It was an upsetting session at the IC last night.
When I arrived, WH was already there, and was doing his
"homework" from last week (nothing like waiting til last
minute). We went in, and IC asked WH how he was feeling
and how things were going. WH quoted same old script- he
"wants to be alone, on his own, not be married".
He told IC he couldn't even describe "how great" it felt to just go and be at the other house, and how much he liked
that he could decide what color to paint a wall, how to
decorate, etc. on his own, without having to ask anyone.
At my turn, I said "I hadn't changed either, in that I
fully believed that WH's whole "change of heart", down
to everything he was saying and the way he was acting
were exactly as they were when the A began, and that I
was unwavering in believing that was exactly what was
going on now". Repeated that I still "believed in my H,
believed in our ability to change our M to satisfy us
both, and that the A would have to end to give us a chance".
(WH just rolled his eyes, and acted frustrated, since he
denies the A is back on).
WH went on to say he was feeling very frustrated because he
had been trying to talk to me about how to split up our
things and I "didn't want to do it, wouldn't participate
and was making it so difficult that he just didn't care
anymore". I was stunned to hear this, since he's only just mentioned taking furniture and started to discuss it two days ago !
IC asked how I felt about it- I said I was having a hard
time and feeling very sad thinking about splitting up our
stuff after we had worked hard to get some nice things, had
made all the effort to make our home nice, and now would end
up with neither of us having a complete set or anything that
matched, but that we had barely just started to talk about
it and I didn't feel it was actually going to be that hard
to come to an agreement.
Said I felt like WH was thinking he should get all the nice,
newer stuff because he had contributed more of the $$$ (he
said no, he wasn't considering that).
IC suggested we start a list while there with her, so began
to talk about some specific items, and basically agreed that
we have two rooms of newer, nicer stuff, so each should have
one. Agreed that I would retain all the things that were
originally mine from before we married (WH has never liked
and says they are "cheap" anyway). Would negotiate on the
rest of the stuff..
Sounded easy enough, but then WH started saying,"well, why
would I want "such and such" because I'd probably never use
it", and "if he was going to have such and such, he'd need
the other such and such, because they match", etc. and I
started to get really mad. Just another "cake eating" action
on his part, where he says he wants to be fair, then starts
wanting everything instead.
I also resented him acting like it's a big "concession" that
I keep the things that were mine. They are 15 years old,
used, somewhat out of style, and nothing that was expensive
to begin with, so not worth much now.
I do know that if I have to eventually move I'll only be
able to afford a small place, and wouldn't probably have
room for some of this heavy, big furniture, but should that
mean I don't get any of it ?? Am I just wanting to keep
things I wouldn't use out of spite ? Would it be reasonable
to let him take more of the nice things but have him give
me money so I could replace some things I will need ?
I'm not trying to be nasty about it, but also don't want
to just give in because he has the new, nice house to
furnish- ????? All of this is SO unfair !
A few other subjects of discussion at the IC were WH saying
"he felt really guilty doing anything with me, eating a meal
I made, or having me wash any of his stuff in the laundry,
because he thinks I twist everything around to think that
it means something, or that we're together".
He talked about wanting to put the house up for sale
soon because "I shouldn't expect for him to keep paying for
it when he has another place to live". I said "What am I
supposed to do ?" and he said "Look for a place". He said
something about not wanting to hold things up, and needing
to get on with things since we were getting divorced.
(ouch)
He still really emphasized how the new house is "HIS".
This came up when I said I was thinking of us splitting up
our stuff as "dividing OUR things, between OUR two houses"
and him strongly correcting me that it's HIS house, not ours. He also mentioned (again) that he feels like I always
try to "jump on" to anything he plans or does, instead of
letting anything be "just his". He has brought this up many
times before, and I just don't know where this comes from
or why it's such a big issue to him- I just always thought
I was showing enthusiasm or being helpful when I tried to
show interest with his projects, I wasn't trying to take
them over, like he acts. ????? Also, WH made a big deal to
say that I had told him "I wanted him out of the house,
wanted him to get out" ????? Don't know WHERE that came from
unless it was some argument ages ago, but funny how he comes
up with things from ages ago, when convenient to him !!
WH talked about needing and wanting to be on his own because
he'd never really had a chance to do that. Said his fear of
being on his own had probably "kept him in the marriage"
longer than he should have stayed, but now he wasn't afraid
anymore. Said he'd never had a chance to be "on his own"
except when he was in college, and the brief time he lived
in an apartment here before we got married. I said "I didn't
think that was anything uncommon, that was the situation of
many people", but didn't make them leave their marriages for
another person to go back and try to "re-live" that again.
(Can you say MLC ????) Also said I had no doubt that WH
was perfectly capable of being on his own, alone, taking care of things himself, and that I wasn't with him because
I wanted to be his "caretaker" or a "mother", but that most of what he said he wanted were things you could do while married (having some time and space to yourself) and that I still had an issue with him always saying that was his goal
had been with the OW every minute he wasn't with me.
After that, we wrapped it up. IC suggested trying to come
up with creative and fair ways to divide things that would
leave both of us feeling okay about things (like that could
happen).
As we left, I asked IC if I could talk to her for a moment. Wh said he'd wait outside. I told her I was having a very hard time with this since WH was lying about A, had made such a sudden 180degree "change of heart", and seemed on
such a "fast track" to move out, sell house, get D.
Said I felt like he was using the IC as his "forum" to
say all this, and was maybe hoping she would say "we were
beyond help", or should get D."(She said "NO, she isn't
going to say that). Said I just couldn't fathom what made him go back with OW but that they both seemed to be very
"addicted" (She said "Yes, there is often an unhealthy type
of attachment). Said I felt so frustrated that he did not
view his issues (the bipolar, family issues etc) as a root
of any of this. She was very nice, and said something like
"been there, done that", which made me think she may have
been through an A or D herself. Said next week we could
go back to working on his family issues and showing him
that much of what is going on with him does have to do with
this situation, and try to "slow things down", or that if
I don't feel comfortable coming anymore, she would also
understand that. She also mentioned the Dobson book ("Love
Must be Tough"). Said I had read it. She suggested I might
want to "write the letter". (It's sort of like a PBL)
Cried all the way home, feeling like things are just such
a mess, "out of control", and racing fast down a track.
Was very worn out (WH looked like it too) but we ate a bite, and just watched some tv after getting home. Only thing I said to WH was that "I had not told him I wanted him out or to get out of the house". He said "Yes, I had told him that, sometime in the last year". I said "I didn't remember it but if so, it was in the heat of an argument or taken out of context". Just went to bed later, but didn't
sleep well, and woke up too early. Layed there, thinking
it would probably be the last night WH there, and dreading
the weekend since he intends to start taking things and
moving.
Because of that, I'm sure WH will want to talk tonight about
what things he's going to take. I'm going to make a list
today of what I really want so I can have a plan in mind.
Of course, it's hard when what I want is to have my H back
and things left alone at our house.
I know it's going to be tough to see him taking things,
leaving behind empty rooms and an empty closet. How has
everyone handled that ? I already feel so sad about it
that I can't imagine how it'll be <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Any other ideas for "slowing" things down ?
Continue the Plan A as best I can for the weekend , with
no Lb's, and a calm and pleasant attitude about him moving ?
Hide my sadness and hurt ? Act Ok about it all ?
I'm very curious as to what is going on with OW. I know
WH lied about things he was doing last weekend (under
pretense of working at that house and running errands)
so assume he was with her, at least part of the time.
He also said he was staying at the other house Mon night
when I suspected he was with her. Since then, however,
he's been at home in the evenings, and there's been no
calls to/from OW. Also, he didn't have the bag he took "to the other house" the past couple of nights that he was at
home or in his car. Maybe they had an argument ? Perhaps she is "playing hard to get" until he is in the other house as part of her own "Plan B" or ultimatum ? Could be just busy too, I guess. Things like that keep making me wonder if this really is all about an A, or if WH just doesn't want to be with me anymore ????
I have to work in the morning, and will try to make plans
with a friend too, to have something to look forward to.
If WH does take furniture tomorrow, I'll have to work at
re-arranging and cleaning up too, and may need some help
to get things moved around.
Will also pull out HNHN, Love Must be Tough, SAA, and start
trying to draft a good letter. Sounds like the concensus
here was to wait a little while after the move to go to
Plan B. ????
Slammed
