Thanks everyone, for checking on me and your replies.
Didn't get a chance to get on the boards last week ,as our
internet access at work has been limited, and the computer
was not yet set up at home, since things were in a bit of
a mess since WH moved out.
Hadn't gotten a chance to reply to your last message, Mimi,
but wanted to say I totally agree with you as far as my WH
being just like the other WS's, and the A being totally his
choice and responsibility, regardless of his upbringing,
emotional/mental issues, etc.
I guess I try to analyze some of his family issues, and the psychological aspects of some of what he does and says as a way to try to help me understand how/why he is as he is, and what may have led him to start the A,although I realize
that all I can do , at best, is speculation.
I know that the MB principles indicate that most WS tend to get into an A due to low balances in their love banks or the lack of some EN's being met, but seems as though I've read here (or is in in a Harley book ??) that the reasons
MB isn't always advocated for those with addictions/mental
issues is because they don't fit into this group (their
EN's are being met, but they have a defect in "character"). In that case, I wondered what it was that led WH to make the decision to get involved in A, whether it be family
issues, addictions, MLC, etc.
WH himself, totally denies that his psychological issues
have anything to do with his being unhappy or discontent
or could have contributed at all to his A, and of course
he totally denies that he has any addictions at all.
Whether he really believes those things, or just doesn't
want to accept/admit it, I don't know ~
An update ~
Spent most of last weekend (a week ago) trying to get the
house put back into some order since WH moved out. He had
brought the old bedroom furniture up from the basement and
garage but I had a big job in setting up the waterbed, filling it only to find out the old mattress was ruined,
draining it and having to buy another, then filling it, and
re-arranging furniture in several rooms to replace items he
took. WH called Sat. morning, then came over twice during
the day to get more of his clothes and things. Offered to
come back Sun to help with the furniture and set mouse traps
but then never showed up or called, so I assumed he got too
busy with OW ! (and I didn't really need his help, just was
annoyed he made a big deal of coming to help, then didn't
show).
On an interesting note, I was exhausted Sat night, and just
wanted to relax and watch a movie. Turned on TV, and the
movie "Unfaithful" was just coming on. Have seen only bits
of it before, but this time I watched the whole thing, and
although it was very sad, I found it interesting in the way
it portrayed an A happening in a an apparently "happy" M,
and the guilt and sadness felt by the WS. The ending was
a shock, but reminded me of what a "path of destruction"
an A really is. Overall, I thought it was a well done film,
and had a beautiful music soundtrack.
Started out last week feeling very physically tired after
all the moving furniture and dealing with getting things
in better shape at home, then had a very busy and stressful
work week. Talked some more with WH, and contemplated the
opportunity we had to sell our peice of land, and how to
settle the money. Went for a consultation with the same
lawyer I spoke to several months ago and got some good
information regarding that issue and some things in general.
Did find out that a "stipulation" signed by both WH and I,
and notarized, would be "legal and binding" in regards to
settlement over the land sale. With that in mind, I am
writing up an agreement that this sale of land and the money
split will permanently "settle" all issue of "marital debt"
as far as all credit cards (did this so WH cannot go out
and run up more big bills, then later try to say they are
"marital debts" and me be liable for part of them). Also
am adding that the car (although in both our names) will
be paid off, considered by property, and not a "marital
asset" that WH can try to get later. WH is aware of these
plans and has verbally agreed, and agrees he will sign the
paperwork, so that makes me feel better about that deal.
One thing I found out had me a little confused on how it
will work with my "Plan B", as found out I cannot change the
locks on our house without advising WH, and then must give
him the new keys if he wants them. Also felt discouraged to
find out that if WH begins to balk about paying his part
towards our house and related bills, that I have no way to
keep from having to put it up for sale, since I can't afford
the bills alone. Sure doesn't seem very fair that he can
"decide" he doesn't want to live there, move to a nice,
newly renovated house with all new, nice things, and I'd
have to move to a smaller, less nice place since I don't
make as much <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> (although I do realize it's my own doing
that I'm in a lower paying career field, and WH's credit
that he is doing well in his career and pay).
Went to WH's Dr appt. which was "short and sweet". As his
mood is still "down" (on the "bipolar scale") his Dr. upped
his dose of anti-depressant, which he takes along with his
bipolar meds. They discussed his legal issues, as Dr is, at
request of WH's lawyer, writing a letter explaining WH's
recent diagnosis, how this illness could lead to his lack
of judgement resulting in the DUI, and the Dr.s belief that
he does not have a drinking problem, as well as stating
that he must remain on medication and continue counseling.
Also went to WH's IC (since not yet on Plan B) and his IC
started out discussing how he is feeling, how he's doing
with his meds, how's he's handling the legal situation.
Although WH has not mentioned anything about it lately, it
sounded like he is getting really worried and scared, and
like the possibly outcome in court may not be as good as
he originally thought. Hard to know how it would go, but
apparently now the options may be either having to do 30
days of "work release" where he would have to stay in jail
at night, but could go to his job in the day, or 45 days
of community service, where he has to work "full time",
doing community jobs but can be home at night. He is
scared to death about going to jail, so likes the other
option better, but would have to be off from his job, and
don't know how he'd do that for 45 days ! I think he's
scared he'll lose his job, and that scares me too, since
our finances are all linked, and he has the much bigger
income and our insurance !
His IC only briefly touched on us, but WH still continued
with his "needs to be alone, on his own" speech, saying it
had been very nice to just be "alone" at the house, and
fun for him to do things like going to the grocery store
or just being able to pick out new towels by himself.
Whatever !!!! I maintained that all the things he's said
he can't do "married" are all things he CAN do in marriage,
ALL but screw around (which of course, he didn't mention,
but IS doing). Said he didn't know if there was some "magic"
number on how long someone should wait, but didn't think
"dragging things out" was "healthy" (please !) for him or
me, and kept us both from getting on with our lives.
I said, "of course you're in a hurry, you have a OW who is
pushing you to get divorced". He denied that, saying "if
there really was that pressure, we'd already be divorced".
(since paperwork we filled out in Aug has recently expired).
Was glad that IC then stepped in, said it was much too
important of an issue to "rush", and asked WH if he didn't
think he could have some seperation while working on our
seperate issues, but not sever anything.
She suggested a "therapeutic seperation" where both partners
work on their issues and take their own "path of healing , but maintain some contact and interaction with the other
partner (????) Some of her explanation of this made sense, as it sounded kind of like the concept we know of, of saving
the love we still have for the WS, while protecting ourself.
She also said she thought WH's always saying he "didn't need
anyone" (either OW or me) was taking his attitude to an
extreme in the opposite direction and not healthy- as he
needs to develop interests, friends, be involved in the
community, develop some support, etc. while it sounded like
I had good support "mechanisms" already in place. She also
said he seemed to be "co-dependent", and that wasn't healthy
either.
She mentioned that we seemed to be quite calm and pleasant in our discussions, and she guessed that was because we were there with her. When we both said, "no, that we never have been ones to fight or yell, and this is about as heated as it gets and the most talking that we do about things is here" she was surprised. (???)
When done, WH and I walked to his car and his phone was
ringing. Figured it was OW, "checking up on him", but he
saw it was his Mom, so answered, and gestured for me to stay
there. Found out his Dad is again in the hospital, and not
doing very well, so his Mom was very upset and anxious.
(His Dad was hospitalized for over a month with pneumonia,
blood clots, then internal bleeding and was in critical
condition for several days in Feb, but had been making a
slow recovery before having a breathing problem and being
back in the hospital a couple days last month. Now he's
apparently having blood clots again.) Although he's not
particularly close to his family, WH did seem upset.
WH has also been having a problem with swelling and pain
in his foot and is going to the Dr today about it.
Later in the week, I had my IC. Hadn't had a chance to
do much on my PBL, but took one of the examples from here
and the very rough draft I had as IC had said we could
discuss it. Once we started talking about WH's still being
"down" in mood, his Dad being back in the hospital, and his
his upcoming legal stuff/court date (April 25), IC wondered
if using the "tough love/180" plan would be better than
a full "Plan B" and no contact ? Her concern was that with
WH already battling depression and the added issues with
his Dad being seriously ill and his legal stuff/court date
coming soon (April 25) that it might be "too much,too soon"
and really put him into a bad mental state.
I feel torn about this- do have concern over him getting
into a terrible depression and anxiety like he did right
after the DUI, which caused him to desire me, our M, the
safety and comfort of home, and really "turned off" OW,
VS. letting him feel horrible and seeing that OW might
not "cut it". (although I don't know- maybe she would be
fine at "babying" him).
I wonder if he did turn to me, if that would be enough to
finally, permanently end it with OW and the A, as she might
not think it was too "fun" to deal with giving a ride to
WH, him being in jail or on work release, him having to
spend more money on that stuff than on her, etc.... ???
Feel confused, as both IC's gave me some new thoughts and
I'm not sure what to think.... is there too much going
on and too close to the court date for Plan B ? Will
it backfire on me and make OW into the "hero" he'll never
want to leave because she was "there" during his crisis,
should I do the "tough love letter" (similiar to PBL)
and much stronger "180's" (or not good since he has a
strong need for "admiration")?? In the meantime, will
continue to work on PBL, and hope to have a draft to post
soon, in case that's still the route to take...
Lastly, the weekend was okay, but long. WH called me Sat
morning (I worked half day) and said "didn't you mention
you wanted to go look for a new TV stand, or little desk?"
This made me think he was going to offer to go with me or
ask me to go shopping, but instead, when I said I had
said that, but not had a chance to go looking yet, he just
said "well, if you find something you like, go ahead and
get it". Made me think he was having some sort of a guilt
pang about some of the furniture he took, or about getting
more of the lot money, so was trying to sound more generous.
Well, didn't go furniture shopping, but did run errands and
enjoy some shopping later. When I got home, I noticed a
blank spot in the garage where WH's golf clubs used to be,
and got worried that someone might have taken them while I
had the garage door up (this has happened in our area) so
I called WH in the later afternoon. Wasn't surprised to get
VM on his cell, since I think WH is usually out on "date
night" with OW every Sat., but was surprised when he called
back in just a few minutes. Made it really short, just
asked if he had taken his clubs, and he said yes, so that
was it. He asked what I was doing, and said he had been
out "running errands" and working on the house all day.
Yesterday, WH called in the morning. Asked what I was doing,
asked about the dog, then asked if I wanted to go to dinner.
Was surprised, as we've not ever done something on Sunday.
Said he'd call me later to "firm up" the plans, then went
about with my plans for the day. About 5pm, WH called.
Asked me if I'd mind if we met tonight or another night
this week instead. I didn't care, but the way he was talking
sounded really odd and rushed, , as though he was trying to sound like he was talking to a customer or something. Made me think that OW was probably there, or nearby, that he had not expected to be with her for the evening and had to try
to call to change plans with me. Got cut off, so I called
him back and he answered, and I heard a female in the
background say "is that her?", so I'm sure he was with
OW and must have told her we had business to do (the lot
sale paperwork) or something...so tried to make it sound
very "business like". How lame...
Slammed
