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Said I felt like he wanted to take all the nice stuff to the new house and leave all the old stuff with me. Make sure you don't allow this to happen. Remember SELF-RESPECT is part of PLAN A. In fact, since he is leaving to be with the OW, you should keep the nicest stuff..in payment for your hardship WH, I feel very sad and disappointed at the thought of you moving to the new house alone. I enjoyed seeing the progress on it as you renovated, had fun when we talked about where we would put our things, and liked helping with picking out fixtures, lights, etc.". GOOD WORK ON ADMIRATION!! Try to disregard 90% of his responses to your PLAN A STATEMENTS. Don't respond. He will try to provoke you into responding negatively. There was nothing more to talk about, he had told me how he felt, that he wanted to be by himself, didn't want to be married". You see what I mean? Standard WS SCRIPT..trying to provoke you..trying to justify his behavior...WANTING YOU TO SAY IT'S OK FOR HIM TO ABANDON YOU...YUK!! Back later...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Thanks, Mimi, I can definitely use some insight and suggestions on how to proceed. I am not planning to back down on the things that stay at our house. I will certainly be keeping everything that was mine to begin with, and will have at least half of the newer nicer things. (or he can give me the equivalent money !) After all, he seems to have a "money tree" so he can just buy new stuff.
I have always tried to show Admiration to H, and have told him each time I've been there that I thought he did a nice job on renovating the house and that it looked nice.( He seemed to want to show me and want my approval, like he was very proud of it.) I really did mean it, so it was sincere.
I'm sure you're right about his use of "WS Script". The things he's saying now are EXACTLY the same as he said at the beginning of the A ! I don't know the exact situation with he and OW, but from a conversation I heard between them a few weeks ago, he was promising her the moon, told her he'd "prove himself" by being an "open book of honesty" (chuckle), would move ahead with the D, etc" and she seemed to be playing "hard to get". I also know, from what I heard, that WH never told OW "it was over"- he just told her he was needing to "soul search" and decide what to do, and limited their contact to the phone. I know she was not happy, especially when he moved home, thus her constant phone calling, nasty messages, and the packet she sent me. Seemed like he did okay for awhile, but something sure did lure him back ! He's been strongly "on the fence" (while eating cake too !) but she seems to have such an influence over him, that I'm afraid her pressure for him to be out of our house is likely what's got him in a rush, and may be the same with the D??? Seems like all their "drama", the break-ups, etc. would be weakening their "bond", but almost seems like its making it stronger- sick !!!
Will be checking back later this afternoon, and appreciate all help, suggestions, what to do, say or act. Is there any hope ?
I'm going to lunch with parents, taking dog to the vet, and have my IC later. Don't know if WH will be home tonight. Slammed
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((( Slammed )))
I wish I had some advice for you dear, but I do not. Please listen and get comfort from the others who are experts at this and try to learn from them.
Dear God - Please bring some peace to our dear friend, Slammed in her darkest hours dealing with her Wh and his A. Please enlighten her WH to see the A for what it is and return to his marriage.
And, Dear God, when Wh has taken the last load from his home he shares with his Wife, and he shuts the door on his marriage, please let the door frame and roof fall in on his new house so he will have to go back home where he belongs !!!
My very best to you, carnation
Me - BS 55
WH/FWH 50
OW 30
Much evidence says that my H was/is
deeply involved in a very long term PA
Prolly will never know much more than that
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when Wh has taken the last load from his home he shares with his Wife, and he shuts the door on his marriage, please let the door frame and roof fall in on his new house <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Thanks Carnation and Mimi. That's a wonderful (and devious) thought <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I have been though so many thoughts today- really feeling down and beating myself up, because I feel like I had a chance to get WH back, and for whatever reason, after a month at home, he is back with OW and moving out again. I don't know what it would have been, because I tried to be as helpful, loving, supportive, and positive as I could be, tried to show WH changes I had made, tried to show I was willing to take "baby steps" and work towards a better M together, tried to show I strength and independence... and still WH doesn't want to be with me, and doesn't want our M. I feel like no matter what I do, it's the wrong thing I've done or said. I feel like I've been through He!! and all for nothing.
I've felt in the past like WH needed me to believe and have faith in us and our M. (Just a month ago, he wrote in an anniversary card to me "Thanks for being there for me and for believing in our mariage".) With that in mind, I've stuck with the "I believe in H, believe in our M, have faith things could change and be better, and am fighting for it". Seems though, like maybe he is viewing that as me not "hearing" him or "getting him" and maybe is perceived as my not "respecting" his feeling or opinion ? Should I stick with this, although still sticking with my boundaries, or is this self-defeating? Do I need to change my attitude to a pleasant "you wanted to be alone, so be my guest and enjoy ?" I just don't know what to do, or if anything I do makes any difference really.
WH will be at home for the evening and night, but I'm too tired and stressed to talk much- and I don't know if I should try to discuss anything further, let things be, be pleasant/Plan A, or what ????
I'm also SO bothered about splitting up our things and knowing he is going to take some to the other house when he moves. It was hard when he moved out before, but he only took clothes and some toiletries, so this feels much bigger, more permanent and dramatic. I want to think of it as us just splitting our things between our two homes, but I don't think this is home he views it- I think he wants HIS things, at HIS house. I guess I need to try to just think of furniture and things as "material possessions" and not of great importance, but right now that's a big sticking point. If we do get into any more discussion, I guess I'll be fair, firm, stand up for fairness to myself, and try to go about it assuming it will be a permanent arrangement ??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Going to IC now- hope it will help. Slammed
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because I feel like I had a chance to get WH back, and for whatever reason, after a month at home, he is back with OW and moving out again. Slammed, the way I see it is...PLAN B..is eventually necessary in most cases prior to Recovery...I think that it's a good sign that your WH is such a cake-eater..he will miss you..she won't be able to meet all of his needs..he will need to experience that... don't know what it would have been, because I tried to be as helpful, loving, supportive, and positive as I could be, tried to show WH changes I had made, tried to show I was willing to take "baby steps" and work towards a better M together, tried to show I strength and independence... and still WH doesn't want to be with me, and doesn't want our M. Ditto what I said above about the need for PLAN B... YOU DID GREAT, SLAMMED..ALL THAT YOU COULD HAVE POSSIBLY DONE..and IT WILL MATTER AND MAKE A BIG DIFFERENCE DURING PLAN B... I feel like I've been through He!! and all for nothing. NO WAY..this has NOT BEEN FOR NOTHING..this has been FOR YOUR MARRIAGE...It was a COURAGEOUS AND WORTHY FIGHT!!! I've stuck with the "I believe in H, believe in our M, have faith things could change and be better, and am fighting for it". EXCELLENT! STICK WITH THIS!! DO NOT SUPPORT HIS DECISION TO LEAVE YOU TO BE WITH THE OW..Regardless of what he may be telling you..that is what he is doing... and I don't know if I should try to discuss anything further, let things be, be pleasant/Plan A, or what ???? PLAN A to the FULLEST..focusing on evidencing your ability to meet his PRIMARY ENs...NO BEGGING AND PLEADING..NO LBing..NO ANGRY OUTBURSTS..NO CRITICISM.. CHEST UP..HEAD HELD HIGH.."I AM FIGHTING FOR MY MAN..OUR MARRIAGE".... If we do get into any more discussion, I guess I'll be fair, firm, stand up for fairness to myself, and try to go about it assuming it will be a permanent arrangement ??? I wouldn't be fair..I wasn't fair..KEEP THE BEST STUFF..Make him suffer..This will be his choice..Don't help him out at all..don't make this easy for him... DON'T ASSUME THIS WILL BE A PERMANENT ARRANGEMENT... I told my H.."You'll be back to me when you are finished with her..I told her that too... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Slammed:
You asked me what I meant by asking why you aren't standing up for yourself.
I mean you have no boundaries. If you make a boundary (I don't think you've made one) he stomps all over it.
The furniture thing is a perfect example. You said at the end of the conversation that nothing was decided for sure about the furniture. Sit down today and make a list of what you want and what you are willing to let him have. You don't have to be snide and b*tchy about it. Be nice and pleasant but don't let him walk over you!
I'm not an expert, so others could be more helpful by giving you other concrete examples of what boundaries to set and how to keep them.
"Will be checking back later this afternoon, and appreciate all help, suggestions, what to do, say or act."
There you go again: asking for advice but not taking any of it.
Lest you think I am beating you all about the head with an MB 2x4, I agree with the poster who said you have done your best - don't put his waffling, cake-eating, irresponsibility and mental issues on yourself.
Em
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Thanks Mimi and EyeseeEm~ I have felt a little better today after thinking (and not thinking) about things, and my IC last night.
Mimi- Thank you for the reminder that it's not uncommon to have to go to a Plan B or to have some false recoveries before getting to "real" Recovery. I know many here have had to do the same, and have ended up with WH's finally making the "break" after some attempts. The more I thought about it, I realized I haven't been "perfect", but have done a pretty good job at Plan A, with very few LB's and must have put some pretty good deposits in WH's "bank". Even if he's not interested in that "account" right now, I hope it will sit there, gaining "interest" for later...
You're right- it is still worth the fight. Just have to sit back, detach, get some strength and energy to "recharge" sometimes, or it really wears me out.
I am going to re-read HNHN for a refresher on the EN's, and will concentrate on "maximum" Plan A for the rest of the time until WH moves.
There wasn't any further discussion regarding the furniture but I think from the way we left it, that we do "agree to agree" on what he will take to the other house. I don't think there's really too much that's going to be up to debate anyway- much of the things in the house are mine, from before I was married, and I don't think WH has any interest in any of that (and isn't getting them anyway). We've bought two rooms of newer, "nice" stuff in the past few years, one of which is a bedroom set, and the other the family room. Since there's "2", we can each take one. What makes me feel bad is all the effort we put into making the house "match", and even having a decorator come and give us some ideas on colors, styles, etc. and now each house will have some empty rooms, and some "mismatch". Oh, well, I'm going to just have to think of it as being impersonal and like Mimi suggested, not permanent (and on the bright side, less dusting <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
And EM- I don't feel that you are giving me a hard time at all, so keep it up. I do need help with boundaries and find specific examples and ideas more helpful than more general thoughts. I appreciate your support.
I did have my IC last night, which helped since it was an opportunity to "vent". Before I even explained to her about the Plan B and PBL, she had suggested that I might want to think of WH moving out as "break" for myself, and an opportunity to tell WH that "I can't be involved with him while he is involved with OW", and even to do a letter too. Her thoughts were a little different angle than the MB, but along side lines. Got home and WH was home, eating, and had food for me too. We didn't talk alot, but got along, I "Plan A'd", he fell asleep early and there were no calls from OW on his cell. Met at his Dr office this morning for his "meds check" which takes about 10 minutes, and will be going to his IC tonight. Will be interesting to see how that goes~ Slammed
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It was an upsetting session at the IC last night.
When I arrived, WH was already there, and was doing his "homework" from last week (nothing like waiting til last minute). We went in, and IC asked WH how he was feeling and how things were going. WH quoted same old script- he "wants to be alone, on his own, not be married". He told IC he couldn't even describe "how great" it felt to just go and be at the other house, and how much he liked that he could decide what color to paint a wall, how to decorate, etc. on his own, without having to ask anyone.
At my turn, I said "I hadn't changed either, in that I fully believed that WH's whole "change of heart", down to everything he was saying and the way he was acting were exactly as they were when the A began, and that I was unwavering in believing that was exactly what was going on now". Repeated that I still "believed in my H, believed in our ability to change our M to satisfy us both, and that the A would have to end to give us a chance". (WH just rolled his eyes, and acted frustrated, since he denies the A is back on).
WH went on to say he was feeling very frustrated because he had been trying to talk to me about how to split up our things and I "didn't want to do it, wouldn't participate and was making it so difficult that he just didn't care anymore". I was stunned to hear this, since he's only just mentioned taking furniture and started to discuss it two days ago ! IC asked how I felt about it- I said I was having a hard time and feeling very sad thinking about splitting up our stuff after we had worked hard to get some nice things, had made all the effort to make our home nice, and now would end up with neither of us having a complete set or anything that matched, but that we had barely just started to talk about it and I didn't feel it was actually going to be that hard to come to an agreement. Said I felt like WH was thinking he should get all the nice, newer stuff because he had contributed more of the $$$ (he said no, he wasn't considering that). IC suggested we start a list while there with her, so began to talk about some specific items, and basically agreed that we have two rooms of newer, nicer stuff, so each should have one. Agreed that I would retain all the things that were originally mine from before we married (WH has never liked and says they are "cheap" anyway). Would negotiate on the rest of the stuff.. Sounded easy enough, but then WH started saying,"well, why would I want "such and such" because I'd probably never use it", and "if he was going to have such and such, he'd need the other such and such, because they match", etc. and I started to get really mad. Just another "cake eating" action on his part, where he says he wants to be fair, then starts wanting everything instead. I also resented him acting like it's a big "concession" that I keep the things that were mine. They are 15 years old, used, somewhat out of style, and nothing that was expensive to begin with, so not worth much now.
I do know that if I have to eventually move I'll only be able to afford a small place, and wouldn't probably have room for some of this heavy, big furniture, but should that mean I don't get any of it ?? Am I just wanting to keep things I wouldn't use out of spite ? Would it be reasonable to let him take more of the nice things but have him give me money so I could replace some things I will need ? I'm not trying to be nasty about it, but also don't want to just give in because he has the new, nice house to furnish- ????? All of this is SO unfair !
A few other subjects of discussion at the IC were WH saying "he felt really guilty doing anything with me, eating a meal I made, or having me wash any of his stuff in the laundry, because he thinks I twist everything around to think that it means something, or that we're together".
He talked about wanting to put the house up for sale soon because "I shouldn't expect for him to keep paying for it when he has another place to live". I said "What am I supposed to do ?" and he said "Look for a place". He said something about not wanting to hold things up, and needing to get on with things since we were getting divorced. (ouch) He still really emphasized how the new house is "HIS". This came up when I said I was thinking of us splitting up our stuff as "dividing OUR things, between OUR two houses" and him strongly correcting me that it's HIS house, not ours. He also mentioned (again) that he feels like I always try to "jump on" to anything he plans or does, instead of letting anything be "just his". He has brought this up many times before, and I just don't know where this comes from or why it's such a big issue to him- I just always thought I was showing enthusiasm or being helpful when I tried to show interest with his projects, I wasn't trying to take them over, like he acts. ????? Also, WH made a big deal to say that I had told him "I wanted him out of the house, wanted him to get out" ????? Don't know WHERE that came from unless it was some argument ages ago, but funny how he comes up with things from ages ago, when convenient to him !!
WH talked about needing and wanting to be on his own because he'd never really had a chance to do that. Said his fear of being on his own had probably "kept him in the marriage" longer than he should have stayed, but now he wasn't afraid anymore. Said he'd never had a chance to be "on his own" except when he was in college, and the brief time he lived in an apartment here before we got married. I said "I didn't think that was anything uncommon, that was the situation of many people", but didn't make them leave their marriages for another person to go back and try to "re-live" that again. (Can you say MLC ????) Also said I had no doubt that WH was perfectly capable of being on his own, alone, taking care of things himself, and that I wasn't with him because I wanted to be his "caretaker" or a "mother", but that most of what he said he wanted were things you could do while married (having some time and space to yourself) and that I still had an issue with him always saying that was his goal had been with the OW every minute he wasn't with me.
After that, we wrapped it up. IC suggested trying to come up with creative and fair ways to divide things that would leave both of us feeling okay about things (like that could happen). As we left, I asked IC if I could talk to her for a moment. Wh said he'd wait outside. I told her I was having a very hard time with this since WH was lying about A, had made such a sudden 180degree "change of heart", and seemed on such a "fast track" to move out, sell house, get D. Said I felt like he was using the IC as his "forum" to say all this, and was maybe hoping she would say "we were beyond help", or should get D."(She said "NO, she isn't going to say that). Said I just couldn't fathom what made him go back with OW but that they both seemed to be very "addicted" (She said "Yes, there is often an unhealthy type of attachment). Said I felt so frustrated that he did not view his issues (the bipolar, family issues etc) as a root of any of this. She was very nice, and said something like "been there, done that", which made me think she may have been through an A or D herself. Said next week we could go back to working on his family issues and showing him that much of what is going on with him does have to do with this situation, and try to "slow things down", or that if I don't feel comfortable coming anymore, she would also understand that. She also mentioned the Dobson book ("Love Must be Tough"). Said I had read it. She suggested I might want to "write the letter". (It's sort of like a PBL) Cried all the way home, feeling like things are just such a mess, "out of control", and racing fast down a track.
Was very worn out (WH looked like it too) but we ate a bite, and just watched some tv after getting home. Only thing I said to WH was that "I had not told him I wanted him out or to get out of the house". He said "Yes, I had told him that, sometime in the last year". I said "I didn't remember it but if so, it was in the heat of an argument or taken out of context". Just went to bed later, but didn't sleep well, and woke up too early. Layed there, thinking it would probably be the last night WH there, and dreading the weekend since he intends to start taking things and moving. Because of that, I'm sure WH will want to talk tonight about what things he's going to take. I'm going to make a list today of what I really want so I can have a plan in mind. Of course, it's hard when what I want is to have my H back and things left alone at our house. I know it's going to be tough to see him taking things, leaving behind empty rooms and an empty closet. How has everyone handled that ? I already feel so sad about it that I can't imagine how it'll be <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Any other ideas for "slowing" things down ? Continue the Plan A as best I can for the weekend , with no Lb's, and a calm and pleasant attitude about him moving ? Hide my sadness and hurt ? Act Ok about it all ?
I'm very curious as to what is going on with OW. I know WH lied about things he was doing last weekend (under pretense of working at that house and running errands) so assume he was with her, at least part of the time. He also said he was staying at the other house Mon night when I suspected he was with her. Since then, however, he's been at home in the evenings, and there's been no calls to/from OW. Also, he didn't have the bag he took "to the other house" the past couple of nights that he was at home or in his car. Maybe they had an argument ? Perhaps she is "playing hard to get" until he is in the other house as part of her own "Plan B" or ultimatum ? Could be just busy too, I guess. Things like that keep making me wonder if this really is all about an A, or if WH just doesn't want to be with me anymore ????
I have to work in the morning, and will try to make plans with a friend too, to have something to look forward to. If WH does take furniture tomorrow, I'll have to work at re-arranging and cleaning up too, and may need some help to get things moved around. Will also pull out HNHN, Love Must be Tough, SAA, and start trying to draft a good letter. Sounds like the concensus here was to wait a little while after the move to go to Plan B. ???? Slammed
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{{{Slammed}}}
As I posted in my thread, I cannot give you any advice on Plan B, as I haven't done this myself. But I truly believe your WH is taking advantage of your feeling for him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />
He had PLANNED on taking ALL OF THE NICE FURNITURE without asking you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> He assumed you would not protest that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> It was a surprise to him at IC, b/c you suggested (or IC suggested) that you two divide things in a fair manner. If the furniture won't be matched up perfectly, why is it YOU who has to give up?? It's also very arrogant of him to say he has felt guilty b/c he ate the food you cooked and wore the clothes you washed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> If that's the case, why didn't he cook or do the laundry himself?? Like my H, I tell you how these guys just talk the talk... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
I did not read Love Must be Tough, but heard about it many times. I think you need to be tough, while continuing to be pleasant (I know it's a difficult combination!). He is acting this way b/c he thinks he has a backup plan (= OW). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> If that fails, which I think it will, he needs someone else to take care of him. He'd better not think that you will be there waiting for him forever!
You have done a beautiful Plan A.;) In a way, his arrogant comments of you cooking for him, washing up his clothes, and being excited about HIS projects such as this house show HOW a loving, caring and supportive wife you have been. So in your case Plan B will be very effective <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />, I'd imagine.
I hope experts will come and give you good advice on Plan B.
Be strong Slammed.
Milk
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Thanks much, Milk (just posted on your thread too)
It does seem that my WH, as well as yours, have quite a case of what's been referred to here as "entitlement". They seem to think it's okay to look outside their M for their own happiness or pleasure, they think it's okay to do whatever they want regardless of other's feelings, and they think they should be able to do whatever they want, in selfishness.
I think WH wants to be "the good guy" all the time (part of his upbringing issues) thus the little messages he leaves for me when going off with OW, or his "follow up" calls when he wants to make sure I'm not "too" mad about things. I think he wanted to act "so frustrated" when there was no reason to be, in front of the IC, so it looked like he was being "the good guy" too. It's also the only reason I can think of for him to say "I'm not trying to hurt you" but then carrying right on with behavior and words that do hurt- (well, and maybe guilt too)
I am going to be nice and pleasant about things, but am not backing down on keeping my fair share of our belongings. I'm thinking about that and making some notes today, so I can be more prepared to talk about it tonight. I will have a tough time, but will keep up the Plan A over the weekend, even as I prepare for "B". Slammed
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Bumping ~ anyone with time/patience to read my long post earlier, please give ideas for "slowing this freight train down" ??????????? And, ideas for PBL and going into Plan B since WH is starting to move out this weekend...
THANKS !
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Plan B is for Brakes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Get your letter ready and post it here for review.
Be firmly nice, and don't get caught up in his drama.
In short, keep doing what you're doing, and breathe a sigh of relief that it's only for a few more days.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner. ~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Thanks "NSYN" I will be working on the letter this weekend so I can post it here, and also send it to Jennifer (MB) for review.
Besides the wording, I'm also trying to think of how to handle issues like our finances, as they are all "joint" (and WH pays the bulk of our expenses and bills). We don't have kids, but the dog is "like" our "kid", so I guess if he really pushed on seeing her, we could do it like "visitation". Don't think he'd want to have her at his house (new and no fence yet), so it may not be an issue anyway. Yes, after all the initial drama of him moving out and taking things from our house, I hope it will be a relief. Slammed
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Hi Slammed, how are you doing? Are you working on your Plan B letter?
As for your dog, my guess is your WH won't need to take her with him to the house for the reasons you mentioned. He will be too busy with the new house, new routine, and probably with trying to lure OW back. You may want to ask Jennifer though, in case WH approaches you regarding the dog, so you will be prepared to handle this issue.
As for your finances, you two are still married and WH is the one who wants to "quit" the marriage for his selfish reasons, so he should continue to support you until you two separate your finances legally. If he stops paying for your bills or mortgage, you should ask your L to take some legal actions so that he has to give you some money. You may want to start thinking about HOW you will convey these messages to your WH (because most likely he will get mad).
But these are boundaries, and give how loving and supportive you have been, WH should not have too many reasons to get mad at you!
Milk
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Well, I'm at work this morning and WH is moving out of our house. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Never talked to him during the day yesterday and didn't know if he planned to be at home last night, but he showed up, shortly after I got home, and just acted like he was there for a "normal" night of eating dinner and watching TV. While doing so, he went upstairs at one point and was on the phone, so apparently was calling OW. Then,a short time later, she called him, and he again left the room to talk. Again later, a third call ! Made me feel very annoyed, like she is probably "gloating" that he's moving to the new house today, likely partly due to pressure from her. (and so she's "won")
Later, WH asked what we still needed to talk about as far as settling on what things he would take (furniture) to the other house. I surprised myself by being able to remain cool and calm while we talked, although inside I felt very upset. We did agree on each of us having "one room" of the newer, nicer stuff (he took our bedroom, I kept the family room), and then negotiated on a few other things. He didn't end up really wanting too much. We both agreed that neither of us will sell or give away any of the items without talking to the other. Asked WH if he was sure he wanted to do this and was okay with the consequences, and he said "yes", so I didn't ask or try to talk about anything else. I did some straightening up, talked to a friend, and then got ready for bed. By the time I layed down, WH was already asleep-
This morning I got up and started to get ready for work. WH got up shortly afterwards, and while he was in the shower OW called twice. (I just let it ring). WH got ready quickly and left the house about same time I did, saying he was going to go get a waterbed pump, so as to drain our bed.
WH called a bit ago, said "he was just leaving the house". Told me he had the movers take the other bed frame, mattress and hutch upstairs for me. (they were stored in the garage) I guess he did this to be nice, or likely out of guilt !!? He then said he'd taken two of our hoses so he could fill up the bed at the other house, but would bring them back later. I just said "thanks" and "bye".
I'll be leaving for home in a few minutes, and know it's going to be tough to see our empty bedroom, empty closet, etc. I guess even after him saying, for a long time, that he was going to move to the new house when it was finished, that I didn't really think he would do it, without me. Of course, I didn't think he'd go back to OW either, and he has ! It's hard to think of him at the new house, setting up our furniture, buying new things, and undoubtedly spending time with her there while me and the dog are at home, with little to do. It feels so permanent, and I can't see how things are going to change.
Guess I'll just try to keep busy and will talk to some friends, maybe go out to dinner later. With all the things out of the room, thought I'd shampoo the carpet before moving in the old furniture too. Can you help me feel some hope, or just ideas of getting through the day today ?? Slammed
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Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 2,424
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Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 2,424 |
Hi Slammed,
I'm sorry you are facing such a sad day today. You did your best. I can only pray God be with you and mend your broken heart. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />
I'm sure you will be going into plan B next.
Lady
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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 474
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Posts: 474 |
I have never posted to you before but I do read your thread and keep up with your situation.
Reading this I felt so sad for you. I just wanted to give you a hug {{{{Slammed1}}}}} and tell you how brave you are being. I know you are sad but you have been doing everything to save your marriage.
Post your Plan B letter and then deliver it. This will give you the peace of mind you deserve.
Maybe go out and buy yourself new sheets and bed covers. Something just for you!!!
Take Care Slammed1!
Zorro94
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 1,685
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Posts: 1,685 |
{{{Slammed}}}
How are you? Tonight is the hardest night, but I know you will go through this. Really, he has to face the consequences, now it's his problem. You have given him so many opportunities to return home, and you kept the home always welcome. Now he is on his own, with or without OW, and we all know that the next time he faces some challenges in life (like his DUIs), OW will never be able to handle such situations with grace and kindness like you did. He will have to see that himself and regret his decision.
Take a nice warm bath and enjoy the bed all to yourself. Remember, he is WH, not your H, so you do not want him back anyways, unless it's your H.
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Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
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Slammed:
I am so sorry to hear about this...
As others have said, time for PLAN B..that is YOUR HOPE...
We will be here for you..we've been there, done that...
If it's any consolation to you, my FWH moved out into his new condo with all plans of starting over again with the OW..they wined and dined for awhile..but he hated it there...after PLAN B..our reconciliation has lasted almost 3 years..
I don't understand why, since you are married, that the NEW HOUSE is not half yours..it would be in my state...
Have you consulted a lawyer about this?
Hang in there, Slammed...You can and will make it through this...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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