since I feel like I've tried every "angle" I can
think of from confronting, yelling, and giving ultimatums
to talking calmly, reasoning, and using logic.
I've been trying to show that I am going on with or without
him, doing my own things, and not "desperate" to stay with
him.
As you know, I've not had to deal with the "in my face"
A actions before, since WH moved out with OW immediately
when the A started, so this has been really tough.

Ark~
Ideas on planting those seeds ????? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Slammed

Wait till you have a chance, shake his stuff down for the keys, and make copies. The police will never throw out the wife of the homeowner, especially when you guys are living together. They would just say it's a civil matter.

Take possession of the land! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> (That's my recommendation, anyway.)

OK slammed..

lets get basic scenarios down..

how do you think your husband would react if you were to go out and NOT come home all night...

or atleast to very late if he had no idea exactly where you were and what you were doing..

ARK

I am totally against you WAITING for him to move to out for you to go to plan B....
it will dramatically lesson its impact...

all WS leaving expect a period to let the BS "cool off" and totally expect to pick things up somewhere once the poor distraught women calm down'

Slammed,

I am with Ark.

He will expect you to throw some "tantrum" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> after he moves out. So, the impact of Plan B will not be as great.

There has to be some way to Plan B him now.

I really don't see how you could not live in that house. You two are married, hence nothing he buys now is just his, not even his undies <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> (not that you want those! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />). But you get the point. It is a marital asset unless you have a post nup or pre nup that says otherwise.

He knows this and is just trying to bully you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Get the keys, somehow and move!

Leave the dog at the house or take him with you. Is it not better that the dog stays at the new house then OW? Believe me, her stench is worse! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, ladies.

Ark~
Were I to come home late, or stay out overnight, my best
guess is that WH would probably "wonder" about it, look
for a note, and maybe try to call me.
(I've always harped on WH to let me know if he was going
to be late, out, etc. so I wouldn't be worried, and he's
done that, even during the A).
Or, maybe he would think I'm "mad", and that I was staying with a friend or at my parent's house...

So, do you think that I should go to the Plan B now, while
WH is still at our house ?
There wouldn't be any way to avoid a little contact, but
could avoid much since we are both gone to work all day,
and WH is gone part/much of the evenings (now that the A
has resumed), and was gone almost all weekend. I see the
hard part as still hearing the phone calls, seeing his
belongings and knowing (to some degree) where he is and
what he's doing, right ?
Or, should I still wait until he moves, act totally calm
and "unbothered" about it, and then go to the plan ?
If so, what to do, and how to act in the meantime ??

I understand the "shock" value of me moving to the house,
but other than that, I'm not sure what the point would be
since he's planning to move there as soon as it's done ??? (and has made that intention known for a long time, whether it was just him or both of us).
I'd even thought of staying at my parent's for awhile (not
very convenient or comfortable, but possible if needed) but
with him moving soon, didn't really see much point.

I guess what I'm thinking of is that no matter which of us
moves, we are going to have to make some kind of an
agreement on what goes where (as far as furniture, etc.)
and then, as big as our stuff is, are going to have to have
a truck and some helpers to move it,so it won't be something
that can just be done in an instant, and without him knowing
about it.
Also, I would definitely want to keep the dog if we D, and was advised by the lawyer that the "status quo usually prevails" meaning I should keep the dog with me. There is no fence on the yard at the new house yet, so that would present a problem with the dog being there.

I might be able to get the key to copy (although I think
WH carries the key on his ring, so would have to get it at
night and somehow have it back by morning), and don't know
if the police would actually kick me out or not, but I
think I would be considered a "trespasser" if WH really
wanted to push things (it would be considered a "marital
asset" if we were settling for a D, but in other matters,
lawyer advised "posession" is determined by name on loan,
deed, etc. and everything at that house is in WH's name).
I already had told him, that if we reconciled and moved,
mortgage for that house would have to be in BOTH names.

I don't know if WH knows any of this (as far as I know
he has not consulted a lawyer) and the lawyer I talked to
said "WH was pretty stupid to buy that house while we were
still married, because of it becoming a "marital asset".
To him, I think he believes it's all his because he has
paid for everything and has it all in his name ! (so if
D, he will be in for a surprise).
Of course, he'll still be the one with a nice, all new house
in a nice area of town, and I'll be the one in a little
apartment or townhouse <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Slammed

Slammed,
Why wait till D? Surprise him now. He doesn't think you will fight him.

And again, Plan B right after he moves will not be such a shock to him. You have been waiting so long to go to plan B why not go when he least expects it?

I tell you when I decided for no contact with H, it came as a total shock to him. We had been emailing each other regularly up to that point, I read and commented on his poetry, we went to movies together, we had coffee, he called when he liked, saw me when he liked, and all of a sudden in the mids of what was so ideal to H, I pulled the plug. I did not plan it, mind you, it just happened that way. BUt it was a shock to him. I did not even think it would be such a shock. Shock is good. Your H is very attached to you, and does not expect you to do anything out of the ordinary. He will just figure you are mad.

I really think it would be good if it came as a shock to him. He has taken you for granted so long, he needs s kick!

Daisy

Thanks, Daisy.
I do remember that your WH was quite surprised when you
asked for no contact.

As much as it will hurt, I think I will be glad when WH is
out of the house again because having the A "in my face",
knowing he lies, and having to wonder about everything is
really stressful and hurting to me.
I had felt much stronger and more independent back before
this "false recovery", so feel like I have to start all over
again now in adjusting to it once more. It was especially
nice to do things with WH again, as that's what I had missed
the most.

Since it sounds like everyone thinks starting the Plan B
before WH leaves is a good idea, I better get to work on
the PBL. Besides posting it here, Jennifer at MB also asked
me to send it to her for help.
In case WH moves this weekend, or before, leaving me little
time to start the "Plan", then sounds like I should wait a
short time after he is gone to start, so as to get more
"shock" from it???

Won't have to worry about being gone or doing 180 tonight-
Wh called earlier to say "he's going to stay at the other
house tonight" and won't be home. I'm sure he knew what
I was thinking (OW) and voluntarily said "No, I'm not
doing something with OW if that's what you think, I just
want to be alone". He went on to tell me things, mostly all
things I've heard before- "it's not OW, it's him wanting
to be alone", "that he just doesn't want to be married",
"he isn't trying to hurt me"- yada, yada, yada....
I said "You know, WH, you have and do continue to hurt me
because you aren't honest, and because instead of giving us
a chance, you choose to go back with OW. We took some tiny
steps and to me it showed that we still had fun together,
still could get along, enjoyed doing things, enjoyed being
a family again, and could change to make our marriage really
good for both of us, but for whatever reason, you went back
on the path of destruction, because that's what OW is."
(He jumped in only to protest, that "it's nothing to do with
OW, and that not nearly all that I think is going on with
her is really going on") I continued by saying "I had let
you go- was doing fine on my own, getting on with my life,
looking at homes and job options, and you were the one that
approached me, asking for my help, and saying you wanted to
work on the M again. Then it was you that changed your mind
again. It's hurtful, it's disappointing, it's very sad, and
your behavior and that of OW are very disrespectful to me."
Told him "It was my own fault I let my hopes get up, and
that it wouldn't happen again". He said "What did that mean?
I said "I did all I could for you and for us, WH, and I'm
letting you go", and "I do wish you well".
Wh didn't say much else, but a little later, called me back.
Said his ususal "I really don't mean to hurt you. I know
you think this is all about OW, but there really isn't as
much going on as you must think. I really am going to stay
at my house, because I just want to be alone."
"I said, you know it was fun to make plans for the house-
what we'd do there, how we'd decorate, and to think of us
living there as a family, so that's just one more thing to
feel bad about". (He didn't really have any comment).
I said "Well, I need to get back to work".
He said "Maybe we could go out to dinner tomorrrow night
and talk about things" (from the person who doesn't like
to ever talk about anything- pleeeeeease !!)

So, I'm sure his evening does involve OW, and don't think
anything he said meant anything different than ever, just
perhaps he got a little nervous about me "letting him go"
and isn't ready to have that "cord cut". Agree ????

At least I'll be able to relax at home tonight, eat what
I want, and get to bed, without worrying about him being
there or OW calling. Will work on my PBL, and check in later
or tomorrow ~
Slammed

Well, I tried to just relax and not keep thinking about
everything last night- I was just getting too tired and
too frustrated and "overthinking" so much that I was
getting myself confused.

Tried to simplify my thinking down to these "basics" that
I know to be true:
1- The contact between WH and OW never completely ended,
keeping us from ever being able to start a true "recovery".
2- The contact has gone from "just" some phone calls to
more time spent with OW , including a ski weekend, and some
overnight stays at her house in the past month.
3- The things Wh is saying and doing are exactly the same
as they were when the A began, so cleary a sign that it's
back "on" with OW, despite his denials.
4- I have done Plan A as best as I can. I've been as loving,
caring, supportive, and helpful with WH's legal and medical
issues as possible, have tried to show Wh the changes I've
made myself, have tried to have fun together and show him
that being home is not so bad. Hopefully some of that "sunk"
in before the fog of the "A" came back over WH.
5- WH has said for a long time that he planned to move into
the newly renovated house as soon as it was done. While we
were "working" on things, we discussed moving together and
made some plans, however now that the A is back on, the
plan is for just him to move. I fully view this as a big
"setback", and an oportunity for A to continue more easily.
WH's repeated "speel" about his "wanting to be alone,etc."
(ad nauseam) is totally babble.
6- Seems like the concensus here and the advise from Jennifer has run towards my continuing to do a Plan A while
WH is at home, then a short time after he moves, going to
Plan B. I'll be doing a letter and submitting it here and
to Jennifer for review/suggestions. As he is supposedly
moving soon (1-2 weeks), probably not enough time to really
implement Plan B before he leaves.(?)

7- I am continuing my IC, and will go with WH to his Ic
for a short time more (to work on his bipolar issues, not
MC).
8- I will continue to "vent" here, will re-read parts of
some of the MB and other suggested books, and try to get
extra sleep, etc. to take better care of me since my stress
level is really UP.

WH had called yesterday afternoon to let me know he was
not going to be home last night- he was "staying at the
other house". I'm sure he was actually at OW's.
Knowing I was not happy about that, he had said maybe we
could go out to dinner tonight, and "talk about things".
I'm sure that was meant to be an "appeasement to me".
Today I didn't hear anything from him until just a short
time ago, as he was driving from work to his "alcohol
awareness" class. After some brief "small talk", I just
asked if he'd be coming home tonight, and he said yes.
He made no mention of going out to eat, instead saying he
was really tired, as he had gotten up early today due to
his boss coming down to his office (comes every other week).
I didn't have much to say, so just said "see you later".

He won't be home for about two hours, so by the time he
is there will just probably have time to eat, watch a little
tv and get to bed. I guess I'll try to just be pleasant
and polite, still "180". It's really hard for me to know
how to act, what to say, or what to do in this situation
where I know he is pursuing OW and lying about things ?????
I know confronting, asking, reasoning or trying to talk
about things will result in denial and fighting, and my
acting too pleasant, or "okay" make me feel like I'm
condoning what he is doing ???? Is that normal for Plan A?
Man, this was easier when he was living with OW and on his
own that since he's been home... that's sad.
Slammed

Me- BS, 42
WH- 38
Married 8 yrs, together 11. No kids (WH has two daughters
from previous R).
2000-H diagnosed with "depression" and "obsessive-compulsive
disorder, began first of many ADs. (none really helped)
2001- H involved in internet "fling", brief EA. Seperated
one month.
2005- H begins being secretive, working late hours, spends
lots of time on internet, binge drinking, very odd behavior,
"mystery trips", then demands we begin divorce immediately
and moves out, but denies A.
Oct 05- OW calls me, exposes A. I find out they met on
internet, she moved here, WH moved in with her, she got
pregnant, had abortion, she is suspicious of his "story".
She called me, yet WH is furious at me for talking to her.
She kicks WH out. He rents a room. During brief "break up"
he spends some time with me, acts like wants to reconcile.
Nov/Dec 05- A is resumed although WH keeps regular contact
with me. WH spends Thanksgiving with OW (ouch). I dread
Christmas without him but make plans with family and friends. WH gets DUI on Christmas Eve, calls me for help.
Jan 06- WH in severe depression and anxiety. Finally seeks
help, getting with new Dr and counselor and is diagnosed
w/bipolar disorder. Starts new meds and weekly counseling.
Reaches out to me, apologizes, asks for my help, says he
wants to work on M, and had missed US. Cautious but happy.
I go with WH to Dr and counseling appointments.
Feb 06- WH moves home. See some progress, although small
and slow. Concern over continued phone contact with OW.
OW NOT happy- makes tons of phone calls, insults me, leaves
nasty messages, and mails cards, letter and photos from
she and WH to me. WH suggests we take trip- have a great
time, but return and his strange behavior starts again as
well as increased contact with OW.
March 06- WH lying, secretive, back to saying "doesn't want
to be married, wants to be alone, wants his "space".
Plans to move to newly renovated house as soon as finished.
Spends ski weekend, some nights w/OW, but denies A is back
"on". He is stringing us both along, and apparently "on the fence" about what to do.

slammed what are your thoughts about plan B?

it seems that while he still needs you (especially with his illness) this would be a good time to stop being there for him so that he can see that OW can't meet his needs

(or do you believe that plan B isn't a good idea because you don't have children like daisy said Steve H advised)

If ADMIRATION is a PRIMARY EN of his, you definitely do not want to do the "180"...

You want to tell him how much you "APPRECIATE" the positive things he does...

These should be SINCERE EXPRESSIONS of APPRECIATION..actions of his that you truly APPRECIATE...

Also, it is ESSENTIAL to NOT CRITICIZE HIM AT ALL...

Ask him to assist you with things..when he does SAY THANK YOU...

Do not HELP HIM with anything UNLESS HE ASKS YOU TO....

DINNER READY..HOUSE CLEAN..when he comes home....

I'll keep thinking..but the above are ESSENTIAL!!!

In glancing over your situation, his pattern sounds A LOT like my WH's..my FWH came home and left a couple of times..

Sounds like that you will need to go to PLAN B but FINISH UP with a GREAT PLAN A...

slammed,

Just wanted to send you a ((((hug))))!!

I know it must be hard to stay in Plan A.

I agree with Mimi, this should be a time for you to find out WS's ENs and also to improve yourself.

However, I do believe you should set limits. It is okay to let WS know it is not okay to rub this A in your face. Perhaps you could ask him to please take his contact/cell phone convos with ow down the street as it is stressful for you.

It's okay that he doesn't contact her in your prescence. He may say it is not that important, or not what you think, (babble) but you can let him know that it does hurt. Be calm and nice when you say it.

It is okay to have boundaries.

Am I correct in remembering that you counseled with the Harley's (can't remember which one) and you were recommended to Plan A until WS moved into the new home?

If so, this has been very hard for you, and I have to admire you for keeping up the Plan A while there is continued contact that has been absolutely in your face.

Can you afford to call again and get more counseling from Harley's? IMVHO, I would give and update to them if I were you.

Your lovebank must be in the red by now.

I am all for a Plan B, but I think you need a green light from the MB pro's.

Your WS is very lost in the fog and is babbling to high heavens. He may be bopolar, but he is also a WS alien, and not your H.

As long as there is contact, there is no recovery. God bless. You are fighting the good fight for NC and recovery.

In the meantime, much love and prayers. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Thanks Eav, Mimi, Miss M-

I'm at work, but having a hard time functioning, as things
really went from bad to worse between last night and this
morning...

I had dinner ready when WH got home from his "alcohol
awareness" class last night, and greeted him pleasantly
when he walked in the door. He wasn't in the house two
minutes, and already OW was calling on his cell phone.
He went upstairs, talked briefly, then came downstairs to
eat. Watched tv , and the rest of the evening was pleasant.
WH's daughter called, so they talked awhile , and then I
believe WH called OW for another few minutes.
As we were getting ready for bed, WH said he would like to
take the desk from our office room over to the new house.
I said I would like to talk about things, and he agreed.
I asked if he would consider waiting awhile to move to the
other house- he said "no".
I asked if he would consider us both moving together to the
other house- he said "no".
I then said, if he was absolutely determined to go, then I
thought we needed to make an agreement together about what
items would be taken from our house. He agreed.
I said I felt very bad at the thought of dividing up our
stuff that we had both worked hard to get.
I said I felt bad that in splitting things up, neither of
us would have a full set of furniture or things that would
match. His comment to both those was "that's the way it goes".
Said I felt like he wanted to take all the nice stuff to
the new house and leave all the old stuff with me.
He disagreed, said "we had two rooms of nice, newer stuff
and we'd each get one". (We bought new, nice furniture
for our bedroom and family room in the past couple years,
the remainder of our things were misc. "left overs" I
brought from the townhouse I had when single, or items
we've bought together). Then he said "You have the advantage
anyway, since most of the rest of the things are yours,
since I sold mine before we moved here". He made this sound
like it was my fault, although he had elected to sell his
cheap stuff before we moved.

I said "WH, I feel very sad and disappointed at the thought
of you moving to the new house alone. I enjoyed seeing the
progress on it as you renovated, had fun when we talked
about where we would put our things, and liked helping with
picking out fixtures, lights, etc.".
WH said- "That's why I hate taking you over there- because then you always think that we are making plans or you try
to "jump in" on everything, I only took you because you
kept begging to go ".
ME- "I did not BEG to do anything- I just enjoyed seeing it
when we were there".

After this, we went on to bed, without really settling
anything. Even though I knew it was probably coming, I
felt sick to think about splitting up out things and
especially about my/our things being in that house and OW
being there !
I didn't sleep well, so got up feeling very tired.
We both got ready for work without saying much, although
WH did remind me that his Dr appt was this morning (the
psychiatrist, about his meds) and I was surprised he still
wanted me to go.
As he got ready to leave, I said "I guess we can talk more
about things later" (meaning the furniture discussion), and
WH suddenly seemed mad. He said "There was nothing more to talk about, he had told me how he felt, that he wanted to be by himself, didn't want to be married".
I said "Well, where does that leave us ?"
WH- "That doesn't leave US anywhere"
ME- "I mean, what are we going to do ?"
WH- "Well, we need to get that paperwork done and filed,
and get the house up for sale".

I AM HORRIFIED ! I know the A is obviously back on, but
we've not talked about D or selling the house for months,
and I at least thought if WH moved to the other house and
I could do Plan B, we'd have time on our side (hoping the
A would end finally).
Why is he rushing forwards so fast ?
Did he say this because he was mad and felt like I was
pushing him ?
Is it pressure from the OW to get out of our house and get the D?
What to do now ??????????

Two added notes:
We filled out and had notarized D paperwork back in August
at WH's insistence (right at time OW had just moved here
and A was on "hot and heavy").The paperwork was never filed
and becomes "null and void" 6 months after the date it was
notarized. That date was either last Friday or this coming
Friday. If it does expire, then the whole process would have
to start over with new paperwork being completed and filed,
followed by financial disclosures, settlement plan, and a
90 day waiting period. I don't know that WH realizes this,
so may be thinking we can just move forward with the paper-
work we started.

And- WH just called a few minutes ago to say his Dr appt.
was cancelled today due to the Dr being sick. He was much
more calmed down- said he didn't mean to get mad, but was
tired of saying the same things over again, and me just
"getting it" that he "wants to be alone, wants to be on his
own, wants to move to that house, and it has nothing to do
with OW" (yeah, right...).
I said "Yes, WH, I DO get it, and I guess "thats your story
and you're sticking to it".
I said "My "story" hasn't changed either- I believe in my H and in our M, and have enough faith that things could change and be wonderful for both of us. But, I know I
couldn't do it by myself and your A would have to end for
you to be able to see that. I just don't feel the need to
rush into anything".
WH said- "He just doesn't want to keep dragging things out
and wants to get on with his life".
So, nothing new, but he's calmed down at the moment.

Help, I feel total panic and anxiety. Luckily I just work a
half day today, and have my IC tonight, which might help.
I just don't know how to act/what to say/what to do now,
how to handle this division of our things and him moving,
and what to do about the rush to D and selling the house ???
Slammed